Help with 3yr 9 mo old, mornings and evening

[lobsters]

I'm at the end of my tether with DD, I don't know what to do for the best, if I do mornings and evenings it can be a nightmare. She won't do what I ask (get dressed, brush teeth - all with my help), it turns into a battle and negotiation, it's not usual for it to take an hour in the mornings to get everything done. I try negotiating e.g. if you don't brush your teeth by the time I count to 5 there's no telly for the rest of the morning etc. But it doesn;t work, we get to 3, she starts, then gaffs, then whinges, then the cycle starts again. When I try to brush her hair, she just lays down, moves round etc so I can;t do it. She says I hurt (I try not to but there are tangles), but won't let DH do it, who apparently has a magic brush and doesn't hurt. I've tried giving her choices over breakfast (do you want shreddies or toast?) or not giving her choices, but breakfast can still take forever. I've shouted, I've been calm, but nothing works.

I'm sick of the endless negotiations, the fact everything takes so long and can be such a battle, we both end up leaving the house in such a bad mood. She behaves beautifully for DH when he does mornings or evenings, I don't know why I'm getting such different behaviour. My mum and DH just say "just tell her to do it" but that has sod all effect, she just ignores me and or whinges.

I've tried walking away to get myself dressed and she just clings on to my dressing gown, I have been known to just take it off, but then she just hangs on to my leg.

I'm considering reward charts, do morning well for a week and there is a treat, do it badly and there is no telly in the evening for example. Any advice welcome, I don't know what to do

[bamboobutton]

ds was, and still is sometimes, like this when he was that age. i had to do everything by force and ignore the raging screaming or it wouldn't get done.

only now at at 4.8yo is he getting himself dressed, still with me doing it sometimes when he is buggering about.
i still brush his teeth as it could take 20 mins if he was left to it.

not sure what elso to suggest, i'm still shattered from getting 2 kids ready to be out of the door by 8.30 and my brain is frazzled

[Journey]

You stop negotiating over everything. By negotiating over everything you're giving her a lot of control over the situation. Learn to adapt your style. There are times when you can negotiate and other times you need to tell her what she needs to do with no negotiation. Speak in a firm voice for this. At the moment she seems to always have the final say in things.

[lobsters]

Speaking in a firm voice just never seems to gets anywhere. I've tried to just get on with it, like getting her dressed while she wriggles and writhes around, a compete pain. I'm thinking about getting the book "how to talk so kids will listen" to see if that has any bright ideas , anyone know if it is any good?