Baby staying away two nights a week

(82 Posts)
blushingmare Sat 10-Nov-12 21:21:16

Id really appreciate people's opinions on this as I'm in two minds.

DD is currently 5mo and my PFB. I'm going back to work two days a week when she will be ten and a half months. My parents have offered to look after her for those two days - amazing as I won't have to pay childcare and I know she will have the undivided attention of people who love her as much as I do and share my values and priorities for bringing her up.

BUT - my parents live an hour and a half away. They have proposed that they have her to stay with them, so I would take her down on a Sunday evening and they would bring her back on a Tuesday. I'm really not sure about this. I don't know if I could bear to be away from her for two nights every week and I don't know how she will cope with it either. It will be enough of a wrench being parted during the day, let alone at night and she's bound to find it very confusing at that age surely? Also practically speaking I don't know how it would work with feeding. She is EBF and I know she'll be on solids by then, but she will still need milk and I really would rather not give her formula at that stage and want to keep on BF on my non working days. It wouldn't surprise me at all if she still wasn't sleeping through the night by then and I hate the thought of her waking up upset and me not being there for her.

As she's my first I don't know how I'll feel by then and how different she will be then - at the moment she is so dependent on me it's hard to imagine it being different. So I'd appreciate others' thoughts on it, particularly if you've been in a similar position.

Bonsoir Sat 10-Nov-12 21:47:49

Gosh, it sounds like a great idea to me. Your DD will be fine.

NatashaBee Sat 10-Nov-12 21:48:03

This just doesn't sound workable to me, at all. Can they come and stay with you instead?

No no no.

Won't work due to age (seperation anxiety), ebf, and you will be miserable missing your 10 month old baby 2 days a week. Just no.

sleepyhead Sat 10-Nov-12 21:48:11

If you do end up doing this then I'd take her to your parents on a Sunday, both of you stay over, you commute to work on the Monday am, she stays Monday night and then your parents bring her back on Tuesday pm.

That way you only miss one night. Still tough, but I've got a friend whose dd stayed over with her grandparents one night a week from about that age (for similar reasons) and it was fine.

Bilbobagginstummy Sat 10-Nov-12 21:48:35

That doesn't sound sustainable for your parents either. It's a lot of travelling for them - and every week? Have they really thought this through?

Think you're going to have to find another option.

EdgarAllanPond Sat 10-Nov-12 21:49:49

at ten months it wil be very different, though i still wouldn't want them away overnight.

if that arrangement made life possible after 1 year, a bit different - maybe rethink jus tthose first two months?

IME separation anxiety at 10 mo is because I went back to work then every time! I didn't feel guilty though - needs must etc. baby is in good hands.

CagneyNLacey Sat 10-Nov-12 21:49:54

No, not pfb. I wouldnt be able to do this. DD is 23 months and DS is 7 months and as much as I am dreading going back to work and sorting childcare, as much as I am totally knackered and could do with a night to myself to actually have a decent sleep, no. I dont really think it's natural tbh. Go with your instincts.

MrsDeVere Sat 10-Nov-12 21:50:49

Personally I would not have liked to have done it with any of mine.

BUT it is common practice around the world. Needs must in many families.

I am sure, if done right, it does not harm the child. If they are well cared for and feel loved and secure it will be ok.

It really depends on a/do you want to? b/do you have to?

SarryB Sat 10-Nov-12 21:52:08

Am I the only one who thinks this is ok? I would be happy to leave my 10 month old with my parents.

I think the issue is really the EBF - because if you want to continue BF, I don't think that would work if you didn't see her for two whole days a week.

Can't your parents stay at yours?

Tryharder Sat 10-Nov-12 21:54:21

Ok. You are looking at this as your DD is now I.e young baby, exclusively breastfed etc and unsurprisingly, you cannot bear the idea. But at the age of 10 months, your DD will be a different baby completely, much more independent, eating solids, maybe even walking and almost certainly crawling.

I really wouldn't write this off. I would rather my DD was in the care of grandparents than paid minders.

I think Sleepyhead has a good idea.

EdgarAllanPond Sat 10-Nov-12 21:54:50

i think it unlikely child would still be EBF at 10mo anyway

but i think most people don't like their babies away overnight

I think it is ok but that isn't the same as wanting to do it IYSWIM.

grandparent care i have found to be really good, and gives great continuity. it is a weighing-up of that benefit vs the inconvenience.

BraaaaaainsButterfield Sat 10-Nov-12 21:54:50

I would have been happy to leave DS with my parents; their care of him would not be an issue. But I would not have wanted to be away from him for two days every week unless I had to. I would hate it.

Bluestocking Sat 10-Nov-12 21:55:22

I am sure your parents have the best of intentions, but this sounds to me like a disaster in the making. I went back to work when DS was 13 months old and still BF, and I used to love picking him up at the end of the working day for a big cuddle and a breastfeed, and I was also still feeding during the night. Yes, it was a bit tiring, but DS was the happiest, most securely attached child imaginable, even though I was at work for four full days each week. I know childcare is expensive, but I think you would be far better off finding a childminder or nursery you are happy with, near your home.

littlestressy Sat 10-Nov-12 21:56:28

Is there anyway that your parents (or even just your mum or dad) could stay with you for two nights?
I'm in sort of a similar situation: my DS goes to nursery all day on a Monday and Tuesday morning. My mum picks him up from nursery on a Tuesday afternoon and brings him back to my house, she looks after him from here and stays Tuesday night and looks after him all day Wednesday. My parents live 1 hour away.
When I started back at work my son was 9mo and I was still breastfeeding (I still am at 11mo grin ) there is no way I could have gone 1 night, let alone 2 without feeding him!! Plus his separation anxiety kicked in at about 9/10 months so it was really important for me to go home to him and reassure him.
Can your parents stay with you at all? Or, find a nursery/child minder for your days at work.

CouthyMowEatingBraiiiiinz Sat 10-Nov-12 21:56:37

Courts don't even give overnights to an ex partner with an ebf baby under 1yo. Too long, too far IMO.

RyleDup Sat 10-Nov-12 21:58:37

Not sure really. I would completely trust my parents and I'm sure it would give your child a wonderful opportunity to know her grandparents. I'm sure she would be fine. Its whether you can deal with it really. I'm sure my anxiety levels would be through the roof purely from missing dc.

NellyBluth Sat 10-Nov-12 22:00:34

Sarry, I know what you are saying, I would be - and am - happy to leave my 10mo with my parents, they are having her next week for 3 nights simply because they are off work and we thought, well, why the hell not? They get to have fun, and DP and I get a wee bit of a break. I also genuinely think that separation anxiety isn't always that bad and that babies can be happy with quite a few people (as in, my DD is happy with me, DP, my parents and her CM) and not feel a huge loss of a parent when another close care giver is around.

Personally, though, I would feel that the regularity of separation at a young age, with throwing return to work in to the mix, might be a bit too much for the OP. I suspect it might end up being far more upsetting for the OP than for her DD.

RyleDup Sat 10-Nov-12 22:01:29

My 5 yr old dd had her first sleep over a few weeks ago and I was pacing the house with anxiety. A little OTT I know. Goodness knows what I will be like when dc finally leave hone.

RyleDup Sat 10-Nov-12 22:01:44

*home

I can't see this working as per the original suggestion, but have you considered staying with your parents as well? If they've the room to out you as your baby up that could be a solution.

ivykaty44 Sat 10-Nov-12 22:04:30

I probably feel it is ok as my dd used to go to my dad one night a week from 9 months when I went back to work.

dd1 went to school in the morning and grandad picked up and I had just dropped dd2 with him at 3pm - I worked two shifts back to back to get 16 hours of work in and finished at 3pm the following day, I did one other half shift.

I did this for 18 months, For me though it was a full 24 hours and I was back and most of that time dd2 was asleep and I had worked 16-18 hours of my 20 hour working week.

SarryB Sat 10-Nov-12 22:04:55

Nelly you maketh a good point. If the OP is going to find it stressful, this will rub off on the baby.

How about for the first couple of months, the parents stay at yours, and once baby reaches a year, you could try at theirs instead.

Sparklyboots Sat 10-Nov-12 22:10:30

I remember reading that the maximum nights away that a child could cope (w/o having to 'detatch' for their own psychological protection) was equal to the years they are old. It was on MN, a long while back.

I couldn't do what your parents are suggesting for the reasons you ouyline in any case. My DS was not eating enough solid food at 10mo for it to be okay, and the introduction in the pattern of formula would affect your supply (I would strongly suspect - no expert).

For context, I returned to work when DS was 19mo and he upped his night feeds on days when I worked - partially for food but probably mainly for comfort/ reconnection.

I think whatever the 'truth' of how it would work out for your baby, you should honour your instincts as a parent. True, you can sometimes go wrong in this, but feedback from those around you/ those affected usually will let you know when you've got it a bit wrong. But on the whole, trust yourself, would be my advice.

Sparklyboots Sat 10-Nov-12 22:11:57

"and the introduction in the pattern of formula would affect your supply" - and the introduction of formula in the pattern you describe would affect your supply. (sorry)

DontmindifIdo Sat 10-Nov-12 22:13:16

Op - your DD would probably be fine, but you wouldn't be - you wil lhave to have stopped breastfeeding long before this. You would have to deal with the separation. You will have to teach your DD to settle without you, teach your DD that mummy won't be there every night.

I wouldn't do it, some people are comfortable to leaving their DCs with others from a young age, but you don't sound like that. If you're not, it's hell being away from them overnight.

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