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angelic apart but devilish together - coping strategies for 6 and 12 year old needed!

5 replies

tigermoth · 20/04/2006 07:13

Over the last year or so, my two sons (12 and 6)have got worse and worse when out in company together. They make a devilish combination - lots of winding each other up, teasing, pushing the limits, loudness, sly pushing and shoving, competing for my attention, ignoring instructions and defying threats of punishment. This can happen when we are alone at home, but at least they can go into separate rooms/watch TV to calm down. Their combined behaviour is worse when we are out.

But they get on well on the whole. In between the shoves and kicks, they hug a lot, share jokes and the teasing often has an affectionate edge. When they defy me they often do it together forming a united front of badness.

I've tried talking to them separately, especially my oldest son. Now he's at secondary school shouldn't he really be getting past playfighting, teasing and larking around with a six year old in the street? DS1 should surely have the maturity to know when enough is enough. He is so fond of appearing 'cool' in public and really, this behaviour is anything but. All this falls on deaf ears.

Both sons can be lovely people. They certainly know how to behave in public and can be very sociable and civilised when they want to be.

As soon as either ds1 or ds2 are apart from each other, their behavior changes for the better within minutes.

So, my solution has been to split them up and take out each son separately when at all possible. For instance, at the weekends ds1 goes to theatre and cricket clubs (which he likes)so I take out ds2 alone.

On holiday over Easter this splitting up was not so possible and they were a nightmare together.

Any tips?

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tigermoth · 20/04/2006 08:17

bump!

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swedishmum · 20/04/2006 11:20

Mine are the same, though closer in age - it's my 10yodd and 9yods who drive me mad. No advice I'm afraid - just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I've tried most things from bribery to threats. May try videoing them when they are not watching and see if it shocks them. Will watch the thread to check for bright ideas!

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scoobytwo · 20/04/2006 11:30

myn are too ds 11 dd 4 drive me&eachother round the bend
sorry no tips just grin&bear it&try to be the reff

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MadamePlatypus · 20/04/2006 11:57

This is exactly the age gap between 2 girls that I au paired for about 10 years ago. I really recognise the behaviour. It was as though seeing what it was like to be a 6 year old, and being on the thresh hold of being a teenager, the older girl couldn't quite let go of acting like a 6 year old when they were together. The 6 year old really liked any attention from her big sister (even if she was being teased) and always egged her on. They were both really great girl's, but a pain to be with when they were together. I don't really have any advice for you (particularly as I was the au pair, not the mum), but I think the dynamics are bound to change as they grow older. My (probably unhelpful!) advice is to value the fact that despite the age gap they seem fairly close.

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tigermoth · 21/04/2006 08:08

that's a good insight, madamplatypus. I do think ds1 is using this larking around as a way of holding onto his childhood. I have a feeling in a few years' time I will actually miss it. I just wish I could cope with it better now, as I end up getting so bad tempered and as we are in public, and this is not a good thing. I hate the shouting, nagging person I turn into for all to see :(

Videoing them is a thought.

Any other tips about keeping the lid on things when we are out would be really appreciated. I have tried threats and this works up to a point, but doesn't get at the root of the problem. I just can't understand why they can't be calmer together.

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