10 month old Baby/Very sad Mum.

(45 Posts)
IHateBounty Tue 02-Oct-12 14:26:26

(Name Change.)

My Daughter is 10 months old and I feel like I am at the end of my tether with her.
From the moment she wakes up she just whines and moans constantly, even after being changed, fed, played with etc. She's stopped eating her solids, wont nap (instead will scream and scream until she can't hold off any longer) and wont let me change her nappy (a constant wrestling match, I have rang DH in tears in the past due to this).

She has also started getting vicious- scratching, pulling hair etc.

I'm in tears writing this. She's so defiant.
I haven't eaten a thing today due to her being so full on and I just don't know what to do. I know I sound like a terrible Mother, it's breaking my heart to write this.

On top of everything, we are moving house very, very soon and I haven't been able to get a thing done. DH isn't really interested, he works full-time (self-employed) and doesn't bother to reply to my texts on days like these.

Why doesn't she like me? sad

littlepiggie Thu 04-Oct-12 17:26:16

Not read all the posts so sorry if I repeat. Ds was a really difficult baby, suffered from reflux and cried upto 18 hours a day from 2weeks to 6 months, after that although he stared to get better, he was still difficult, + exh (dh at the time) who didn't want to know. Firstly can I just say I did everything the way I thought was right, eg bf co sleeping blw so its not that I didn't care, but I couldn't listen to it, I was starting to question my ability as a mother.
If I was cooking I would put music on with him in bouncy/high chair, give him bowls and spoons, and sing, he either shut up, or it drowned him out, I could see he was fine, then we would eat together, least we both got fed. I would do the same if I wanted a shower, put him on the floor with toys, stair gate closed and upstairs doors shut so he was free to move around safely, or go for a bath together. Point was he was going to cry anyway, so I got on with what I needed to, I just tried to include him. He had grown out of it at 15m when dd was born.
Ps, he's now 6 and lovely, although he has just handcuffed me to the kitchen table??

Craftyone Thu 04-Oct-12 16:59:06

I have a 10 month old DS and they can be a handful (currently refusing solids). Here are a few tips

We wake up early with my partner and 15 mins earlier than he would normally wake. After feeding him I take him downstairs for 15 mins with his father while I take a shower and get dressed ‘in peace’. This has made a huge difference!

I keep a makeup bag, mirror, cardie and deodorant bag downstairs so if I feel like going out I can get ready while he is playing and off we go!

Make a little extra for dinner then heat it up for your lunch the next day.

His pushchair is left upright, near the front door with a changing bag etc in the bottom so it’s easy to get out.

He has his naps at the same time everyday approx three hours after he wakes and four hours after that and i wake him after 1.5 hours.

He sleeps a 10 hour shift 8.30 pm-6.30am not a 12 hour so this means he has 2 good naps at 1.5 hours each during the day leaving me time for myself.

All this keeps me sane!
Keep your head up.

CagneyNLacey Thu 04-Oct-12 08:35:19

Oh yes, a tip i used for nappy change pain in the arse-ness that i read on here is to get stickers and stick one or two on baby's hand to distract them.

QTPie Thu 04-Oct-12 08:34:42

Agreed - you sound very normal. Parenting is a continual process of learning (normally from mistakes). And everyone has crappy days, even crappy weeks....

It is all about putting your best foot forward and doing the best you can. Having a good moan helps to get it off your chest smile

CagneyNLacey Thu 04-Oct-12 08:25:59

Some brilliant advice on here, op, and you round like a lovely person who loves her daughter so don't beat yourself up- most of us are winging it you know.

On a practical level have you got on top of controlling the teething pain? I found that alternating calpol and neurofen, lots of cuddles and using dentinox gel managed it very well. Advised by gp to do this last year and it worked very well.

alto1 Wed 03-Oct-12 21:50:57

Loads of good ideas on this thread.

I second getting out every day, even to push her round the shops, even if you don't need anything - change of scene, different stimuli for her. Sometimes I didn't get out till late afternoon but it was still worth it.

Swimming twice a week - you don't get a swim of course but being in the water relaxes your tense muscles and the business of drying and dressing is more entertainment - they love faffing about.

For nappies, I developed a ritual. I chanted aloud and made a lot of noise and cheered and clapped her at the end. She came to know what to expect and do it with me (still remember the chant and she's nearly 14 - Down with the baby! Off with the nappy! Up with the bum! etc).

For other flashpoints, I kept a special toy - so for example there was a musical tortoise that lived in the car and I only ever gave it to her as I put her in the car seat, so she'd play with it while I strapped her in.

I was inclined to take it all personally, a bit like you're doing, but when you look back on it (which will be quite soon) you realise it wasn't at all, it was just the stage she was at.

HalleLouja Wed 03-Oct-12 21:30:18

You are coming across fine. All sounds pretty normal. I make most of it up as I go along and things tick over (most of the time) but we all have shit times.

Maybe its worth going to see your HV. Mine wasn't great on the whole but she was really lovely to talk to when I suffered from depression / low self esteem.

I

DebbieTitsMcGee Wed 03-Oct-12 21:29:01

I didn't get any impression that you resent her, just that you love her lots and lots and are understandably finding the current situation tough.

Please don't feel sad, you are a great mum! You sound a lot more patient than me smile

IHateBounty Wed 03-Oct-12 21:10:29

Oh gosh, I'm not very good at this am I sad

For what it's worth, she was very much wanted and I love her dearly- I feel terrible about how this has come across.

timetosmile Wed 03-Oct-12 15:26:43

Sounds like there could be a lot of things possibly going on (or a combination of them all....)

I suspect at the back of your mind even if its just sometimes is the forbidden thought that this baby has ruined your life and you wish you hadn't had her?
You really sound at the end of your tether, but as you can see from all the posts, most of us have felt the way you do at some point in our lives. Small babies are hard, hard work and often it feels like a thankless and endless task.

Can I make some suggestions?

Get her checked by a GP - it could be teething, or reflux, or tonsillitis, or any number of common things that its worth getting a checkup for.

Get in touch with your HV to see what's around for parents in your area..or in your new area if you're moving far.

Can you make some time to talk with DH? I know he sounds busy with work and you are both stressed about the move..but just half an hour where you can calmly(!) tell him just how hard things are for you at the memont..and don't expect him to instinctively know what to do to help..I read once that men sometimes respond better to a direct request e.g.Because I am sooo tired of babyminding, it would really help me if you could take DC for half and hour to let me get a cup of tea/ pick up xyz in the supermarket on the way home/be in charge of packing stuff in the living room/bathrooms/wherever. ("you always come home late and don't care how I feel" never seems to get as good a result as a simple and nice request wink)

You are not a bad mum at all, it's hard work and some babies have really difficult phases.

Have a look at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/ which is always very life affirming, and they have a lovely helpline too for some RL chat and sympathy. Also 'the sixty minute mother' Rob Parsons, and 'Babies' by Christopher Green are great morale-boosting books and pretty cheap on eBay

big hugs....at least half of mumsnet have felt like you do today xx

gourd Wed 03-Oct-12 15:06:41

We found sticking to routine wake/bed times helped, or at least, ours started to sleep through night at 6 weeks and is still pretty good about going to bed at 2 years so it seems to worked for us but it may just be luck.. This does mean we have never and still do not go out for meals late in the evenings though. If we do go out (with my parents etc) then it's for lunch or an early (5pm-ish) tea-time meal out at weekends and that's it. We don't mind as neither of us ever liked eating late anyway and we are usually up early due to work. I had to go back to work when LO was 10 months and as we have to be up at 6 on week days, it would be a nightmare if LO didn't go to bed by 7:30 or 8pm every night - I need at least 30 mins afterwards, to get all her kit lunch etc ready for next day so that only leaves 30-60 mins before I go to bed myself! She does sleep till 7 at weekends but we find we are usually awake around 6 as usual anyway, we just let her sleep in as she must need it but then if she has that extra hour in the morning, she often doesn't have a nap that day. I cant help wondering if having different bedtimes is not giving your baby's carcadian rythm a chance to settle so her 'body clock' isn't telling her when it's night time or when it's time to wake up.. Might be worth having a specific wake-up and bed-time that you stick to.

TittyWhistles Wed 03-Oct-12 15:01:02

You poor things, my advice is the same as my Mum gave me. At times like this, forget about everything else. Lay on the floor with your baby and just 'be' with her. Let her climb on you and remember you, Have 5 minutes remembering what the bond between you two feels like, rediscover the enjoyment of each other, fill yourselves up with the little details of each other.

It takes practice to get back the bond, real life gets in the way and she must be picking up on the stresses you're going through. You have to do this every day, make it an activity.
The washing/hoovering/cleaning whatever can wait, she'll never be 10 months old ever again. I am aware that this sounds a bit flaky and honestly I'm the most pragmatic of mothers but it really does work.

gourd Wed 03-Oct-12 14:55:13

OP sounds normal to me, but just stressed and overtired. Agree wholeheartedly about going out - babies often settle in pram/pushchair better than at home anyway so chances are you'll find screaming subsides and she falls asleep in pushchair. Baby may be very overtired and therefore more cranky than usual if she is struggling to get to sleep or to stay asleep due to teething or any other reason. I used to let our LO stay asleep in pushchair after walks - just brought it into the house and wheeled straight into her bedroom (we have no stairs). She'd sleep for an hour or two like that whereas if I lifted her out of the pushchair and put her in her cot she'd wake immediately. Whilst they are still in pushchairs/not walking it's really easy to go out with them and you can go to a nice cafe and have cake (shared with her of course). As long as you don't try to do the weekly shop or try loads of clothes on, you can even do a little "treat" shopping for toiletries or small items and markets are also quite interesting for babies. If you have any friends or neighbours who are retired or are around during the day time, why not visit them? This is also good for baby as well as for you. Park walks and going to playgroup are definitely good and playgroup means you get to meet other parents too which may help you feel less alone and less trapped in the house. It is good for the soul (not just for you but for baby as well) to get fresh air every day so you really must go out every day even if baby is in a bad mood to start with - you will probably find she is better once you are outside anyway

ZuleikaD Wed 03-Oct-12 14:49:16

Yes, if you're not getting her to bed until 10.30pm sometimes I'm not surprised you can't get her into a routine. Not waking up till 11.30 in the morning is VERY unusual.

QTPie Wed 03-Oct-12 14:38:44

Forgot to say, that going on walks - when DS was really small - was how I would get him to sleep: really worked and the miles that I walked did me no end of good too!

Eventually realised (6 months) that pushing him up and down in the pushchair in he conservatory (uneven tiled floor), with something covering him to keep him dark, also worked (push backwards and forwards a few minutes, he would fall asleep, I could leave him). At 14 months I got brave and started settling him in his cot... Should have been braver and done it a lot earlier, but needs must! smile

QTPie Wed 03-Oct-12 14:34:42

Different things suit different people.

If DD doesn't get up until late, then at least you have the morning - would explain why you might have nap problems though and why she doesn't want to go to bed at a reasonable time...

Routines can be liberating in some ways, but obviously restrictive in others... My life always revolved around DS's schedule when He was younger (is now 2 years 8 months and is much more adaptable), but he was very predictable and I knew what I was doing when. We got up at 7am, he napped at 9.15 for 45 minute and again at 1pm for 1 hour 30 minutes and then was in bed asleep for about 8pm. That gave both of our days structure.

QT

IHateBounty Wed 03-Oct-12 14:14:47

Hi all, back from our trip to the park and she's sparko smile

The issue with routine is she seems to wake up quite late. Sometimes she doesn't surface until 11.30am!

I do the whole dinner, bath, bottle, bed, but she takes it as a nap and is awake and ready for playtime after an hour and a half or so. Once she's awake like that there's no getting her back off sad

Also, I've tried really hard with routines so far, but DH likes us to go to his parents twice a week sometimes, and (even though I ask to a lot sooner) we don't leave there before 9pm, sometimes 10 angry

DebbieTitsMcGee Wed 03-Oct-12 14:11:55

Put the buggy up in the room you need to start sorting and strap her in it. She can watch you work and you can chat/sing to her. Give her some water in her bottle or a dummy if she likes them so shes got something calming to help her gums and see if this will buy you an hours relative peace!
I found wonder weeks helpful but my dd was sometimes way ahead or behind...

QTPie Wed 03-Oct-12 14:03:33

I have also been routine focused too and it has worked very well. You have to work to get naps established etc, but it can work very well if you stick with it... Naps keep me sane, even now: give me time to do things or even just out my feet up with a coffee and a magazine ;)

Do you have parks in your town - normally good to head to one of a walk. We used to live in a city and I could always find places to walk: just getting out and getting (relatively) fresh air used to help both of us smile

ZuleikaD Wed 03-Oct-12 13:46:08

At 10 months I would be expecting two naps a day, to be honest. A daily routine something like:
6am wakeup: milk
7.30 breakfast (cereal)
9-9.45 nap
10 am snack (cracker or piece of banana)
11.30 lunch
12-2 nap
3pm snack
5pm supper
6pm milk and bedtime routine.

IHateBounty Wed 03-Oct-12 11:38:26

Wow, I didn't think so many people would reply, thank you all!
I'm usually just a lurker on AIBU so was really scared to post anything, I'm glad I did now smile

She's 40/41 weeks- I see by the Wonder Weeks chart she should be going through an uncomplicated phase! That chart will be really handy so I've bookmarked it, thank you.

I like the sound of the nappy-changing method, I mentioned it to DH last night and he was a bit hmm, but we bought some pull-ups last night, so maybe we'll trial them for a week and see how that goes.

anairofhope she sometimes has a nap in the day. They used to be frequent and long, but now it's a struggle. I suppose it does normally fall between 1 and 3, but she normally fits one in after that instead of actually going to sleep for the night! It's very frustrating.

Regarding my HV, I haven't seen her since DD was 2 weeks old and that was a routine visit. I know it's awful, but I don't even have her phone number! Any time she's been poorly etc I've just taken her to the GP...is that bad?

I do sometimes hand her over to DH when he comes in, but sometimes he gets a bit "I've been working all day" blah blah blah.

This morning hasn't been that bad so far, whilst she's playing I'll get myself sorted so we can go for a walk. The only problem is we live in the middle of a town so it's not all that relaxing!

EasilyBored Tue 02-Oct-12 20:14:27

DS has started being a bit like this in the last week or so, he's 41 weeks. I think it's a combination of him learning so many new skills, but still not quite being able to do what he wants properly - for instance he likes to stand up, but if he can't pull himself up for some reason, he screams like he's completely furious. And he whines and whines and whines, but usually only when he's tired or hungry, so I try and nip it in the bud at the first whine and get him down for a nap/fed before it all goes downhill.

I second the getting out of the house idea. I know the weather is foul at the minute, but I've been known to drive to our local indoor shopping centre and walk around there for a few hours if it's raining and I'm getting to breaking point with cabin fever. Children's centres/sure start centres or other playgroups are good - all the new toys and people to play with seem to keep him entertained for ages.

I find the whining really really grating, and if nothing I do is making him happier and I'm turning into 'shouty mummy', I will sometimes just leave him in his cot, or with a toy, and stand in the next room for a couple of minutes to try and regain some composure. If it's been a really really full on day I hand him over to DH as soon as he comes in the door, and go outside for a walk and some fresh air and some sneaky chocolate from the corner shop for 5 minutes too. Don't know if that would help at all?

RedWineLuvr Tue 02-Oct-12 17:42:30

Just had an idea; if you guys are moving house...could she be picking up on your anxiety?? Just a thought?
Why not try getting her to help put things into boxes with you? Make a game out of it. Will take twice as long, but at least you'll feel like you're acheiving something?
xxx

RedWineLuvr Tue 02-Oct-12 17:38:15

Huge Hugs!
Can feel myself welling up reading your post, and YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE MOTHER, just exhausted; physically & emotionally by the sounds of things. I know it's just words, but I've been there and it will get better.

Have you spoken to HV? There could be something underlying, if she not taking solids or napping. If nothing else it's someone to talk things though with.

How is she if you try distracting her; not paying direct attention to her behaviour at the time...tell her you're going for a bubble bath and does she want to go with you? I always found this a great tactic with my 3 and had fun too...who doesn't love a bubble bath? Or start reading one of her books to yourself, don't make big deal out of it, and see if she comes to you?

I think the most important thing I cld say is for you to take care of yourself first. If she out of control, put her somewhere safe then go and walk round garden for a few minutes or sit in loo with a magazine for 5 mins and give yourself time to breath and get your head together. She'll be fine, and quickly realize you can't be manipulated!

I used to phone DH in tears too, telling him I couldn't cope etc... He would just go silent and that infuriated me coz thought he didn't care...but we've since talked about it and he told me he didn't know what to do or say, that wouldn't make it worse. I'm sure your DH wishes he could help, but like mine he maybe doesn't know how.

So! Plan of action...See your HV to make sure there no underlying health problem...take care of yourself by keeping calm and walking away from stressful/upsetting situations (making sure DD safe first of course)...distraction distraction distraction; don't reward the bad behaviour with attention.

Be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up over this. She does love you. she's obviously frustrated about something and just doesn't have the skills to tell you what she needs...just remember that it WILL pass!
Take care, sending you lots of love nd support.
xxxxx

QTPie Tue 02-Oct-12 17:15:56

Hi ya

So sorry that you are having such a rough time.

Honestly, she doesn't hate you. It sounds as though she is having a rough time (probably teething) and being absolutely miserable because of it. DS is 2 years and 8 months and is a great child, but we still have "those" days... (normally teething or illness).

The first thing to do is to take care of yourself: prioritise sleep (for you!) and a regular break (are there times when DH or someone else can babysit and you can get a break? Preferably regularly - a yoga class one night a week? Go swimming or something? Get out for a few hours at the weekend?). Honestly, if I am tired and/or overwhelmed, then I am much more likely to not take DS's behaviour in my stride...

One thing that I regret with DS is not speaking up a bit more to DH about needing a break sometimes: we argued about it a few times - he saw weekends as "family together time" (which I read as "I am scared to have sole responsibility for the baby" hmm ). But actually some times I REALLY needed a break (particularly between about 12 and 20 months) and I think that he would have benefited from more one-on-one time with DS.

Secondly, both you and your DD need "distractions". My reaction to things getting tense has always to get both of us out of the house: change of scenery, things to do (so DS doesn't get too bored and so that I have some other company to talk to). This is easier in the Summer (when you can get out to the park), but look for activities that you can do all year round. I try to schedule at least one "activity" a day:
- swimming
- park
- walks
- visiting friends with babies a similar age (going to each other's houses for tea). We have a great NCT group, but you can make friends with mums at other activities too.
- baby gyms (tumbletots, but some private gyms have better prigrammes).
- softplay
- playgroups
- sing and sign
- various music groups
- sure start etc.

I didn't do all of these, but they are ideas. Keeping busy and getting out and about keeps me sane! ;)

Thirdly, and very importantly, your DD is a blank canvas. My DS went through biting (normally when teething) and hair pulling (just exploring textures): there is nothing spiteful or personal in it at all - they are just learning about the the world and learning from your reactions. Step back and don't take anything personally.

Fourthly, "talk talk talk" - that is what these places are here for. Sounds like your DH is very busy and maybe avoiding the subject a bit (probably doesn't know what to do or say). But you are far from alone! Most of us have been through very similar things....

Children are fantastic, but - honestly - emotionally it can be very tough. It is a very long (and delightful) "slog" until they leave home: it is all about finding ways to make everything pleasant (even the bad times when they are ill/teething etc) and staying sane ;)

Good luck.

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