close to breaking point ... really had enough :(

(62 Posts)
Fairylea Sat 19-Jan-13 14:04:48

I'm literally ready to walk out and leave the kids with my dh, for a weekend or more. Just had enough and really need some support and help especially from those who have big age gaps.

I have dd aged 9 and ds 7 months. Both difficult ages and stages in totally different ways. The only luck is that dd adores ds so plays with him and I might get 5 seconds break.

My dd is very demanding at the moment. Ds is very demanding at the moment.

I spent a long time being a single parent to dd and to be honest I had forgotten how exhausting the baby stage is. Ds is a much wanted baby but I find myself tearing my hair out several times a day as I constantly run around after him as he's rolled himself awkwardly or whinging because he's lying flat and wants to sit up or vice versa.

He is impossible to get dressed as he hates putting clothes on and literally cries, same with putting a coat on even though I am being gentle. This means every journey anywhere starts with me being in a stressed and bad mood. Even though I try not to show it.

He doesn't like going to cafes etc no matter if we bring toys or not. He sits and moans and makes enjoying anything impossible.

I am in the middle of weaning and that's going ok but he is still drinking as much formula as he ever was.. which is fine.... but I feel like I really don't have a clue what I'm doing.

I never have any time to myself. At all. Unless dh has them which he does sometimes but he works 6 days a week at the moment 14 hours a day. I can't trust my mum with them (long story) I have no friends in real life.

I feel like crawling into a hole.

loveroflife Mon 28-Jan-13 21:50:45

Hi Fairylea,

I keep checking this thread to see if you have replied, so glad you have!

You sound SO much more positive which is wonderful. Pain in the ass forcing yourself to feel like that when everything seems shite but it really does work.....I know from bitter experience.

Glad the book arrived - hope you get on well with it. Everyone I know who read it and followed it has nailed the sleeping routine and is very happy, so good luck.

Don't feel like you have to entertain ds all day - lord, I don't know any saint that sits there playing with their dc all day - it would drive me up the wall.

Actually, I have a very wise friend who said she spent hours interacting and stimulating her dd and it turned into a situation where dd was too dependent on her - couldn't play alone, wanted constant stimulation and cuddles etc. She said she soon changed that with her son and he is happier in his own company, able to play alone, doesn't scream if she leaves the room etc and doesn't 'need her' as much.

Remember, he will get so much stimulation from just watching you, so do carry on as normal. Stick in him a bouncer/playmat as you clean/cook with the radio on talking to him etc. If he cries a lot, just carry on and maybe pick him up cuddle him and put him down again and show him Mummy is there but you can't hold him all the time.

Yes, take him to the doctors and again, please try and get out everyday as it is fresh air, exercise for you and change of scenery. I have a small flat so am very short of space and getting out everyday is a basic necessity for ds and I. It's amazing how it becomes part of your routine. Again, if he cries, he cries there's not much you can do - does he like the buggy/car?

Also, can you go to a group where it's a bit more structured so you're not forced to make friends or chat rubbish with others? How about a baby ryhme time/massage etc where someone leads the class, taking away the opportunity to chat to others.

I used to go to a music class for 30mins - everyone walked in, listened to the teacher, tried to stop their own child escaping/destroying the instruments/paid and left. It suited me perfectly and ds had a wonderful 2 hours sleep afterwards....

Oh, and the sex, well unless you are bothered, don't worry about it in the slightest - communication is key and that's great you're chatting with dh. Would you feel comfortable showing him this thread or telling him exactly how you are feeling?

Also, as soon as your dd goes to sleep remember the night is yours (if you can be bothered!) and you can go out, put a dress on, go to the gym. I love going to the cinema alone and try at least once a month - it's something wonderful to look forward to and dh loves his three hours alone to watch crap on TV.

Anyway, have rambled on for too long, onwards and upwards...

Fairylea Fri 08-Feb-13 19:24:44

Well I've managed to get ds sleeping from 6-6 which is a massive improvement. And he's started having 2 hour naps during the day too. So I really can't complain about that anymore. Thank you for the book suggestion, it really really helped. I am very grateful.

On the other hand I'm still feeling really down. sad I feel like I am just stumbling through the days trying to get through to bedtime. I feel really unhappy about everything, I don't even know where to start. And then the other half of me thinks what the hell is wrong with me.

I find myself thinking about all kinds of things late at night ... my gran dying of cancer (she died 9 years ago, she lived with me and mum and we cared for her till the end).. I keep having horrible images of her last day. And how she sounded like she was choking when she breathed. I remember putting the tv on for her incase she could hear. I get scared that I will get cancer and die like that. I have flashbacks of the birth of ds and how I was on the operating table losingso much blood.

I remember all the doctors saying "no it's still going" and them looking scared the blood wouldn't stop.

I think back a few years when my ex husband had just left me and I went a bit crazy and had a bit of a wild time drinking too much, went out with someone from my work a lot younger than me. I felt young again. At 28 I felt like a teenager. I spent days up till 6am and then crawling into bed (dd was at her dad's for those days / weekends).

As sad as it sounds I miss feeling like that sad and yet I shouldn't. I have a wonderful family. But something just feels so empty inside me. I feel old. Like I'm just getting through each day and eventually I will be older and die like my gran.

Dh and I have been arguing again. We have a good few days when I make a lot of effort to engage and then it all goes crap again when I'm tired and I cant be bothered. I find myself just longing to be on my own. I do get time on my own as dh often works evenings and I go to bed before he gets in, but I don't know I just feel very uncomfortable, like I'm living with a very nice family but it's not my family.

I'm struggling with weaning ds too. Dd nearly choked to death on finger food so although we are now into mashed foods I just can't cope with the anxiety and responsibility of feeding him anything else.
I feel like I'm failing in so many areas.

KnittedCharacter Sat 09-Feb-13 18:17:40

Hi sorry you are having a bit of a bad time. Good news about ur progress. Read quite a bit of this thread but missed what the book was called which was recommended to you.

my son is 5 months and am weaning him too. Feel a bit uncertain about it too. I personally feel that my HV has basically left me to it. I am now giving him three lots of pureed food a day and have reduced the amount of milk down at each sitting as i found he was playing with the last few ounce as he was full from the food.

Fairylea Sat 09-Feb-13 22:20:02

Thanks. Weaning is a stressful time. I think everyone wonders if they're doing it right or not.... ! I know I do and this is my second.

Had a shit day today to be honest. Dh was home. Ds didnt nap well and was up after 20 mins all day, I didn't do anything different he just woke himself up. Consequently he wanted to go to bed at 5.30 and so I fear I may be back to the start again sad

I go to bed with a sense of dread that tomorrow I have to get up and do it all again. I wish I didn't feel that way.

Dh is upset as I've hardly talked to him for two days again. Yet alone touched him. I just feel angry about everything. I feel angry that he keeps on as if life is great and it's not great, it's crap and exhausting.

He wants to go somewhere tomorrow with the kids and I just don't see the point. Neither of them will appreciate it. Ds won't have a clue and dd will just want to get home on the pc. And I will be even more tired than now.

But then I know spending a whole day inside is awful too... bored kids etc.

I can't win.

God I just want two weeks off. I need a break. Not just a day out or a night out. A break.

KnittedCharacter Sun 10-Feb-13 11:58:32

Our ds is an early riser. waking up at about 5:30 - 6:15. But we are lucky enough that he sleeps through. His bedtime is 7:30 pm and i have tried EVERYTHING to get him to sleep longer in a morning. i have just had to accept that thats his wake up time. I had a period of being very low and tearful a few weeks ago and i do occasionally get fed up still. I think it was sleep deprivation. I find myself shattered by tea time and most nights am in bed for 9 pm.

I do get quite irritable and tetchy and snap at my dp sometimes but i am very lucky in that he is extremely understanding.

We bought our 5month old ds a jumperoo which is brilliant. keeps him entertained for about half an hr if we are lucky, he gets bored and frustrated so then i just change his activity ie put him in his bouncy chair, do some row row row your boat and other songs with him, put him on his activity mat etc etc.

He has always been a whingy baby too and hates having his coat put on and god forbid we try put a hat on him! He also hates being washed and dressed etc screams most of the way through it (have to give him his hairbrush or something to hold which distracts him slightly from the job in hand).

When we want to eat lunch out its as tho he waits for our dinner to arrive then kicks off wanting to get out of his pram - needless to say one of us eats our lunch one handed whilst we have ds on our knee! We have just come to accept that thats what will probably happen and are always prepared for it now and in fact chuckle about it as thats his thing.

I think as they get older they become harder as they become rather fidgety wantin to sit when they cant therefore getting frustrated and whinging as a result. Our ds is only just rolling but is desperately tryin to sit up. Our ds like i say was always a whinge bag and in fact still us. Have u tried some white noise like your hairdryer or hoover to settle his whinges. Our ds finds it soothing and just lies there listening to it. so we bought a cd of white noise for him.

Is he teething by any chance?

KnittedCharacter Sun 10-Feb-13 11:59:28

oh and with regards to the sex i have gone off it too!! god knows why

Misty9 Sun 10-Feb-13 13:08:08

Hi again

Good to hear some things have improved. Sleep being more sorted can massively help - though the little darlings have a habit of changing up on you just as you've got used to one thing don't they?!

I hope you don't mind me saying, but it sounds like you've maybe got a bit of low mood? Would you feel comfortable going to your hv or gp about it? Or just talking to someone in RL might help? Feel free to pm me if you want to let off steam - and don't worry about expectations re replying etc.

Also, maybe try to think about things as in its not that you can't be bothered, but that you haven't got the capacity for that right now...I find it helpful and removes some of the beating self up part.

Gonna have to rush as need to see to ds, but big hug and remember you're not alone in your feelings - it's amazing how others feel similarly when you open up.

KnittedCharacter Sun 10-Feb-13 13:16:13

You are def not alone. Please take comfort in that.

Feel free to pm me too. I would be more than happy to be there for u too for a friendly chat or to get it off your chest!

Fairylea Mon 11-Feb-13 11:23:28

Thanks for the replies and ideas.

I'm sure it is depression in some ways but I'm on the waiting list at the gp for counselling and no idea when that will come through. I have problems taking antidepressants because they interact with other long term health problems I have.

Part of me does wonder if I'm just a miserable old git as well. If I could pack the kids off for two weeks I'm sure I wouldn't be depressed anymore.

I am just so angry and full of resentment. I find it so hard this time round. When dd was little I had my mum to help, I'd be able to have a lie in, go out, have a break. With ds I can't do any of that (mum and I have fallen out, she has major health problems and now lives apart from me).. yes I know lots of others manage. So I am going to have to suck it up.

I am still not really speaking to dh. We spent the weekend at home, he played with dd a lot. I just feel really angry with him and I'm not even sure why. Just everything.
I am avoiding touching him or having sex or anything. I can't even look at him because he is so hurt and disappointed and I can see it in his face. We never used to be like this. We used to go out, have fun, all the usual couple things. Now we have no one to look after the children and I wouldn't feel comfortable hiring a sitter so we just stay in. And I just feel resentful.

I am sure he is getting very depressed too.

Really not feeling better about things at all. And posting here just to offload really.

I just have to keep going.

loveroflife Mon 11-Feb-13 16:54:53

Hi again Fairylea,

So pleased you've got on well with the book - it was my lifesaver - you've done so well, but is there anyway you can change 6-6 to 7-7? That extra hour in the morning will make a huge difference to how you feel.

From reading your posts the first thing I notice is you don't seem to get any respite. Is this correct? You're with the children all day and night and that is enough to send anyone over the age. When I went through a phase of being in all the time and with ds I became almost 'hermit like'. We would go out in the day (as I felt guilty for keeping him in) but I couldn't wait to get home as I was feeling so shit. I was eating loads, constantly online and feeling so depressed and down with my life. I also felt anxious he was picking up on my unhappiness.

It is a pain in the ass but when I did move, stop eating rubbish and push for 'me time' things did change. I hate the gym with a passion but started walking for 30mins at night as soon as dh got in. Sometimes it would be as late as 10pm but I needed that 30mins to clear my head and get some fresh air into my lungs.

I strongly urge you to incorporate some me time, when husband gets in go out straight away (alone to the cinema), meet a friend, whatever floats your boat. Drive around, just go out - it makes such a difference.

Others do manage yes, but others use help that is available. Even a childminder for one morning a week, a creche at the gym, research what's available where you live. Your mental health and happiness is priceless imo...

Do you have any friends that would sit for you for a couple of hours in the evening (any parents of your dd's friends?)

I'd call the doctors and push for an earlier appointment - say it's vital. Also, look at other methods - exercise, herbal remedies <disclaimer I am not qualified or have any knowledge of these> and go from there.

Things will change but you need to take the steps to change how you feel every day. <Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've realised we have to take the steps first to change our lives if we're not happy, no one else>

Keep posting!

Fairylea Mon 11-Feb-13 21:16:37

Thank you. You're right I don't get any respite. But the difficulty is that dh works until 10 at the moment. By the time he gets in it is half ten and I go to bed at 9. We are literally like ships in the night. When he does have a day off (which is never two days in a row) the last thing he needs is to get up at 5/6 with ds after getting home at 11pm or me leaving him for hours to go out. Otherwise he doesn't get a rest either. I think we're both feeling really stressed at the moment. He does however have a week booked off for march so I have said to him that I'm going to go out for the day on my own. He was fine with that. Part of me wonders though if I'm just going to set myself up for a more difficult day the next day though as I'm not sure dh knows the routine I have got into with ds or whether he will stick toIt ...and I don't want him to feel I'm telling him what to do.

Part of our arguments are that he feels like even when he does do things for ds he feels like I'm hovering about, waiting to correct him. I really try not to interfere. I even take myself out of the room. I think it's just because I do it all day every day. It's difficult.

I'm not too worried about getting ds to sleep till 7 because at the moment 6-6 works well with being able to cook dinner in peace after he's in bed etc. Will see how it goes! smile

I just don't know how to reconnect with dh. I don't have the energy to stay up late or wait for him to come home.

I'm literally falling asleep on the sofa by half nine. Occasionaly I have made the effort to stay up to see him but then I feel awful.the next day.

I keep wondering how everything can go down the pan so much in 7 months.

There are no creches near where we live. I did look but the nearest one is an hours drive away, much too far. I need to go to see another nursery, maybe I could put ds in there one day a week ... if we could afford it. I doubt it. I don't know.

I'm scared as well. I'm scared I'm not very well or that I'll be seriously ill and there's no one apart from dh to look after the children. I'm scared of what will happen to them if I'm not here and dh needs to work. Irrational as there's no reason to even worry but I do.

I don't cope with the anxieties of being a parent.

KnittedCharacter Thu 14-Feb-13 23:37:21

How are you feeling fairy?

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