what would you do.....

(71 Posts)
goralka Tue 13-Nov-12 20:15:09

if your 13 year old son had been on a sleepover and there had been drink taken and someone engaged him in oral sex (ie he was giving it to a boy) and there was a webcam in the room and the video had been passed around and it was now very hard for him to deal with school? in a very small/close area?

Beamur Tue 13-Nov-12 21:37:16
Sparklingbrook Tue 13-Nov-12 21:42:26

I just wish there was something I could do or say goralka. Please consider speaking to somebody with authority or knowledge though. Is there anyone at the school that could help you?

mummaxmas Tue 13-Nov-12 21:47:03

Oh god mums worst nightmare, I imagine your feeling his pain more as he doesn't understand the whole of it. I would go to school head, have the video wiped out and have him shrug it off ! Then push him in the direction of some good kids and cross your fingers ! Big hugs x

goralka Tue 13-Nov-12 21:47:14

thanks for the good link Beamur
Sparklingbrook I hesitate to confide in anyone in authority about this, really.

Please don't cry. This is a horrible situation, but I do honestly think you need to speak to the police and the school.

Sparklingbrook Tue 13-Nov-12 22:09:47

I do understand that goralka but I am worried that it's the only way to move forward in the long run. sad

NatashaBee Tue 13-Nov-12 22:19:54

I would speak to the police, I would hate the thought of that video falling into (any more of the) wrong hands. It's not really clear - was this consensual or was he plied with drink to get him to do it? Where did the alcohol come from?

goralka Tue 13-Nov-12 22:23:43

I think he was plied with drink from what I can make out. I do not know exactly where the alcohol came from, possibly an older friend who was not involved in this, possibly the mother of the charming host. The school nurse told me ages ago that this boy was bad news.

QTPie Tue 13-Nov-12 22:29:54

Hi

I am so sorry for all of you - must be rough. It really sounds as though your son was taken advantage of. I am sorry, but I am disgusted at the kids who videos it (and most likely set it up). I know of something similar happening a few years ago - nasty sad

Personally, I would:
- reassure your son that, whatever, you love him unconditionally and support him.
- if it is practical to move (but only if it is a practcal option), I would ask you son and daughter how they felt about moving (and changing school). Unless you move a long way (and even then) it may follow you (hopefully not, but you never know who knows who).
- if you do stay, I would look at talking to the school and possibly involving the police (although only with your son's agreement): someone really should scare the poo out of the perpetrators...

I am so sorry - take care of yourself and your son.

NatashaBee Tue 13-Nov-12 22:32:27

If it wasn't something he wanted to do or would have done sober, then it's abuse.

Sparklingbrook Wed 14-Nov-12 09:04:13

Where do the parents whose house this happened at fit into all this?

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 09:48:40

hmmm I feel like telling the mum...single working mum, older brothers, big house, that's all I know.
Son has refused to go to school this morning.

Sparklingbrook Wed 14-Nov-12 09:50:01

I don't blame him TBH goralka. Are you feeling a bit better?

Sparklingbrook Wed 14-Nov-12 09:51:51

I think the parents should know. I would want to know if this had gone on in my house. Under age drinking is just the tip of the iceberg here. They should know, because there will be another sleepover no doubt.....

Beamur Wed 14-Nov-12 09:59:06

I think keeping him off school for a couple of days is a good idea, you've both had a big shock and need some time.

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 10:05:44

thanks for good advice and concern, both of you. I am not as upset as last night, more thinking of the practicalities of it all.......
again he is assuring me that he not gay, I am like I DO NOT MIND!!

Sparklingbrook Wed 14-Nov-12 10:10:13

Oh poor DS. He must think that's your main concern. sad I don't really know what to add other than as a Mum of a 13 year old boy it's not easy.

Beamur Wed 14-Nov-12 10:19:29

I wonder if your son is having some issues about his sexual identity too, which would make this exposure all the more painful. Poor lad.

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 10:33:20

oh yeh he is camp as Christmas when he feels like it, skipping about in girls' clothes - into drama and design, so not alpha male iykwim.
His twin sister says he is bi and she knows him best.

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 10:35:12

and what has really upset me more is that the 'receiver' also burnt his arm with a hot lighter that night.
It is all so abusive.
I just want to move back to London.

pictish Wed 14-Nov-12 10:40:31

Awwwww your poor poor son! I feel very very sorry for him indeed. This is just awful! sad

I agree with ringing the police and seeking advice.

Your instinct to protect him must be going into overdrive. I really hope you get closure on this.
I want to hug him myself! dearie me!

matana Wed 14-Nov-12 10:57:46

You say he's at pains to tell you he's not gay, but that's not really the issue here is it? If he's gay, he's gay - though i accept you don't believe he is. Teenage boys are odd and do odd things when in a group, especially if alcohol is consumed. I would probably have concentrated on explaining to him that the reason it's shocking is not because of the homosexual aspects to the incident, but because of the alcohol, the fact that he's so young and should have respect for himself (body and mind) and this is actually sexual assault in law, regardless of whether your son was a willing participant. It's also sexual exploitation/ humiliation/ bullying etc. The fact that your DP is homophobic is a very big issue too as it's a massive 'secret' to be keeping which i don't believe is healthy at all. Though you are doing right by loving him, reassuring him, being there for him etc. I too would be thinking of going to the police and would have discrete discussions with the school without your DS present (due to his embarrassment) - perhaps actually talking to the police and head teacher in the same room. Does he have other friends who are now supporting him? Ime it's easier to handle bullying if there is a core group of friends who continue to be there for him. It's also more effective to deal with situations like this with both parents knowing the full facts. At the moment your son is keeping a 'dirty little secret' which will only add to his feelings of humiliation and shame.

steppemum Wed 14-Nov-12 11:01:59

I think you need some advice. Try and phone NSPCC or childline and ask for advice.

I seem to remember a similar case to this and the police got involved. They were nice, but firm and made sure the image was gone form eveyrone's phones, and made sure the kids understood it was illegal. it gave the ones passing the image round a sobering scare and effectively put an end to it. But of course there is no guarantee that would be the outcome.

I would talk to the school. I would take the line someone mentioned above. Someone got him drunk and then took advantage of him in a sick exploitative joke, and the images are going round school. I don't know what they can do, but they presumably have to deal with incidents like this occasionally?

And I would talk to the mum, even if it is only to tell her what happened. She needs to know even if she is not receptive to the information.

What a sad mess for your ds sad

So sorry for all of you goralka, it's a hideous situation. I think if it was me I'd go to the police because of all the reasons above but I'd also move. You're right that s/s may get involved when you contact the police but from what you've posted can't see that you'd have anything to worry about, would hope their input would be to support your family.

I think your right that he'll never live this down, not that he's done anything to be ashamed of, but I come from a very rural area and know what you're saying about gossip and rumours.

Telling your x is tricky, he has a right to know about it but if he's going to make the situation worse by judging your ds then I'm not sure I would.

goralka Wed 14-Nov-12 11:12:45

matana I thought I had made it clear that his sexuality is not the issue? and where did I say that I don't believe that he is exactly? honestly if you are going to reply, please read the thread first and don't make assumptions.
If you honestly think that sharing this with a homophobic Pole is a good idea.....please think again,I know what those people are like, trust me IT IS NOT a GOOD IDEA.
No 'core group' friends are supporting him, no.
And honestly if you think I am going to discuss this with police and school without his permission....just no way.
Mostly the school are interested in attendence and wearing the correct colour shoes.
The police here are scary.
I might go and tell the host's mum tho, I know exactly where she works.

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