Another baby or not?

(41 Posts)
forcedinsomnia Wed 31-Oct-12 12:17:02

I'm struggling to make a decision. Probably one of the biggest decisions of my life to be fair. Should we have another baby or not? I've got one DS (15mo) who is adorable and we love him greatly. He has only just got into the sleeping thing (hence the name!!) in the last few months and even still has the odd wobble when ill/new tooth etc. To be expected and I'm happy with that.
My problem is that I'm not sure I want to go through the baby bit again. I didn't really enjoy it that much and I'm not sure I want to go back to sleepless nights. I do not function well at all on little/no sleep.
My DH wants another child and isn't concerned when - just so long as we have one.
If I could give birth to a toddler I would do it tomorrow....except for the size factor!!! If we could gaurantee it was a girl i'd deffinatley consider having one tomorrow! If we could gaurantee that DC2 would sleep a little in the first year i'd have one tomorrow! But my fear is that we would have another boy (not so bad) who didn't sleep (bad!!).
Also both me and DH work full time so childcare would be an issue - unless we waited until DS started school - but then would the age gap be too big? And would I get so fed up of seeing car seats/prams/clothes/toys which we have saved just in case we have any more around the house that I go bonkers?
I don't want my DS to be any only child either though....but I'm struggling to see a way to make a logical decision which is going to be best for everyone.
Any thoughts? Anyone else been in my predicament? Any words of wisdom? smile

Mathsdidi Wed 31-Oct-12 12:20:33

Could you think about it for a year and reassess? Do you have to make a decision right now?

Put all baby equipment in the loft for when you make you decision. Any age gap is fine if it works for your family.

I am in your boat. I found the first six months very hard, and at 11mo dd is now just sleeping through. I was routine-based with her, and she formula fed, which meant dh could step in at any point. This saved my sanity.

He wants another, im indifferent. We have concluded that we will TTC once dd starts preschool at 3.5. This means that any future dcs will be born once she is in full time school at 4/5. I was a little concerned about the age gap, but there is seven years between me and my dsis and I can't think of any megatives about it when I look back on my own childhood.

Lots of people say to me "get them.both out of the way together" but two lots of nappies and two lots of bottles and two lots of night wakings would kill me. I work.full time too, and my DM is a CM and minds dd when we are both at work (I do shiftwork so works out at 2.5 days with her), and I force.money onto her as it is her job, so I would feel guilty asking her to mind two of my dcs at the same time and twice the cost would cripple us.

At the end of the day, you can only do what is best for your little family, and if having a five year plus age gap is best, then dont think.on it. The only concern would be age. Im 27, dd nearly one, so will be 30/31 when I next ttc which for many is when they start ttc their first.

Bigbouncingbaby Wed 31-Oct-12 12:28:29

I'm the same but my DD was baby from hell ...again if u could give me a toddler I would tomorrow. I dread the baby stage and my partner was terrible. Everyone around me can't wait the start the 2nd! As your DS is 15m you have time I guess.... But he longer you leave it hey!

Everyone tells u second one totally different but what if they are not like u say and u get another bad sleeper. The answer is there is never a best time I guess. But I really feel for u .

forcedinsomnia Wed 31-Oct-12 12:39:45

It's tricky situation as I am now nearly 35 and my cut off is deffinitley 40. I am looking to change career in Nov 2014 and the job I currently do offers a really good maternity package....but to benefit from the maternity package you have to return to work for a minimum of 12 months (childcare costs!). I'm going to have to make a list of pros and cons for each situation and do some serious sums. I really am pulling my hair out. It's good to know I'm not the only person who didn't thrive on the baby phase!!! The whole sitting feeding for hours on end with no sleep watching the washing/cleaning pile up around me isn't my idea of fun really.
Decisions Decisions?!?!

Mathsdidi Wed 31-Oct-12 12:42:30

Would you like me to step in and do the baby stage for you (I love that bit) and you can have the toddler back (toddlers whinge too much, unless that's just dd2)? I desparately want another baby but dp won't agree to it sad

Bigbouncingbaby Wed 31-Oct-12 12:46:25

Nope maths my DD is a big whinger to but I breeze through it compared to baby stage! U can stap in any day

forcedinsomnia Wed 31-Oct-12 12:56:45

I actually tried to talk my sister into being my live in au pair!! Ha. She said yes....then moved to the Falklands!! How rude!

emmyloo2 Wed 31-Oct-12 12:57:04

I was in the same situation as you. I have a DS who is almost 2 and I was adamant I didn't want another or at least wanted a 4 year age gap. Now DS is almost 2 he sleeps well and is so much easier. I was very nervous about going through the baby stage again. The first 18 months of his life nearly killed me. I also work FT and don't cope well without sleep. Anyway about 2 months ago DH and I decided we should just get it over and done with before we get too comfortable with life being easier. I literally decided one day and got pregnant the next. Baby 2 is due end of next May. I am terrified to be honest. I am used to putting DS to bed at 7.30 and then having a break and him sleeping for 11 hours straight. I am raeally worried about coping with 2 but I just figure I will do it and I know it will just be the first 12-18 months which will be tough and then it will get easier.plusDS 1 will keep getting easier.

So that's my thought process - really just take a deep breath and get it over and done and hopefully survive.

Good luck with your decision.

ChoccyJules Wed 31-Oct-12 13:00:32

I'm in a similar situation in that I'm busy weighing up the pro's and con's too but my DD is 4 so it's not quite the same question for me. I'm worried about the age gap but also would like DD to have a sibling. DH is very very keen that DD is not an only child and has a sibling (for when we are gone...).

The problem is that I am 41. The gap has come about as I got cancer when DD was 8 months. This month I was told everything is fine accordinging to oncology and I can start to think about family stuff again. Yay! But am old...and the first birth was horrendous (have had counselling) and has left me with physical damage meaning any future birth would be a Section. This part I like as it is planned and there's no labour uncertainties...but am not keen on being less than mobile to care for a baby. This is one of the things which led to my severe PND (I had a catheter in for 16 days due to cock-ups on the maternity ward) as I couldn't care as I wanted to for DD.

Then the age thing. Whole new list of worries.

And OP, I' m sorry I've banged on about my situation so much. In answer to your musings, I would say that you have time to make the decision so as others have said, don't worry if you'd rather wait awhile. For me the cluckiness is only just just starting to come back and I wouldn't have 'planned' (haha) a 5year age gap but if we go for it I know it'll be fab and DD would adore a sibling even if she couldn't exactly play with it. Your gap is still relatively small.

ChoccyJules Wed 31-Oct-12 13:06:04

I see I didn't address OP's thoughts about getting baby stuff over with. As emmyloo says some people do want to do this, I know other friends who are fine to keep living in babyland for several years.

I think it's an individual choice. As I didn't have the choice I really don't care (apart from having got settled back in at work) but if I was deciding I may well go down the 'get it over with' route.

forcedinsomnia Thu 01-Nov-12 11:55:14

I spoke to DH last night and he would prefer to have another sooner rather than later. But if I'm not ready then I guess he will just have to wait! Unless he would like to carry it in his womb!?!? Oh no wait a minute.....wink

Metalhead Thu 01-Nov-12 13:36:33

Another one here in the same boat as you OP. My DD is 2.5 and I'm definitely not ready for another baby. I hated the first year even though she wasn't a really difficult baby, and I just cannot cope well with lack of sleep! Which makes me terrified of doing it again and getting a really bad sleeper second time round...

Seeing friends' new babies does make me feel a bit broody, so I guess we will have another eventually, but I've decided not to think about it seriously until DD is at least 3 and therefore would be at school or just about to start when No 2 arrives.I just know I could not survive two kids together all the time!

gobbymare Thu 01-Nov-12 13:55:58

I don`t think a big age gap is such a big worry, I have 2 children aged 15 and 11 and my DP has 1 aged 7, next year we are planning our first child together.

I had my children quite young and never expected to want any more, but find myself worrying about my age and the fact that if I left it much longer I wouldn`t be able to have a baby with my DP.

I think I might have forgotton just how hard babies are, as back then I was young and was used to little sleep, but my broodyness is terrible tho and has been for the last 4 years, so i think I have thought hard enough.

I also think that having this baby will tie all our children together and make us a "proper" family because all "our" children will be related.

I am kinda scared to start all over again as my daughter will be 17, eek i sound so olddddd !!

I may live to regret it tho when I am covered in baby sick and with more bags under my eyes than my sainsbury`s local hmm.

forcedinsomnia Thu 01-Nov-12 14:11:17

I'm scared and think I am talking to myself into the idea of waiting till ds starts school before having another. But who knows. My best frined just had her second....he 1st is nearly 3. She loves the baby phase and was really looking forward to having another....now she is zombified and says she 'can't cope!'. Which she can. She is brill. So I may suprise myself.

mycatlikestwiglets Thu 01-Nov-12 14:15:14

I'm in a similar position - didn't enjoy being pregnant, found the first 6 months in particular very difficult (DS had vomiting reflux so I was constantly covered in sick), and am now enjoying being back at work and re-establishing my identity. Plus, DS is 22mo and absolutely delightful, so I'm not sure I want to share him (or for him to have to share me) just yet.

Having said that, I've always wanted another child and I'm increasingly feeling like now (or soon) is the right time to TTC - a lot of my friends are expecting no. 2, which is making me broody, and I sort of feel as though there's no point in getting fully established at work only to go on maternity leave again, so there's something to be said for doing it sooner rather than later. I also struggle without much sleep and I guess I feel I'm better equipped to cope with that while I'm still youngish (33). I think I'd quite like to get my family sorted so that I feel able to concentrate fully on other things once I've given up having children!

IWillOnlyEatBeans Thu 01-Nov-12 15:05:29

I couldn't bear the thought of having another baby when DS was 15 months - he was still a baby himself! I assumed I would always feel that way.

DS is now 2.8 and I am 32 weeks pregnant with no2! He literally got past his 2nd birthday and I though 'ahh, I really want to have another child' - and was pregnant a few days later! smile

I'd also rather skip the newborn and baby stage and give birth to an 18-month-old...but I have proved to myslef that I can do it. I am better prepared this time round, I know what to expect and how difficult it will be. DS is just starting to entertain himself a bit more, he is potty trained and generally gorgeous. He'll be 2.10 when the baby arrives and although sometimes I wish I had got the baby bit out of the way sooner, I know that in reality I could not have coped, whereas now I think we have a fighting chance.

Good luck making your decision smile

theborrower Thu 01-Nov-12 22:13:17

I don't know if I can help, because I think the same thing sometimes, except it's not so much a decision at the moment because we are stuck in a one-bed flat and have absolutely no space for a second child (DD is 2 and a bit) until we are able to move.

That said, I think several years age gap, if we do have another, will be right for us as I can't see how we will able to afford two kids in private nursery. So financial matters will make the decision for us.

I always thought that we were going to have two, but I have to admit that I have my doubts sometimes because I stress about money, and I didn't enjoy the newborn months at all (breastfeeding problems, DD had health problems etc). It's also nice to have that behind us!

sweetiepie1979 Thu 01-Nov-12 22:32:09

Do it! These are your baby making years

Pyrrah Thu 01-Nov-12 23:01:28

Same position - only DD is 3.5, I'm 40, DH doesn't want another, hideous pregnancy and very nearly died after the birth, DD is monster child - never slept, boob-obsessed, stopped napping at 6 months, ultra-wilful etc...

She started STTN about 2 months ago and we hope to move her out of our bed over the next few months.

If I could just wake up in a few years and find a perfectly parented small person (not sociopathic toddler) standing there calling me mummy I would be very happy!

We're making a final decision in Spring 2015. I have a sister who is 20 months younger than me - she moved to Australia 2 years ago and we still haven't got round to emailing or Skyping. She spent most of our childhood resenting that she couldn't win the position of eldest. I spent much of it wishing I was an only child!

I also have a brother who is 5 years younger and we are very close, and a sister 14 years younger who is more like a niece. So, I wouldn't ever want less than a 5 year gap.

Fuzzymum1 Sun 04-Nov-12 09:28:17

My first didn't sleep at all and it was hell until he was two. When DS2 arrived he slept way better from day 1. By 8 weeks he was sleeping 12 hours straight at night with no wake ups.

As for age gaps - we have 4 years between DS1 and DS2 and 9 years between DS2 and DS3 - it worked for us, I knew I couldn't cope with two very little ones at the same time. DS3 and DS1 have an amazing relationship, more like uncle/nephew than brothers but it's a great bond.

housesalehelp Sun 04-Nov-12 14:49:01

when my DS was 15 months we no way would have wanted another baby - we felt diferently once he was over 2 - in the end we had a 4 year gap - it worked well - he was at preschool when baby was new - and so I had some time with just one child- and then started school while I was on maternity leave -DCs love each other and play together a fair bit- in general 2nd time around the baby stage is easier -my observation from my friends as well as my expereince - the things you learn about babies you can apply much quicker and you stress less

forcedinsomnia Sun 04-Nov-12 20:23:02

I'm loving all the responses and hearing all your experiences too. People say the second is easier but I can't see how it can be?? I'm thinking we'll deffo have another.....just need to decide when. Think the money (childcare costs) will dictate for us too, so when ds1 starts scholl. But that means I'm going to have to lose the rest of my baby weight!! Can't leave it another few years. ;-(

forcedinsomnia Sun 04-Nov-12 20:23:18

school

Nevercan Sun 04-Nov-12 20:33:42

I have a 1 yr old and 3 yr old and I am pleased to be getting all the broken nights out the way in one go imo. I didn't want to wait too long due to my age and hopefully it will pay off in the long term and they will play nicely together lol grin

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