what would you do.....

(71 Posts)
goralka Tue 13-Nov-12 20:15:09

if your 13 year old son had been on a sleepover and there had been drink taken and someone engaged him in oral sex (ie he was giving it to a boy) and there was a webcam in the room and the video had been passed around and it was now very hard for him to deal with school? in a very small/close area?

BobbiFleckmann Wed 14-Nov-12 11:17:44

give the poor boy a hug. His sister will probably be taking some flack too. Good luck. Personally wouldn't involve police unless & until I had another school lined up for both of them. xx

matana Wed 14-Nov-12 11:30:46

Woah, hang on there goralka! What i've tried to do is offer advice, which you asked for and which has been suggested by others (re. school/ police etc.) I have also said you're doing right by loving him, reassuring him etc. I understand you're very upset by this, but please don't think i'm being an arse.

What i am trying to say is that even if homosexuality is not an issue for you, it is clearly an issue for your DS and he is obviously focussing very heavily on it - which is why i said, try to take that element out of it altogether when speaking to him and concentrate on the fact that it's essentially abuse. And i was not recommending not getting his permission. What i meant by 'discrete' was keeping it as quiet as possible from other people who are involved, i.e. from the people who are doing this to him. I was bullied at school and the thought of people knowing that my parents were speaking to the school was worse than the bullying itself. Had others known my parents were involved the bullies would simply have upped their game. The school/ police might have advice.

I would still seriously speak to the police and leave it to them to speak to the host's mum because they are more used to dealing with potentially confrontational situations. Contrary to popular belief they can be very sensitive in these situations, as someone else up thread has said. Even if you don't plan to be confrontational, the chances are the other boy's mother will be extremely defensive.

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 11:35:28

thank you matana, it is all good advice. I must apologise for being snappy, just a tad overwrought at the moment.....

I would try and talk to social services if you can. Whatever the context, the details, and where you go from here, your son was a victim of sexual abuse. Otherwise, if it has been distributed and another parent finds out and report you, your covering it up will look much worse to them.

sweetfluffybunnies Wed 14-Nov-12 12:00:54

I think you have two options:
-move schools
-talk to his current school about this.

I speak from experience as I was in a similar position to you a few months ago with my dd. Fortunately for her the video did not get passed around, but everyone knew what she had done. She did not want the school to know what had happened but in the end they found out anyway, and were really amazing and supportive. The perpetrators were dealt with severely and dd was given support and counselling to deal with the bullying and the lack of self-esteem which lead to the incident in the first place.

I completely empathise with how you are feeling; I felt my world had fallen apart. But in the end I wished I had gone to the school straight away, it would have nipped the bullying in the bud and saved weeks of extreme angst for dd.

I really think doing nothing is not an option. This will not go away on its own. I completely understand how your ds does not want his school to know, but honestly they deal with this sort of thing alot (although this seems like a particularly bad case to me). At the very least your ds will need support to face his schoolmates again. He can't stay home forever. And as someone else pointed out, this is abuse and the abusers need to be made to stop.

If you really can't face the school then it would seem you have no option but to move away. However from my own experience, although of course I wish it had never happened, at least my dd has had a valuable lesson in actions and consequences, and by facing up to her school mates she has become a very strong person, and also learned not to judge others in the way she herself was judged.

I wish you well, you will need strength and love to support your ds through this - and it sounds like you have plenty of both.

Agree with Matana about not approaching the parents yourself. Can totally understand you wanting to get ds's permission before approaching the police,but, if it's a small community it'll get to their attention anyway. Much better coming from you I reckon.
Have a chat to Childline or NSPCC anonymously and then speak to your ds again about it.

It sounds like you're doing your absolute best for your son and that he knows he's loved. Things will get better, it'll just take some time and work.

Have you got family/friends around? Keep coming back here at the very least, it's important to have an outlet.

You do need to tell the host's mum. This happened in her house after all. Does that not make her more than an bit responsible? They are children.

When DS1 goes on a sleepover I expect him to be looked after. He is only 13. I thought watching an 18 film was as bad as it got. sad

Should mention I only think you should go to the police because of the video being passed round, not that he's done anything wrong.

steppemum Wed 14-Nov-12 12:14:38

when my brothers were 13 and 14, they would have got up to stuff like this, if left alone at a sleepover/party. Drinking alcohol and stupid sex stuff (like masturbation competitions)
I am not sure how much of it they would have been mortified about after wards, especially if they had been drinking.
I find/found it shocking as I was a little innocent, but one of my closest friends lost her virginity in a hay barn on a pony club camp at 13.

I think there is probably a lot more teenage sex out there than we like to think. The troubling thing about this is that it has been videoed and the video is doing the rounds.
I agree about the contacting anyone in authority without his permission, but I still think it would be worth trying to contact someone who can give you advice, like child line

steppemum Wed 14-Nov-12 12:18:42

sorry, didn't mean to belittle the act, I agree he was tricked into it, and wasn't in a position to be consenting. I just wanted to flag up what there is out there.

Where did the alcohol come from?

The other side of this is to be worried about what hands the video can fall in to and what motivated the other boy involved. I only say this as research has shown that children who abuse are usually victims of abuse themselves. Could be that by reporting it officially you'd be helping more than your son.

I know your son is your priority here and now and really don't want to guilt trip or pressurise you but the it's a consideration in whatever you decide.

QTPie Wed 14-Nov-12 13:40:26

Personally I am not sure that I would tell the host's mum - unless you are very close to her, I have an awful feeling that you might get denial/abuse/disbelief back...

If school is where the current problem is, then that us where I would go - it is the behaviour of the other kids in reaction to it, isn't it? A good school should tackle that.

But I would be VERY careful - just in relation to your son, his state of mind and any "desperation". Boy's can often feel so trapped, desperate and "no way out" of situations like this, that they do something desperate. So the important thing is him and do what he feels best and what helps him to cope and get through it (he will!) - regardless of whether it would be your choice of what to do or not.... Does thar make sense?

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 15:25:31

sparklingbrook get this, the mother supplies the host boy with strong alcohol and tobacco - he is 15 but in the same school year as my son due to being held back a year back in primary.
Good points from everyone, thanks again.

LadyInDisguise Wed 14-Nov-12 15:41:52

Have you tried and contacted the NSCCP? I think they would be really good advice, you won't have to give your name etc... It's not like involving the Police, SS etc... but they WILL be able to give some directions as to you HAVE to do, what might be better to do and so on.

Agree about the fact your ds seems to need some reassurance that the act itself isn't an issue (if this was done in the right circumstances). It seems that he is worried you might have 'similar' reactions to his dad about it?

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 15:46:00

nah he knows my views on such things...

LadyInDisguise Wed 14-Nov-12 15:56:31

That's good smile

Have you talked to anyone in RL about it?

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 16:01:35

I kind of mentioned it to my dad without going into details about what the act was....he was a bit .....gobsmacked...

Chunkamatic Wed 14-Nov-12 16:08:40

My goodness I am so shocked and feel so so sad for your son that he has been so taken advantage of.
You sound like a lovely Mum with his best interests so I believe he will get the support from you that he needs.
I have no practical advice but would maybe go along with speaking to someone anonymously (nspcc) just so you can get an understanding of how the law views what happened and what they believe the best course of action to be.
Good luck in sorting this out.

cory Wed 14-Nov-12 16:31:09

I think you need to persuade your ds that the only way to put a stop to this is to involve the school and the police; otherwise it will follow him for a long time. It is illegal, the police can and will deal with it.

The best thing would be to set up a meeting with the three of you.

catstail Tue 20-Nov-12 20:37:17

i think you should phone nspcc urgently and annonymously, you can withhold your number if you like.

you need to understand from a professional and impartial perspective whether this is a child protection/child abuse issue - and you need to do it without disclosing your identity, please call them, let us know what they say

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