Soooo hard

(263 Posts)
Kafri Thu 17-Jan-13 05:59:58

Am I really the only person finding this mummy thing sooooo difficult?
Don't get me wrong,I'm thrilled I have DS but I'm knackered. He's 4 weeks old and will not sleep on his back at all. Dr tried gaviscon as hv suspected reflux, didn't work and DS was still really unsettled (all the time). Dr is now trying lactose free milk which seems to be calming him tho he still won't settle ANYWHERE but on someone.
Doesn't even settle properly in the car or pram which he did the first week we were home, sleeps for a short time then wakes and screams. It upsets me as you see all these mums with content little babies out in the pram and there's me with mine screaming!
DH and I have been doing shifts with DS as someone has to hold him 24 hours! I'm getting worried about how I'll manage when DH goes back to work and its just me! He sleeps really well when on someone but the minute he goes down, he unsettles himself. He hates being swaddled and fights his way out!
I've lifted his crib at he head end, I've raised the mattress, I give a warm bath in bedtime routine etc
Looking back, he has always been unsettled on his back, even in hospital. I just thought it would settle but it got worse to the point where he won't go down at all. At one point he would only sleep upright-so curled up against our chest.
I tried having him in bed with me - kicked DH out, moved to middle of bed etc but just didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep myself.

I've tried letting him cry, just for a few mins (like while I boil the kettle, or nip to the loo), but it doesn't stop and I'm not comfortable with leaving him any longer than that -I just think he's too young.

I've always been really good with kids, I work with them too, so why ami finding this soooo hard. What am I doing wrong??

I'm sorry this is a bit disjointed and all over the place.

Please help and share you're experience as a new first time mum.

Oh and overnight, well between about 5-8am he seems to have really bad tummy cramps. He's on lactulose for constipation from the gaviscon but the tummy cramps also happened before the constipation too? It was like he was staining for hours to poo then when he finally managed his nappy was perfectly normal. The first time it happened I thought he was bunged up then was really surprised when his nappy was normal when it finally happened.

I feel like everyone else has these happy content little babies, and then there's me!!

Sorry it's such a long rambling!

Kafri Fri 18-Jan-13 21:05:43

Iggly - i agree he needs more sleep - i agree wholeheartedly. i just cannot get him to sleep for love nor money!

i will defo give the gym ball a go! thanks

Jac1978 Fri 18-Jan-13 21:19:13

God I could have written your post eight months ago word for word! For us it was colic - we found Infacol and Colief helped sometimes but not all the time and no-one seemed to have any solution. I have never known despair like it - the sheer stress of having a screaming baby and the lack of sleep were both torture - I think I only got through it with the help of DH and my mum. I know this isn't going to sound helpful right now but this will pass. We found that at three months things calmed down a lot and even more so when she went into a proper cot and when she started solids. All I can say is hang in there, I know it feels like forever but it won't be. Don't be afraid to ask for help and don't feel bad if you need to leave the room for five minutes just to calm down, we've all be there. Be kind to yourself - you're doing really well and the end is not as far away as you think xxx

Iggly Fri 18-Jan-13 21:19:21

Yes I know it's bloody hard! My ds was awful. The worst time was when he wouldn't sleep between 8pm and 5am....!!!! Most of that was spent screaming. In the end we had to take him for a long walk in the sling with a dummy and he finally caved in :-/

Our biggest issue was over stimulation (well he had reflux as well) - he'd get over excited and too much "in your face" play and that would stop him sleeping = overtired madness. So I had to spend days with minimal stimulation just took him for walks and let him observe.

If he sleeps better on you - let him.

Iggly Fri 18-Jan-13 21:21:21

Also DH would be the one who could get him to sleep - pitch black room with loud music (or loud white noise), swaddle and rock. And he'd finally give in. It was hard, so very hard for us.

WeAreSix Fri 18-Jan-13 21:29:14

Sorry if this has been asked, I've only skim read the thread.

What was his birth like? My 1st DD was like this, she was a back-to-back ventouse delivery and I'm pretty sure her head was sore.

It does get easier. If your baby needs cuddles, then just do that. I've generally found with all my DCs that the less I've worried, the more I've followed their lead then the easier life has been.

Kafri Fri 18-Jan-13 21:49:04

thanks iggly - wiil give anything a whirl! im defo finding that dh can settle him better than me atm - when he will finally settle anyway.

wearesix - birth was quick in the end. 30 hours to get to 3cm but then 2.5 hours to get from 3cm to him arriving which mw said was v quick for a first??
on day 2 we noticed he was poorly and we had to stay in while he had 5 days of antibiotics and a lumbar puncture. always seemed unsettled on back but gradually got worse to the point he wouldnt even go on his back which is why we ended up holding him so much.

Tried infacol - if its doing anything at all then i would really have a devil child without it so i suspect its not doing anything.

HV said to try colief. had a look at chemist today and the box said it helps to break down lactose to aid digestion?? he's on lactose free milk from the dr now so that seems a little pointless really - silly HV (she does know he's on LF milk) bloody glad i didn't waste 12 quid on it on her advice - it was only cos i read the box rather than just buy it

Kafri Fri 18-Jan-13 21:52:02

iggly - forgot to say - the fact that dh can seem to settle him better than me only serves to make me feel more of a failure as a mum so i'm glad you said you found that too.

i'm so worried about dh going back to work next thurs. how i'll manage on my own with days and nights to do is beyond me!

DS2 was like this, from birth to about 3m I would have to lay him sideways in my arms, always head on my left arm, and do a strange bounce and rock dance! Considering that silent reflux was the problem the last thing I thought he would like was to be swung back and forth, but it was the only thing that helped him get off to sleep. I knew he had reflux a few hours after his birth, and can remember telling the midwife, who said it was nonsense and that he was just being a newborn, took me 3m to get anyone to prescribe anything for him, and he is now on Nutrimagen AA, Infant Gaviscon and lactulose, which have helped.

He used to get tired about an hour after he had woken, and there would be a tiny window of opportunity to get him to sleep, if missed he would let us know he was unhappy! I used to watch him like a hawk for every little sign of tiredness and pounce when I saw the smallest yawn.

He has been seen by a Dietician, a Paediatrician and a Cranial Osteopath. The Paed said that sometimes they appear constipated, but that it is more that their digestive system is immature and has trouble actually moving food along. DS2 used to make a huge fuss over doing a poo, but when he had actually gone it was fine, the lactulose just helps things along a bit. The Cranial Osteopath also said his gut seemed sluggish. The Dietician said he had CMPI and advised the Dr to prescribe the Nutrimagen AA. Am not totally convinced about this diagnosis however, but am happy to wait until he is 1 for the milk trial as I dont want to risk making things worse.

Not sure if this is helpful, its really hard dealing with a reflux baby, I used to look at other mums with their sleeping, contented babies and think 'what am I doing wrong?', forgetting that DS1 was just such a baby and I haven't done anything wrong at all, and neither have you smile. It will pass suprisingly quickly, his first 3m are a bit of a blur tbh, he is 7.5m now and although reflux still an issue, he is more easily distracted by things,and learning to sit unaided etc, so I can actually spend a little time with my poor neglected first born!

Kafri Sat 19-Jan-13 09:04:51

I absolutely give up!

He will not go to sleep once he wakes for his morning feed (7.30 today) and then it's just a downward spiral from there. He goes into meltdown and the whole day is spent trying to settle him as he gets more and more overtired!

I'm sitting here in tears at the thought of another day listening to his scream until he settle at tea time.

Jac1978 Sat 19-Jan-13 09:24:00

Do you have a vibrating bouncy chair? I used to find that helped often.

Iggly Sat 19-Jan-13 09:25:12

Have you got a sling?

Your DH can do it because he won't be as wound up. Babies can smell your fear grin do not take this personally.

Iggly Sat 19-Jan-13 09:29:52

Also what is the name of the milk? Lactose free milk might not help because lactose intolerance is rare in babies - its more likely to be intolerance to cows milk protein. The protein is not the same as lactose (lactose is the sugar). So I'd be checking that too.

WeAreSix Sat 19-Jan-13 09:42:34

I could be way off the mark and completely wrong, but....

He could have a headache type pain - for 2 reasons. Firstly, he was born very quickly which increases the pressure and power of labour ultimately giving his head a good squeeze. Secondly, after a lumbar puncture you can get a Postdural headache. It isn't uncommon. He may just need simple analgesia which your GP would have to prescribe. Personally I'd be getting a GP appointment and asking them to consider this.

This might seem a bit OTT but I'm a Triage Nurse - I often speak to patents with a crying baby and the length of time and pitch of the cry are part of our assessment. If baby is crying for 1+ hrs without stopping and particularly if its high pitched we'd be offering an appointment.

Like I say I might be way off the mark and certainly wouldn't want to come across as scare-mongering, but I would rather say it and be wrong than say nothing when there might be a solution.

Hope that comes across ok and makes sense I'm functioning on 3 hours sleep - I've got a teething 5 mo who was awake most of the night!

Kafri Sat 19-Jan-13 09:42:41

Yeah I've got a bouncy chair but he screams the minute he's put down! I've tried letting him cry fir a couple of mins but he does not stop and I don't like leaving babies to cry so won't leave him longer.

I got him to drift off while rocking him and kept it up a while after he nodded off but the minute I stop he wakes again. I can't physically stand rocking him ALL day!

Kafri Sat 19-Jan-13 09:44:26

Milk is SMA LF.

Angelik Sat 19-Jan-13 09:50:11

Oh god the memories came flooding back. Lots of excellent tips and you will find a configuration that suits you. My ds was the same. We used to put him down to sleep on his tummy, watch him like a hawk then once he'd gone into a deep sleep turn him over - worked a treat. We also ditched the Moses basket and popped him in his cot at the same time (7 weeks old) as it was a bit more roomy and allowed his arms to be next to his head when on his tummy. Once he could lift and turn his head i relaxed a little and then one morning when he was 3 months old i woke in a total flap realising he hadn't woken me at the usual very early time to find he'd rolled from back to front on his own and was happily snoozing. i confess until he was about 5 mnths and comfortably rolling around I didn't have the best sleep (waking constantly to check his breathing) but it was worth it as he was a settled, content, well rested baby. Btw he still sleeps on his tummy now aged nearly 3.

Iggly Sat 19-Jan-13 09:52:49

Oh yes WeAreSix talks sense, def think about the lumbar puncture. Ring NHS direct? Or your GP as they may have an out of hours service.

I'd also ask to try hypo allergenic milk which has been hydrolysed. Not lactose free. .

Kafri Sat 19-Jan-13 09:58:51

I think it's all jus t getting to me now

We can't go out anywhere - he screams in the car seat and his pram (was fine in them the first week we were home) so I now have cabin fever. Took him out yesterday and its sooo much effort trying to keep him somewhere near settled so he doesn't disturb others that it's not enjoyable to go out!

So far, come tea time/7pm I seem to have a different baby - he feeds well, then settles nicely and generally is settled til it all starts again early next morning. (Obv waking for feeds in that time)

WeAreSix Sat 19-Jan-13 10:00:28

Thank you iggly. It's really hard on a forum to judge what kind of advice to post so I generally avoid it! Some people can take offence to advice like I've posted so I really hope it is taken as it is intended to be!

I was a midwife for 8 years and after having a screaming ventouse baby myself, I routinely requested paeds to prescribe paracetamol for instrumental deliveries. I'm certain it helped!

WeAreSix Sat 19-Jan-13 10:01:58

kafri babies with sore heads are notoriously difficult in car seats - it must be the head or neck position, or maybe the vibration? The more you post the more I'm convinced...

Oh poor you sad Both my babies have been like this, DS2 is nearly a year and it a lot better since becoming mobile. He screamed in the pram, car seat, bouncy chair even in my arms its unforgiving and soul destroying but please don't feel bad. I used to just walk round the streets when DS1 was at school, even when he was asleep id walk/jog the fresh air kept me sane and got him sleeping.

I know a few people who have sworn by cranial osteopathy for their DC's too.

Please consider a proper sling. They really are miraculous things and your movement and heartbeat will help soothe

Also, agree with the cows milk protein intolerance over lactose, DS2 had a temporary CMPI and gluten intolerance after contracting a stomach bug.

I hope things improve soon for you. If you need to put baby down if it gets too hard, just do it and make a cuppa etc... Take 5. smile

BooCanary Sat 19-Jan-13 10:13:59

Hi op.
I had a screamy refluxy baby. Its such a nightmare, I really feel for you.

What worked best for us was getting baby to sleep by whatever means - if that means baby sleeping on you all day long then so be it, or if you have to go for 2 hr walks every afternoon. So much of the problem is tiredness IME. Don't worry about not getting anything done, or your dh going back to work. It won't be forever.

However, bearing in mind the lumbar puncture etc, I would also be double checking with doctor.

Kafri Sat 19-Jan-13 10:17:36

I'm really not going to take offence at anything! I just want to know my baby is ok

He's been backwards and forwards to the docs and hospital and I keep being told there's nothing wrong after prodding and poking him and time is the only thing that will help

He fell asleep on me about half hour back but is now wide awake again wriggling in pain in his tummy and straining to poo/pass wind. He is constipated and on lactulose at the min but these tummy thing have gone in fr longer than the constipation

It just upsets me watching him now, bit to mention the time I 'wasted' getting him to sleep fr all of 20 mins!

Kafri Sat 19-Jan-13 10:19:45

It's go to the point where when he's awake he's upset, unless he's held by someone standing up to bounce him on their shoulder, an when he asleep he starts with this tummy writhing and straining and wakes himself up.
Added to that having to be held 24 hours a day as he screams whenever he's put down.
This is absolutely no fun whatsoever!

RubyrooUK Sat 19-Jan-13 10:21:46

Oh Kafri, I had one like this. I never knew that other people ate meals, put their babies in cots or pushchairs because none of these things ever happened to me!

DS was particularly bad between 6-11pm from about 4-10 weeks. He screamed and the only thing that helped at all was a CD of white noise played extremely loud. DH would walk him up and down in the dark until he calmed down and then I'd feed him and he would settle better (for 45 minutes, being held by someone).

A sling also helped as he got a bit older and things like a bouncy vibrating chair were good for five minutes as I stuffed a sandwich in my mouth.

Don't feel at all like you are doing badly. My DS is now two and he's lovely but god, was he a difficult baby. You will get through this.

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