Soooo hard

(263 Posts)
Kafri Thu 17-Jan-13 05:59:58

Am I really the only person finding this mummy thing sooooo difficult?
Don't get me wrong,I'm thrilled I have DS but I'm knackered. He's 4 weeks old and will not sleep on his back at all. Dr tried gaviscon as hv suspected reflux, didn't work and DS was still really unsettled (all the time). Dr is now trying lactose free milk which seems to be calming him tho he still won't settle ANYWHERE but on someone.
Doesn't even settle properly in the car or pram which he did the first week we were home, sleeps for a short time then wakes and screams. It upsets me as you see all these mums with content little babies out in the pram and there's me with mine screaming!
DH and I have been doing shifts with DS as someone has to hold him 24 hours! I'm getting worried about how I'll manage when DH goes back to work and its just me! He sleeps really well when on someone but the minute he goes down, he unsettles himself. He hates being swaddled and fights his way out!
I've lifted his crib at he head end, I've raised the mattress, I give a warm bath in bedtime routine etc
Looking back, he has always been unsettled on his back, even in hospital. I just thought it would settle but it got worse to the point where he won't go down at all. At one point he would only sleep upright-so curled up against our chest.
I tried having him in bed with me - kicked DH out, moved to middle of bed etc but just didn't feel comfortable enough to sleep myself.

I've tried letting him cry, just for a few mins (like while I boil the kettle, or nip to the loo), but it doesn't stop and I'm not comfortable with leaving him any longer than that -I just think he's too young.

I've always been really good with kids, I work with them too, so why ami finding this soooo hard. What am I doing wrong??

I'm sorry this is a bit disjointed and all over the place.

Please help and share you're experience as a new first time mum.

Oh and overnight, well between about 5-8am he seems to have really bad tummy cramps. He's on lactulose for constipation from the gaviscon but the tummy cramps also happened before the constipation too? It was like he was staining for hours to poo then when he finally managed his nappy was perfectly normal. The first time it happened I thought he was bunged up then was really surprised when his nappy was normal when it finally happened.

I feel like everyone else has these happy content little babies, and then there's me!!

Sorry it's such a long rambling!

Are you still around, Kafri?
How are you getting on?

Cubtrouble Wed 20-Feb-13 00:26:03

Kafri, our son was pretty bad when he was first born and still gets pains in his tummy now. I don't know if you do already but we found giving him milk warm was the best way to help him. For some reason cold milk makes him windy.

Now he drinks 7oz. 5oz will be room temp and 2oz boiling water from kettle is the temp he likes!

Good luck, I hope things get easier soon for you. Xxxxx

Kafri Wed 20-Feb-13 02:11:21

hi Pacific, yeah im still here - just figured everyone was sick of me whining by now lol.

ive judt recently started mixing room temp eith boiling water. he ysed to have room temp, as that's what they had in hospital and given we were in a week he got used to it.
Then tried warming in a cup of hot water then decided to mix room temp water with boiling as the pepti 1 powder dissolves better in hot.

feed wise he seems much much better atm. not sure whether its the milk, omeprazole, Infacol, him getting bigger/mire mature, new bottles or a combination of all.
hes off ranitidine now. doc said to wean off once omeprazole started. out of everything - the ranitidine was the only thing I've ever struggled to get him to take.

He will still only sleep on his tummy on some cushions - clearly likes to be cosy like his mum. It just means i don't sleep well as I'm terrified of him suffocating. when should he be 'safe' on his tummy? he's very strong, but obviously not turning himself (either) way yet. everything i read says when he can turn himself both ways - while to go yet.

seems a lot calmer atm. still very quick to cry. can be playing on his playmat with me and will go from huge smile to tears in the blink of an eye. keep looking cues that he's to tiring of activity but literally goes from smile to cry. I know I must be missing something. ..
at least he's realised he doesn't have to scream - he will just cry sometimes now. small mercies and all that. .

car and pram are hit and miss now. drove half our each way to sisters ob sunday - was fine. drove 5 mins ti brothers yesterday-screamed. same in pram. walked riund town yesterday - fine and dandy. walked same today - cried the whole time.?????

Writergirl Wed 20-Feb-13 19:34:54

Hi there
Sorry - read some of the pages but not all 10! So, I don't know if anyone has already suggested, but have you considered a cranial osteopath?

Don't know if it's your cup of tea, but but sometimes, depending on the birth, the baby's soft skull bones are compressed and it can give them discomfort like a headache.

I have a few friends who recommended it to me.

Other than that, you have my sympathy...my DS3 was born in August and I couldn't put him down until December! (he's now 2 and things are ok :-)

I had to wear him the whole time and car journeys were a nightmare. I literally couldn't put him down.

Luckily, as I'd had kids before, but nothing like that, I knew it would pass, so just bear that in mind. Good luck O O O

Kafri Thu 21-Feb-13 01:35:18

flipping heck what a night. it was like being transported back to 6 weeks ago.
went out to see friend late afternoon and got stuck at every traffic lights, crossing etc possible so ds kept crying in the car. Most of the time he seemed to settle once we moved again. seemed ok once we arrived. gave him his feed. left to come home at 6 (waited for rush hour traffic to die down a bit). he screamed as we set off but very quickly fell asleep and didn't hear a peep til I got home.

pulled up on the drive and bam!! wide awake. was screaming before I'd even walked round the car to get him out and that was it - he screamed and screamed and screamed the rest of the night.

rootypig Thu 21-Feb-13 08:43:13

oh Kafri that sounds so so hard. seems like it's one step forward five two steps back with this baby lark. are you going to be ok today? does he at least get some exhausted sleep after so much yelling?

darlingoz Thu 21-Feb-13 11:19:52

I could have written ur post word for word. Definitely not alone!!! God I hated the first 12 weeks- not the baby but the situation. For the first 7 weeks she was strapped to me in the babybjorn. It was the only way she could sleep. I would even sleep on the couch with her in it at least then knowing I couldn't drop her. Looking back I think other than the obvious wanting to be on u it's normal reason the screaming was not ok and I believe I wasn't burping her enough. I'd feed her then burp her at the end. A great book I read advised burping every 30 mls or 2 min b/feeding. What a difference. It also said to never give up on that burp- it can take up to fifteen minutes. If I'd have only known that before she reached 7 weeks. My poor baby was screaming cos she was starving but her little tummy was too filled with gas to drink more. Anyway, u are definitely not alone!!

Kafri Thu 21-Feb-13 15:06:44

we are definitely back at square one! its a viciius circle. he feeds, is content for fifteen mins, I figgt him to sleep where he mught have 20mins and then wakes screaming again. then it starts again with another feed.

ive just given in and put him in his swing while I eat something.

I dont get it. he hates and I mean HATES EVERYTHING.

Swing - scream
bouncer - scream
playmat ' scream
pram - scream
car - scream
carry - scream

I just don't know what to do. he just hets himself soooo worked up he cant bring himself down.

rootypig Thu 21-Feb-13 23:00:42

you haven't said what you think about cranial osteo?

Kafri Fri 22-Feb-13 01:17:17

thats because im not sure what I think. i cant find much locally to me. what does it actually involve someone doing to him?

Kafri Fri 22-Feb-13 07:25:49

please can someone answer this question.

he seems to be eating less..

he was feeding ecery 3 hours during the day and with last feed at about 10pm. sleeping through to 6am so 6 x 6oz bottles (hes on Pepti 1 remember)

anyway, gradually over last few days he's been taking less - down to about 4oz tho still finishing some feeds so wasnt too worried.

anyway, he woke at 6.30 this morning so changed him and fed him but he's only had 3oz and some of that was with him trying to spit the teat out.

First off, doea it sound kike something to worry about and second, if its nothing wrong, I don't want to get into the habit of snack feeds every 5mins.

he has been a bit jumpy overnight - wriggly and sort of groaning. and then with his feed he couldn't keep still? ?

Kafri Fri 22-Feb-13 07:27:42

forgot to say. didn't finish last feed last night for dh, so had 4oz at 10pm 8 hours sleep abd theb 3 oz this morning?

rootypig Fri 22-Feb-13 09:34:22

osteopathy = correcting structural problems in the body with non invasive touch ie massage and stimulation. It's very gentle, but with the right person is very skilled and specific. I would perhaps post on Mumsnet local to see if anyone can recommend in your area. Manchester? I am in London, but would recommend the one I've seen.

I know you're having an incredibly tough time with DS, and I find myself researching tiny things with DD, but in all honesty from recent posts it sounds as if your anxiety and worry is taking over entirely, and you would benefit from seeing someone for treatment for DS and reassurance for you. Many people here are recommending osteopathy as an option that could help your baby and I would say that they could also be a source of support to you.

I really couldn't say if the feeds are something to worry about, it sounds good that he's having something and babies' appetites do fluctuate. DD is ebf but she definitely goes through phases of having 'snack feeds' and bigger feeds. I personally wouldn't worry for a couple of days unless he was refusing all food and not sleeping.

ps 8 hours sleep sounds fab? hope you had it too! smile

yawningbear Fri 22-Feb-13 16:48:24

Totally agree with Rooty, babies change all the time, that is the only constant with them, their appetite, sleep patterns, poos, it all changes constantly and just when you think you,ve got some thing cracked they throw something else at you. I really don't think need to worry and brilliant that he slept for such a long period of time, and at night!

The cranial osteopathy is totally non invasive and it can actually appear as if they are doing nothing at all, you can feel you have paid for someone to lay their hands on your baby's head and nothing more, but it really helped with my DD and DS. There have been a lot of people on this thread who do really relate to the issues that you are having with your DS, because they have been there themselves and found that one of the things that has made a difference is the cranial osteopathy, so perhaps worth considering.

Kafri, I did not want to revive your thread and then run away, but RL got in the way wink.

Still tough, then, eh? You poor thing, and poor your DS.
I too think that cranial osteopathy is worth a shot although there is little evidence to support it and with my medical hat on I think it a bit voodoo - however with my desprate mother hat on, I gave it a shot with DS4 who was quite the screamer too. It is entirely gentle, babies don't mind at all and by all accounts some people report a massive difference for the better. It didn't work for us, I took DS4 for 3 treatments. If you find somebody locally and can afford potentially wasted money, my take on it would be that you don't have much to lose and might just gain IYKWIM.

Yes, feeding patterns change all the time. If he continues to gain weight and thrives, I would not worry about day-to-day feeding. If there is a downward trend, then get him looked at.

I am not sure what to suggest other than what I've said before (and what took me to my 3rd child to fully believe): some babies do not 'like' being babies, some need that '4th trimester' to accespt hat they are now in this world, some are more frantic personalities than others (and always will be, although the incessant wailing does stop, thank goodness!).

As long as you feel that he has been suffiencently assessed to give you the confidence that he is not ill/in pain, then all you can do is the best you can do. And wait for time to pass.
'Tis a marathon, not a sprint. I still have contented-baby-envy towards some of my friends who had their children at the same time as me and seemed to have enjoyed a blissful early motherhood with their bundles of joy envy.
Ah well, my DS1 is going to cure cancer/discover new galaxies/find the cure for the common cold, so not having strangled him when he was impossible to placate was worthwhile wink.

Kafri Sat 23-Feb-13 21:01:12

ive been reading abiut it these last few days amd I think im going to give it a go. just gotta find someone decent in the north west now.
im not sure whether i have any belief in it but i have got to the point where i have tried everything else and need to give it a go if only to tick it off the list.
I certainly can't afford it as such but if it helps then I'll find the money cos it'll be worth it to see him happier.

These last 4 days have been awful. I think the worst part is when he has a 'good day' its still such hard work keeping him settled as the slightest thing sets him off. literally smile to scream in the blink of an eye.

Kafri Sun 24-Feb-13 19:32:28

this may be the silliest of questions. ..

in all his distress, ds appears at his worst while at home. he has only been as bad as at home while out once and that was on Friday at a friends house.

my query is, could cats possibly have anything to do with our problems. he doesn't have any outward symptoms of allergy but he us generally so much better when we're out at various places (apart from the journey-be it on foot or in the car)

he's by no means perfect at other places - friends/bro/sis/church/even a restaurant today (which I was dreading) but much better than at home or indeed at this friends on Friday. the only common denominator that separates home and this friends house from every other place we go is cats!

we have 2 (1 only comes in to eat, the other sleeps on a beanbag) and my friend had one until it died last week.

just wondering if there's a possibility that the cat could be causing some of our troubles in some way or am i being ridiculous?

rootypig Sun 24-Feb-13 19:39:30

hi Kafri - no idea but you're not being ridiculous to ask, when DD is unsettled I get paranoid about everything eg a sniffle and I'm eyeing the cleaning products. and it's an interesting observation. hope someone with an idea about the cats will be along soon.

Kafri Sun 24-Feb-13 19:46:56

thanks rooty.
They're DHs cats so I can take them or leave them to be honest but certainly wouldn't want dh to re home them if they're nothing to do with any of the issues.

im booking an appointment for CO in the morning. Not sure i believe it'll do anything but it's certainly worth a try.

stargirl1701 Sun 24-Feb-13 20:31:33

Hi Kafri. You're having a really rough time by the sounds of it. I just found your thread...I have many of my own.

DD is 24 weeks and is so similar to your LO. We have tried everything mentioned on your thread too. I find that something will work for a few days and then we go back to square one. It's so disheartening. My only advice would be to try and block out all the idiots trying to give you shit advice. If one more person suggests CC to me I may punch them!

I found that distraction works more consistently than anything else. A feature of refluxy babies is that they are more alert. So, we go out every day. I go on bus journeys that are just a circle back home. I sit in cafes so DD can watch the staff working. I drive and drive on the motorway (no traffic lights). I wander round large supermarkets without buying anything. Just to make the screaming stop.

DH and I share the load and we each get one full night away every month either at a friend's or relative's house. We have arranged a babysitter to come for 2 hours once a week to let us leave the house together as a couple - sometimes dinner, a movie, or, if it has been really bad, just sit in the car together. We have a cleaner once a week. We ask friends and relatives to help with laundry. She goes to the crèche at Church.

It's about survival. I feel so distressed that my mat leave is almost half way over and I haven't really enjoyed it all. I really don't enjoy the mum and baby groups because of the shocked reactions of other mums but, I keep going - one group every day.

It's fucking hard. And, unless they've had a high needs baby, most people don't have a clue. But, you are not alone. thanks

Kafri Mon 25-Feb-13 10:08:36

I've booked an appointment for CO. Going tomorrow morning. Keeping my fingers crossed that it will have some effect. I hate seeing ds looking so miserable all the time and it can't be nice for him either.

rootypig Mon 25-Feb-13 17:00:43

Good luck Kafri. I really hope it makes a difference. whether it does or doesn't, I hope you get some time away soon to rest and relax - even if just a few hours - as stargirl suggests. xoxo

rootypig Tue 26-Feb-13 04:56:11

also here is high needs thread in case you haven't spotted x

Kafri Tue 26-Feb-13 19:52:05

well im not quite sure what I made of his CO appt.
ds screamed throughout. then the guy sort of handed him back and just said 'I think he needs mummy cuddles'
wants to see him again on Friday? ??

he came recommended by people from my local NCT branch so wasn't as if i just plucked him from the yellow pages.

stargirl1701 Tue 26-Feb-13 19:53:40

Is he a paediatric specialist CO? Maybe have a search online and find out if there is anyone else in your area?

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