Fantastic 40+ Mums

(1000 Posts)
Hpbp Wed 10-Oct-12 19:57:03

Mum of 2, DS1 nearly 4yo and DD2 almost 11 weeks. I hope to find here advices from experienced mums so that I can avoid mistakes... I made some with DS1 and my life sometimes is hell, it is hard to unlearn wrong behaviour, so hard.
At the time being, DD2 is a very sweet baby, she is easy to decipher, cries are always related to some kind of discomfort and I managed to learn what they mean, or almost. Only one issue with her ATM is that she rejects bottle feeding even with expressed milk. I'd like to be able to escape a bit from the house to get a haircut or a facial. And I am sure DH would like to feed her sometimes too.
I struggle a bit more with DS1, who is usually a good boy, energetic, happy and loving. But after school, getting him to take his bath is a battle and falling and staying asleep all night are big issues. The problems did exist before but now with the recent arrival of his sister, the intensity has increased. Or maybe they are the same but to me they seem bigger and need to be addressed quickly so that I can look after both without raising my voice.
All advice are welcome. I need help here.

Also I'd like to invite all the graduates from the Fantastic 40+ Mums to be thread to join. You have been truly fantastic and so supportive during my pg. I hope to be able to keep on sharing with you this wonderful parenting adventure.

10000Fireflies Fri 12-Oct-12 18:16:13

Hello again. This time feeding and typing <show off>. Whingey knickers moaning a lot so am hopeful he has a long, deep sleep soon!!

I have a Joolz Day - good for rough-ish terrain, and cot biggest avail, plus they can sleep in overnight. Plus have McLaren Quest - perfect for first-floor-flat-lugging post CS and for shopping/public transport, ok from birth, and so lovely and foldy-uppy.

I walked three miles the other day, some with DS in Bjorn. Ached so much afterwards - my poor bones - hip joints and knees. Feel so old! (Am 43 btw). Feel pram = part baby carrier, part mummy zimmer frame.

Have a nice Friday eve all. FF

bytheseaside Fri 12-Oct-12 18:42:16

I was a 1st time mum sucker I think! I ordered a baby jogger versa with gt wheels, which doesnt get delivered for 2 more weeks - in retrospect perhaps not the best plan when your baby arrives very early ... the pushchair is 6 months plus, so I got a carrycot, which sits in the chassis instead of the chair, different from other baby joggers i think? I'm hoping it will be fabulous, and have ordered a sling to keep us going . In view of us not having had a bed for baby seaside to come home to, I was grateful for the carrycot...

Fireflies I've been singing a lot today too - seems to be slightly effective for wind / crying (her I mean) I had no idea it was friday - my days have all blurred into one

... so how else do you ladies deal with wind? Its our major issue!

ps I am 40

amck5700 Fri 12-Oct-12 18:57:24

A tip for the bottle feeding given to me by an elderly midwife after trying unsuccessfully to get my son to take a bottle for 4 months so I could get back to work......buy the cheap latex (the old brown ones) teats from the chemist rather than the harder clear type. Worked a dream smile This was after I'd tried all the fancy bottles and teats, using expressed milk, being out and leaving my husband to feed, having my husband wear my t shirt (!!) ....Good luck with that!!

Hpbp Fri 12-Oct-12 21:09:02

update

Zombtee, 43, DS 3yo
Catdoctor, 44, DS 2yo
10000Fireflies, 43, DS, 21 June 2012, EMCS
Goatbongosanonymous, 43, DS Kid, 18 July 2012, EMCS
Lucylookout, 41, DS1 5yo, DS2 12 weeks
Hpbp, 41, DS1 almost 4yo, DD2 Anastasia, 29 July 2012, VB
bytheseaside, 40, DD1, 25th/26th September 2012 name TBC, EMCS
Fjordmor 41, DD1, 3rd October 2012, EMCS
Littleredmonkey 43, DS1 Dylan, 4th October 2012, EMCS

AMCK, thanks for the tip, will try that. I also tried what you mentioned, expressed milk, leaving the room... none of that worked. I resigned myself, the haircut, facial and window shopping will have to wait !

Seaside, re Wind, I guess you have tried holding your daughter on your shoulder and patting the back gently, you can also massage the left side, her stomach while you hold her upright on your shoulder. You can also sit her on your left lap, with her chin resting on your right forearm. Or lay her on a flat surface, make her cycle, pushing gently on her legs, or circling and then lift her up to your shoulder. Or hold her face down on your right forearm, your right hand can massage her tummy, your left arm holds her neck, her head can be without support, hanging down a bit. Finally, I recommend osteopathy, it worked really well for Anastasia.
How come you can't decide on a cot ? or is it just timing because she was early ? I had DS1 in a carrycot suitable for overnight sleep for 3 days while waiting for the cot to be delivered. I sold it when DS1 was 22 months due to lack of space. This time, I was given an Ikea cot and bought a brand new mattress from Ikea too.
Still can't decide on the pushchair. I have a Baby Bjorn carrier and a McLaren. But I would like something very comfy for her naps and a big basket.

jollster Sat 13-Oct-12 09:37:32

hello... <waves>

I was a regular on the 40+ttc for feckin' ages, as it took 2.5 years and 5MCs along the way to get DS2 who is now 3 weeks old and snoozing next to me, whilst DS1 (4y4m) watches the info disc of Finding Nemo for what must be the 100th time.

I'm 44 though after a tough night last night I feel 74...

So heartening to see so many 40+ success stories.

Zombtee, 43, DS 3yo
Catdoctor, 44, DS 2yo
10000Fireflies, 43, DS, 21 June 2012, EMCS
Goatbongosanonymous, 43, DS Kid, 18 July 2012, EMCS
Lucylookout, 41, DS1 5yo, DS2 12 weeks
Hpbp, 41, DS1 almost 4yo, DD2 Anastasia, 29 July 2012, VB
bytheseaside, 40, DD1, 25th/26th September 2012 name TBC, EMCS
Fjordmor 41, DD1, 3rd October 2012, EMCS
Littleredmonkey 43, DS1 Dylan, 4th October 2012, EMCS
Jollster 44, DS1 4 (EMCS at 37w), DS2 3 weeks (ELCS - though 2 weeks earlier than planned)

Hello jollster
I sympathise with the 74 yr old feeling! There is nothing like a little sleep deprivation to cheer us up. smile what did we do before the Internet?...

Had a lovely lazy afternoon with a walk in the park and enough coffee walnut cake to sink a small battalion. Kid has become fascinated with people eating -it is like having a cat watch you!

Hope everyone is having a lovely weekend.

GemmaCatherine Sat 13-Oct-12 23:39:58

Oh hello ... single, pregnant 41 year old due in March 2013 here smile

10000Fireflies Sun 14-Oct-12 04:57:49

Morning all. Suffering uncharacteristic insomnia here. Going to feel horrible all day Sunday. sad DS happily and snuggly sleeping away with DH. I am hoping that industrial quantities of Dairy Milk and water will send me on my way back to sleep again. Quite funny being up at same time as cat doing his night wanderings. Security lights keep going off all over the place in the garden.

I know BF babies with teeth are not supposed to bite, but found the razor sharp tooth edge scraping my nip just enough to wake me up!

At parents house, cat and Dad sitting. 'Delighted' to note that back door left unlocked again... There's no lock on the side gate either...

Hi GemmaC. See you have found the 40+ preggos list. Congrats and good luck. You are very brave doing it alone, however, I would recommend anyone our age who wants children to get on with it, even if single. To a certain extent doing it solo has massive advantages. My DH only had one day at home with me before going back to work - I had an EMCS - and I was petrified, but a gorgeous and wise MW told me while I was in hospital recovering that I'd probably find it easier being on my own. And OMG, she was so right.... Well, took DH quite a while to adjust to parenthood and he had some bizarre ishoos regarding surgery and CS. (ie argued with consultant that I hadn't had major abdominal surgery... shock!!)

Catdoctor I know what you mean about needing people who remember Scott and Charlene. I try very hard not to refer to things which give my age away when I'm with my new baby friends, but find it difficult. My pet hate is hearing the youngsters complaining about all the lovely rellies they have that are mucking in and helping them with their PFB (not that mine isn't precious!!) I would do anything to have an interfering, well and able 50 year old MIL to give me a hand. Their grandparents are younger than my folks. I think some of their parents are younger than DH...!!!!

While I am at my parents, in the semi-rural area where I grew up, while I am here for the next couple of weeks, I have decided to brave attending a local mother-and-baby class. Was v apprehensive as I am quite sure I am mixing with the kids of people I was at school with.

Hi Jolls. Nice to see you on here. Our paths kept crossing on the TTC and preggo threads.

Nice to see what ZombTee said about becoming friends and meeting up. I think i droppped in and looked at Forty Towers from time to time and looked on in wonderment at the thought of becoming Mum in my 40s.

Funnily enough have heard one way or another about two school friends who've only recently become Mums too. Makes me feel a bit less special! Been enjoying all the attention from parent's friends since LO arrived - they've all been getting so excited that their friends' DD has managed to produce a healthy child at the grand old age of 42, when so many of them have grown up grandchildren. They've been lovely and supportive actually which is great.

Oh gawd. Now DFather is up along with me and cat!! Just DH and DS to go and we'll all be gathered round the kitchen table! Enough of my stream of consciousness. Off to bed before I wake up even more. Been semi-awake since 2:30am and I am crap with no sleep. I could only stay out raving until 2am when I went clubbing as was so rubbish the next day if I didn't get enough sleep.

Enough!! Catch you all soon. FF xx

bytheseaside Sun 14-Oct-12 08:12:41

hi jollster and gemma smile
well we've all just had a mammoth nappy change in which we got through 4 nappies , a ton of cotton wool, tissues, etc after some cunning projectile weeing from baby seaside ( who knew girls were so good at that?) me and dp completely incompetent in face of such skill!
dp just made me tea, and as soon as this feed is over im going to munch through packet of biscuits and go back to sleep...

TheNoodles Sun 14-Oct-12 13:05:41

Quick name update from GemmaCatherine folks, sorry for any confusion.

Thanks 10000Fireflies, that makes me feel better. Hey seaside how old is your little one?

Hpbp Sun 14-Oct-12 15:18:51

Welcome Jollster and Noodles.
FF, sleepless nights are our lot for a few months, I guess. I can't nap during daytime. So I don't know how but I manage to cope with broken nights.
I can't believe your LO has his frst tooth already. DS1 had his first when he reached 13 months ! How does it feel to be in contact with old acquaintances again ?
Seaside, massive poo, hey ! Yeah ! Anastasia used to keep on releasing her intestinal content while I was changing her, so sometimes I would used 2 or 3 nappes for one change.... Now I just let her finish instead of rushing, even if it means she woud stay 10 minutes more in her poo. Yuk !
Meeting a shrink tomorrow. Is it PND or just guilt and guilt and guilt ? I find it very difficult to look after 2 kids on my own, although DH is around on week ends and Mum helps a lot cooking.... But still crying over my incompetence, bouh !

bytheseaside Sun 14-Oct-12 17:00:37

noodles baby is 3 weeks today! although as she arrived so early still minus 3 weeks in gestation time

fireflies your 'dadsitting' made me laugh, we'd never say that about our mums, would we? I used to be an insomniac, but since this little one arrived I sleep so deeply when I get half a chance, the sign of a bad mum I think. DP hears her wake before I do every time. I feel relieved that several of my old friends have had kids around my age.but i felt like the oldest mum in hospital by far, though - loads of annoying teenagers on the ward playing their music too loudly, with me telling them off ...

hpbp you are absolutely not incompetent!!! What we are doing is hard, if amazing, and sleep deprivation is a form of torture, so you are also coping with that. I should take my own advice as I also spend a lot of time crying with guilt, about her coming early, about me not being able to be with her all the time in nicu, about failing to have enough clean vests or a tidy house etc etc etc - hope shrink helps. What kind?

Ive just sent dp out for a MacDs, hate them usually, but really need the carbs today. I'm soooo hungry

bytheseaside Sun 14-Oct-12 18:24:13

ps hpbp thanks for winding tips, will give some of those new ones a go

firstbubba Sun 14-Oct-12 21:11:43

Marking my place DS born 2/10

Hello everyone, lots to read here! Sorry if my overtired sleep deprived brain can't let me reply to everyone's lovely posts. Kid currently feeding and shortly I will have to finish the marking that is due tomorrow... Yes, I am on maternity leave!

ff that's really not fair for you is it, insomnia AND feeding?! And yes to feeling like the granny of any mother/baby group. One I went to everyone seemed half my age (oh dear that's probably literal!) but I went along to the neighbouring borough where there is a nice range of ages. It seems so odd in a way that my line manager at work, who is three years older than I am, has two children at university!

hpbp you're not incompetent... I so admire anyone with two LOs. It's so relentless. I hope the dr helps.

There seem to be a few prems on this thread... How is everyone going? Kid was born at 31+4 and spent 4 weeks in the neonatal unit. He is doing pretty well, although feeding is up and down a bit, and he won't be put down - I wear a sling during the day and he sleeps on me at night. And of course has a well-developed cuteness reflex! Our paed checkup is on Tuesday.

Ah, Scott and Charlene... Neighbours has never been the same!

bytheseaside Mon 15-Oct-12 20:02:45

Hi hows everyone doing today? Had my daily meltdown earlier, ate bag of maltesers, now tucked up in bed snuggling with baby seaside and the world seems better.

goat 4 weeks in neonatal sounds tough - we had 2 and half weeks and it almost finished me! how did you manage? and please tell me how you do the baby sleeping on you at night thing - can you sleep too? good luck with appointment. another question - how soon did you feel ready to take kid out? I feel I want to keep the baby wrapped up in the warm, but I'm going to go stir crazy if I don't go out soon!! But she's still so tiny and has no fat reserves to keep her warm now its getting chilly.

seaside sorry to hear about the meltdown , I guess we all know what those are like. Mine are more middle of the night now, but getting fewer and further between!

The time in NNU wasn't too bad until discharge, which was absolutely horrendous, when I roomed in for the 48 hours. Until then the nurses were so brilliant with Kid. I think him wanting to be on me all the time is probably making up for those lost weeks ( when he should have been with me 24/7 anyway) - I am thinking of renaming him Koala! Yes I can sleep with him on me. I just use his shawl as a kind of sling.
Re getting out of the huse, we kind of had the opposite problem as it was very very hot when he came home as well as very bright. We waited a couple of weeks but then started taking him for short walks in the local park. Put him off to sleep every time! Didn't take him into central London until after his first lot of jabs. Now I use the sling a lot (a moby, he loves it), which keeps him beautifully toasty - Kid too is a skinny malinki, being 91st percentile for length and 0.4 for weight! Most clothes just look silly on him...

Hpbp Tue 16-Oct-12 20:14:37

Oh Seaside, I am so sorry you feel sad. I cry 2 or 3 times a day. At silly things. Sleep deprivation, exhaustion are the major pb. Well, I hope so. But I decided to see someone to help me find out. I had my first appointment yesterday and left with 2 questions I need to think about before the next meeting: where is home, Paris or London ? And why am I so unconfident ? She also suggested that I try to stop wanting to be the perfect mum. This seems to be a common "disease" among new mums, especially when the second child arrives, because then guilt shows up in the complex equation !

Goat, let us know how the paed appointment on Tue goes. For my first child, born at 39+2, not considered as a prem, I was over anxious, weighing him every week for the first 3 months ! Silly me as he was a healthy 3.3kg tonic newborn who had combined feeding. Strangely enough, for this second baby, I find myself much more relax, EBF but she has been weighed only twice, at 1 month and at 2 months, I can tell that she is putting on weight and enjoying breast milk ! Weighing 3.02 kg at birth, she reached 5.22 kg at 2 months and weight or length wise she is on the 75th percentile. I am almost certain she has gone over 6kg by now as she has been dropping her 11pm and 3am feeds for a week or so.

Hope you get some rest Fireflies.

happydotcom Tue 16-Oct-12 22:46:07

Hello! May I join please!? I'm 38 and ds is 16 mo.
All my mummy mates are at least a decade younger.

So happy I found this thread smile

hpbp I am with you in the weight obsession. Had to give myself a stern talking-to and now we weight every three weeks or so! Also yes to crying at the silly things... As you say, sleep deprivation is a cow and it doesn't take much to arrive at the last straw.

A rather disturbed evening today - Kid just wouldn't settle for hours. DH had him, I had him, we fed/didn't feed, Sang/didn't sing, rocked, sang, patted, ignored... Why are we shattered and he isn't?! Now is asleep on my chest. Looking really quite cute, dammit!

We had the paed appointment today, everything looking okay. We will just be going back every so often to keep an eye on Kid's lungs, because of the pneumothorax he had on his second day of life which reaccumulated a couple of days later. Although the paed was impressed with the volume and dedication of his cry! Mentioned the feeding difficulties, and he seemed to think this is just immaturity and we have to wait. Tested the suck and said it isn't the best he's ever come across! Oh well, slow feeds it is then...

Welcome, happy

Hpbp Wed 17-Oct-12 08:00:16

Happy, welcome ! Of course you can join, you will be one of the youngest !
Goat, do you also have insomnia like FF ? It sounds tough to have a prem but you seem very relaxed. My sister's first child was premature too but he is now a very lively and energetic 10 year old boy. Take your time and keep on using the sling, I was told this is the best thing to do for babies to be confident later in life.

FjordMor Wed 17-Oct-12 22:44:32

Hi everyone,

Zombtee, 43, DS 3yo
Catdoctor, 44, DS 2yo
10000Fireflies, 43, DS, 21 June 2012, EMCS
Goatbongosanonymous, 43, DS Kid, 18 July 2012, EMCS
Lucylookout, 41, DS1 5yo, DS2 12 weeks
Hpbp, 41, DS1 almost 4yo, DD2 Anastasia, 29 July 2012, VB
bytheseaside, 40, DD1, 25th/26th September 2012 name TBC, EMCS
Firstbubba, DS1, 2nd October 2012
Fjordmor 41, DD1, 3rd October 2012, EMCS
Littleredmonkey 43, DS1 Dylan, 4th October 2012, EMCS
Jollster 44, DS1 4 (EMCS at 37w), DS2 3 weeks (ELCS - though 2 weeks earlier than planned)

Finding it very hard to get on and contribute but DD in a rare post-feed sleep and DP has her so I'm speed-reading/typing! Currently we're doing 2 hour long feeds (interspersed with sleeping periods) with around 1 hour in between. A couple of times a day she sleeps for nearly 3 hours but then we pay with a very hungry, tantrumy baby when she wakes up. After lots of help from a LC and the health visitors, I'm just letting her spend a lot of time on the breast/being held by me and hoping she'll find her way. She's only 2 weeks old. We do have some colic issues, although if we religiously take simethicone drops before feeding and she remains calm she's fine. Also my milk supply was erratic but I'm now on syntocin nasal spray (anyone heard of that? I hadn't) which works like a dream (according to the large leaky wet patch in my bed after an hour long post-feed nap shock).

Hpbp, Seaside - with you on the sleep deprivation and crying. I'm having a very hard time coping when DP is at work as I find bf hard to logistically manage alone (huge boobs, c-section scar, inverted nipples and using a breast-shield for all feeds as the only way). Getting her into the right position without 3rd party help is very challenging. I hope that will get easier when she is a little bigger and can control her head. Everyone says it will. Hpbp - I too have questioned PND but I think sleep deprivation is very stressful, and hormones are all over the place. I feel 'normal' when I've managed adequate-ish rest and have help, and super-tearful and despairing when here on my own and I don't know what to do. It's great to have people give one confidence - that often lies at the route of belief in one's coping abilities I think. My LC did that for me - I wish I could have her round several times a week! Thinking of you anyway. I'm there now and for the first time, I kind of get it. x

ff - quite envious at your ability to have baby on your knee AND type! smile. Sorry about the insomnia though!

On the subject of being 40+, for those of you who don't know me from the 40+ mums to be thread, I live in Norway. The average age of baby-having in Norway is somewhere between 20 - 26 and to have your first at my age is almost unheard of. I come from London where we're two-a-penny so this was a bit of a shock as I didn't feel 'too old' for it all (my mum had me at 40...). Luckily for me, there is a big expat community in the city I live in, and most of the expat mums who are just having/have just had babies are in the 35+ age range so I am able to get together with other mums without feeling like grandma.

goatbongos - can you post the link to the late night feeding thread? I'm there most nights and just learning to master one-handed iPhone MN-ing while feeding! I'll also check out the other 40+ thread! Sounds like a great community has grown up out of it! Right, LO has just starting crying on DP's lap and the DSDs (I have 2 - tween/teen) are trying to sleep before school in the next room so that's my 'your MN time is now up' alarm call. Talk later all! smile x

Fjordmor lovely long post! smile
You put me to shame as I am just going to post that link then stagger off to post-feed unconsciousness... I hope.
So feeding link and I look forward to seeing you all over there!

More later when have some brain function back.
Hope that link works...

It worked!!

Hpbp Thu 18-Oct-12 08:14:06

Fjord, nice to hear from you and sorry you are feeling overwhelmed sometimes. You are right, 2 weeks is still very early and keeping her close to you is all she needs. I was told by the shrink I saw on Monday that until 6 months, the more you hold your baby the more confident it becomes later in life. So don't feel guilty if nothing gets done at home, hold her and chores can wait. I know, easier said than done, especially when you have to take care of the 2 eldest... But try to get some rest too.
BF is challenging. It may be natural, it is still a skill new Mums have to learn. I believe that supply can be erratic in the first weeks, so don't focus on it too much, it will be fine as long as your DD goes on the breast. Give it and yourself time. Very glad you have external support on BF. I found the breast pads from Tigex very good, they are comfy, don't leak, and good value for money compared to Avent or Lansinoh, which are good too but twice as expensive. I still can't sleep on the side or on my tummy, too much pressure on breast, it is very uncomfortable. Anastasia has been sleeping through for a week, 7 to 7, but my breasts are still very full in the morning and can leak if I am not careful when taking my shower. I sometimes have to dream feed her otherwise she can sleep until 8.30/9 ish.
Don't worry if you can't post. We will be thinking of you.

Goat, thanks for the link, your brain is not so sleepy in the middle of thenight !

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