Swagger Inn. Can you believe we are still Wenching and that is almost July?! Thread 31.

(1000 Posts)
MalcolmTuckersMistress Thu 26-Jun-14 11:06:05

I think we will end up like this forever.

Flopsy28 Thu 26-Jun-14 11:13:55

Luff you malc, keep wenching.

AnneElkMiss Thu 26-Jun-14 11:31:46

Luff all of you
Xxx <-- not ironic

MadamedeChevreuse Thu 26-Jun-14 19:14:58


FolknNorah Thu 26-Jun-14 21:39:47

<opens windows>

just wanted to pop this here so it doesn't get lost at the end of the old thread. Some information about Tom and Utopia series 2 starting in mid July.


sounds like its a good idea to watch series 1 before watching this. It's on 4OD. Gonna give it a whirl and report back.

lyndie Thu 26-Jun-14 22:26:41

Evening. One for all....

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 22:28:07


DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 22:28:55

so what is FML?

Squirts WD40 liberally, everywhere.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 22:29:15

I want to eat in a posh restaurant sad.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 22:29:34

and then have brandy and get rogered senseless.

Fuck My Life.

But I think Fuck Me Lubbers is inspired grin <parp>

Flopsy28 Thu 26-Jun-14 22:30:42

Bloody hell hannah and drink, my last lengthy post got lost as I couldn't post it in the last thread. FML

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 22:31:31

which FML flopsy? grin

Flopsy28 Thu 26-Jun-14 22:31:31

Never mind, speak tomorrow. Thanks for the advice.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 22:31:55

i'm sure you could have retrieved it .

In fairness, it was Drink and Trev. I only got 3 wig wams in at end.

AnotherHelenB Thu 26-Jun-14 22:42:11

Course I'm working Hannah, but I'm NOT going to tomorrow night.

<face plants on keyboard>

AnneElkMiss Thu 26-Jun-14 22:51:24

Best wishes for tomorrow Flops

Sparklegeek Thu 26-Jun-14 22:56:14

Oh look what was on my Twitter feed. And not an Aramis in sight. Good job I loves ya all.

Flopsy28 Thu 26-Jun-14 23:00:35

Oh Lordy, look at those curls on BC's head...I want to touch him them!

Flopsy28 Thu 26-Jun-14 23:00:50

Night all.

MrsBeeee Thu 26-Jun-14 23:07:43

Fuck Me Lubbers is inspired grin

Flops if you are still about I went just before Easter. Had a boob scan and an ultrasound. It probably differs from authority to authority but I had to wear one of those attractive hospital gowns on the top half. Boob scan is a stand up, slap it on the shelf and then they squeeze them flat to take the picture. Ultrasound is the jelly thing like Trev said.

They do a clinic here where you turn up and don't go home until you get the results with the consultant. Half a day. 10 of us in and from what I saw we all went away happy.

Think I said it before but take someone who can be strong for you and take your mind off it. Hard to ignore it when you are sitting about waiting.

Oh and consultant told me big boobs are the best to scan / interpret (cheeky git) so you'll be fine. wink

Let us know how you get on. Will be thinking of you wine

MrsBeeee Thu 26-Jun-14 23:13:14

More topless Tom

<licks screen>

MrsBeeee Thu 26-Jun-14 23:19:50

Have you all gone to bed?? Already?

Bunchoffuckinglightweights <flounces>

MadamedeChevreuse Thu 26-Jun-14 23:20:26

Good luck for tomorrow flops thanks

Night night ilya xxx

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 23:31:15

Night bitches. Need to get up from the sifa.

My battery died downstairs <arf broken record> but I've now finished Shirley off <we both wish> and am in bed.

Floppers, sorry about your lost post. Such a pita, I know. I hope you didn't think I was being flippant about you app tmw. Was just trying to do the humour in lieu of usefulness thing. Obviously will be waiting on tenterhooks and hoping for best for you darlin xx

Helen - don't make me send Porthos in there! You need to sleep, at very least bloody rest woman! You work so hard. I worry about you thanks A young ds is enough to wipe out any mere mortal. Have you made a pact with devil for swappsies of work/musketeers in your actual Hayloft for rest of eternity?

Sparkle - you is above and beyond innit wench x

DrinkFeckArseGirls Thu 26-Jun-14 23:32:15

Can't get up. Will regret it tomorrow.

In the interest of balance and not wanting to only post moany stuff tonight.....

Am now lying in bed, windows open, petrichor wafting in <looks to Madame for wenchy points again> and my sinuses are slowing relaxing and congestion easing.

I'm almost tempted to go and lie in garden, naked in the rain, and feel it washing over me woooo hoooo........

Night my Preciouseseseses xxx

In the interest of balance and not wanting to only post moany stuff tonight.....

Am now lying in bed, windows open, petrichor wafting in <looks to Madame for wenchy points again> and my sinuses are slowing relaxing and congestion easing.

I'm almost tempted to go and lie in garden, naked in the rain, and feel it washing over me woooo hoooo........

Night my Preciouseseseses xxx


MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 06:59:34

Morning wenches! <skips in with misplaced sprightliness>

Floppers - thanks for today, will be thinking of you. I'm sure it will all be ok.

Have retained little else from the thread yesterday tbh. <sieve brain> Work for me today and I seem in a rather good mood. Can't think why and will soon sort that out. hmm

Oh, btw, Episode 3 on Sunday at 9? Ok then <general nods all round>


Morning. Hope all wenches have better days today. Very quiet in here at mo. Has every wench lost their mojo?

Note: if I ever say I'll not be around much, read this as I'll prob be around lots and do fair bit of wine fuelled over share in evening grin grin

Anyway, feeling marginally better today despite vin rouge. Rain has never been so welcome - which is totes amazeballs after winter aka rainy season grin

Layers <parp> (Good luck Floppers thanks )

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 07:33:27

You are right re in her Hannah. We need something exciting to happen. GET ON IT Jess P.

Flops will be thinking of you today, hope all goes well x

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 07:33:37


LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 07:56:10

Morning wenches.

Was in bed for just after 9 last night. Woke up a bit around 11 and then slept till 6.30. Feeling a bit better.

Hope all goes well Flopsy.

Thanks for the Batch pic. Really looking forward to watching The Imitation Game in November.

Also, where the fuck is Porthos's World Cup seat video? Here's an idea. He says he was supporting England so to console himself he's sitting on a crate in a wine cellar

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 08:01:14

LetUs, you probably know this being a fan of The Batch, but the NT Live screenings are repeating Frankenstein with BC and JLM in October/November.

Morning everyone. It's FRIIIIIDAAAAYYYYYYYYYY smile

Hope all goes well Flopsy

Was it your toddler's birthday to day Norah? Happy birthday in that case smile

Off to do some actual work now.

Have a wenchtastic day everyone!

JessCate Fri 27-Jun-14 08:03:53

Just marking my place... Will be back again soon x

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 08:07:04

Thanks Mavis x

Seen it twice grin. First time with Batch as Frankenstein and then the second with him as the Creature. Properly awesome. JLM was a revelation as the Creature.

<snogs> for all wenches. Laterz

Oh and Hannah I would turn lezzer for you! You little sexkitten you, meooow wink

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 08:09:54

Given that I'm trying to train myself to fancy BC (which I should but strangely don't) a bit like the time I made myself like olives, should I go for Frankenstein or The Creature?

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 27-Jun-14 08:13:31

I have a threenager at home: it's too haaaaard, mummy! Too haaard!

Imagine in a whiny voice. hmm She's been asked to pick up the puzzle pieces. Oh the injuctice! The hardship!

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 08:14:13

Hmmm. Not sure Mavis. He obvs looks more himself as Frankenstein but his Creature is brilliant. Possibly go for Batch as Creature as his performance might do it for you from that aspect grin

LaComtessdelafere Fri 27-Jun-14 08:15:40

Morning wenches

Seems to have stopped fucking raining which is one thing eh. No repeat of Rob Newman and his considerable manhood but I did have a few interesting segues during an insomnia filled night.

A good day to all.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 08:20:59

Thanks for the advice mrsbeee, my ma and PA are coming with me (joy). You're right, I have got big boobies so the scan should be easy enough.

I wasn't being totally meh about my last post yesterday drink and hannah, I am not throwing a hissy fit or anything. It's just one of those things...I was just moaning anyway.

Good day to you all, I'll check in later.

MadamedeChevreuse Fri 27-Jun-14 08:34:45

comtesse tomorrow is ds date night no? <hand squeeze>

Hey moaners...whadaya mean nothing going in in here??? This saturday, as a welcome distraction to worried mothers of teenagers and poorly little ones, report writers, hayfever sufferers, and wenches with docs appointments, we announce...

The reopening of the TWATS!!!

Look out for the list of final nominations (coming soon)

MadamedeChevreuse Fri 27-Jun-14 08:35:06


ApricotCrush Fri 27-Jun-14 08:35:34

Morning all.

Jess Pope is definitely on to us. At 7.33 Sparkle said GET ON IT, at 7.38 she posted this:

"the very charismatic Marc Warren as Rochefort"

Busy day today, then going out to lunch at a restaurant called "The Cock" Amuses me every time. grin

Best of luck Flops thanks

Hi Jess Hope you're ok smile

MadamedeChevreuse Fri 27-Jun-14 08:37:51

Petrichor hannah...so good she posted it twice. ..

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 08:44:55

Grey skies.
Tumble dryer on.

<kicks Madame's tumbleweed>

Fuck off tumbleweed! We are going to get TWATted!


<starts searching for glittering leather corset ball gown>

We at going to dooooooo this.

And then, I am going to do Rochefort until the birds fall out of the sky <ambitious>

<tit parp for WW keeping options open>

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 08:59:28

Good luck flops x

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 09:03:34

Morning. First day of school holidays here and ITS NOT RAINING!! This bodes well.

Have got to pack and stuff for holiday though. Can't be arsed but need to leave for ferry at silly o'clock tomorrow morning so it all has to be done today. Car packing tonight which is always fun as DH is one of those "use every bit of space, everything at 90 degree angles" and it takes forever. I'm more a "chuck it all in randomly and bounce on the boot until it shuts" type.

Apricot I thought that about JP too. She clearly doesn't RTFT in full though or it would have been an Aramis picture for Sparkle. Have to say the more I see the more I think I will be liking Rochefort. Even if he is blond and small. <flexes muscles for the inevitable queue fighting>

brew for all wenches to help start the morning.

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 09:12:44

Flops lots of love and thanks today you gorgeous wench. You're taking you're PA with you to a boob scan??.........you have a PA?? (ooo, get you wink)

Left the pushchair outside last night....it's had an unexpected wash. However given yesterday's vomathon, that's no bad thing.

Drink it gets more whiney and shouty and stroppy and lippy from now on....MlleElk walked home from a friends (about a mile) in her socks yesterday as she refused to put her shoes on because she DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE!! hmm

Looking forward to the TWATs, will wait with winky vadge bated breath

MrsBeee Oh, you're off for holiday tomorrow, that's right. Don't worry, I will look after Athos for you wink And i think Rochefort will be PERFECT for you!

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 09:21:20

Athos is coming on holiday too. I'll fit him in the boot. Nice try WW

I'll miss the TWATS sad

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 09:34:51



<Grabs Athos by various buckles and straps>

You are staying right here pet


AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 09:35:56

<drags takes Athos into back room to practise pelvic tilting exercises>

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 09:41:36

Don't be so selfish Elk. He is shattered poor man. Needs rest and relaxation with a caring wench somewhere remote and beautiful. It's for his own good, not mine.

<"forgetfully" leaves DH and DC at ferry port>

Call me if you need me, Elk wink

AnotherHelenB Fri 27-Jun-14 09:43:39

Need to work. Have no motivation. Would rather go back to bed.
<slaps self>
<Imagines lots of needy customers clamouring for attention>
<grits teeth and gets on with it>

Good luck Flops... Happy holidays MrsB

AnotherHelenB Fri 27-Jun-14 09:45:42

OK Mrs B, I can pick up on that for you, since you're on away holiday - Dh and Dc won't let you leave them behind. We're nice and rural, I have the chicken coop & DH's alcohol collection, he'll be well at home grin

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 09:57:52


MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 09:58:38

Tooo late! <revs car engine and zooms off into the sunset with TB>

I need to go and pack....<sighs dramatically>

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 09:59:41

Arghh Malc in this house that would be a epic disaster. My coffee machine is even going on holiday. Send DH to shop for emergency supplies?

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 10:01:35

Why would I need you WW wink

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 10:02:30

Mine angry

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 10:21:59


Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 10:22:46

Right, stop arguing about Athos and crack the prosecco open. Had an ultrasound and the doctor said "Oh it's a cyst, let's Dyson it" so he popped a needle in and boom, it's gone.

AnotherHelenB Fri 27-Jun-14 10:24:21

brew for Malc though sounds like you only really have the option of wine. Emergency shopping run?

Elk please can I book in for a full MOT and massage? Apparently my body can't cope with a day spent on my feet and all muscles are starting to seize up.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 10:25:24

OFTLOG (oh for the love of God) he did not get a bagless vacuum cleaner on my boob. Drain it.

lyndie Fri 27-Jun-14 10:40:03

<runs in>

Arrrrggggghhhhh packing!!!!

<runs out again>

Floppers great news wine

ApricotCrush Fri 27-Jun-14 10:41:09

Oh I'm so pleased for you Flops. It might fill up again, but at least you know what it is. DD gets them, and did have one removed as it got infected, but 'twas no big deal. smile

Dyson - LOL, I've got an image in my head. grin

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 10:45:31

Thanks lyndie and apricot, I didn't realise what a worry it was til it was gone! Off to work now though <booooooo>

Congrats Flopsy smile

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 10:54:36

floppers yay great news! Dyson worked, I had visions of all the gunk being sucked out in a most satisfying way grin

In other news, today is DH's last day on his current contract. The new one he was going to start are mucking about with rate and where they want him to work so we've not signed that yet. Argh - invoice hole looming! It will be fine, but I always hate this crossover part. Is it too early for wine?

It's never to early for wine

AnotherHelenB Fri 27-Jun-14 10:58:01

Excellent news Flopsy. Porthos has brought a wine or ten, to help you celebrate

Alibab can you get hot to work any any DIY projects in the meantime? Or he can just take over childcare and you can have some downtime.

<wenchslaps Elk> Athos is MINE angry

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 11:04:46

Helen he will definitely chip in with the kids and house stuff, he does anyway tbh he's a good egg in that department ignores other faults temporarily
The garage needs tidying, I know that's on his list grin

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 11:05:47

Oh Flopsy! What a relief. It's a shame you couldn't have reached it yourself and given it a good old squeeze! <pus porn>

AnotherHelenB Fri 27-Jun-14 11:29:01

<watches WW participate fully in the fighty Athos queue>
<take Athos to visit the wall and then hides him for later while no-ones paying attention>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 11:38:58

Woohoo floppers that's great.

Rained all night, now it's warm and damp and OH MY FUCKING SHIT HAIR. shock

Yes, it's The Toddler's third birthday today. So far he has had a birthday splash in puddles, bought a fireman Sam helium balloon, bought a helicopter, chose his cake and candles and some sweets. Oh and bubbles and balloons of course. smile
He got some birthday money and we are going to take him to get some toys tomorrow.

If I don't see you again, have a great holiday mrsb. lyndie are you going on holiday as well?

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 11:55:36

Warm and damp? hmm

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 11:56:34

Oh and Happy Birthday little Norah! I hope your mum gives you a great birthday, otherwise you need to put spiders in her bed.

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 12:00:12

Yes, it's quite steamy here.
He's got balloons, bubbles and cake, what could be better?

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 12:10:35

WW is he bollocks

Flops fab news, I really wish he'd said/used a Dyson - brilliant malapropism grin, maybe Comtess and Lyndie should take note, there's new medical terminology on the block

Hel of course...<consults diary>....I've got a window Wednesday week....the others can have an hour with Athos then <generous>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 12:17:25

Malcolmbury will have balloons bubbles and cakes!


FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 12:29:28

floppers was it extracting pus? Could I learn how to do it? You know, out of kindness?

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 13:24:51

yyyyyaaaaaayy Friday afternoon.

Great news re boob Flopsy. Love the Dysoning.

Alibabs I feel your pain. We had a YEAR "between contracts" once. <OH MY CHRIST>

I am living on a knife's edge today by sending DS3 (off school yesterday with temperature) on his 8am-6pm school trip an hour's away. He's Calpoled up & they've taken it with them & I haven't had a call yet. It was a real head v heart decision but he'd been on all week about how it was like waiting for Christmas, he was so excited. So I went for it & am hoping for the best.

Oh & thanks Jess P for the Rochefort pic. Obvs he will be featuring on various lists except the Team Aramis one smile

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 13:28:53

Hope he is ok sparkle x
Ds2 is now coughing up gunk (sorry for the tmi at lunchtime ladies)
I am so fed up of illness.
Took the insurance form to be signed by the gp this morning...sad

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 13:31:33

Hope the insurance gets sorted quickly Badders. Poor you & your family, you'll get there eventually, just hang in there.

Haha! Love Dyson. I also thought it was deliberate and made complete sense grin Great news Flops! wine

Malapropism - word of day award for Elk! grin

<googles malapropism definition>

So we have holiday departures, two ds parties, a sleepover <bites nails, soothes Comtess> a toddler party - HAPPY BIRTHDAY btw Littlest Norah, a dh sorting garage out, the TWATS updated, and a poss rewatch on Sunday.

It's all go eh!

Have you sorted out your menu yet Comtess?

Yeah for Flopsy's pus filled cyst! Glad your boob is now better Flops.

Mrs Beee if you are reading this.... sod off and do some packing! and have a lovely holiday. smile

Waves at lurker (we know who you are Jess P!)

grin at fighty Athos queue. I'm registering an early interest in Rochefort so I don't miss that option completely.

Little Norah - have fun at your party! Big Norah - have a big glass of red when it's all over or during... whatever!

brew Ali and Badders for uncertainty in your lives. HOpe all resolved quickly.

All other wenches I've forgotten to mention - I'm sorry, it's 'cause I'm so dozy I can't remember past the current page of the thread.

in other news - no sound from the bats/cats/mice/giant mutant rats in the loft last night so they've either broken through and are preparing to eat me or have fled the nest. I do wonder if they are bats actually as they are very quiet during the day and there are a lot flying round the garden at night.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 14:06:02

Jesus sparkle <goes pale> Our worst was 8 weeks over Christmas 2012/13. DH had only been contracting a year so we didn't have a huge amount saved up. Was really scary. We're better prepared these days, but I still get nervous!

Hugs badders all sounds horrid.

Elk what is this rota thing you are talking about with Athos? I thought we were all very relaxed about timings and just, you know, jumped in when we felt like it? Its the other lot who have to know which hour day is theirs grin

AnotherHelenB Fri 27-Jun-14 14:08:59

Ok, off for lunch and screen-free time (chickens need cleaning out - oh the joys).

Will catch up over the weekend (hopefully) with any further mayhem - have promised DH a computer-free night. (withdrawal shakes setting are in in anticipation....)

Badders good luck with insurance and gunky DS2, hope all holidaying/partying Wenches have a good time. Oooooooooooooh thunder rumble. May not be cleaning out the chickens right this minute...
<Takes shelter in the Inn for a while. Do we do food here btw? We ought to, I can't be arsed making lunch. On the other hand, a virtual Inn meal isn't going to fill me up in RL>

<stops wittering>
<signs out>

Stinkle Fri 27-Jun-14 14:19:05

Afternoon all!

Just marking my place on the new thread. A bit meh and not very wenchy at the moment.

Have a lovely weekend all!


ah Stinkle - feel better soon I hope.

Sparkle - if you've not had a call by now he's probably ok.

Nobody cares about TB being in Utopia then? Anyone looked at the link I posted? anyone?

Rewatch on Sunday should be fun. Chapter 3 - fun for all the wench groups (except me - little or no Treville as I recall sad) so I give you due warning <channels Milady> I will be joining Team Athos for the duration.
<oi! shove over you lot!>

Plus ..... dah dah! TWATS coming soon to a red carpet near you!

who was it saying nothing was happening?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 14:31:30

trev I guess we can make room for you <hammers extra plank onto Team Athos' bench>

DH has just phoned, he's been offered a different contract starting next week - better rate and location, contract on it's way. Phew. wine

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 14:42:49

Rotas?, who said anything about rotas??

What I ackshully said was "MINE"

<sing songy voice, dances around Tav>


Yay....I made word of the day <proud> grin

Oh that's great news Alibabs. Shame about the garage though eh! <crosses garage off to do list>

Trev - I need to get laptop out and fully appreciate ALL links posted in past week. Unfortunately, I have dd and friend duties for rest if day. Bug I will be on it tmw. thanks

So, can we have roll call of all wenches due to be MIA for a while. Save us doing the dazed and confused, wondering around muttering to ourselves for days, about where so and so is?....

MrsB - Departs: tonight/tmw. MIA ? Wks. Wifi:unlikely Return:

Lyndie- Departs: ? MIA ? Wks. Wifi: ? Return:?

Trev - Departs: ? MIA: ? Wks Wifi: ? Return: ?

Any others? Sorry, I know you have all given more details, but I can't remember exactly who was what, and MrsB only on there because she said hers earlier today.

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 14:44:16

Trev I bought the first series of Utopia based on your link.....surely you must have known that, telepathically or something.....duh! hmm



grin - officially it's not my place to award that title. But I'm guessing you would get <yes like that> <parp>

That last comment was to Elk btw grin ffs! I'd be dangerous if brain was engaged today grin


You. Would. Get. It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Stinkers - <parp parp> thanks wine

thanks Ali grin <whispers for the other Team Athos wenches> just pretend I'm Mrs Beee for the evening.

Glad to hear about contract - phew! good news. Does he have to work away for that? (don't answer if it will out you obvs). Mine's just back today from a week away (an occasional thing for us, not that often) and I rather like it! (the being away and the coming back. wink Easier for me though as the DS are teenagers and fairly self reliant (apart from the continual taxi service I provide!)

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 14:51:06

I graciously accept it....couldn't give a fuck who bestows it grin

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 15:03:01

Can I hang my washing out NOW? Can I?

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 15:05:16

I have just been to Tesco's & bought the ingreds to make 50 chocolate fudge coconut brownies. That's an hour before my Tesco shop is delivered. I have also bought French sticks & a rotisseries chicken for dinner. Comtess your nutritionist friend will be banishing me to hell as I type.


Elk - Telepathic connection? Awww! Does that mean I'm on Team Athos now as well as Team Treville? grin <lights blue touch paper and waits for Hannah to go crazy possessive.>

Talking of which Hannah - I'm going nowhere for another 4 weeks but then I'm gone for 4/5 weeks to the land of no wifi. sad

Did Lurky say she was off somewhere? I hope she hasn't gone forever......! Unless she is actually Jess Pope and has gone back to Lurking. hmmmm! suspicious. shock

Sparkle - my washing is hung inside 'cause although it's not rained it's fricking freezing and very damp.

Steak night here in honour of the return of the DH. Steak, mushrooms and chips. protein, whatever is in mushrooms, carbohydrate, gallon of melted fat ice cream to wash it down. Balanced meal! grin

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 15:15:21

Oi I haven't gone yet Trev. Fuck off back to the Treville chair queue. You can impersonate me tomorrow. I would have read the utopia thing but I'M PACKING. I therefore have packing rage as DH is an idiot at times like this. Just sent him off to garage to fill car with petrol and check tires etc. instructions to take DC to playpark on way back. Much better.....

I'm gone 2 weeks. Back Sat 12th. Will try and camp out in cafe with wifi etc when I can but prob no chance to RTFT, just check in. Not even sure I'll get a mobile signal where the house is. We are west coast of Ireland in what seems to be the remotest bit. Promise to come back <marks place in Athos queue. Side eyes Trev>

Elk in our house if you play the mine mine mine card like that the toy in dispute gets confiscated <takes Athos away from Elk>. You can have him back when you are prepared to share never NEVER

Stinkle Fri 27-Jun-14 15:15:49

I've been doing the Hokey Cokey with my washing all day. I've given up and stuffed it in the tumble drier. Blue skies and sunshine now typically

Have a houseful of DD2's friends at the moment, they're trying to convince me to let them camp out in the garden tonight. I fear resistance is futile. They all arrived bearing Loom bands

bbc just tweeted this from shooting series 2 .... so for all of you not following me on twitter WTFN? and here it is.

MrsB Yeah, because YOU know EVERYTHING about SHARING don't you? wink

lyndie Fri 27-Jun-14 16:08:38

En route to airport hotel. We leave tomorrow morning at an awful hour. Very naice hotel in Canaries, wifi definitely in lobby, not sure about rooms. Back next Saturday but will be going on dirty night away with DH sans DC and then some camping trips hopefully but will be in Scotland and will have 3G.

Who's looking after D'Artagnan for me?

Still haven't watched episode 4.

Mavis DH says butane is a cleaner flame and more stable but not so good at colder temperatures, the small bottle should do you a couple of trips unless you've got loads of cooking to do!

Well done holiday wenches. We'll stick it on the MIA post it notes spreadsheet.

Safe journies to all. Hope you have lovely, relaxing times.

Trev, am I following you baaaa on Twatter? I think I am aren't I? <doubts everything>

<sniggers to self that all the arguing wenches haven't yet noticed they're fighting over fake Athos, ordered from Malcolm sex doll site>

<rides on off into sunset with the real deal>

Eat dirt bitches wenches........ wink

Am going comms free for few hrs. I'm a twat and forgot to charge phone before leaving house on a secret mission to liberate Athos' sword from his pants it's sheath.

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 16:50:51

Afternoon wenches.

Excellent news Flopsy. Happy Birthday MiniTwit.

Am feeling all kinds of shite still. Keep feeling better, then bleurgh. Currently in the bleurgh stage. Friend at work was sick was she got home. Other friend at work also feeling like crap.

I am making tea for the DC and hope DH will be home soon.

<waves to other wenches from a safe distance>

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 16:55:01

Little does Hannah realise, she's run off with one of the cloned Athos'..........yes, we finally got our act together in the science lab with the help of this man


However, they aren't quite the finished product, and unfortunately we've discovered these ones explode on orgasm blush

<applies cream to burnt nethers>

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 16:57:09

Who are you on Twitter Trev ? give us a clue

<wonders how she managed to acquire 2 degrees>

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 17:01:08

Am watching the tennis - anyone else realised how much Jo Wilfried Tsonga looks like Porthos?

lyndie have a good time!

Am jealous of holidaying wenches. 4 weeks today we leave, can't wait.

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 17:06:23

Enjoy holidays to the holidaying wenches.

DH always said Tsonga looks like Ali. Now he calls him Porthos grin. He also, cos he's so hilarious, makes comments about why is Tsonga running round France pretending to be a musketeer. It's a wonder I ever get anything done for all the laughing.

ApricotCrush Fri 27-Jun-14 17:18:24

Back from The Cock, slightly pissed. I shouldn't drink at lunchtime as it gives me a headache.

TW I read that article about Utopia last night about 10 minutes before you posted, we really are getting telepathic in here. I also downloaded the App for 4OD and will watch when I get time.

I have RTFT but can't remember anything else, except various holidays, parties etc. so hope all goes well. <must start taking notes>

My SIL who likes Dog says she saw a BBC advert on TV about a week ago for TM Series 2. She said it wasn't anything to do with the footie. Why would they be doing that now? Did anyone else see it? BIL confirmed she wasn't hallucinating. grin

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 17:26:31

I think they must have been having a synched dream Apricot. There's no way that wouldn't have found its way onto twitter. And you're right, WTH would they be advertising it now??

In Twitter news, I think I may actually scream if AllFours tweets another Snowpiercer pic to Luca.

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 17:27:35

Have a good hol Lyndie! And you too Mrs Beeeee if you don't get back on here due to Post Packing Stress Disorder

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 17:30:23

If there's a suspicion JP keeps popping in for a look



Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 17:45:26

Yeah, you tell 'em letus!!!

alibab, I nearly choked the other day but managed to casually enquire about that tennis player...DH was must unhelpful. Cheers! Phoooaaaar! He'd get it til his tennistennis dropped off.

Thanks for all the kind thoughts about my boob. . You dirty lot!

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 17:47:07

That'd be brilliant LetUS, they've missed a trick there

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 17:56:34

Flopsy, may I suggest keeping an eye out for Felciano Lopez. He's been around for a good number of years and was always rather nice, but has definitely improved with age. There's also a player called Dustin Brown. He's out of the singles but is still in the doubles.

ApricotCrush Fri 27-Jun-14 18:37:35

This just popped up on my Google Alerts. It's nothing new to us, but nice to know they are keeping the series out there in people's minds.


Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 18:49:02
Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 19:02:19


Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 19:07:55

OMG Flops look at that <swoon>

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 19:09:37

LetUs that made me laugh about your DH. Mine is similarly fucking dull amusing when he has a bee in his bonnet about something he thinks is funny. grin

Have had [champagne] and wine to celebrate new contract, and the fact that it's Friday. Am a bit squiffy.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 19:24:46

I'm looking alibab! I'm bloody looking. I would.....I'm first in the queue. I'll have him on monday, Wednesday, friday and Sunday when norah has Porthos.

WW Now that MrsB is out of the way, I'm all yours my little Swedish meatball. Let me pleasure you in every way possible wink

lyndie Fri 27-Jun-14 19:26:54


DH forgot his wallet so has had to drive home and get it! Only an hour, he'll be back by 9ish but what a twit!

Have got a mini bottle of wine and tennis on. Trying to persuade the DC in the interconnecting room that they do want to go to sleep now!

LetUs hope you're feeling better soon [no emoticon but maybe flat coke or electrolade]

lyndie Fri 27-Jun-14 19:27:37

And congrats Ali you must be delighted wine

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 19:31:06

Aww thanks Lyndie. I do indeed have some flat coke. We are as one in mind grin

I am watching the tennis. I am trying not to throw something at the TV because of Castle on the commentary. Fortunately, he is being outweighed by Henman and McEnroe.

Wicked - you're attempting to lure Athos away from the other Athos wenches? Hahahahaha.

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 19:31:55

Excellent word "squiffy"

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 19:36:26

WW sorry love, but he's far too much of a gentleman and is too terrified of understands the pecking order.

Have some appelkaka instead smile <PA RBF>

PA RBF??? confused

Oh, and enjoy fake Athos sex doll wink

He is with ME grin

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 19:41:35

Passive aggressive resting bitch face.

I think you might have one of the exploding clones. Keep an extinguisher handy wink

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 19:42:16

<passes wicked witch some flame retardent pants>

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 19:43:00

Evening wenches!

Have a lovely holiday MrsB and lyndie - we shall miss you and openly muse about how you're getting on whilst you are away shan't give you a second thought, esp Athos queue types

Great news to hear about vacuumed boob Floppers I did actually think you meant Dyson <adopts tone of own mother "It's amazing what they can do now adays> <sage nod>

Thanks for the tips re camping gas. I've been to Aldi today and stocked up on more Camping Stuff. I only have a small car, at this rate I might not be able to take the children on holiday, just the Camping Stuff.

Oh, and have completely fallen off the bootcamp wagon. Have had brie and oatcakes for tea and am on second glass of wine <don't tell Comtess's nutritionist friend>

Elk Thanks for the äppelkaka btw, but I'm already munching away on some Athos sausage wink

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 19:52:03

It's really quite astounding what the shitepad will think you're trying to type....I mean, Dyson FFS.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 19:56:46

LEtUs she's trying never gonna work

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 19:57:01

Let's get pissed and go out mooning! Who's up for it????

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 19:59:22

Also, why can't Ed Sheeran fuck off?

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 19:59:32

<puts hand up>

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 19:59:36

I'm assuming a hot water bottle isn't compatible with mooning? <cold>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:00:43

I quite like Ed Sheeran

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 20:08:35

Who's Ed Sheeran?

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 27-Jun-14 20:10:24

Flopsy shock I like a bit of ginger rug too but Ed Sheeran?!

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:12:28

Not as a sex object, I like his music! Although I am partial to a ginge.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Fri 27-Jun-14 20:17:10

<takes advantage of squiffy alibab>

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 20:17:21


Oh, Wicked <fake empathetic noises> I did warn you darlin' <shakes head>




fire extinguisher

Ok, you interupted us,

<goes back to previous activity>

Oh....yeah.....Athos.......just there......dooooooo iiiiiittttttt...........oh...god......that's.......<ragged intake of breath>.........sooooo.........good............yes.............. yes ................ YEEAAASSSSSS......... aaaaaahhh!

<lights a Marlboro>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 20:23:55

RIGHT! I'm a bit tipsy and D he has gone out to play with his friends.

Who wants an erotic story?

Flopsy you can have first one, but next to post gets one too. BUT you have to give me one name and three keywords that you want to be involved.

Are you having a seizure Elk

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:29:22

Hang on malc, let me get this straight. You're writing me an erotic story then who gets one?nand do I need to give you a name and 3words?

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 20:29:39

I see they've confirmed Dr Who start date. We go camping that day. Looks like I won't be losing my DW virginity any time soon then...

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:29:51

<opens more wine to get in the mood>

I'm ready!

And smoking really isn't good for you Elk <looking concerned>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:38:09

Hang the fuck on malc you already owe me a Porthos one for the other day when you went cold turkey. sad
Hi every one. Hope you've had a good day. I'm alright. <sniff>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:38:56

When is it floppers?

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 20:39:00

Well done Sparks! <huge wenchy snog> Your mention of Doctor Who made me go on the BBC web site to see what date it starts which led me to realise The Day of the Doctor was on last week which then led me to realise that I had 77 minutes left to start watching it on iPlayer.

I haven't seen it since last November so thank you <another snog>

David Tennant......<rubs hands, pours wine>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:40:04

When is what norah confused

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 20:43:20

Neither's banging a 17th century sex god....but ho hum

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:44:25

Dr who?

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:45:07

Someone's got to do it eh elk?

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 20:46:26





Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:46:53

No idea norah, that's malc's field of expertise.....I'm just sitting here stark bollock naked waiting for my bedtime story wink

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 20:46:55



MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 20:48:13


Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:48:24

Stop falling apart into a puddle of wench malcolm <full name = cross teacher> and get my bloody story posted.

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 20:49:13


MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 20:50:07

Every part of my body that can leak water is leaking water and my heart is pounding HELP ME

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:51:13

<slaps malc>
Don't leave a girl and her tits hanging!

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 20:52:04

have they deliberately put him in black and red a la cardinal?

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:52:32

Get in line floppers I'm first.

But you take your time, get it right yeah malc. And I'm not sharing.
<gets out angry eyes>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:54:29

Who are you? Mr Potato head?
<takes norahs angry eyes and swaps them for two extra noses>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:55:09

23rd august that's aaaaages away.
Life is boring again.

Ah, don't mind me I'm in a meh mood.

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:56:08

<puts on sad eyes>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 20:57:30

VOWelfivubwelivufhwdliufvhdwliufvbwldifuvbwldihbfvwldihfbvwdlihvfblwdihfvbwldih blaidhf balding lwdijb LWDKFJB LWDKFJB badly fun wldfijbwdflij BWLDKJ bdalih BWDLKJCD lwdijb dibs aldjb keen ojebvoejfb kerb ojebvoejfb ojebvoejfb ojebvoejfb dojo beojfb Q

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 20:58:20


Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 20:59:22

Oh hell, <packs noses away and replaces with luscious lips>
You have a story then, I can't bear a damsel in distress.

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:00:32

David Tennant is Fucking Gorgeous! Put that man in leather. Immediately. <sigh>

As you were.

Is MTM having a PC mealtdown again? Should we do something?

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 21:03:12
MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:06:25

Ah. Not quite what I had in mind. a bit like Luca in his towel Er, .... get that man in a brown pinstripe suit. Immediately. <sigh>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 21:06:54

Norah I MEANT NORAH not Flopsy fucking heeeeeeeelllll. I can't DO A THING. YOURE ALL THE SAME

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:09:54

You bloody turncoat malc
<pokes head back in>
Can I be next please? Mwah

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:10:54

<knocks mave out if the way>

MadamedeChevreuse Fri 27-Jun-14 21:12:35

Yeuhhhh! <bleaches eyes>

Wft was that david Tennant pic about??

Hahaha youre all being v funny tonight.

Me and dp are going for a retry of booking our holiday tonight. <breaks into cold sweat> <dons tin hat>

Wish me luck wenches. Ill see you on the other side.

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:13:04

This is more like it....
<Rugby tackles Floppers><cops a feel whilst at it>

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:13:59

Good luck Madam - if all else fails, kick him in the balls. <practical>

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 21:15:01

Good luck Madame.

How about this one Mavis?

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 21:15:52

no. No. No Nooooo.

1. I started writing an erotic story
2. It is for Norah not you Flopsy but I got muddled up with names!
3. It's all gone to shit now because I HAVE TURNED INSIDE OUT VIA MY OWN VAGINA.
4. Fgfhlwefiuvvldwfijvblwdifjbvlwdifjbvlwidjfbvldqifjbvdwlijfbvliwdjfbvklwd

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:17:01

That's more like it LetUs <sigh>

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:17:52

I had a sort of sex dream about the T. rex in toy story once...
Such a good job no one has ever analysed my dreams.
There is some weird shit going in in my subconscious hmm

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:19:36

Holiday talk <winces>
I don't think we will be going anywhere tbh.
Mum being a PA old bitch ATM.
Think dh and fil taking ds1 to Paris for 3 days.
I will see if I can coerce sil to come to London with ds2 and I...

MadamedeChevreuse Fri 27-Jun-14 21:20:39

malc be my PAL...and tell me...am I a good wench? <sinister>

MadamedeChevreuse Fri 27-Jun-14 21:20:48

malc be my PAL...and tell me...am I a good wench? <sinister>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:21:27

Jeez badders, you need to perve on the boys more to get better dreams.

mavis, madame, I am actually serious about that pic of DT, am I weird? I love that look. Look how tight those trews are.

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:24:56

I worry about you Flopsy, I really do....

Hi Badders - hope you manage to get away for a bit. smile

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:25:09

Did I mention I have not had 1 Pervy Musketeer dream?
Not a solitary fucking one!
I can dream about being at the dentists and Elliot Gould (the actor) coming in the room with a shotgun and shooting me and all my teeth falling out....oh yes, I can do that
But a dream about Athos and aramis double dipping me?
Oh no.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:31:10

Someone's got to mave.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:34:21

This may possibly be my favourite man on the planet.....
And in a waistcoat hhhhnnnnnngggggggg!!!

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 21:37:28

Ahhh Flops. At a dinner party a couple of weeks ago are were discussing Johnny Depp having gone off the boil. Him & Brad Pitt.

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 21:39:14


Oh he's WELL Weegie. This is hilarious because last year we had a delivery of a running machine from Argos. Anyway delivery men were utter wankers and refused to take it up our drive because they said the trees were too low. They just dumped it there and told me I'd have to sort it out myself. Our driveway is about 400 metres long. They we the most obnoxious pair of Weegie fucktards I have ever had the unfortunate experience to encounter. One of them kept calling me "Pal" and finally I went ballistic at him, and eventually got his boss on the phone. So a little bit of me wants to punch The Doctor right now for Clara's sake...

I did end up with £100 of Argos vouchers as an "apology" though, so managed to forgive Argos.



<wets self>

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 21:39:14

I've always liked the idea of Johnny Depp IYSWIM but no

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 21:40:08

I've dreamt about us with the musketeers and the horrible histories guys, and an actual sexytime dream with Athos. There was smell, touch and taste, it was soooo real. <vomits in mouth a bit at the memory>
Lots if dreams about other men though. Bit only when I'm OTH.

Oh, ok malc although I don't like they whole 'you all look the same' thing there. Bit rude.

floppers are you drunk? Or is it the pain relief? Have you finished your reports yet?

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:41:51

Ooh him so envy
Was it ben willbond and jim howick?
I so fucking would...

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 21:41:58

What's a wedgie? A weenie? A weegie?

I left the auto correct versions there for you. Arf

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 21:42:44

All of them. They were hilarious. So were we, obviously grin

Badvoc2 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:44:19

Were they "in character?"
Please tell me they were all dressed as either
A) Vikings
B) roman soldiers or
C) ww2 airmen
<faints with lust>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:47:17

I am not that drunk so sod off! Johnny Depp is the ultimate for me. He is an amazing actor and looks FAF dressed as anything -- but he'd get it hard as a pirate--.

It's fine though because I can have him all day every day if you lot <sneer> can't see the appeal.
<flounces> <again> <bores self>

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:47:57

I FUCKING LOVE DOCTOR WHO! The whole 13 doctors stuff in this episode makes me grin like a loon. Ah well, I'm 'appy pissed

Oh yes to HH types. Would shag them too. I had a thread on here about HH last year, mid way through I'd been to London to see a play and had accidently stood next to Laurie without realising it was him until later. hmm

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 27-Jun-14 21:47:59

Badders I've never had a Musketeer dream either, am so jealous of these lot who have them all the time envy

DT in the leather with the eyeliner. I so would, flops where is that picture from? Also like the pinstripe DW look, but those leather trousers blush

That ^^ picture of Johnny Depp he is gorgeous, but increasingly he isn't these days, also Brad Pitt - yuck although I've never been a fan.

However the person who is getting better with age is Robert Downey Junior. He would not get out the room in one piece if I got my hands on him.

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:49:28

FUCKING TOM BAKER! Oh, I'm a happy wench this evening. Hugs self <not like that>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 21:52:05

I'd even do them dressed as the incas. Srsly. Lolz

We put the songs on from YouTube ssssh all the time. I miss it actually.

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 21:52:06

Bleeuurrrgghhh, fucking Tom Baker? No thanks Mavis

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:53:27

God YES alibab <over hugs> RDJ, JD and HC all together, in minimal leather and eyeliner.....<drifts off> bare chested of course! tight trews! lots of leather and straps.....oooooh goooooooooood <Jarvis>
<changes pants>

LetUsPrey Fri 27-Jun-14 21:53:51

Well, tis my night with Aramis so I'm off to the chateau with him.

I am recording Paella on BBC3 to watch at my leisure. Alone. In private.

Night wenches.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:54:15

Stupid stupid shitepad just ruined the dream by putting fecking !!!!!! Every-fecking-where.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:57:04

Right malc, where's my poor norah's story hmm? I'm she's soooo ready for it.

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 21:57:34

I've just been reading on Twitter some of the fenches telling Jess P what to do & not do with the new time slot slant on Season 2 hmm It got me thinking....THAT'S when we'll know if she's been lurking. What clues should we look for? Obvs the chicken coop. Maybe another completely gratuitous belt unbuckling. What else will tell us, beyond all reasonable doubt?

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 21:58:29

Well, not actually fucking Tom Baker. Not even in about 1976. However I was very pleased to see him <no hint of sonic in my pocket> and it confirms to me just how much I love Doctor Who. Fancying The Doctor is a bonus. I just love the whole Mad Man in a Blue Box thing. <sighs> <again> <like a 1950s science geek>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 21:59:43

Another cutlery fighty scene, more wet santi, gratuitous bandaging of chests, snarky Athos obvs, drunk Porthos shagging over the chicken coop...
The list goes on sparkle

Sparklegeek Fri 27-Jun-14 22:04:25

I tell you what would be the best thing ever. If we just saw them stroll down the street into The Swagger Inn hostelry. Honestly, we WOULD all actually wet ourselves. Jess P I beg you - doooooooooo itttttt

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 22:04:58

Norah what do you want me to call your vagina? For the story. You chose the word!

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 22:07:45

She's got 50,000+ posts to choose from...in fairness, it's unlikely to involves general laundry, constipation, childcare issues, wifi coverage, vermin, matters pertaining to modern education or online dating.

Although, on reflection, it might contain vermin.

AnneElkMiss Fri 27-Jun-14 22:08:40

I'm wel jel of Norah's Athos dream....the only Musketeer fream I had was when you all locked me in the car, you fuckers.

And she didn't even want it envy

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 22:08:53

Norah - now there's a question you never thought you'd be asked...!

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 22:09:33

Hurry up Norah I'm on a flow!

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:15:44

Growler <shrugs>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:21:21

Oops, killed thread.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:25:35

Boak! Why did nobody stop me! realises she didn't tell anyone she was going to do it but still!

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 22:26:56

Just caught up. Laughing. Laughing a lot. <might be the wine a bit>

Flops did I say brilliant news for earlier? Did like the Dysoning too. James Dyson should look into it as a new development. If he can make hand dryers amazing fun (when pissed obv) then he should be able to crack puss and cyst squeezing technology. Dyson Homesquirt or something similar? But am very relieved, you have had enough shit to deal with lubber.

I love Tom Baker too Mavis. But in a mad eccentric uncle type way, not in a shagging way. Not ever. Yes yes yes to David Tennant (though not in leather with eyeliner) but no to Johnny Depp UNLESS he is a pirate. Or the bloke in Chocolate. Then I so would. Brad Pitt far too pretty.

Malc hurry up with the porn. It has to last me two whole weeks love, I need it quickly 'k.

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 22:26:58

A growler will often do that <conversational>

I'm watching the second half of The Aviator. There is no one to fancy <disappointed> Good story though. And I'd quite happily be Katherine Hepburn (or, indeed Cate Blanchett)

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:29:20

Shit, Paolo just came <arf> on telly and I actually groaned out loud! DH said "what's up love" shows how often he hears me groan like that

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Fri 27-Jun-14 22:32:06

Robert Downey Junior - you know that scene on Iron Man 3? where his shit hot modern fucking house get blown up in ensuing battle. That my fellow wenches is how we would leave things once we were done.

Flops great news on boobs. <hands over absinthe.. Down the hatch>

Badders - good news regrinp. please try not to stress. Easier said than done I know.

<leaves bottle of absinthe and glasses on the bar for any brave wench who fancies waking up face down in the mud a la Porthos tomorrow morning>

Very little interesting stuff going on here but having a nice exhausting time with DC etc. day one if DH leaves and I haven't stabbed him in the eye with a screwdriver so all in all a successful day.

Happy birthday to all the DC (all DSs) me thinks.


<stumbles off possibly having drunk too much absinthe already>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 22:33:28

Agreed mrsb wrt JD. Oooooohhhhhh yes. BP, nope no no.

malc I'm sorry I was sorting The Toddler. Go with your intuition or flopsy's growler. <fnar>
This is turning into one of those Friday evenings isn't it?

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:35:00

Cheers anne, I now have a pleasingly deflated boob. You would have found it soooo satisfying.

mrsbeee you get the most fondles and snogs off me for being simultaneously funny, supportive and all-round fab wench. <deep tongue snog>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:36:28

I love these Fridays norah <tongues her for good measure>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:37:09

Not there norah.... Pull your pants up.

MavisGrind Fri 27-Jun-14 22:37:43

Right my lovelies, I'm off to bed.

Watching the Aviator it reminds me that I used to quite fancy Hawkeye from M*A*S*H. I was an odd teenager Great days.

Night all.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:39:26

Night mave

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 22:43:14

I LOVED Hawkeye!! (It was my Mum's fault, she fancied the arse off him so we watched it all the time) I still have a slight thing for Alan Alda. He is 78 blush so not really sure I would now....

<takes full advantage of Flopsy being up for fondling> grin

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 22:43:25

right here you go Norah NOT Flopsy. It's not as smutty as the Cardinal one but I've got Who Brain now so tough shit.

Norah had been working in the Parisian Tavern for the last year. A talented seamstress by trade, she was trying to make ends meet by working at night whilst trying to prove her worth by day. Her ambission was to work for the Royal Palace but it was a highly competitive position and jobs came up infrequently. Se was forever hopeful that one day she would somehow manage to make it, but knew it would take a lot of hard work and late nights.

Saturday night at the Tavern always proved to be particularly busy and volatile atmosphere. This particular evening things were incredibly rowdy as both the Red Guards and The Musketeers had been on duty following a royal procession through the main streets of Paris. The wine was running low now and some of the Red Guards were starting to get slightly rowdy. Norah could handle the drunken men at the best of times but even this evening she was starting to feel a little unnerved.

She walked between the tables filling up the tankards as requested. At one particular table there sat several of the King's Musketeers one of them in particular caught her eye as she kept returning to the table. Tall, dark, and particularly muscular he had a very wide and mischievous and child like grin with deep dimples and soft brown eyes. He looked her up and down every time yet his glances were not letcherous unlike those of some of the other regulars whose admiration would make her squirm.

Norah needed to fetch the remaining bottles of wine from the wine cellar. It wasn't far from the bar but she had to fight her way through the crowds of men who were becoming rather rowdy. Suddenly her path became blocked and she was only aware of the hot and drunken breath of one of the guards in her face. Trying not to show her discomfort she asked him to move out of her way and when he didn't respond she started to feel a little nervous. "please I do not want to make a fuss! but can you let me past" she asked. His arm was pressed up against the wall and he started to enclose himself on her. She turned her head away in repulsion as he began to breathe onto her neck. Suddenly he screamed she kept back. Looking at his hand against the wall it was now pinned into the wood with a dagger. She turned her head in the other direction and standing there glowering at the guard was the handsome Musketeer she had seen earlier. "leave the lady alone." He marched up to the guard who was struggling to break free. The Musketeer grabbed him by the lapels and hit him with a powerful blow in the face. "Men like you make me sick" the guard fell slip upped against the wall, the force from his fall ripping his hand from the wall. The Musketeer pulled out his dagger, returning it to it's sheath and grimaced at the man lying before him. He turned to Norah and led her away.

"Porthos" he said introducing himself to Norah taking her hand and kissing her gently on the back of it looking deeply into her with his soft brown eyes the whole time. She felt a glowing sensation deep inside her at his touch. "Norah" she replied. Feeling lost for a moment she felt she should explain that normally she can handle those situations but that she was pleased he had been there to help her.

He assisted her to the wine cellar. "Now don't think because you are coming con here with me that you will be getting free wine!" She exclaimed with a sudden change of tone in her voice as they entered the dark room lit up only by candle light. He smiled at her with a look that told her that it was not the wine he was going in there to help her with. The candles lit up the side of his face. He was a handsome robust man but had the scars of battles on his face. For such a young man he seemed to have the appearance of someone much older. Pythias more experienced. She could feel herself clenching as their gazes caught one another. Slowly and gently he put out his hand and stroked the side of her face. "You know a beautiful woman like you is too good to work in a place like this" Norah sighed. The pit of her stomach swirling as she felt her womanly arousal flash through her body from her nipples to her desperately yurning womanhood.

He lent forwards and softly and gently kissed her lips. She was surprised at just how gentle he was for such a strong and noble man. They pulled apart and smiled at one another. He then smiled in that way she had earlier seen and let out a deep longing groan, then reaching for her again kissing her more deeply and intensely. His hands ran through her hair as his tongue flickered in and out of her mouth and his beautiful plump lips opened and closed with hers. Deeper and harder he kissed her, his strong arms embracing her body and sweeping her backwards off her feet. Breathing fast and deeply they carried on, he now moving her backwards towards a table filled with bottles and tankards.they reached the table and he stopped kissing her. He looked in her eyes and let out a seductive chuckle. "You have no idea how much you have aroused me Norah" he said. Looking at her he grabbed her hand and pressed it hard against his trousers. Despite the thickness and the leather Norah gasped with the size of his very aroused state beneath them. At the same time she felt herself moisten touching him. He leant forwards to the table and with one arm he cleared the surface. Bottles smashed all around them and as he picked her up and sat her on the table the force pushed it against the wall. Candles fell to the ground and as the light changed she caught him undoing his belt and dropping his trousers to the floor and exposing the giant erection that had been strapped down by all that leather. Desperately she grabbed him, and started moving her hand up and down his enormous length. She felt him stiffening against her strokes and breathing deeper. Looking into her eyes he hungrily hitched her skirt up, ripping away her undergarments and exposing her to himself. He touched her as she continued to move her hand up and down his length, both of them now pleasuring each other faster and faster. Suddenly he moved his hand and plunged his erect penis deep in side her. She gasped out loud at his enormity as it drove deep into her swirling pussy. Again and again he thirsted deeper and harder, the table trembling with his force, the sound of bottles and glass crunching and smashing. He was grunting so hard now right in her ear and she was gasping with every giving thrust.

Harder and harder he got. She could feel herself warming from her feet up her legs towards the centre of her womanly being. The glow was intense and it kept building. This was a pleasure she had never felt before her eyes widened and her hands grasped the edge of the table to steady herself against his force. She could feel her legs starting to twitch as she built up to the most intensive orgasm she had ever experienced and she screamed out loud as she came, her pussy clenching around his giant erection as the euphoric sensation pulsating through her body. Again the feeling built up as she experienced the whole thing again, only this time Porthos came with such vigour and force that the front of the table collapsed and only the sheer force of his thrusting orgasmic pelvis kept her pinned against the wall and for that second she had become the hand of the red guard that became embedded by Porthos's dagger in the wood earlier. For a moment the stood perched and catching their breath. Finally he withdrew from her, and with a satisfied smile he stroked the side of her face and gently kissed her lips again.

As her breathing returned and she managed to gather her thoughts she suddenly remembered why she had gone into the wine cellar. Fastening and straightening their clothes back to normal, Porthos took her hand and said "please allow me to assist you with your task although I think perhaps the wine may have actually been accidentally finished" he gestured to the broken bottles on the floor. She sighed. "you know.." She said, "I don't even like working here". He smiled at her chuckling deeply and hand in hand they walked towards the door of the cellar through the bar and out of the Tavern doors into the Parisian night.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Fri 27-Jun-14 22:43:26

Watching The Aviator sent me to sleep. That and Tarantino. <odd wench>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 22:44:23

Well, at the risk of missing all the fun, I think I'm Orf. I imagine The Toddler will not stop coming in to me in the middle of the night just because he is three now so needs must.

floppers you is well norty innit.

ILYA, especially YOU. Yes, you.
Xx, <yes there>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 22:45:58

Oh and soz you never got any titty action.

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 22:46:34

And now yore FUCKING OFF TO BED!

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 22:47:07

<goes off and watches DW trailer another 6,000 times>

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 22:47:45

That does make me wonder. If I can remember all of my Mum's crushes from when I was a kid (Alan Alda, David Soul, Kenny Rodgers, David Essex and Cliff fecking Richard) then my DC must have sussed mine. With the exception of Cliff I still have a fond thing for all of them that Mum perved at. At least I can be sure DD will have good taste (and DS too if he is inclined) - she will be watching TB in stuff in years to come grin

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 22:48:43

Oooo porn time! BRB <reads and reads and reads>

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Fri 27-Jun-14 22:49:38

Malc - that was great. I liked how you got aggression but niceness there. <more applause for clit lit wenches>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 22:57:05


Epic xpost.



<packs bags and heads to malc's>
Get ready I'm coming for you

I was reading it and this is what I was like.
smile grin grin grin sad grin grin blush blush grin blush grin grin

It brought tears to my eyes, in good way. Thank you so much I always knew you were my favourite but now I don't care who else knows it too wink
<limbers up ready to give malc a damn good seeing to> That should be damn good shag (BC reference there letus) but unless you what me to bring the strap on I can't.

I genuinely feel a bit weepy. No I don't. I do
I luffs you, I really really do.

I will re read it over and over and carry on gushing tomorrow if I may. Thank you.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 22:57:15

Crikey malc, mr Flopsy <realises this doesn't sound promising> is getting it tonight! I love my norah's story.

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 22:58:32

<whispers hoarsely>
He keeps saying my name.....

MrsBeeee Fri 27-Jun-14 22:59:18

You should write more fan fic porn Malc. That was very good. So much so I may have to go drag DH to bed. Got the RH now.

Like the hand analogy. And how caring he was but still like Anne said an aggressive fuck.

Yep....off to bed. Be back when I can. Will miss wenching, I proper will. ILYA xxxxxx <<non ironic ones.

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 23:00:19

Oi hands off floppers <gets angry eyes back out ready>
Mr flopsy. Hahahahahahahahahah.
<puts angry eyes back away>
Naw, I just can't stay mad at you. <ruffles flopsy's hair> <fnar>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 23:01:28

Bye mrsb I miss you already.

Am still up. Might see what DH is up to....

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 23:04:35

Ok, last post before bed, I'm so glad I NCed to Norah and he isn't saying Twit. Not the same really grin

<gets in car>
<fills up with diesel>
<heads north>

I'm cooooooommmmmmmiiiiiinnnnnggggg <fnar, oo er etc etc>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 23:05:55

In glad you like it! grin Better late than never, I know.

But he would have a massive cock, and he would shag you so hard things would break.

Athos would just start crying as soon as he touched a woman who wasn't Milady. He'll be useless. And Aramis would be longer than War And Peace because of all the women he goes through. And Dog would be all "LOL" "OMFG" and having to stop every so often to put a selfie on twitter.

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 23:09:51

You have the boys so pegged malc. Ironically I LOL'd at Dog LOLing. <so sad>
Don't go mrsbeeeeeeee! <grabs titsankles>

Flopsy28 Fri 27-Jun-14 23:11:36

Right, must go and down finish sipping my wine, then...
To bed, for tomorrow we rise at 8 for 8.30, .........

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 23:13:21

<watches DW trailer another 10,000 times>

FolknNorah Fri 27-Jun-14 23:14:46

I believe in my first post I wrote something similar. T was something like

I'd do Athos first because he'd be really quick as it has been so long and he'd probably weep afterwards.
Then Dog who'd be like an eager puppy and over and done with ASAP
Porthos because he'd take away the icky feeling you'd get from boning <Arf> Dog
Aramis because he'd be nice to look at in the morning.

Thank you again if there anything I can give you or do for you please ask <yes that too>
Night my lovely lovelies, see you tomorrow at some point busy day etc but well, The Toddler for to bed at some point and I can catch up then grin.

MalcolmTuckersMistress Fri 27-Jun-14 23:15:32

I am SO totally O.V.E.R The Cardinal!

MadamedeChevreuse Sat 28-Jun-14 00:02:43

<shags cardinal vigorously>

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 02:20:49

Morning! Haven't had a chance to get on here as DH has been rather lovely. Picked me up from work, wined and dined. Lots of Pimms and some glasses of bubbly. Then met up with my dearest old friend from school days who now lives in the us who I thought wasn't in the country til Sept. Her and her husband under secret orders not to say they were coming. So we've had the most brilliant laugh of an evening together, and they are staying the weekend which is fab. Sooo lovely and I'm so lucky to have such dear old pals I'm v emotional about it. Will RTFT when I'm upgrin

Oblomov Sat 28-Jun-14 05:08:20

Morning. Just off to try and catch up.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Sat 28-Jun-14 06:59:10

Morning, we did have a convo at the meet up that though we have our preferences, that Porthos may well be the most satisfying shagger, well Ali and I agreed still Team Aramis always and forever, who can be aggressive or gentle or funny etc

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Sat 28-Jun-14 07:00:49

MrsB and Lyndie have great holidays. Madame I hope you got something booked without too much trouble.

We are not holidaying this year at all :-( well we are hoping for Barcelona in October but summer is not happening.

MavisGrind Sat 28-Jun-14 07:57:14

Morning wenches. Hope you have a great trip Mrsb and lyndie. Miss ya.

Comtess that sounds like a lovely weekend. Should take your mind of you know what.

Dog <not that one> got me up at 5. Am now trying to have a lie in. hmm

LetUsPrey Sat 28-Jun-14 08:19:30

Morning wenches. Epic story Malc!

Feeling a bit better today. Normal Saturday stuff to do.

Got to get DS2 to swimming.


MadamedeChevreuse Sat 28-Jun-14 08:22:37




Hello it’s Grammar Nazi Madame.

Me and Trev have had a bit of a tidy-up. If you are really upset that your entry has disappeared or changed, please shout if you really must. We just tried to move things around so that each category has enough or not too many entries, is funny (ish), and to reduce the number of categories / nominations. (Otherwise the whole thing is going to be boring completely unviable.)

Max number of nominations per category: 10 (Ideally no more than 6)

Min number: 3


No fighting over who suggested what – we’re not going to put names of nominees on the final poll thingy, cos it’s too complicated and a bit boring.

I think we’ve got enough categories now, unless anyone is really desperate to add / change one. Suggestions for cuts welcome.

Please now add / debate nominations like this:
1) Cut, paste and repost the category you want to nominate in (*NOT the whole list*),
2) Add your comments or nomination, with episode ref.



MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 08:37:05

<has sex with Doctor Who over and over and over again in every way possible>

Morning! Madame I'm ok about you entertaining The Cardinal now.


No I'm not


MadamedeChevreuse Sat 28-Jun-14 08:53:54

you had better not be ok with it malc otherwise we may as well set fire to the tavern and collectively jump off a cliff.

awwwww comtesse, was DH just being lovely or did he know you needed extra hand holding today? (ponders asking if Comtesse minds Mr Comtesse being added to the rota - for being thoughtful and nice purposes only.)

Sorry I havent been very chatty the past few days. Badders Im really pleased about DS's op date, and Flopsy v glad your boob got Dysoned successfully.

We still havent booked fucking holiday. I stayed up til 12 searching for non utter shit holes that are available in two weeks that dont cost the earth. It's proving difficult. Then DS woke me up about 6. Twatbadger went to bed early, and is STILL asleep. <rages>

I am going back in (to Booking.com) now.... <shudders>

I probably wont be on much all weekend cos of this / family / RL catch up stuff.

So I'll just let you all get on with the TWATS then OK? Im sure all is crystal clear, and there will be no fighting!!! <brightly>



<heads for the hills>

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 08:57:07

Wow you two, amazing job. Thank you. thanks bit disappointed with myself that I haven't said/done anything remotely amusing/clever in almost 30,000 posts but not everyone can be clever and /or funny blush grin

If there was a Wenches best tits in a corset I'd win though, right? grin <needy>

Ok, I'm putting it here, so as not to upset the proper TWAts thread, but shall I gather everyone's first post so we can have a recap? Sepia toned images fading into each other with inspiring, look at them all music? A look how far we've come? I'll keep to the wenches posting as of now?

Had an odd night last night, didn't sleep well, The Toddler slept through shock but dd and ds3 were having a slumber party in dd's room and woke up at about 3 talking and giggling. They woke me up and kept me awake until I gave up at about 7.

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 08:59:07

Morning malc <shy>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 09:02:07

<winks at Norah> did you have a good sleep?

We definitely ALL need. MrComtess

That is indeed a fabulous job there Madame and Trev

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 09:08:47

I want a mrcomtesse what a lovely thing to do.

Er malc RTFT no, I got woken up by dd and ds3 . I kept almost having a dream but never quite got going hmm

How about you? Did I wear you out you get worn out last night?

Badvoc2 Sat 28-Jun-14 09:23:55

Dh making me an omelette. Yum.
Ds2 still coughing and wheezy..sigh.
He keeps pretending to be a butterfly coming out of its cocoon, bless him. He is fluttering around my head as I write smile
No idea what I am up to today...will read the story later when I can give it my undivided attention!

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 09:28:43

MrComtess is indeed lovely. This is how I ended up with 4 kids, random acts of utter loveliness which means I am still utterly in love with him as well as loving him <all other wenches start barfing into Athos buckets>. He knew I've been dreading weekend really so has been secretly in touch with my obf (oldest bestest friend) on it all.

So, various family coming for lunch (BBQ back on!!) and then ds1 off for sleepover. Dh has had a majorly embarrassing 'man to man' convo about it all (hope it wasn't like Apricot's story!!), oh, maybe I should print off the story shockgrin. I have brought him up to the starting line, I have to let him go.

So, have thumping headache from booze, have just had a few tablets and water. Will go and get started on getting house sorted before big boys get up.

My house, 8pm, wenches support group, see you there.

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 09:30:35

Just going to read Malc's latest instalment first .....

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 09:31:58

Oh comtesse I won't be there at 8 as we watch a movie together at about that time. My heaving bosoms will be here for you to use as you see fit until I can get on the thread to join you.

Everything will be alright. <HBS> for you all day.

Badvoc2 Sat 28-Jun-14 09:37:32

Oh god, Comtesse, what have I missed!?
Are you ok?
What's this weekend?
Sorry I have been a rubbish wench this week....sad

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 09:47:28

It's the weekend of The Great Sleepover for comtesse's ds1. With his girlfriend.....

How are you badders? I've been thinking of you <not like that>. <by that I mean in a stalkery way>

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 09:49:08

I'm getting a cup of tea and re reading my malc's story again....grin

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 10:02:26

Faaaaaab porn story Malc. I particularly liked the swirling pussy & the fact that his ejaculation actually made the table collapse grin Ahhhh Porthos, you are SO on everyone's list after they've had their fill of first choice Musketeer

Comtess well done on still BBQing. We ar shaving fish & chips & now I'm angry at lack of rain. Does look like it's coming though. Lovely surprise re friends & just lubricate tonight's trauma with Pimms.

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 10:03:01

NO. We are not shaving our fish & chips. Fucksake

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 10:03:02

Ooh that hit the spot <again>

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 10:03:49

Off to look at TWATS. Now there's something I don't say that often

FolknNorah Sat 28-Jun-14 10:11:15

Oh I always say it <breezy>

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Sat 28-Jun-14 10:14:58

Madame and Trev brilliant job, and Norah you are on fire with all this go back to everyone's first posts but I think it would be lovely.

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 10:25:49

Sorry was unable to communicate after reading Malc's Porthos story. Fuck. Me.

I mean.



LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 10:27:21

<reads story again>

Morning Sparkle. I also loved the swirling pussy. Bet that takes practise Norahwinkgrin

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 10:29:21

8pm just a general guideline. Your norks needed for general HBS all night really Norah. <snuggles>

<never wants to leave>

<downs HotMoodyFucker in one>

<reads the story again>

<feels inspired>

<might write one tonight>


Just caught up from yesterday avo. Going back to take notes and deliver response in Flopsy's Roundup TM style, but without the news delivery and bongs part, so basically just a list of acknowledgements/comments.

<licks pencil>

<flips new page on noetpad>

Exdp not around this weekend, so dd and I are having a girly day. This is involves loom bands olympics, nail painting, films, yummy chocs, fave meal etc etc........... or so it was meant to.

So far, it looks like this. Me on laptop mainlining coffee. Dd on Minecraft <- there's a whole other convo, singing like nails down a chalkboard sweetly, non stop <vein above eye bulges> in her nightie.

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 10:38:20

Ohhhh WAILLLLLL. Voyage Prive has 2 nights in the Barcelo Praha with flights for £139!!!! WaIIIIILLLLLL

ApricotCrush Sat 28-Jun-14 10:40:40

Morning! Don't know what I'm doing today but really should catch up with routine stuff as washing basket is full, house is a tip and it's Free Listing on eBay which I've been neglecting lately nothing to do with being here all the time.

Lovely idea re first posts Norah <how would you do that?> <useless on Mumsnet, only joined for this thread>

Great porn story Malc grin Love Porthos.

Comtess will try to be here this evening with wine

Madame and Trev good job with the TWATS, will go and have a look. smile

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 10:50:18

'Deeper and harder her kissed her'

Love that bit. It's erotic even before he gets his considerable manhood into play . grin

I have to say I was there in the moment as the table collapses. And I could feel my legs going twitchy grin Malc you are a fucking genius.

AnneElkMiss Sat 28-Jun-14 10:57:27

Morning lovely wenches.

Yes yes yeaahhhssssss to the Porthos story Malc.....I think I need to go back and have another read, purely to appreciate the literary construct of course no idea what that means...it's wank....but sounded about right

How lovely of mrComtess, are you saying friends came over from US several months early because of DS1s sleepover??.....that is dedication indeed grin.

MrE needs to do some wining and dining, but its not the same when you have to prime them to do it. He needs lessons in spontaneity, but today he is mending the ballcock not that one, although that one could do with an outing

MlleE has her dance school annual show this evening, she's doing swan lake.....I may end up with a speck of dust in my eye.....so I'll be on after to hold comtess' hand, I imagine a few glasses of wine ( <-- Barolo) will have been downed by then.

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 11:07:50

US friends actually over for business but it was all kept quiet from me so he could spring it on me this weekendgrin. They're off to Europe for a few weeks then back to come on hols with us for a week in Aug.

MrC loves a surprise. He once flew me to Rome for dinner when I said I wanted to go out for an italiangrin. (Pre child days where we didn't spend all our money on children's shoes).

AnneElkMiss Sat 28-Jun-14 11:17:18

How's the Athos in a bath scenario coming along Comtess?

MavisGrind Sat 28-Jun-14 11:18:59

Aw Comtess your Dh sounds wonderful! Flying to Rome for dinner.....<goes off in a reverie...> Don't suppose you'd lend him out? I may be team Athos but I'd be happy to be on a rota? hmm

O.k, well despite my best efforts after re-read, most of it has left my head again. Few things that stick in mind, seem to be funny or violent grin.

Anne - nice to see you wench, to see you nice<shudders at Brucie on thread> congrats on not stabbing dh in eye with a screwdriver grin

I WANT A DYSON HOMESQUIRT!!! grin grin grin - is that one for the Dyson HQ suggestion box MrsB?? Bloody hell, just imagine if he ventured out into that market? shock shock shock shock <simultaneously squirms and winces>

Malcolm story for Flopsy Norah...... where to start.
Firstly - Malcolm! Has this always been in you, or are you really reading too much a lot of fan fic at mo? You definitely have a talent my girl!

I loved it. Let me stress this - it was gush inducing, brilliance. I pictured everything clearly and found Porthos extremely Phwooaarrr, and was very jel not to be there, in the actual Tavern cellar with him myself!

Buuuuuut, in true Tavern style, there was the odd moment of shock or grin too, which I loooooved grin. Notably.....

When Porthos called her a lady.

When he called her Norah, I also thought, how much nicer than Twit, which just wouldn't have had same ring. Like a screeching record/ice bucket on the moment. grin

I liked the hand stabbing wall bit. But, I need clarification - did the knife rip through his hand like a big rippy line, or did it kind of ping off just as Porthos catches it? I quite liked the gruesomeness of this grin Gave it an edge. The darker side of the Tavern.

When it said 'his hands ran through her hair' I couldn't help thinking - No! Porthos. Bad move!!! You will either get them stuck in there with all the unrinsed conditioner build up grin, or, and I think possibly worse, you will ignite the static frizz, leaving Norah with a two foot high bouffy helmet, for which, I don't think she'll be thanking ya! grin grin Cue mucho sniggering.

However, testament to your skillz Malc, things were swiftly brought back on track with the line 'strapped down by all that leather' <ping> <ping> <ping> I can practically feel it pushing through the thick leather trousers <ping ping ping ping ping ping> <gets out Dyson Homesquirt>

Swirling Pussy <- grin grin grin grin grin grin Best line EVER! The Dr Who influence at play here, hmmm?

I particulary liked the image of Norah/a wench being harpooned to the wall by his nob, when the table gave way <tries to banish images of swinging, dangly legs and Norah shrugging casually, as she's just hanging around > grin grin grin

It was sooo brill Malcolm. You write great sex scenes <sensuous tit parp> <gloving> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And in other news.........

Yes, we do all love Mr Comtess. We might need to harvest some DNA or something Comtess, so that we can make adjustments as and when needed, to the clones. Is that alright?

Also, Anne's comment about Porthos mention at meet up. Yes, iirc (if I recall correctly - for WW and other non MN wenches) Porthos is the only one ALL wenches would do. I think he generally was either favourite or second favourite, for shagability.


<goes for lie down>

Sorry to all who I have missed.

Oh and after thought, Norah, you have contributed plenty. What is this place called, for a start eh? Not the Blue fucking Pauldron thats fo sho. And quite rightly too. couldn't imagine this place being anything but the Swagger Inn. and not something more reminiscent of the Blue Oyster gay bar in Police Academy

LaComtessdelafere Sat 28-Jun-14 11:55:52

Well if you put him on the rota I will warn you that he's exhaustingly upbeat at all times, has energy of 20 yr old but has great pecs as a plus point. He wears me out grin

Wow! Just caught up with the thread. I wasn't on last night 'cause I had my own little romantic interlude a bottle of very good red, steak and chips then bed with Mr T (not that one!) Lets call him Mr TW grin. He's been away for a week so lots of shagging to catch up on. wink

Malc - you are filthy in a very good way! GTRH for Porthos now. Please, please can one of the dirty clever wench's write me some Treville porn? Please??

Holiday wenches - you've probably buggered off already but have fun.
Partying wenches - have a wonderful time shaving fish and chips grin and bbqing.

Mr C sounds lovely - what a thoughtful thing to do. Oh if we could clone him for all the single wenches....

I will be here at 8, my considerable boobage will be at your disposal Comtesse.

Badvoc2 Sat 28-Jun-14 12:37:51

My uncle is dying.
On life support but it's not looking good.
Mum flying back to Ireland tomorrow.
Since I turned 40 everything has turned to shit.

Badders, that's shit. Sorry to hear you are having a truly hellish year.

Please keep nagging yourself to go for counselling sessions, to help you process all of this stuff. It's easy to get bogged down by the misery. You need to let some stress out of the bucket <does bad job of remembering overflowing bucket analogy>


bloody hell Badders - you are really going through the ringer. So sorry about your uncle. ^ What Hannah said. wise words re: stress out of bucket. brew

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 12:53:09

This time last week wenches!!!

Today I will mostly be channelling the fish & the chips & the brownies & this gorgeous man. Vamos Chile!

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 12:53:50

Hand to hold Badders x

MavisGrind Sat 28-Jun-14 13:42:42

Lordy Badders what a crap time of it you're having. thanks wine We're here when you need us. <snog>

I hope we're not forgetting that 'pauldron' was mine? <pointed look at Hannah> IIRC I spent an evening looking at armour through the ages <FML>

I only have that and apparently potentially poisoning children so I'm not letting it go!

Flopsy28 Sat 28-Jun-14 14:02:59

Hello wenches, been on the football touch line cheering DD on since bloody 10am. Had egg on toast now though so feel better.

After reading malc's story last night I duly dragged Mr Flopsy (gonna have to rethink that on somehow) upstairs for shenanigans. He said this morning "nice evening, that's 2 nights in a row, what's got into you?"

a) I didn't realise our sex life was that sparse and
b) how do I tell him it was a wench-written Porthos-porn story that GMG?

And btw, the rest of you can feck off if you think you're jumping on in the Porthos queue. It's just me, norah and possibly helen. End of.

Mavis.Love, why the pointed look at me? I was referring to the use of the word Pauldron as discovered by Mavis TM, in the tavern name suggestions, The Blue Pauldron - being one of which. (And, irrc, you were in favour of at time?)

Me mentioning it, is complimentary to it's point of origin -> you <- not me trying to claim it. Besides, any wench RTFT, as is compulsory, always knows what came from whom and when, anyway.

In fact, I think I'm so good at RTFT, I could probably go on Mastermind. That, is how much attention I pay. <no life>

MavisGrind Sat 28-Jun-14 14:25:49

Tbh Hannah there was no reason for a pointed look. I just fancied dishing one out. grin You've certainly got a better memory than me, I can recall jack shit of most things <decrepit>

Mavis, I have a very strange memory. I can remember practical stuff, learning on the job kind of thing. I can remember information about people I am engaging with. But I do struggle, on most other levels.

Ask me to remember anything important from a month ago. I'm fecked.

Last year. What?

LetUsPrey Sat 28-Jun-14 14:49:51

Been to watch How To Train Your Dragon 2 with DS2. Was very very good.

I have out my back out and am hobbling but it'll pass.

Will look at TWATs when we get back from shopping, although we're calling at Ikea so I'm sure I'll see a few there.

Comtess what a lovely lovely DH smile, although I'm sure you're an equally lovely lovely DW.

Badders - we're here whenever you need us. Sometimes being strong means letting it out (I think). thanks

Many snogs to all wenches

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 14:56:34

Hahaha oh I'm so pleased you liked last nights bedtime story! I was a little bit tipsy and very much under the influence of Who exposure grin

I think the problem is though what do you call your vage? I can see now why whatshername 50 Shades woman used the word "sex"

Pussy - bit dated. Kind of goes with really hairy bushes and perms.
Cunt - well I prefer to use that that as a good old punctuation or a description these days.
Vagina- far too clinical. Reminds me too much of that Channel 4 programme WTF Is Wrong With My Body Dr. Christian? Or whatever it's called.
Growler - well that's not taking anything seriously. Reminds me of Lorraine Kelly.


Also Treville there's going to be major issues with any filth fiction for you...it's going to look like Treville is doing himself off! You're going to have to thing of a "stage" name wink

I do think anyone can write good smut though. Come on Wenches, we all have it in us! <snort>

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 14:58:19

"Growler...reminds me of Lorraine Kelly".

Only in The Tavern grin Priceless

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 28-Jun-14 15:26:57

badders sad hugs my love.

Malc excellent story - Porthos definitely best shag. Anne we weren't alone in thinking that I'm pretty sure.

Hannah I love you a little bit for this paragraph grin

When it said 'his hands ran through her hair' I couldn't help thinking - No! Porthos. Bad move!!! You will either get them stuck in there with all the unrinsed conditioner build up grin, or, and I think possibly worse, you will ignite the static frizz, leaving Norah with a two foot high bouffy helmet, for which, I don't think she'll be thanking ya! grin grin Cue mucho sniggering.

I just almost joined you on the Pissy Pants bench, and DH is looking at me like hmm WTF?!

Comtess you and DH have dealt with this so well, I am quite in awe and taking notes for the future!

Period is here finally. Feel revolting and just want to sleep. Bleugh.

AnneElkMiss Sat 28-Jun-14 15:37:10

Badders thanks thanks for you and your mum. I'm so sorry....you're having such a rotten time. There's not much I can say, but I'm another one holding your hand xxx

Why does a Growler remind you of Lorraine Kelly?? Have I missed a meeting? In our house it's now known as the baby hole....I don't think that would create the right vibe.

And speaking of vibes...a Dyson vibrator?? ooh I say....I wonder how he'd reinvent that one

Just watching Kelis at Glastonbury.....Norah, how about her dress? It works for her impressive norks

Slit ?
Gash ?
Swirler ?
Swirling Dyson of Vadge ?
Flange ?
Minge ?
Ballot Box ?

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 15:49:23

Oh come on Hannah. You're just being silly now

<gives Hannah a D>

Badvoc2 Sat 28-Jun-14 15:52:30

Thank you all x
God, I really am the voice of doom on this thread ATM aren't I!?
Am watching tennis ATM.
Boys out playing.
Feel really....odd. Poor mum. In 11 months we have lost dads brother, dad, dads sister, mums bil and now this...it really does seem unrelenting at times.
But both my parents are the youngest dc of large families...this is how it will be from now on I guess. No one is getting any younger.
I am going back down later to help mum pack.
My sister seems very unwilling to go to the funeral and I don't want to go in my own.

I second the Lorraine Kelly explanation request please.

Alibabs grin always room on the bench. We're a grateful friendly one bunch.

brew [hot water bottle] [choc] for you. I'm a day or two behind you I reckon. Feeling the mental/emotional unstable build up. Trying to eat myself out of house and home. Happy days.

Hope you feel better soon wench xx

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 15:55:04

It appears form Twatter that Maimie's baking co has done a hen party for Verruca. It look stair fair pretty & civilised & delicious & i don't suppose for a minute that CS actually ate a crumb. Not an organic friggin seed in sight.

Instead of plastic flutes they had their Prosecco in teacups [shock

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 15:55:58

stair fair was SUPPOSED to read vair vair obviously

A double D more like. <leers> <gropes Malcolm's bosom>

I can't think of any other, non child like ones. What about in all that fan fic you've been reading? What is the going term in there?

Or is the stuff you've been reading exclusively mouths, bum holes and cocks?

Malc - grin at Treville doing himself! Why don't you make me up a suitable wench name for the porn story? wink

Elk - baby hole is def. not the right vibe!

Nice suggestions Hannah. what about Slot although I think cunt is best. Whoever said about calling it your 'sex' being ruined forever by 50 shades of shit was right.

"he tenderly touched the very centre of her sex...." Please! bleurgh!

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 16:03:23

Holy Moly.

I have a sneaky suspicion they're going down the spiritual route with A next series.

AND - another showing of World Cup Seat in the next hour maybe? <Scrambles to dry hair to get back down to turn on TV>

You're gonna burrrrrrn Sparkle.

<just sayin>

Sparklegeek Sat 28-Jun-14 16:49:12

Well - he does make me overheat if that's what you mean Hannah smile

grin grin grin

Yes, that's exactly what I meant Sparkle smile

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Sat 28-Jun-14 17:04:42

Hola ...

Badders so sorry for you and your family. We will be having our 5th family funeral in a few weeks in the last three years.

I had something else to say but have forgotten.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Sat 28-Jun-14 17:05:13

Aramis is a priest in the making isn't he so more spiritual makes sense.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Sat 28-Jun-14 17:05:56

Oh and I favour count personally but it depends on the context. Cunt for Porthos but something more eloquent with Aramis.

Oh it's definitely lady garden for Aramis.

Her moist mound

Her heady bouquet

Her Flangellina Mingerina

Flopsy28 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:33:34

Back from bbq. ... pissed. Oops. DS feels sick, must go and parent.

Evening Wenches.

Reading this thread always puts a smile on my face. I sat on the bus trying not to laugh out loud grin

I really liked the line about dangling Norah, pinned to the wall Hannah

I've had a lovely day with friends having delicious Afternoon Tea. It's not only the British menfolk I like munching on wink

MTM Fantastic story filth! Great choice of words, "desperately yurning womanhood" and "swirling pussy". And it seems very Porthos that the table collapses grin

thanks to Badvoc

cake to Ali

Oh, btw this is my Musketeer shagging list:


Badvoc2 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:54:32

Thank you x
Hope ds is ok flops x
My list is unchanged;
(Repeat ad infinitum)
I would also consider Saracen

My shagging list is Treville. Repeatedly and enthusiastically.

Then everyone else!

Flopsy28 Sat 28-Jun-14 18:57:25

Mine is:-
when he's tired. ..
Porthos (now recovered)

ApricotCrush Sat 28-Jun-14 19:00:40

Mine is:

No-one else, ever

I've just drunk a large glass of wine, without any food. Must go and cook. grin

Flopsy28 Sat 28-Jun-14 19:02:35

Go Apricot, get drunk like me! !!

Flopsy28 Sat 28-Jun-14 19:03:04

Go Apricot, get drunk like me! !!

DS2 has friends here who are about to go then it's Pimms for me!

I'm supposed to be going to a summer ball tonight but I've bailed and DH has gone on his own. It's a work thing for him so he doesn't mind me not going. I really couldn't be bothered getting all dressed up, then loads of standing around on my crutches getting more and more uncomfortable, I'll have to drive there and so can't drink. Rather be wenching and getting drunk with you lot!

Flopsy28 Sat 28-Jun-14 19:17:35

Woo hoo! TW, bailing for us wenches....you go girl <American teen>

Flopsy28 Sat 28-Jun-14 19:23:25

Gorgeous boys.

LetUsPrey Sat 28-Jun-14 19:33:13

I am feeling decidedly unwenchy today. Hmm. I need to give myself a kick up the bum.

<kicks self up bum>
<falls over>

ApricotCrush Sat 28-Jun-14 19:46:17

OOO, penalties for Chile. Bet Santi's bricking it!

<is that an old-fashioned phrase?> <not a fuck is given>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 19:50:27

I still have no real running order after Armand. I'll just take whoever is going spare at any particular time! <diplomatic>

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 19:51:09

<slaps LetUs with spare glove>

LetUsPrey Sat 28-Jun-14 19:56:03

Ooo thanks Malc, I needed that!

Serena Williams has just been beaten at Wimbledon by a French player called Cornet (pronounced Cornay, like bad guy from ep 1)

I'm off to comfort SC - Chile just gone out on penalties. Poor love.

MadamedeChevreuse Sat 28-Jun-14 19:56:25

Awww poor santi.

LetUsPrey Sat 28-Jun-14 20:02:57

Was there a bad guy called Cornet? I've just checked and was he the one whose name was changed to Gaudet? Ah fuck knows.

Hope all parties are going/have gone well.

QueenAnneofAustriaSpain Sat 28-Jun-14 20:04:07

Aw poor Santi and Chile.

Well day 2 of twatbadger's annual leave. Nuff said really. Almost crossed the line to tell him to fucking fuck off for real then thought I need to get through last year of uni first really. But he is luckily there is no screwdriver to hand.

MadamedeChevreuse Sat 28-Jun-14 20:04:52

No cornet was the good guy,the musketeer who led the group of musketeers who were ambushed and killed by gaudet. <geek>

MadamedeChevreuse Sat 28-Jun-14 20:06:48

anne if you kill him i will come visit you im prison. Prob best not do it tho, think of your children.

LetUsPrey Sat 28-Jun-14 20:15:21

Good job somewench knows what they're talking about Madame.

Anne, think of the mess

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 20:19:44

FFS. Making my dad a birthday cake. Was just putting in the oven and dropped it on the FUCKING floor. because the Doctor Who trailer came on the tv and I totally lost control of my body

Now I am an egg short starting all over AGAIN.

Badvoc2 Sat 28-Jun-14 20:21:29

Oh shit Malc sad
I did that with a quiche once...

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 20:22:45

It's so annoying. Dog is happy though (not that one)

LetUsPrey Sat 28-Jun-14 20:25:38

Can I just say how much I love the saying "dog (not that one)"

Never fails to make me grin when I see it

MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 20:26:37


MalcolmTuckersMistress Sat 28-Jun-14 20:27:01


Badvoc2 Sat 28-Jun-14 20:28:21