10 month old Baby/Very sad Mum.

(45 Posts)
IHateBounty Tue 02-Oct-12 14:26:26

(Name Change.)

My Daughter is 10 months old and I feel like I am at the end of my tether with her.
From the moment she wakes up she just whines and moans constantly, even after being changed, fed, played with etc. She's stopped eating her solids, wont nap (instead will scream and scream until she can't hold off any longer) and wont let me change her nappy (a constant wrestling match, I have rang DH in tears in the past due to this).

She has also started getting vicious- scratching, pulling hair etc.

I'm in tears writing this. She's so defiant.
I haven't eaten a thing today due to her being so full on and I just don't know what to do. I know I sound like a terrible Mother, it's breaking my heart to write this.

On top of everything, we are moving house very, very soon and I haven't been able to get a thing done. DH isn't really interested, he works full-time (self-employed) and doesn't bother to reply to my texts on days like these.

Why doesn't she like me? sad

ZuleikaD Wed 03-Oct-12 13:46:08

At 10 months I would be expecting two naps a day, to be honest. A daily routine something like:
6am wakeup: milk
7.30 breakfast (cereal)
9-9.45 nap
10 am snack (cracker or piece of banana)
11.30 lunch
12-2 nap
3pm snack
5pm supper
6pm milk and bedtime routine.

QTPie Wed 03-Oct-12 14:03:33

I have also been routine focused too and it has worked very well. You have to work to get naps established etc, but it can work very well if you stick with it... Naps keep me sane, even now: give me time to do things or even just out my feet up with a coffee and a magazine ;)

Do you have parks in your town - normally good to head to one of a walk. We used to live in a city and I could always find places to walk: just getting out and getting (relatively) fresh air used to help both of us smile

DebbieTitsMcGee Wed 03-Oct-12 14:11:55

Put the buggy up in the room you need to start sorting and strap her in it. She can watch you work and you can chat/sing to her. Give her some water in her bottle or a dummy if she likes them so shes got something calming to help her gums and see if this will buy you an hours relative peace!
I found wonder weeks helpful but my dd was sometimes way ahead or behind...

IHateBounty Wed 03-Oct-12 14:14:47

Hi all, back from our trip to the park and she's sparko smile

The issue with routine is she seems to wake up quite late. Sometimes she doesn't surface until 11.30am!

I do the whole dinner, bath, bottle, bed, but she takes it as a nap and is awake and ready for playtime after an hour and a half or so. Once she's awake like that there's no getting her back off sad

Also, I've tried really hard with routines so far, but DH likes us to go to his parents twice a week sometimes, and (even though I ask to a lot sooner) we don't leave there before 9pm, sometimes 10 angry

QTPie Wed 03-Oct-12 14:34:42

Different things suit different people.

If DD doesn't get up until late, then at least you have the morning - would explain why you might have nap problems though and why she doesn't want to go to bed at a reasonable time...

Routines can be liberating in some ways, but obviously restrictive in others... My life always revolved around DS's schedule when He was younger (is now 2 years 8 months and is much more adaptable), but he was very predictable and I knew what I was doing when. We got up at 7am, he napped at 9.15 for 45 minute and again at 1pm for 1 hour 30 minutes and then was in bed asleep for about 8pm. That gave both of our days structure.

QT

QTPie Wed 03-Oct-12 14:38:44

Forgot to say, that going on walks - when DS was really small - was how I would get him to sleep: really worked and the miles that I walked did me no end of good too!

Eventually realised (6 months) that pushing him up and down in the pushchair in he conservatory (uneven tiled floor), with something covering him to keep him dark, also worked (push backwards and forwards a few minutes, he would fall asleep, I could leave him). At 14 months I got brave and started settling him in his cot... Should have been braver and done it a lot earlier, but needs must! smile

ZuleikaD Wed 03-Oct-12 14:49:16

Yes, if you're not getting her to bed until 10.30pm sometimes I'm not surprised you can't get her into a routine. Not waking up till 11.30 in the morning is VERY unusual.

gourd Wed 03-Oct-12 14:55:13

OP sounds normal to me, but just stressed and overtired. Agree wholeheartedly about going out - babies often settle in pram/pushchair better than at home anyway so chances are you'll find screaming subsides and she falls asleep in pushchair. Baby may be very overtired and therefore more cranky than usual if she is struggling to get to sleep or to stay asleep due to teething or any other reason. I used to let our LO stay asleep in pushchair after walks - just brought it into the house and wheeled straight into her bedroom (we have no stairs). She'd sleep for an hour or two like that whereas if I lifted her out of the pushchair and put her in her cot she'd wake immediately. Whilst they are still in pushchairs/not walking it's really easy to go out with them and you can go to a nice cafe and have cake (shared with her of course). As long as you don't try to do the weekly shop or try loads of clothes on, you can even do a little "treat" shopping for toiletries or small items and markets are also quite interesting for babies. If you have any friends or neighbours who are retired or are around during the day time, why not visit them? This is also good for baby as well as for you. Park walks and going to playgroup are definitely good and playgroup means you get to meet other parents too which may help you feel less alone and less trapped in the house. It is good for the soul (not just for you but for baby as well) to get fresh air every day so you really must go out every day even if baby is in a bad mood to start with - you will probably find she is better once you are outside anyway

TittyWhistles Wed 03-Oct-12 15:01:02

You poor things, my advice is the same as my Mum gave me. At times like this, forget about everything else. Lay on the floor with your baby and just 'be' with her. Let her climb on you and remember you, Have 5 minutes remembering what the bond between you two feels like, rediscover the enjoyment of each other, fill yourselves up with the little details of each other.

It takes practice to get back the bond, real life gets in the way and she must be picking up on the stresses you're going through. You have to do this every day, make it an activity.
The washing/hoovering/cleaning whatever can wait, she'll never be 10 months old ever again. I am aware that this sounds a bit flaky and honestly I'm the most pragmatic of mothers but it really does work.

gourd Wed 03-Oct-12 15:06:41

We found sticking to routine wake/bed times helped, or at least, ours started to sleep through night at 6 weeks and is still pretty good about going to bed at 2 years so it seems to worked for us but it may just be luck.. This does mean we have never and still do not go out for meals late in the evenings though. If we do go out (with my parents etc) then it's for lunch or an early (5pm-ish) tea-time meal out at weekends and that's it. We don't mind as neither of us ever liked eating late anyway and we are usually up early due to work. I had to go back to work when LO was 10 months and as we have to be up at 6 on week days, it would be a nightmare if LO didn't go to bed by 7:30 or 8pm every night - I need at least 30 mins afterwards, to get all her kit lunch etc ready for next day so that only leaves 30-60 mins before I go to bed myself! She does sleep till 7 at weekends but we find we are usually awake around 6 as usual anyway, we just let her sleep in as she must need it but then if she has that extra hour in the morning, she often doesn't have a nap that day. I cant help wondering if having different bedtimes is not giving your baby's carcadian rythm a chance to settle so her 'body clock' isn't telling her when it's night time or when it's time to wake up.. Might be worth having a specific wake-up and bed-time that you stick to.

timetosmile Wed 03-Oct-12 15:26:43

Sounds like there could be a lot of things possibly going on (or a combination of them all....)

I suspect at the back of your mind even if its just sometimes is the forbidden thought that this baby has ruined your life and you wish you hadn't had her?
You really sound at the end of your tether, but as you can see from all the posts, most of us have felt the way you do at some point in our lives. Small babies are hard, hard work and often it feels like a thankless and endless task.

Can I make some suggestions?

Get her checked by a GP - it could be teething, or reflux, or tonsillitis, or any number of common things that its worth getting a checkup for.

Get in touch with your HV to see what's around for parents in your area..or in your new area if you're moving far.

Can you make some time to talk with DH? I know he sounds busy with work and you are both stressed about the move..but just half an hour where you can calmly(!) tell him just how hard things are for you at the memont..and don't expect him to instinctively know what to do to help..I read once that men sometimes respond better to a direct request e.g.Because I am sooo tired of babyminding, it would really help me if you could take DC for half and hour to let me get a cup of tea/ pick up xyz in the supermarket on the way home/be in charge of packing stuff in the living room/bathrooms/wherever. ("you always come home late and don't care how I feel" never seems to get as good a result as a simple and nice request wink)

You are not a bad mum at all, it's hard work and some babies have really difficult phases.

Have a look at www.careforthefamily.org.uk/ which is always very life affirming, and they have a lovely helpline too for some RL chat and sympathy. Also 'the sixty minute mother' Rob Parsons, and 'Babies' by Christopher Green are great morale-boosting books and pretty cheap on eBay

big hugs....at least half of mumsnet have felt like you do today xx

IHateBounty Wed 03-Oct-12 21:10:29

Oh gosh, I'm not very good at this am I sad

For what it's worth, she was very much wanted and I love her dearly- I feel terrible about how this has come across.

DebbieTitsMcGee Wed 03-Oct-12 21:29:01

I didn't get any impression that you resent her, just that you love her lots and lots and are understandably finding the current situation tough.

Please don't feel sad, you are a great mum! You sound a lot more patient than me smile

HalleLouja Wed 03-Oct-12 21:30:18

You are coming across fine. All sounds pretty normal. I make most of it up as I go along and things tick over (most of the time) but we all have shit times.

Maybe its worth going to see your HV. Mine wasn't great on the whole but she was really lovely to talk to when I suffered from depression / low self esteem.

I

alto1 Wed 03-Oct-12 21:50:57

Loads of good ideas on this thread.

I second getting out every day, even to push her round the shops, even if you don't need anything - change of scene, different stimuli for her. Sometimes I didn't get out till late afternoon but it was still worth it.

Swimming twice a week - you don't get a swim of course but being in the water relaxes your tense muscles and the business of drying and dressing is more entertainment - they love faffing about.

For nappies, I developed a ritual. I chanted aloud and made a lot of noise and cheered and clapped her at the end. She came to know what to expect and do it with me (still remember the chant and she's nearly 14 - Down with the baby! Off with the nappy! Up with the bum! etc).

For other flashpoints, I kept a special toy - so for example there was a musical tortoise that lived in the car and I only ever gave it to her as I put her in the car seat, so she'd play with it while I strapped her in.

I was inclined to take it all personally, a bit like you're doing, but when you look back on it (which will be quite soon) you realise it wasn't at all, it was just the stage she was at.

CagneyNLacey Thu 04-Oct-12 08:25:59

Some brilliant advice on here, op, and you round like a lovely person who loves her daughter so don't beat yourself up- most of us are winging it you know.

On a practical level have you got on top of controlling the teething pain? I found that alternating calpol and neurofen, lots of cuddles and using dentinox gel managed it very well. Advised by gp to do this last year and it worked very well.

QTPie Thu 04-Oct-12 08:34:42

Agreed - you sound very normal. Parenting is a continual process of learning (normally from mistakes). And everyone has crappy days, even crappy weeks....

It is all about putting your best foot forward and doing the best you can. Having a good moan helps to get it off your chest smile

CagneyNLacey Thu 04-Oct-12 08:35:19

Oh yes, a tip i used for nappy change pain in the arse-ness that i read on here is to get stickers and stick one or two on baby's hand to distract them.

Craftyone Thu 04-Oct-12 16:59:06

I have a 10 month old DS and they can be a handful (currently refusing solids). Here are a few tips

We wake up early with my partner and 15 mins earlier than he would normally wake. After feeding him I take him downstairs for 15 mins with his father while I take a shower and get dressed ‘in peace’. This has made a huge difference!

I keep a makeup bag, mirror, cardie and deodorant bag downstairs so if I feel like going out I can get ready while he is playing and off we go!

Make a little extra for dinner then heat it up for your lunch the next day.

His pushchair is left upright, near the front door with a changing bag etc in the bottom so it’s easy to get out.

He has his naps at the same time everyday approx three hours after he wakes and four hours after that and i wake him after 1.5 hours.

He sleeps a 10 hour shift 8.30 pm-6.30am not a 12 hour so this means he has 2 good naps at 1.5 hours each during the day leaving me time for myself.

All this keeps me sane!
Keep your head up.

littlepiggie Thu 04-Oct-12 17:26:16

Not read all the posts so sorry if I repeat. Ds was a really difficult baby, suffered from reflux and cried upto 18 hours a day from 2weeks to 6 months, after that although he stared to get better, he was still difficult, + exh (dh at the time) who didn't want to know. Firstly can I just say I did everything the way I thought was right, eg bf co sleeping blw so its not that I didn't care, but I couldn't listen to it, I was starting to question my ability as a mother.
If I was cooking I would put music on with him in bouncy/high chair, give him bowls and spoons, and sing, he either shut up, or it drowned him out, I could see he was fine, then we would eat together, least we both got fed. I would do the same if I wanted a shower, put him on the floor with toys, stair gate closed and upstairs doors shut so he was free to move around safely, or go for a bath together. Point was he was going to cry anyway, so I got on with what I needed to, I just tried to include him. He had grown out of it at 15m when dd was born.
Ps, he's now 6 and lovely, although he has just handcuffed me to the kitchen table??

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