Am I failing my Mum or is she mad?

[robin3]

DS is 2yrs and 3 months. Ever since he was old enough to walk I'd say he has shown an obvious preference for my Dad rather than my Mum. That said my Dad has no hands on involvement in looking after him and never gets involved in confrontation or even the basics of bathing/feeding etc. My Mum is the only person I feel I can confidently leave to look after DS and guarantee that he'll be happy. He's even stayed overnight without us.
My son has also given his other grandma a hard time but she's very stern and unable to play with him or anything because or her health.

Anyway....the point I'm coming to is that my Mum has built up in her head that DS doesn't like her and at the weekend we pitched up and DS was well behaved but started the whole 'No Nana' thing. My Mum stood up and said 'I'm not going to put up with this any more' and stropped off. Dad and I were left with DS who seemed oblivious. I then let the situation die down a bit then went over to DS and explained that he'd upset Nana and that he should go and sorry to Nana. He climbed all the way upstairs screaming sorry Nana to which my Mum responded with 'Well that's all very well but do you even know why you're sorry!'

I left their house later in the day not sure what to think. On reflection I feel that he's 2 and the way he behaves towards her is very typical of a 2 year old. He's the same with me and DP sometimes but I guess we see lots more of him so it dilutes it down. I also choose to react to this by breaking the No cycle and making him laugh. I also think she's trying to compare herself with my Dad who has a special status with DS and this is an unfair comparison. I also feel cross that she chose to deal with this with anger and resentment which is the least effective route IMO with a 2 year old. She seems to be crediting him with the emotional capacity of a 13 year old.

Having longed for a grandchild it also constantly amazes me that neither of my parents really make much of an effort to interact and my Mums way of showing love is to make things for him to eat or buy toys. These don't rate highly with 2 year olds IME.

So....what do you think?
Should I have dealt with the situation differently?
Should I be punishing my son for this behaviour?
Is he being in fact being rude?
Or is my Mum being rediculous?

Finally I'd also like to say that DS is incredibly easy going and not yet the terrible two year old that I'd expected.

[compo]

I think you're Mum is being very immature. I don't see how you cn discipline your child when he's just behaving like a normal child. My ds is the same age and loves my 9 year old nephew and when my 11 year old neice picks him up he holds out his hands to her brother. I think it upsets her but even she has thrown a strop like your mum!!

[WigWamBam]

The only way that I would have dealt with the situation differently is that I would have walked out there and then. Your mother is being childish and immature, and there is no way I would have let her speak to a two year old in that way. I also wouldn't have sent him to apologise - he is 2, for heaven's sake, and he hadn't done anything to apologise for!

Why should you punish your 2 year old for something he has no clue he's done? He's not being rude, he is behaving as most 2 year olds do - you say yourself he's like it with you sometimes. It is your mother who is being rude and badly behaved.

She can't expect him to have the emotional maturity to be doing this on purpose, let alone to be able to understand her when she says she's not prepared to put up with it, or when she complains that he doesn't know what he's apologising for. She is trying to score points over a two year old - which would indicate to me that she has a real problem.

[winnie]

A two year old is not deliberately being mean to your Mum and she should realise this. I had a similar problem with both grandmothers. FIL is prefered over MIL because imo FIL will get down on the floor adn play with ds where as MIL will simply do the "Come and give Nanna a kiss... haven't you grown" thing. I'm not two and I know which I'd prefer Where my mother was concerned she became convinced that h had turned ds against her because he refused to kiss her and would rather do anything than sit and talk to her. My mother was ill for much of ds life and could not have him on her lap or pick him up and certainly couldn't run around and play with him. So similarly I am not surprised ds didn't show enough interest in my Mum. He was little. He was bored. He'd be naughty because he found it boring to just sit and talk or watch tv. When he went to see her so she could say goodbye a couple of days before she died he wouldn't let her kiss him on his face only on his head and it was heartbreaking but starkly sums up what is going on. Small children have no concept of deliberately hurting peoples feelings any more than they have any concept of what it means to die, they simply know what they like and don't like. My advice is simply to try and explain this to your Mum. She is the grown up she should realise this. Children are not ornaments or possessions.

[Freckle]

DS1 has always had a distinct preference for my dad over my mum. Mum has never been bothered by it. In fact she seems pleased that DS1 is so obviously delighted whenever he sees my dad.

I think your mum has issues for which a 2 year old should not be expected to apologise. None of us knows why we like one thing and not another. It is not something we have any control over. Your mum should get over herself and just concentrate on making your ds' visits as pleasurable as possible. Her reaction is likely to push him even further away.

[Freckle]

I should add that DS1 is now 12 and still obviously prefers my dad!

[Tommy]

I think your Mum is being very immature.
IMO, sometimes, grandparents have been looking forward to their grandchildren for so long that they forget that these little people are going to have personalities of their own and may not be prepared to mould themselves into what "nana" or anyone else wants.
My MIL sometimes says that the reason DS1 doesn't eat at her house is that he doesn't like her food and she gets all upset about it - FGS - he doesn't eat any food most of the time. I managed to let her know that I thought she was being ridiculous.
If you have the sort of relaionship with your Mum where you can tell to grow up then I suggest you do - otherwise she'll never be able to enjoy her grandosn - he is probably playing up to the situation because he knows he'll get a reaction!

[zippitippitoes]

I think she is another mad grandma, bizarrely there seem to be alot of them about..certainly wouldn't blame ds he's only two!

[Orlando]

I agree with everyone else that it's your mum who's in the wrong. Perhaps the best way to approach it is to go round and see her and ask very gently if she's OK, because the way she behaved yesterday made you think she might be upset or worried about something else. Hopefully that way you'll make it clear that she is overreacting and behaving irrationally while at the same time seeming supporive and giving her a chance to talk to you about what's going on in her head. I think its important not to let her get away with feeling that she's been treated unjustly by a 2 yr old, and also not to let the situation stay like this for too long. She needs to be given an open opportunity to say 'yes, sorry, I was stupid, but it hurts' or whatever, and then perhaps you can talk about ways in which she could build on her relationship with her grandson. also you could point out that nothing stays the same for long-- he'll feel entirely differently as he grows up (but only if she bridges the gap now)

[robin3]

The thing that seemed to send her over the edge was the fact that my Dad and I were talking then when she said something DS said 'No Nana' as if he didn't even want her to speak. But for all we know he might have meant something completely different.

The trouble with these sorts of situations is that you start to question your parents and the way they raised you and that's a highway to nowhere.

I think she watches too much Supernanny as well but how can you compare that sort of behaviour in a 2 yr old vs hell-raising in a 5 year old. I really think she wanted me to get him to sit on a carpet round for 2 minutes. She'd rather he was breaking things because then it's not personal to her.

[Blu]

So, your Mum has set up a situation where she competes for your DS's attention, which he then exacerbates by winding her up and resisting.

Sounds 100% normal 2 year-old behaviour to me, and your Mum is behaving likewise! Her reaction to his behavour is ridiculous, immature and very insecure.

Can you talk to her and rea-ssure her out of earshot of your DS some time?

But he isn't going to give up the game until she just relaxes and inter-acts normally, ignoring any 'no Nana' behaviour, or, as you say, incorporating it with a joke.

[zippitippitoes]

Does he do anything special at her house that he will expect to do when he comes..maybe leave her with him for an hour or so doing something like drawing or mopping the floor, watering plants, dancing

Really I think it's up to her to make an effort

[kleggie]

Agree with Orlando. Plus, I may be way off the mark here, so ignore me if I am, but I don't think this can just be about a 2yr old boy. What struck me in your last post is that you said you and your Dad were talking and then she interjected and your ds said 'no nana'. Could she be feeling excluded by you as well? Are you close to your Dad? I only suggest it because my Mum said to me just this week 'I know you love me but I don't think you like me.' She was being totally honest and I have to admit that I do have more in common with my father and we do 'chat' more. I just never realised that it upset my Mum so much. Is there any chance that you are a Daddy's Girl and she feels like history is repeating itself? Sorry, if this is not the case with you., just a suggestion.

Why don't you, your DM and your DS have a day out together?

[robin3]

Good questions which is why I hate this situation. Causes me to analyse far too much.

Firstly, my Mum thinks she is the worlds expert on kids....she really does....excellent brownie leader etc. That's why I'm amazed that she doesn't make more effort. She often suggests that we go shopping on a Sat but I always turn that down because she can do that anyday and why drag DS round the shops - or me for that matter?

Secondly, she prefers girls to boys and is already raising her hopes about No2 being a girl but little does she know that I do know, and she's not going to be chuffed.

Thirdly, they recently moved to be near to us all so she is probably facing a period of adjustment.

Finally, my family history is a bit strange because my Dad was a workaholic who I rarely saw and actively disliked for most of my life. But since he retired I've got closer and closer to him and I do enjoy his company more than Mums. My brother is also highly disfunctional because (I reckon) he was neglected by my Dad and my Mum was unwilling to engage with him as a boy. But Mum has spent the past 10 years revelling in the fact that Dad and I get on much better now and up to now she's been telling everyone so proudly about how much my DS loves his Grandpa. Basically my Mum and Dad have a great marriage and that's caused both my brother and I resentment over the years because we feel she did nothing to force him to do more with us as kids because she was alright Jack!

Think I might suggest a day out as you say Kleggie, but I'm 6 months pregnant and really need her right now to step up and HELP as she always claimed is her desire...not force me in to having to think of ways to be sensitive and build bridges.

Never thought this grandparenting thing could be so tricky...if anything I thought I'd have to write my Dad off as the weak one....not my own kid loving, all knowing mother!

Anyway glad my second is going to be a boy too as at least I won't have to face a lifetime of her favouritism. She can get annoyed with them both.

[blueshoes]

robin3, about relying a grandparents to help, well ... I had my mother live with me for more than a year to help out with dd who had health problems and a difficult temperament. That was very selfless of my mother, but having been through it, I can now safely say, never again. No matter what, family relationships at close proximity are a minefield. Throw a dh and dc into it, and you do have to do a balancing act.

I naively thought that having my mother (MY mother) would be easier than having a stranger. But it brought up a lot of deepseated resentment about certain ways in which I was parented and all the memories about my childhood re-surfaced, with the old friction between myself and my mum amplified many times.

I am sure that with your mother close-by but not living in your pocket would help. But just be prepared to have to work at keeping harmony, as you are now finding. The weight of unspoken expectations and preconceptions can be crushing.

I sound so ungrateful, but I would rather pay for childcare now and have no time-off, than invite my mother back (not that she would want to - lol!).

[muppety]

Not read all of this but what I would say is that ds1 (2 1/2) is always choosing his favourites. Its always 'don't like mummy' don't like daddy' etc etc. It changes on a day to day basis and I take no notice whatsoever!

[robin3]

I made the mistake of calling my Dad to get is POV on my Mums behaviour. Boy did I open up a can of worms. He was trying to be tactful but basically said that THEY had observed the following poor behaviours.

Too demanding of parents time (he only spends two days a week with me and three days a week with DP so when we are with him we enjoy playing and reading!)
Looks for sympathy when he hasn't really hurt himself (I offer a kiss-it-better and he comes over then toddles off...I always thought this was sweet)
Shows little interest in Grandparents activities or involvement (that's because if he says no when they ask him if he wants to do something they back off. Not true either because he loves gardening/cooking with them)
When he does play he wants to follow his own agenda. (This means he wants to play football, then golf, then batting in the garden and is quite bossy)
Cheeky to Nana because he thinks he can get away with it (back to previous point about saying No to Nana and she thinks it's because he's not reigned in enough)
Unable to join family meals at the table (He does sit for ten minutes at breakfast time when we stay overnight and all other meals are not at same time as ours)
Likely to be highly jealous of sibling (Probably will be but I'm thinking of strategies now to deal with this)
Unwilling to comply with things like wearing his jacket (true he has refused to wear his jacket on occasions and we've taken the attitude of it being a small refusal in the big scheme of things but problem is that my Mum has asked him to and then we've not forced him to)
We're both far too patient with him and allow far too much coersion

Bear in mind that DS doesn't attention seek by being naughty, has never intentionally hurt anyone nor has he ever broken anything. He eats his food, lets us change his nappy, always stops when I ask him to, goes to bath/bed when we ask, has to comply with the important requests like seatbelts and safety issues and plays contently on his own for long periods of time at home. He is also a gem for other people too...nursery say he's great and our neighbour and even Mum and Dad say he's easy to look after when we're not there.

I'm devastated by my parents and it's raised lots of issues about their expectations of a 2 year old and the way they treated us as children. I feel so criticised I was starting to doubt myself and bought the book Toddler Taming only to find that he reinforces all our actions and none of my parents attitudes. I've now sent them a copy of the book and asked them to read it.

What else can I do? I'm not sure I'm ever going to get past this and feel ashamed that DP has heard all of this. I feel like I never want my DS to be subjected to their criticism again and fear that if I can't resolve it, that my relationship with my parents is damaged for good. I keep getting upset and I need to pull myself together.

[Feistybird]

They are comparing your ds's behaviour to that of an adult.



weird.

[robin3]

Sorry this is so long...

[WigWamBam]

All you can do is remind them that your son is 2 years old, not 12, and as such his behaviour is perfectly normal. All of their expectations would be reasonable if he were older and more rational, but as he's a toddler not a teenager their expectations are unreasonable, and there is no way that your son can meet them.

I'm afraid that I would tell them that they either lower their expectations to something more appropriate for (and achievable by) a 2 year old, or they will not see their grandson.

It sounds as if their real problem with him is that he doesn't treat them as if they are on some kind of pedestal, and they are more interested in their own agenda than in forging a relationship with him. The fact that they feel he shows little interest in their activities or involvement is laughable; at this age he would be unusual if he showed interest in another child's activities, let alone an adults.

[getbakainyourjimjams]

OK they are barking.

Dh has gone through a similar thing with his parents (lack of interest in the grandkids, realisation that as a small child he may have been ignored rather a lot, realisation that he's not going to do things their way).

Could you say somehting like "well he'sour child we'll do it our way and in the meantime I'd be grateful if you'd keep your comments to yourself, otherwise I'll list all the issue I have with your parenting" (but don't- keep the high ground, and that's opening a can or worms).

Sympathy- at the moment it sounds as if thier frnakly bizarre behaviour is impacting on you rather than your son so you can kind of ignore it, but if it starts to impact on your son then you may need to read the riot act.

Your mother's attitude to boys/girls is very strange.

[winnie]

robin3, poor you ... what a minefield! How are they likely to take your sending them the book?

I agree with WWB and like you would feel sadly criticised. Poor ds too. No advice really but just wanted to reply and give you my sympathies.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I think it's really common for grandparents to have unreasonable expectations of kids' behaviour. They don't remember (that well) what their kids were like at 2. They do remember what they were like at 5, or 7, or 12.

[FrannyandZooey]

Robin your last long post there is very upsetting - I feel dreadfully sorry for all of you :( The only positive thing I can think of is that it has to be better to have all this out in the open. How sad though to get all this criticism and complaint about your parenting and your ds' personality. Both of which sound absolutely fine to me btw!

[Wills]

Robin3. I have a terrible relationship with my mother that deteriorate because she used to look after dd1. This situation is definitely not the same but there are echos. Firstly you sound like a great mum. Second agree with NQC that unsympathetic grandparents are stunningly common. I'm pregnant with my third at the moment yet there are still moments when I think Oh, ummm, so when do I/they do..... Do you see what I mean? Their kids have grown up now and they seriously sound like they've forgotton a lot. Parenting can't really be compared to getting back on bike (although I've seen plenty of adults at center parcs that thought they could ride a bike! ). Here's some possible solutions:

"Oh mum you really aren't enjoying being with him are you, what a shame. Shall we find an alternative solution"

"Mum, you're the adult, he's the 2 year old - live with it"

"Guys this is obviously straining you far more than we'd realised"

But your ds sounds gorgeous and normal so don't worry too much.

[Wills]

Oh and to answer your question.

She's mad!