How do people approach Attachment and Unconditional parenting with 2 plus children

(27 Posts)
Dinglebert Sun 06-Jan-13 21:23:20

Just wondering how this works in practice. I love the sound of both these approaches, but wondering how it fits within real life - 3 children, DH working away etc. How do you become a child led parent when you have three children wanting to head off in different directions and need to be on the road for school in three minutes.

Also, does anyone know what child psychologists support these approaches?

amazingmumof6 Mon 07-Jan-13 01:18:51

sorry? child led parent? never heard it but it sound rubbish to me... the clue is in the title, you are the parent, you lead. end of

next the dog is taking you for a walk....

Welovecouscous Mon 07-Jan-13 01:24:21

Dingle you might want to read Dr Sears, the AP Book. I haven't read it myself, but I know it's supposed to be a good guide.

I only have one, so I can't really answer your questions, though I think I'm loosely doing ap - I used a sling, still bf at 18 months, we co-sleep. I think it's really about being responsive to your children, not about being permissive or being with them all the time.

Welovecouscous Mon 07-Jan-13 01:25:43
Dinglebert Mon 07-Jan-13 08:15:22

Thanks WeLove. Just wondering what the credentials of those researchers are.

Amazing mum - there are some parents who practice this approach at school who literally run around after their children. Drives me crackers. Their 'non directive' approach resulted in one little sweetheart taking 30 mins to put on shoes at our house the other day.

Looking for a middle ground ...

DefiniteMaybe Mon 07-Jan-13 08:25:44

I have 2 children and do some bits of what they call attachment parenting. As far as I can see its just about meeting your child's needs so would be suprised if most parents don't do this. Eg ds age 4 needs me to lie with him at bedtime until he goes to sleep. Even at 4 I won't leave him to cry himself to sleep. Dd 16months needs to be fed to sleep so that's what happens. Lots of love and cuddles and giving your child chance to gain independance when they are ready to.

amazingmumof6 Tue 08-Jan-13 09:03:11

definite I think that lying in bed with a 4 year old till he falls asleep is not a good idea on so many levels.

of course it's so much easier to not deal with a problem and hide behind a fake ideology with a fancy name....

parents are in charge and should be in charge, you need to teach your children, not wait for things to happen by chance. that's just lazy

GroupieGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 09:20:27

Did the previous poster ask for a critique of her parenting? No. Ssh.

GroupieGirl Tue 08-Jan-13 09:20:57

Did the previous poster ask for a critique of her parenting? No. Ssh.

fraktion Tue 08-Jan-13 09:30:01

I think that's a rather bizarre view to take, amazing. Forcing a child to be alone may result in them developing serious fears and phobias. It's a perfectly natural need for children to know that their parent won't abandon them. What's to say definite hadn't tried to teach her DS and it's ended up being more traumatic all round?

Consciously choosing to AP or whatever isn't necessarily lazy. Some people think CIO is lazy.

sommewhereelse Wed 09-Jan-13 19:18:58

I like many of the principles in UP.

With one child, you question the boundaries you are setting up and allow your child to question them but in the end you set the ones that work for all your family and teach your children to respect them without using punishment or rewards.

With two or more children the same applies but there are going to be more limits because there are more people coming into the equation.

Eg noise, you may decide with your first child it's ok to play loudly indoors because you don't have close neighbours and you are tolerant of this kind of noise, but only when the other parent is at work because they get headaches really easily. Then you have a baby who needs to nap so playing noisily indoors become off limit (but you could continue to have loud play sessions when noise-sensitive parent has taken baby out in the pram).

Children have to go to school on time. So you can't be negotiating which shoes they wear 2 minutes before you leave. But you can make a note to discuss it in the evening. Or take the boots in a bag because you know your child will get cold feet half way to school. Or whatever solution works for your family.

sommewhereelse Wed 09-Jan-13 19:21:57

Or you could Home Ed your children so you don't have to get them to another building at a set time. (Not a workable solution for me!)

DefiniteMaybe Thu 10-Jan-13 14:17:53

Did you mean to sound so rude amazing?
Spending 20 mins doing story, cuddles then sleep with ds means that every day he gets some one to one time. Doesn't sound like a problem to me.

forevergreek Thu 10-Jan-13 14:30:14

Attachment parenting is as others said more about meeting the child's needs as they need them then actually being 'attached' or letting them always decide. For some people meeting there needs may be that they like co sleeping/ wearing etc, but another child might like a routine of stories, milk and being put in their own cot/ bed at night. It's a case if listening and trying to understand what suits them best. Over time these things change with age

Think of it almost as you make the rules, but actually most are negotiable.

Attachment is a close bond between a child and their caregiver. It Usually is a parent but can be another close adult figure. It's someone they go to if they are hurt or feel scared. Someone they trust will meets yet needs and be there for them.

HilaryClinton Fri 11-Jan-13 16:11:07

I have three and try to UP as far as possible. The children don't have explicit "rules" at home. But they see and hear and know the expected standards of behaviour e.g. Instead of saying "don't talk with your mouth full" I might " darling would you like a little drink first" or "I can't understand you, do you want to finish chewing first".
The other thing is about setting things up for success, so I'm on top of the main causes of tantrums. I organise the day to minimise the pinch points.

Amazing mum, I presume you did mean to sound so rude! But I don't want their childhood to be some version of "JFDI" and "STFU"

HilaryClinton Fri 11-Jan-13 16:14:18

I have three and try to UP as far as possible. The children don't have explicit "rules" at home. But they see and hear and know the expected standards of behaviour e.g. Instead of saying "don't talk with your mouth full" I might " darling would you like a little drink first" or "I can't understand you, do you want to finish chewing first".
The other thing is about setting things up for success, so I'm on top of the main causes of tantrums. I organise the day to minimise the pinch points.

Amazing mum, I presume you did mean to sound so rude! But I don't want their childhood to be some version of "JFDI" and "STFU"

HilaryClinton Fri 11-Jan-13 16:15:24

Sorry for the double post. Meant to say I also lie beside one of our kids until they're asleep. They're 3!

InNeedOfBrandy Fri 11-Jan-13 16:21:44

Yeah feed your dc to sleep, don't worry about tooth decay and having them removed by 3.

You can have secure happy confident dc without listening to all the attachment parenting bollocks, and it is utter shit it does harm dc more then it helps and it does raise spoilt entitled dc.

You can bf, co sleep, talk nicely to your dc, listen to your dc and meet their needs (and yes that includes bounderies and rules to keep them safe and harm free) without buying into anything a dc wants a dc gets.

HilaryClinton Fri 11-Jan-13 16:36:18

InNeed UP is 100% not about giving a child everything they say they want. Not at all. You seem to be making things up to suit your thoughts without the benefit of the facts.
My children are neither spoilt nor entitled... Sorry!

baskingseals Fri 11-Jan-13 18:35:06

i think you can have 10 children and still have an UP approach to parenting.
UP is NOT about giving in to children, it is about listening and respecting them, you can listen and respect one child or several. if there is a conflict of interests you have to decide whose need is the greatest.

could i ask why you are asking op?

InNeed where is your evidence about tooth decay? I do not personally know of a single child who has been fed to sleep for an extended period who has suffered from this. You might find this link interesting.

Dinglebert Sat 12-Jan-13 19:08:42

Most of those examples sound like normal good parenting though.

Why am I asking Basking? Just struggling with a couple of school families currently and wondering if it is a function of family size and/or parenting styles.

baskingseals Sat 12-Jan-13 21:27:57

i think UP is basically normal good parenting dingle.

i would say that you are probably right in thinking that problems arise because of parenting and family size. one or two children is more manageable than 3 or more, you can do it, but it is harder.

BasicallySFB Sat 12-Jan-13 21:32:18

Is it not just what most people do naturally as good parents without needing a label or ideology?

HilaryClinton Sun 13-Jan-13 15:16:15

'Is that not normal parenting' ? Apparently not, if you take time -out/naughty step as an example of punishment then it's principle is that UNLESS the child performs to the parents' standard he/she will be excluded. i.e participation is conditional on being up to scratch as determined by the parent.

The book explains it a lot better.

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