Soooo hard

(263 Posts)
Kafri Thu 17-Jan-13 05:59:58

Am I really the only person finding this mummy thing sooooo difficult?
Don't get me wrong,I'm thrilled I have DS but I'm knackered. He's 4 weeks old and will not sleep on his back at all. Dr tried gaviscon as hv suspected reflux, didn't work and DS was still really unsettled (all the time). Dr is now trying lactose free milk which seems to be calming him tho he still won't settle ANYWHERE but on someone.
Doesn't even settle properly in the car or pram which he did the first week we were home, sleeps for a short time then wakes and screams. It upsets me as you see all these mums with content little babies out in the pram and there's me with mine screaming!
DH and I have been doing shifts with DS as someone has to hold him 24 hours! I'm getting worried about how I'll manage when DH goes back to work and its just me! He sleeps really well when on someone but the minute he goes down, he unsettles himself. He hates being swaddled and fights his way out!
I've lifted his crib at he head end, I've raised the mattress, I give a warm bath in bedtime routine etc
Looking back, he has always been unsettled on his back, even in hospital. I just thought it would settle but it got worse to the point where he won't go down at all. At one point he would only sleep upright-so curled up against our chest.
I tried having him in bed with me - kicked DH out, moved to middle of bed etc but just didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep myself.

I've tried letting him cry, just for a few mins (like while I boil the kettle, or nip to the loo), but it doesn't stop and I'm not comfortable with leaving him any longer than that -I just think he's too young.

I've always been really good with kids, I work with them too, so why ami finding this soooo hard. What am I doing wrong??

I'm sorry this is a bit disjointed and all over the place.

Please help and share you're experience as a new first time mum.

Oh and overnight, well between about 5-8am he seems to have really bad tummy cramps. He's on lactulose for constipation from the gaviscon but the tummy cramps also happened before the constipation too? It was like he was staining for hours to poo then when he finally managed his nappy was perfectly normal. The first time it happened I thought he was bunged up then was really surprised when his nappy was normal when it finally happened.

I feel like everyone else has these happy content little babies, and then there's me!!

Sorry it's such a long rambling!

Kafri Sun 03-Mar-13 23:36:48

ive looked at those monitors before. how do they work if ds is in cushions on his mattress?x

Contradictionincarnate Sun 03-Mar-13 23:00:35

kafri what type of monitor do you have there are ones that set off an alarm if breathing isn't detected maybe then you would get a bit more sleep even if its on an inflatable mattress in the same room or your own room in a few months time.

stargirl1701 Sat 02-Mar-13 18:44:18

I'm glad you've some success Kafri. Do you have a blow up mattress you could use? Borrow? That might make it more bearable in the long term. Looking back, I wish we had bought an 'Arms Length' co-sleeper. I will certainly buy one if we have another baby!

Today's genius advice was: stick her in front of the TV every time she screams. Dear god, she'd be watching 10+ hours a day!!!!!!! grin

I'm sleeping in the spare room tonight and DH is taking her out tomorrow so I can have a day to potter alone in a quiet house. I might take some Night Nurse so I'm knocked out overnight and less likely to hear her.

This was not how I imagined it would be.

Kafri Sat 02-Mar-13 15:46:50

I know. im gonna swing for the next person who tells me to leace him to cry.

he did well in his cot. and sleeping on his nursery floor (with carpet) was far more comfy than sleeping on ny living room floor (laminate). I didn't feel about 90 when I got up.

theres people I know who think im just exaggerating about ds. either that or just think its me not coping with having a newborn. it doesn't help that my bro who doesnt have kids onky has my sisters baby to compare ds to (sis had her first 6 weeks before me) and typically hers is one of the easy, placid, put up with owt babies!

stargirl1701 Sat 02-Mar-13 12:33:42

No flaming here. Just do whatever works to survive.

We have good support but now we are reaching 6 months with no real improvement it's wearing a bit thin. More and more I just hear, 'leave her to cry'.

Kafri Fri 01-Mar-13 23:56:56

pacific shower? hmmm im sure I recollect that word from my distant past. ... lol

star my mum and PILS think we're doing a wonderful job with ds so in that sense they're supportive but in the helping out sense, well, neither seem confident enough to spend any time with him alone which baffles me given they've brought up 5 kids between them...?
how about you? have you any support?

dh had 3 days off now so we're trying to get ds in his cot instead of the sofa. ive given in and put the bloody cushions in there (waits to be flamed) but it really is the only way he sleeps - on his tummy on these cushions. hes like his mummy, wants to be cosy. anyway, for the time being, I can be found sleeping on his nursery floor as im too scared to leave him alone on his tummy on his cushions.

Guys, you are all doing a marvellous job and just keep doing whatever you have to to survive.
But - I found I only managed to not go insane to eventually give up all ideas of a 'routine' and to submit to the total chaos that looking after DS1 was. I really found I felt better when I had NO expectation wrt to having a shower/getting anything 'done'/having time to myself/getting any sleep. When I then DID get any of those things, it felt like a real bonus grin. Rather than thinking "he's x number of months old now, surely he should now play/sleep/tolerate the car/not scream so much" and be frustrated/feel like a failure when he didn't.

I really hope you are still hanging in there, star and kafri thanks x

stargirl1701 Wed 27-Feb-13 20:18:38

Having a crap day, I'm afraid. I find DD soooo unpredictable. What works one day just doesn't work the next. There is just no consistency. I've been working on the same routine for 4 weeks now but not getting anywhere, just an odd day here and there (like Monday grin). It almost makes it worse - you think you are getting somewhere.

Do you have support from your parents or PILs?

Kafri Wed 27-Feb-13 19:52:15

well, he's screamed, cried and screamed some more for good measure.

one thing I cant seem to weigh up is tye crying in the car/pram. some journeys hes fine - others (most) he screams the whole way. it baffles me somewhat.

how about you star?

stargirl1701 Wed 27-Feb-13 16:25:28

How are you doing today Kafri?

rootypig Tue 26-Feb-13 22:15:08

Sorry that you didn't have a positive experience Kafri, when I first saw the CO with DD he took a full history of pregnancy and birth, and gave her a thorough, gentle examination, talking me through what he was doing and what he found, which I found reassuring. Was hoping for the same for you. sad

Sorry to hear you did not have an overwhelmingly positive experience at CO. If he came recommended by your NCT group I presume he had treated babies before/had experience with infants? FWIW,I felt the same about our CO appointment/s, but still went back 3x - clearly more money than sense hmm.
DS3 did not settle through any of the session and then screamed his little heart out on the way back in the car.

As long as you are satisfied that he has been sufficiently medically looked at, then Just Keep Going. Your DS may not be a baby that 'turns a corner', but who gradually begins to calm a bit with increasing maturity.

I have been pondering your question about the cats, and I dunno... It does not sound like he has an allergy (sneezing, itching, wheezing, rash?) and I don't see how the shere pressence of cats could upset him so much. Could it just be being at home ie too cooped up or not enough to distract him from this horrible feeling of seperateness from you?? I know I sound terribly lentil-weaving here, sorry. DS1 needed constant movement and physical contact to me to stop the siren going.

Do you think you'll go back to CO?

smellsofsick Tue 26-Feb-13 20:09:19

kafri not sure I can add much in the way of advice but just to say please be reassured that you are doing a great job in really difficult circumstances!

My DD1 was pretty much the same as yours, a terrible sleeper to begin with but it DID get so much better. I remember feeling so sad because I actually hated every day for those first few weeks - there I've said it!

It will pass and we even have a ten week old DD2 now, so rest assured that cuddling to sleep, getting your DH co sleeping or whatever it takes is fine and things will improve.

stargirl1701 Tue 26-Feb-13 19:53:40

Is he a paediatric specialist CO? Maybe have a search online and find out if there is anyone else in your area?

Kafri Tue 26-Feb-13 19:52:05

well im not quite sure what I made of his CO appt.
ds screamed throughout. then the guy sort of handed him back and just said 'I think he needs mummy cuddles'
wants to see him again on Friday? ??

he came recommended by people from my local NCT branch so wasn't as if i just plucked him from the yellow pages.

rootypig Tue 26-Feb-13 04:56:11

also here is high needs thread in case you haven't spotted x

rootypig Mon 25-Feb-13 17:00:43

Good luck Kafri. I really hope it makes a difference. whether it does or doesn't, I hope you get some time away soon to rest and relax - even if just a few hours - as stargirl suggests. xoxo

Kafri Mon 25-Feb-13 10:08:36

I've booked an appointment for CO. Going tomorrow morning. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will have some effect. I hate seeing ds looking so miserable all the time and it can't be nice for him either.

stargirl1701 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:31:33

Hi Kafri. You're having a really rough time by the sounds of it. I just found your thread...I have many of my own.

DD is 24 weeks and is so similar to your LO. We have tried everything mentioned on your thread too. I find that something will work for a few days and then we go back to square one. It's so disheartening. My only advice would be to try and block out all the idiots trying to give you shit advice. If one more person suggests CC to me I may punch them!

I found that distraction works more consistently than anything else. A feature of refluxy babies is that they are more alert. So, we go out every day. I go on bus journeys that are just a circle back home. I sit in cafes so DD can watch the staff working. I drive and drive on the motorway (no traffic lights). I wander round large supermarkets without buying anything. Just to make the screaming stop.

DH and I share the load and we each get one full night away every month either at a friend's or relative's house. We have arranged a babysitter to come for 2 hours once a week to let us leave the house together as a couple - sometimes dinner, a movie, or, if it has been really bad, just sit in the car together. We have a cleaner once a week. We ask friends and relatives to help with laundry. She goes to the crèche at Church.

It's about survival. I feel so distressed that my mat leave is almost half way over and I haven't really enjoyed it all. I really don't enjoy the mum and baby groups because of the shocked reactions of other mums but, I keep going - one group every day.

It's fucking hard. And, unless they've had a high needs baby, most people don't have a clue. But, you are not alone. thanks

Kafri Sun 24-Feb-13 19:46:56

thanks rooty.
They're DHs cats so I can take them or leave them to be honest but certainly wouldn't want dh to re home them if they're nothing to do with any of the issues.

im booking an appointment for CO in the morning. Not sure i believe it'll do anything but it's certainly worth a try.

rootypig Sun 24-Feb-13 19:39:30

hi Kafri - no idea but you're not being ridiculous to ask, when DD is unsettled I get paranoid about everything eg a sniffle and I'm eyeing the cleaning products. and it's an interesting observation. hope someone with an idea about the cats will be along soon.

Kafri Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:28

this may be the silliest of questions. ..

in all his distress, ds appears at his worst while at home. he has only been as bad as at home while out once and that was on Friday at a friends house.

my query is, could cats possibly have anything to do with our problems. he doesn't have any outward symptoms of allergy but he us generally so much better when we're out at various places (apart from the journey-be it on foot or in the car)

he's by no means perfect at other places - friends/bro/sis/church/even a restaurant today (which I was dreading) but much better than at home or indeed at this friends on Friday. the only common denominator that separates home and this friends house from every other place we go is cats!

we have 2 (1 only comes in to eat, the other sleeps on a beanbag) and my friend had one until it died last week.

just wondering if there's a possibility that the cat could be causing some of our troubles in some way or am i being ridiculous?

Kafri Sat 23-Feb-13 21:01:12

ive been reading abiut it these last few days amd I think im going to give it a go. just gotta find someone decent in the north west now.
im not sure whether i have any belief in it but i have got to the point where i have tried everything else and need to give it a go if only to tick it off the list.
I certainly can't afford it as such but if it helps then I'll find the money cos it'll be worth it to see him happier.

These last 4 days have been awful. I think the worst part is when he has a 'good day' its still such hard work keeping him settled as the slightest thing sets him off. literally smile to scream in the blink of an eye.

Kafri, I did not want to revive your thread and then run away, but RL got in the way wink.

Still tough, then, eh? You poor thing, and poor your DS.
I too think that cranial osteopathy is worth a shot although there is little evidence to support it and with my medical hat on I think it a bit voodoo - however with my desprate mother hat on, I gave it a shot with DS4 who was quite the screamer too. It is entirely gentle, babies don't mind at all and by all accounts some people report a massive difference for the better. It didn't work for us, I took DS4 for 3 treatments. If you find somebody locally and can afford potentially wasted money, my take on it would be that you don't have much to lose and might just gain IYKWIM.

Yes, feeding patterns change all the time. If he continues to gain weight and thrives, I would not worry about day-to-day feeding. If there is a downward trend, then get him looked at.

I am not sure what to suggest other than what I've said before (and what took me to my 3rd child to fully believe): some babies do not 'like' being babies, some need that '4th trimester' to accespt hat they are now in this world, some are more frantic personalities than others (and always will be, although the incessant wailing does stop, thank goodness!).

As long as you feel that he has been suffiencently assessed to give you the confidence that he is not ill/in pain, then all you can do is the best you can do. And wait for time to pass.
'Tis a marathon, not a sprint. I still have contented-baby-envy towards some of my friends who had their children at the same time as me and seemed to have enjoyed a blissful early motherhood with their bundles of joy envy.
Ah well, my DS1 is going to cure cancer/discover new galaxies/find the cure for the common cold, so not having strangled him when he was impossible to placate was worthwhile wink.

yawningbear Fri 22-Feb-13 16:48:24

Totally agree with Rooty, babies change all the time, that is the only constant with them, their appetite, sleep patterns, poos, it all changes constantly and just when you think you,ve got some thing cracked they throw something else at you. I really don't think need to worry and brilliant that he slept for such a long period of time, and at night!

The cranial osteopathy is totally non invasive and it can actually appear as if they are doing nothing at all, you can feel you have paid for someone to lay their hands on your baby's head and nothing more, but it really helped with my DD and DS. There have been a lot of people on this thread who do really relate to the issues that you are having with your DS, because they have been there themselves and found that one of the things that has made a difference is the cranial osteopathy, so perhaps worth considering.

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