INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here(863 Posts)
Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial.
I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.
Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.
We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same
It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.
As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all
Hello again norks :-) Tomorrow is my last day of maternity leave so on Monday I'll be back to dealing with the public. I may be checking in here a lot next week.
Aha, this is the place for me! I have a question for fellow introverts - how do you deal with getting out of social situations you've been invited to? Specifically, office Christmas "do". I like the people I work with and I've not worked there long so I don't want to make a bad impression, but I really can't face spending a whole evening with them in a social situation, especially if they're drinking (I can't drink because of meds). How do I back out of it without seeming rude?
Oh yes, erm, hello Norks and English. I am starting to feel concerned that I have to go to DH's work do having avoided his and mine the last few years.
Have great new dress, boys at sleepover at GPs, hotel to stay in but no inclination to go to actual party.
I'll just sit over here in the corner now.
Oh, English what a day of mixed feelings that will be? Are you stressing already, or looking forward to the change? How old is your frankly GORGEOUS D now?
Hello and welcome pimp
I get out of them by saying "sorry, I cant come".
If pressed I say "it makes me anxious" or explain properly how I don't enjoy it at all, but hope they have fun. Tell the truth, basically
In absolute emergencies I do go along for half and hour or so, say "lovely to see you all" and ooze away.
I never, ever, ever accept invitations where there is a communal bus !
A bit of both to be honest, its a new job which is good as my old job was full of shouty sweary people and I really didn't want to go back. Ds is 8 months, its going to be very strange not being with him all the time.
Wrt work parties I just say no thank you. I don't bother making anything up. If its something I can go to for an hour I will but if its a whole night then I politely decline.
x post with norks. Just say no!
Hello maillot. What is the set up at your DH's works do? What are you expected to join in?
I must say a hotel room to run away to does sound nice.
I am ashamed to say that I have had a headache in the past (genuine, brought on by stress of the event!) and run away to the room.
Nowadays DH knows how much I don't like it. I tell him in advance that I will stay for one hour max and then ooze off.
He is similarly introverted so the problem doesn't arise much
Pimp, is it a large company? I used to work for a fairly small one, and just said, "no, sorry, I can't make it". DP works for a pretty large company and we went the first year he worked there, but it made us both so anxious he's declined every year since and nobody has said a word.
Hello all, by the way! I joined the very end of the last thread
and probably killed it.
OOoooooh, no! The communal bus is a HUGE no-no for me!
english, congrats on a new job. Can I ask what you do? Is it an introvert type job.
I have two jobs, one perfect for introverts (company secretary) and one, which I vastly prefer, (jewellery tutor). You would never believe I was the same person who started these threads if you saw me in action...but I need to come home and talk to NOBODY for half an hour afterwards
Hello toby I don't think you said anything soooooo terrrible that you could have killed the thread all the way off MN altogether ;)
Am new to this idea but recognise a lot of what constitutes being an introvert. And am glad to realise I am one and am quite happy being so.
And also recognise that during my life a lot of people have felt that i should be behaving differently - "go and play with the nice children!" - actually i'd rather not.
"You won't succeed if you can't sell yourself" - possibly true but better than acting totally against my personality and pretending to be Ms OutThere and right on.
Have learned after a long time to bluff my way through social events and attempts by friends to take me out of myself and give me a good time. I am blessed with very nice friends but am equally happy to spend some time alone.
i sometimes imagine my perfect holiday in order to relax and go to sleep. Destination is unimportant but there needs to be a pile of books i haven't yet read, a comfy bed and some interesting countryside that I can take the dog for a walk in. And absolutely NO people that i need to please/interact with in any way.
Have often thought that counting sea birds on a Hebredean island would be an ideal job for me.
Can i join?
Hello. I joined the last thread fir a while - mat have nc since then.
i hardly ever go to works events, I claim childcare issues sometimes which is generally accepted as I do dash out most night for the nursery/childminder pickup.
I have to work tomorrow so a 6 day week and am hosting a full day of training so no hiding. Would much prefer a day tucked up at home.
I was a shop manager but I'm going to be a travel agent. Still dealing with the public but hopefully much calmer. Its a job I've always liked the idea of but could never afford to do but after living on maternity pay its ok. Only part time while Ds is tiny.
I remember you saying you were a jewellery tutor, how lovely. I used to do a bit before Ds look over every waking moment. I did have a sort out of my findings last week in anticipation of having some spare time one day.
occult you are the very definition of an introvert. WELCOME
One of our mantras is 'boring is good'.
One. Theory is that introverts are easily stimulated (no sniggering at the back ). In other words, we get joy from low-stimulus activities. We do not need to take part in high-risk or high energy activities to have pleasure. I have no desire whatsoever to jump out of an aero plane. I get a lot of satisfaction walking the dogs around the hills for a couple of hours.
Extroverts are looking for the next thrill, as they are NOT excited by the low-energy stimuli that content us.
I have not explained this very well, perhaps somebody cleverer can précis it for me?
Hello gnu and zombies
SIX day week and HOSTING training. zombies
You are going to need a quiet room or a book nook after all that
Thanks for the welcome and suggestions It's a small company and I'm a receptionist, so lots of big smiles and small talk in the waiting room... I am exhausted when I get home! In an ideal world I'd live on a lovely little smallholding and potter about with my ducks and goats and ponies, occasionally retreating into my study to churn out another best-seller.
That sounds lovely. I'll be in the house overlooking the sea doing a bit of baking and making stuff
Yes pimp that is what introverts LOVE to do. I could potter FOREVER.
I live on a farm (not mine, just in the farmhouse) and can potter happily around the garden, studio, kitchen all day.
Baking and making. BLiss
Oh here you are!! The last thread went poof rather quickly...
Am currently curled up on the sofa having had an unfortunate but lucky escape tonight..
I had been invited to a 'do' at DH's works local pub, an overnighter, DC's invited. Utter nightmare, I would know a few people who would all be pissed and sharing in jokes and I just know it would have been a new layer of hell.
BUT I have a poorly DD who needs her home comforts and Calpol so I have to stay here, much to DH's disappointment but frankly, my relief.
Why does he try and get me to go to things like this when he knows I hate them? He ends up in a corner talking work and I end up making embarrassing small talk with people I barely know..
Hi all. I was on the last thread too but can't remember what name I was using, probably one ending in didi.
I have 3 Christmas nights out to go to. You will be horrified but I actually organised the works one . Purely so it is only our department rather than the whole school, and it's close to my house, and it's just a meal rather than a 'proper' night out like some of the others wanted. I also took over the secret santa organisation. I then have a meal out with my 'orchestra' (there are about 10 of us and we're all complete amateurs but we quite enjoy playing music together and I don't have to talk to anyone most times), and a theatre trip with year 8 from school.
I'm not going to dp's works night out and he's not coming to mine. We always claim childcare issues to get out of each others but can't really get out of our own without offending someone.
This is why I like being self employed. No works 'do...
Great idea Norks
December is hellish for me-2 DS with birthdays-just the one party though, potentially ILs at Christmas, including a brand new MIL who has caused havoc in an otherwise peaceful family.
Work do (bowling and a restaurant ), plus 2 lots of leaving drinks
I will not be attending
I seem to have found myself included in a new friendship group too-invites to spa days and stuff, and I find it all a bit nerve-wracking to be honest...
At work I can and do talk to anyone-I am a receptionist like Pimp
I would far rather be crafting, baking, reading, painting, writing...anything really.
Today I must go to the introvert's worst nightmare: Oxford St a month before Christmas. Then we are meeting friends from overseas for a drink. DP and I stayed in all day yesterday, quietly pottering, to prepare.
GOOD LUCK toby
You are very brave
Hello! I discovered that I am an introvert and not a freak a few months ago. My mother spent my teenage years telling me I was a loser because I spent my time reading in my room instead of getting drunk and having sex with random guys
It's good to know there are other introverts out there.
Morning all. Toby that sounds like hard work - I never go near Oxford St anymore but could only ever cope with it on my own - as a teenager friends used to organise shopping there together, which was awful. Don't know why, but I am happier in a crowd if I can walk at my own pace and keep my thoughts to myself.
Pimp I also just say no to most work invites - I've worked in my place for nearly 15 years and I'm now one of the older ones so it is easier to say no. I like lots of my colleagues as colleagues (and only a very few as friends) but I think they realise that a night out planned by a 24 yo is not my thing. Luckily many of the socials start with a drink in the office then I just don't follow to pub / bar / restaurant.
DH's department is quite small and I've met several of them. I like them but I'd rather be sat with a book. DH is, I think, an introvert at heart because he needs lots if recharge time at home, but he is also VERY sociable when he wants to be. I have to make an effort to seem quiet rather than unfriendly and it's all such an effort.
Missed your post javotte - funny what some people think is normal, isn't it?
<sits in corner quietly and watches.>
javotte you are NOT a freak. Has the realisation helped you?
I calmed down as soon as I realised, for example, that NOT being the centre of a dinner-party circuit was not actually a BAD thing, because I dont especially like dinner parties anyway
there are LOTS of us about, but we are just not noticed, becuase the extroverts are noisier
It's so good to have another introverts thread. I was on the last one (only posted once or twice though, didn't want to overdo it) and it was great to know that I'm not weird or the only one who feels like this. I read the OP above and when I read the words 'hen nights' I literally shivered in fear. Then I got to 'communal bus'. Urgh.
I love being by myself, just doing...stuff. I have a pretty busy and stressful job so I love having a few hours to myself in the evening once DS is in bed. I rarely go on work nights out because they are mainly younger than me and like to go out drinking (I rarely drink). I just say no and cite childcare issues, which on the whole is true, although last time I just said I didn't want to go .
EnglishGirl how did you career change to travel agent? Did you just apply for a post or have you had to undertake training before looking for a vacancy? That's one of the jobs I've always fancied doing. I'd also love to work for myself, and envy anyone who does.
Norks it has made a huge difference. I don't feel guilty about not enjoying myself at the few parties we attend, or about saying no when we are invited to one. I just wish someone had told me I was normal during my formative years.
Having two hugely popular extrovert siblings didn't help.
kitty I just saw it advertised and went for it! I have travelled a lot in the past and worked overseas and the manager who interviewed me said that counted for as much as experience in the industry. It's never going to make me rich but I just got fed up with my old job and decided that as long as the bills could be paid, I'd rather do something I'm interested in
I love these threads. I've always been aware I'm an introvert but I didn't really understand what that means until recently.
I remember at university, talking to one of my dearest friends, saying how I'd probably be quite happy on a desert island, if I never saw any more people for the rest of my life, as long as I had enough to read. She looked at me, aghast, and said that was one of the saddest things she'd ever heard. And I felt as if there must be something deeply wrong with me, to feel that way. Now I understand it's OK, she's a true extrovert, and I'm an introvert, and I don't actually want the rest of the world to go poof. Just to leave me alone sometimes
Just to brag, I am currently having my perfect Sunday; still in my dressing gown, listening to Radio 4, haven't spoken to anyone at all and don't intend to do so until work tomorrow. Bliss.
Thanks for posting a new thread norks <waves discretely at everyone>
I've recently discovered that ironing is much more pleasurable when I have set the ironing board up by my bedroom window (which looks onto the back garden) once I have put scraps/ seeds out for the wildlife. It is very relaxing to do something useful, yet watch the light filtering through the trees and observe the red kites dive onto the lawn and hear the robins, wrens and long tailed tits twittering in the shrubbery.
We've had lovely autumn colours, but an awful lot of mist / fog rising up in the valley has been ever so picturesque, in spite of the greyness of November.
Yesterday was a bit jangly, I had to take DS to the opticians then do a quick supermarket shop -in the town centre on a Saturday afternoon- what was I thinking?
Fortunately it tired the already ill DC, who had an early night, so DH and I read quietly all evening.
Do you all struggle to be introverts in an extrovert world? It seems to me that you can:
a) Try and please the extroverts and attempt to 'join in'<shudder: two words I loathe> and spend your life feeling at odds about it.
b) Make a stand and be considered an unsociable git.
Have spent first half of my life on a, now embracing b but feel bad about not joining in <shudder again> cos the world is totally geared up for extroverts and not the introverted.
Sidles in and relaxes in the quiet.
This will make you all jealous.
On Friday I am going to a spa ON MY OWN
Then I am going for afternoon tea with ONE close friend
Then I am going shopping ON MY OWN
Then I am checking into a hotel ON MY OWN, order room service ON MY OWN, have a bath and read some magazines ON MY OWN and have an early night.
The next morning I will read the paper ON MY OWN, eat a big fat room service breakfast ON MY OWN and then potter round the shops ON MY OWN until its time to go back to the craziness of the two-toddler household and managing a major renovation project which means I have to keep taking builders to task.
The plus side of the renovation is that the house, once finished, will have a little Sitting And Thinking Room all for me.
Ooh verity that sounds blissful
Oh god I would love a night in a hotel on my own
Hello fellow introverts, can I please join you? I'm 23 and have somehow ended up very isolated. Part of me doesn't mind but I do get lonely.
I have an almost 4 month old dd and as you can probably guess by my nickname, I'm an illustrator that works from home. I only ever see my dp these days.
When I end up getting caught in social situations I ALWAYS end up overusing the same words in sentences and stumbling over what I'm trying to say. I hope some of you know what I mean? I don't know anyone like me!
Ooh Verity I'd keep v v it quiet though in case a well meaning but completely misguided extrovert decides to feel sorry for you and invites themselves along to keep you company
Hi Norks and everyone else. When I read the OP, I thought it could have been written for me! I don't like crowds, but I do like meeting up with a friend. I like the same sort of things, reading, crafting, playing instruments, walking dogs, etc.
I don't meet many introverts in real life though. I would love to make more friends like that.
I am SO excited about it.
And the afternoon tea thing I am only doing because she is a very good friend but I haven't seen her since we moved almost a year ago , if it wasn't for that I'd probably be scheduling in some quiet time in a coffee/book shop.
I do this about four times a year. The space to think, and time out from the relentless childcare and in-yer-face-ness if my gorgeous children is just so incredibly restorative.
And having a giant hotel bed all to myself all night...
Having my perfect introverted day. No one coming to visit. My book and still in my pjs and the toddler is napping.
I can and do have quite a lot of these kind of weekends as during the week my job entails talking and listening to people all the damn day.
Verity, that sounds like heaven! I crave silence and uninterrupted reading time
I've just been forced to cancel a planned lunch out, because we've had heavy rain overnight and all the roads between my home and the venue are flooded.
I phoned up and said how very sorry I was that I couldn't make it - but secretly I'm very happy to have a good excuse to be back at home, and having some time just to myself to relax while DS naps.
May I come here please? I l;ove my me time,so much so that I am reluctant to share any of it, I thought I was abnormal I do have friends but I like to keep them at arms length, I couldn't have friends again who turn up my door steps daily, I detest that, am I odd? I do speak to people but I prefer my own company.....
Hoorah! - another thread for us introverts.
<plumps up cushions and makes self comfy>
I was on the last thread but probably under a different name. It is wonderful to find that others feel the way I do. I thought there was something wrong with me.
I mentioned this last time, but for newcomers, one of the most annoying things I find is that people think I am being moody when I just want to be quiet and left alone. Why can they not understand that I am just doing what makes me HAPPY!
I love this thread, and its predecessor, so very much. I have been saying no to things left, right and centre. It's wonderful.
I also went to see a good old friend of mine who I haven't seen for a couple of years, since she moved away. She is a fellow introvert and we talked about how awful it used to be, feeling like we should be going out all the time, and enjoying it. I stayed over and had a lovely evening in with her equally introvert partner, playing computer games and chatting, then I left fairly early the next day, knowing that both she and I were happy to have spent the time together, but now we both needed a bit of space .
Ahhh, this is lovely. Lots of people that feel exactly the same.
TessCowDirect I get the same thing, people think I'm either moody or rude. I don't get invited to take part in many exhibitions anymore because I never go to the opening night. I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm a huge arse hole that doesn't like anybody.
Thanks English, it sounds fab, hope you have a great first week back at work.
Lawrence I know what you mean about the desert island thing. You know that film Castaway, with Tom Hanks stranded on an island? Well that seems like bliss to me .
Illustrated I stumble over words too, especially with people I don't know well or who are senior to me. I often think I must sound like an idiot to other people and end up running through interactions in my head afterwards, wishing I'd said this or that instead .
As for fitting into an extrovert world, I always used to join in and put a brave face on. If at a function I'd be the one sitting by myself then leaving early. Nowadays I tend to give in to my introvert side because I don't see why I should have to pretend to be something I'm not. That's something that's come with age though (I'm 40) and the recent realisation that it's ok not to be the same as everyone else.
I'm sure some people view me as anti-social, shy, or even aloof and rude but the fact is, unlike a lot of people, I don't need to be with or around other people all the time. In fact I'd rather not, thank you very much. I actually feel sorry for those people I know who can't so much as pop to the shops on their own. I'm surprised they can wipe their own arse by themselves, tbh . Mind you, they probably pity me for being the opposite.
Verity I'm so about your solo hotel trip. Enjoy!
<pokes head round door>
Mind if I join?
I'm currently in the bath enjoying a rare hour alone as DH has taken 7 month old DS out for an expedition! (Asda, I think!)
I love it. May curl up on sofa with the cats later.
Re: spas. I love spas. I love them alone or with DH, but was recently invited to a 'girly spa day' by an extrovert friend. <shudders> fortunately it was £75 which gave me a no-guilt way out without having to let on that it was the equivalent of the 7th layer of hell for me. How can people enjoy all that chatting & gossip? Surely the point of spas is to unwind & relax?
DH is a lovely introvert to but we still force ourselves to socialise every now & then so we don't lose touch with all our friends, but some are so loud & in my face.
He doesn't understand, though, that if we are going to see people I need time to get my head around it and a spur of the moment 'shall we pop & see so-and-so' puts my head in a real tailspin.
We should have a meet up at a Library and sit quietly with our books
That's what extraverts don't get, isn't it? I like doing things in my own (lucky you, Verity!). I don't go shopping on my own ( or whatever it is I'm doing) because I'm lonely, I just want to spend time on my own.
Actually last week I did go shopping with a friend and enjoyed it. I needed an opinion on dresses, and although we have never discussed it I think she is quite introverted too.
I probably said this on the old thread too, but as I have come to realise this is just who I am, I have been better able to recognise which friends I enjoy spending time with.
Henrietta I also struggle with spur of the moment socialising and you've hit the nail on the head with "need time to get my head round it" even when it's a lovely thing to do.
In terms of the Christmas Party season. As I've got older I've become more confident in saying "no". When I was younger, I felt pressurised to attend in case I offended someone.
I've turned down Xmas nights out this week with a simple "sorry, but I'm not very good at socialising". Nobody even questioned my reason!!
ds has had two trial mornings with the childminder this week and people kept saying 'what are you going to do with your free time? Well, one morning I took my Kindle to a coffee shop, the other I came home, made coffee and read some cookbooks. I don't need to do anything. My closest friend is an extrovert but we get on great, she does her busy socialising with others and when we get together its for a meal for just us two, or we stay in with a bottle of wine and watch telly. She understands that I enjoy quiet time, although she is trying to convince me to go to a school reunion in a few weeks <shudder>
People that I've met more recently don't really get it. At my last job there was always a big debate about breaks and who was going for lunch together. I always said I was happy to go alone and they thought I was being rude. It's not that I didn't want to eat with others, just that I'm not so desperate for company that I'll adjust my working day to do so. It's great that there are others like me out there. I am actually quiet chatty
see long post but I like to be sociable in a very low key way iyswim?
Mumsnet is perfect for us introverts.
You can just lurk if you want, join in if you want and log off at any time without offending anybody.
My sister is an extrovert and it took many years before she really understood that I am different. She loves to socialise, throw big dinner parties and have hour long telephone conversations. I am completely the opposite.
I'd say I am an introvert and Myers-Briggs seems to agree.
Just to follow up on what Norks said earlier, I don't really agree that I get joy from low stimulus activities. I demand high intellectual stimulus (hence I have quite an analytical job). I could potter a whole day without talking to anyone quite happily, but I must either read a book or be on the internet in that time, or I would go mad from boredom.
However, I prefer low stimulus social activities because they ultimately exhaust me.
blueshoes Interesting. My job is analytical too and I have to give it full concentration. I also have a low boredom threshold.
Being introvert does not equal being boring at all.
I'm the same. I always have to be doing something. When I'm watching TV I'm often MNing on my phone, writing my shopping list, or reading. I find it hard to relax by doing nothing at all, as it seems like a waste of time. However, I can potter around doing bits of 'stuff' all day.
Hi everyone, can I join in - I'm not sure if I'm a 'proper' introvert.....
I'm certainly an Introvert according to the Myers Briggs definition of 'someone who gets their energy from internal rather than external sources', but I was always told growing up that I couldn't possibly be introverted because I am confident, fairly outspoken and certainly not shy.
At school I was always on the periphery of social groups - it took me a long time to figure out that it was because all the other girls got home from school and were immediately phoning each other to chat. It would never have occurred to me to do that, and even when I knew about it, I still couldn't bring myself to join in.
I prefer to be alone rather than in a group, but yet I can happily lecture to 250 students, deal with people individually on a professional basis and I enjoy the company of good friends, although I tend to see them separately rather than as a group. My idea of hell: mother and toddler groups, children's parties, conferences, office parties, any parties where I don't know the vast majority of the guests....
I love going to the cinema or shopping alone and can potter for hours around the house, but I couldn't stay alone on a desert island for more than a couple of weeks, as I tend to over-think and need pulling out of myself occasionally .
Hi Merlot. Welcome.
You've just mentioned another misconception - that introverts are shy and lack confidence.
Obviously, they might be - but not always. Like you, I am not shy. I do presentations and have managed large groups of staff. I do not lack confidence.
I don't think I would enjoy working in complete isolation. I do like to be around people for some of the time.
It's just that my way of winding down is usually doing something solitary, with the family or a couple of close friends rather than big social events.
Thanks Tess , it's good to find other people like me! I work in a very extrovert-prone profession and married an extrovert...
I work in global professional services, which by definition is a people business. I work with people at all levels, different disciplines and cultures. I am comfortable giving presentations and at meetings. I recently admitted to one of my closer colleagues that I am an introvert - she could not quite believe me because there I was chatting to her. But I actually have to force myself to do it.
Apart from superficial social chitchat (which I don't enjoy), I have very little to natter about with people. But I like talking to people at a professional level.
I know friends who seem to be constantly on the phone or texting others on a personal basis. I could not imagine having so much to talk about. Even when dh and I were courting, there was none of this torrent of communication. Spending time on the phone talking into the wee hours of the night is unheard of.
I was amazed to read that General Allen purportedly sent 20-30,000 emails to Jill Kelley. What could he possibly have to say!
What a lovely thread.
Verity, I'm so envious, but Toby, a 'communal bus'? Makes me feel ill!
It's interesting how we vary socially, although still introverted. I never minded Mum and toddler groups, because I knew I could leave and recharge, but sometimes at school I just wanted to get out, but I couldn't.
I've been a SAHM for
ever a long time. It seems perfect for an introvert as I can go and join people for short bursts and then retreat. I try to post on the SAHM v WOHM threads to show my pov (to other introverts, perhaps?) but, TBH, I just can't understand why anyone asks what I do all day now that my DCs are at school. I just be. It's wonderful.
I'm only bored when I'm trapped in a social setting. There's so much to observe and ponder in the world, and I never move without a book, just in case.
Getting older is a help. I tend to drop in on social events to be friendly, but make a jokey excuse about early bed time and cocoa as soon as I can. I don't really care what people think, anyway and they're busy being social so I'm not sure they notice.
Hello, it's me with a seasonal name change as I have been wrapping presents (don't tell Maryz, I know it isn't December yet )
I am so happy to see everybody here.
EverY single story, experience, anecdote or 'me too' helps to strengthen the feeling that we are NOT odd, not outside society, not weird, not freaky.
We are like his because this is what we are like and we do NOT need to pretend to be the life and soul of the party and to have everybody looking at us.
Did you see the 'brains or beauty' thread?
I wonder if more introverts would rather have brains, rather than the beauty?
To me having brains (even though they are In my hands, rather than in my head, if you see what I mean) is about knowing who you are in yourself and being reliant on your own qualities. This seems to me to be an introverted trait.
Valuing beauty is about external validation. Not something I associate with introversion?
Yay I've found my spiritual home. I too am an introvert - have happily spent today pottering about the house, just me and the cat. It's really what I need to get me ready for another week at work. Whilst I work on my own most of the time, it is an open plan office which can get noisy. Sometimes I just want to stand up and shout at everyone to be quiet!
Unfortunately my role at work means I have to organise our Christmas night out. I have booked a lovely restaurant and we are all quite "mature" so there won't be any clubbing or anything. But we've had a rubbish time at work lately so everyone keeps talking about how outrageously drunk we're going to get. I just want to go and have my meal, maybe a glass or two of wine and then home at a reasonable time!
Love the christmas namechange Norks!
I'm too scared of Maryz to change until 1st December
Yes, I was on the brains or beauty thread and agree with what you say.
Without wanting to sound full of myself, I was not bad looking when I was younger but I couldn't deal with attention so would go out of my way to make myself look as frumpy as possible so I didn't stand out.
I don't have that problem any more though!
I like tinselly Norks
I am pondering Sagely(egg)nogging, but am very open to suggestions...
I read some of the brains/beauty thread, and I think you have hit the nail on the head. To me someone who genuinely prefers beauty over brains definitely relies on other people's ideals of beauty for (external) validation. An introvert is probably more self-reliant, so other people's opinions may be less important to them?
Norks, when you mentioned having brains in your hands I glanced upthread to see if you'd mentioned being a neurosurgeon or something! Antisocial, overly literal - no wonder my mum thinks I have ASD.
Hello norks, hello everybody!
How is everyone finding this busy time if year? I think the older I get the less and less I enjoy it. Obviously I do my bit for the dc but I find it a struggle!
Ive had about 6 wks off work
hiding and have got to go Back this week
I am dreading tomorrow.
My DH's grandfather died on the 17th and it's his funeral tomorrow. Lots of strangers I have never met. Fills me with dread.
Sorry for your (/DH's) loss Nutella Hopefully as it's a funeral, people will be more understanding than usual - nobody feels like being the life and soul of a party on such a sombre occasion, nor expects anyone else to be. Will you have somewhere to escape to if needs be? I spent most of my grandad's wake reading in the car. Luckily people put it down to grief rather than rudeness.
Can you keep the noise down here please thank you
Oh an I join you all. I am so pleased to "meet" people like me!! I am quite shy, but once I relax I can come across as fairly confident, but underneath all that I am a total introvert! I always need space alone, hate socialising.
We moved countries 4 months ago. I am quite happy without friends here, although DH and others are applying pressure for me to make friends and meet people. There are people here that I have met who are lovely people and I am sure we could be good friends, but I am just happy on my own.
I start at a new office today. Slightly having a freak out about it all at the moment!!
Christmas not celebrated in this country, so I have escaped the socialising, at least!
Hope things go ok for you today, Nutella. Like Pimp says, funerals are quite sombre as a rule, so hopefully it won't be too bad.
I took DS to the park yesterday afternoon, once the rain stopped. The part near us has a small playground and at first there was only us and another mum with a DS a few years younger. Of course the two boys gravitated towards each other to play together which was lovely for them, but as I'm so utterly shit at small talk I hardly said two words to the other mum . I'm sure she must have thought I was really rude so on the off chance that she happens to be reading this now, I'm not rude, honest, I'm actually really nice . I have a friend that would have chatted away, got her number and made a friend for life in that situation. I don't know how she does it. She met one of her closest friends at a bus stop while waiting for a bus! Sometimes I feel completely inadequate socially .
Kitty, I think the other mum may have been an introvert too? Otherwise surely she would have tried to initiate conversation?
I always feel vaguely guilty for not approaching other people in those situations (and for not calling my friends very often!), but then I figure, people have busy lives, and it's not as though I'd ignore them if they decided to chat to me - in fact it's a running joke in my family that complete strangers tell me their life stories at the bus stop, because I listen and nod, rather than just taking turns to talk!
There's a quote somewhere that 'no-one has more than half a dozen close friends, the rest are just varying degrees of acquaintances.' I think maybe introverts just have fewer acquaintances, not fewer friends.
I have to go and kick my team of builders up the ass this morning.
I hate confrontation.
I hate managing people.
It's dark and rainy and I would like to be tucked up at (our rented) home in a big cardigan not schlepping ten miles cross country to a freezing cold building site with no lights.
I'll probably be putting on my public persona once again.
Hello once again, lovely introverts who understand me and don't pressure me into being something and someone I am not.
Nutty you can do it, you'll just feel exhausted and spent afterwards. Make plans for an exit strategy with DH, maybe?
Pleased to see this thread. Just had one of those "Quiet" Carriage incidents (you know, the ones where because the train is full and people have to sit in the Quiet Carriage who wouldn't normally choose to that somehow magically means ^they don't have to obey the rule^) so am feeling like a bruised little peach in a world of harsh apples.
May I join you too please? I love having my own space and time just to be. I dread social situations - get quite panicky actually - although I do like spending time one to one with close friends. I am a SAHM too and like amicissimma I can easily spend the days on my own just pottering
I definitely agree about hating having to deal with builders etc, I even hate having to talk to the hairdresser!
There is a totally under-estimated market for mute hairdressing. I once read an article about some poncy hairdressing place in LA where it's company policy that they don't talk because they are concentrating on their art. That must be bliss!
Nutella sorry for your loss, hopefully as it's a funeral you won't the same pressure to socialise as at other gatherings.
BusLady I love your peach and apples thing!
I rather like rainy drop offs at school - everyone is in a rush to go home so no need to stand around making small talk.
I'm just going to sneak in here at the back... don't mind me.
Thank you to Norks and everyone that has posted. THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME! I thought I was the only who felt like this. I'm married to an extrovert and find it draining at times especially when we have 2 weeks away on holiday and am with him 24/7.
Hate crowds, large social functions (get anxious), loud noises. Am happiest pottering around, love going for walks, reading, like having friends over but only a couple at a time.
Merlot that did cross my mind, that she's possibly an introvert too. How on earth would two introverts ever become friends?
I always rush home from the school run, rain or not . Partly to avoid people, partly because I only have two weekdays at home so have a lot to do (housework, food shopping, pottering etc).
I am very glad to have found this thread. I don't think I have ever given it much thought, but having read your posts I recognise myself as an introvert!
All my life I have been told that I am aloof and standoffish, which upsets me because I think I am kind and a good friend. I try really hard to 'fit in' but ultimately fail because it never crosses my mind to do the things that other people seem to do - when DH works away I don't invite friends round, when I want to see a film I don't ring round to get a group together etc.
In fact, this does make me a bit sad because I enjoy meeting people on a one-to-one basis, or as part of a small group, but friendships tend to fizzle out as they gravitate to more fun people - the people who are hosting dinner parties and so on.
My closest friends are introverts -they're the ones that don't think it's odd that I can go for months without contact but still care about them and their lives - the ones that needed me to check in regularly in order to feel loved fell away a long time ago!
How did we meet? Well, generally, when two people try to hide in the same corner at a party.....
Oh, and YY to Madbuslady's 'quiet carriage incident' - I know exactly what you mean!
I think my problem is that I do care that there are all sorts of sociable things going on without me.
If I was invited, I wouldn't want to go. But as I'm not invited (because I've said 'no' to so many things that people stop asking) I dwell on the fact that nice friends are doing exciting things and sharing experiences without me.
This might just be because I live in a little town where everyone knows everyone else, it's very hard to be anonymous. I need the desert island from upthread, or - as I've always told DH - a little cottage halfway up a mountain in the middle of nowhere (possibly with gun turrets).
adeucalione - but if you went, would it be nice and exciting for YOU? Or would it be miserable and nerve wracking? Also, there's nothing to stop you from seeing nice friends, just one on one, rather than in groups.
What a lovely thread to find
I recognise so many things mentioned here in myself. Crowds don't bother me because generally you don't have to interact with the anyone. I'll happily walk down Oxford Street or through a shopping centre. GROUP shopping expeditions though.....<shudder>. On my own, with my DH OR mum OR sister is fine.
I was wishing the ground would swallow me up a few weeks ago when I found myself in a town centre with my DH and both his parents after having lunch and they had a sudden random obsession with not going home without first finding and buying me a new pair of shoes... I was painfully aware of not wanting to appear ungrateful, but I had not said I was looking for some (DH must've mentioned I was keeping my eye out for a new pair of boots, but I like to take my time), I was wearing completely inappropriate shoe-trying-on shoes and socks, and arrrggghh the pressure! I was NOT happy with poor DH, but I did get over it
Hen nights. <shudder> I still cringe to remember my own, which my sister made a valiant effort to organise and get me to enjoy. I was so aware of not hurting hers or anyone elses feelings that I went along with it, but I do wish I could've found a way to explain I would really really rather not, or would rather have a quite dinner with my close family. Noisy bar, awkward yelled conversation with friends I hadn't seen for ages, huge age range of people all pretending to enjoy themselves, I've never been so glad to see a taxi turn up!
What I want to know is this: why, when I have spent huge amounts of time and effort over the years going along with things to to save people's feelings, do the same otherwise lovely people not give the same consideration your feelings when you get brave enough to make your wishes known. Does that make sense? I remember my 18th birthday, and we had a big family meal out. I spoke to my mum and said I would like to eat out (as was expected by everyone) rather than stay in, but please, please, no public announcements or singing or birthday cake, we'll do my cake when we get home after. I told her I reeeeeally would hate it, please don't, and she promised. Who do you think ended up standing on a chair and what you do you think happened!?!? Of course I smiled and said thank you after, but reminded her she promised. She said that my auntie and cousins expected it and she didn't want to make me look miserable and she knew I'd enjoy it really, she could tell. ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!
Wow, this has become a big post, sorry. It's nice to get confirmation I'm not just miserable, I'm not!
I used to care that there were social things going on that I wasn't at. I think I genuinely thought I would be happier with a huge group of friends that spent lots of time together.
And yet...when DH and I did live near a few friends for a couple of years, and we had no children so socialised more, I didn't love it. I always wanted to leave early but felt I would spoil the fun, so drank instead (and often fell asleep which was one way of getting out of it ).
Kitty I think I have only made friends with fairly introverted people since having children. We are the ones who don't feel the need to talk to everyone at park / toddlers / school but still a few parents of children's friends have become my friends (slowly ).
Merlot, you're right of course. I do make an effort to see friends individually or in small groups, but am painfully aware that they are building stronger relationships with other people that they see more often now. It's definitely my problem, but I am not happy being an introvert and wish I could be different. Sadly have realised over many years that I simply can't become something I'm not. I just need to meet more people who like reading, R4 and general quiet pottering about!
Happily, DH, DC and I will not see a single other person over Christmas - they are all accounted for elsewhere. I am really looking forward to it, but feel a bit sad when people ask what we're doing and the answer is 'ummm...nothing'.
And I've just ordered 'Quiet', thanks OP.
Are they necessarily stronger relationships, adeu? Or are they just different? My best friends see plenty of other people more often than me, but when there's a crisis, it's me they turn to, and I to them. I find that a lot of socialising when you have a partner is as a couple, or with the wives/partners of your OH, but as introverts we're on the periphery of these groups, and that's fine - I can't do the constant text messages and phone calls, so I don't. Also my three best friends have met each other once, at my wedding. I tend to compartmentalise my friendships, but a good friend will understand that it doesn't mean I value them any less ( that said, all three are introverts themselves!)
You are not 'doing nothing' this Christmas, you're spending time with your family. My ILs insisted on this despite both being quite extrovert. They both had difficult families and decided early on that Christmas would be just them and their sons. Both boys appreciated the family time and they remain a strong unit 30 odd years later.
I hope 'Quiet' will help you to value your introversion and see it for the very positive thing that it is.
merlot has written almost word for word what I would have said.
As a bunch, we might not have hundreds of friends or a hectic social life, but we have quiet, thoughtful friendships that we really value with people who value us.
On a slightly different note, I think we might be good present givers as well <boast>
I have just spent a two hour dog walk thinking about the perfect present to give to each person. I have a reputation of being 'good at presents' <double boast>
We THINK about things ("All owls think a lot") and ponder all possibilities.
Anyone else care to tell me that they are good at this as well so I don't feel so boastful
Nice to meet other introverts
I don't think introvert necessarily means shy. I have a fair amount of confidence generally, though I'm a bit awkward with small-talk and some social situations, probably due to lack of practice. I also don't mind crowds - I commute on the Tube every day and it's fine, because everyone ignores each other and there's strictly no interaction. When you think about it, it's actually a rare situation where everyone is making a point of being introverted, and that's considered a good thing!
Actually what I really struggle with actually is social encounters I'm unprepared for, e.g. when you unexpectedly meet someone, and have to go from 'in my own head' to 'interactive mode'.
Top thread. How nice to encounter other people whose worst fear is being locked in a room with lots of other people they don't know and forced to engage in Polite Chat.
Most of my friends are more extravert than me, which I like, because they never run out of conversation. I have one fellow introvert friend, who is lovely, but because we are both better listeners than talkers spending time together can feel like hard work!
I agree that shy does not equal introvert.
I am not shy at all, and can actually do small talk FOR A LITTLE WHILE.
In fact, I am better with complete strangers than I am with acquaintances. Less invested in the conversation and fewer opportunities to over-think
But, I do need to retreat and get back inside my own head for more of the day than I need to spend talking to other people.
I don't have a lot of friends. A very small group whom I see socially fairly rarely, with the exception of my best friend. I see her a couple of times a week because she lives very near to me and we have coffee at each others' houses or something. I love it this way!
What does annoy me is that a lot of people, particularly my family, call me antisocial for not wanting to go out much. I don't really know how to explain that huge family dinners or last-minute plans throw me into a right tizz and make me very anxious.
DP and I survived Oxford Street and the drinks yesterday. We quite enjoyed ourselves, actually! I only wanted to thump about 34 people.
As for hen nights -- I have just arranged mine... At my own house!
Oh wow Ive just seen this thread ... could this be what is "wrong" with me <glares at family>
I am confident when I want to be however dont do well at parties unless they are a small group of close friends.
If I have been out for two days in a row (shops, park etc) I need to have a day at home where I potter about with DD.
I rarely answer the phone or door unless its a parcel or a friend I actually want to talk to.
It takes me several days to pysche myself up to make "important" phone calls.
As a teenager I was thought "weird" as I spent most of my spare time hiking through the countryside on my own in all weathers, writing and reading.
I can be confident when I feel I fit - so in my orchestra (when I used to play), when I ran the school newspaper etc. But if I was "put" in a group or expected to "join in" I used to get incredibly nervous, was actually sick a few times as a child when forced to stand up and do performances that i didnt want to etc.
Does that sound like I could be an introvert?? Does this mean I dont need to keep trying to "overcome my fears" and force myself to do things that quite frankly make me cry??
Yes, you are one of us welcome aboard.
Yes, you can stop now trying to be somebody you aren't and embrace the thoughtful, peaceful, quiet and creative person that you are.
This is why i started this thread and its predecessors.
I was so relieved to find out that I was ALLOWED to be just the way I am, and did not have to be 'bubbly', 'outgoing', 'up for it' etc.
'Anti-social' seems to be used only in a perjorative way.
I prefer 'self contained'.
It is interesting that people seem to be quite happy criticising those who are self contained, but it is not 'done' to criticise those who are out every night having 'fun' (ick). Although (and I may be biased here) we dont spend stupid amounts of money, drink to excess, vomit in our handbags or snog strangers . We are sitting at home painting or sewing or reading or baking. Why is that supposed to be so bad? Why do others want us to be like them?
No you don't Twinkle. Doesn't it feel like being let out of prison?
As well as Quiet I also keep recommending The Highly Sensitive Person, which describes similar characteristics and the strength and weaknesses of being sensitive - not right or wrong, just different.
hi ladies can i join
i am 34 have 2 dds dd1 is 7 yrs old in school
dd2 is 4yrs end of jan she goes to nursery half days - mon ,tues and fri, goes all day thursday and is off wednesdays
i work in a supermarket fri eves, sat eves and all sun
as i am at home with girls
it can be very hard being a sahm especially when it comes to socialising
as school i was very shy and got verbally bullied mainly by the boys, at home i was always chatty
when i got to college i came out of my shell as i realised that this was the only way to make friends etc
i was bullied a tiny bit at college not alot really compared with school
now i suffer from anxiety!!
i have been on ads a few times and am currently on them now
i dont have any friends in the area to see or chat to
i text one best friend but dont see her in person
me and dh dont go out as we have the dds!
family occasions dont come up very often when they do so much of me resists and i start worrying!! which usually results in going to the toilet sorry TMI- also have IBS the anxiety upsets this
i often take immodium before an event to make sure i dont need to go
i am fine with my family hubby etc u cant stop me talking
also i hate travelling dhs parents live up in hull
we r moving next month
I sometimes do some of those things Norks. Just in a very reserved way.
dd1 has dyspraxia wonder if i have that
also i took an autisim test scored highly
have always felt odd and different like i dont fit in
With things like using the phone, it might be worth trying to 'train' yourself to be able to do it easily, since it's a convenient skill to have. Otherwise, no, it's fine to be the way you are. And IME one of the nice things about being an adult is getting to decide what you will and won't do. I hate forced 'fun' activities and 'joining in' too . So I just don't do them any more.
Oh, the 'phone thing. Ugh. It has just taken me 2 weeks to pluck up the courage to call my wedding dress shop to arrange a fitting for my dress. And when I did finally call them this weekend, I actually had to ring the dressmaker directly. AT HOME. Which means that I could have been interrupting her from all sorts of things. And on a Saturday
I also score highly on autistic-spectrum tests - I wonder if that's correlated with being introverted. I am INTP on Myers-Briggs assessments.
I like being the way I am though. I wouldn't change it. It's just a shame more people aren't this way, IMO.
I score ridiculously highly on ASD tests. Also on ADD tests.
<cries> its like the last jigsaw piece has just clicked into place! Ahh the relief!
It had counselling a while back following leaving an abusive relationship and the counsellor didnt seem to "get" that my preference for spending time on my own was not a result of the abuse but that Id always been like that. She had me doing all these exercises to try and "rebuild my confidence" which actually made me less confident by putting me under additional pressure. Ive stopped going now as really felt she wasnt listening to me.
I currently have the excuse of being 23wks pregnant to throw at family who tut that Ive not been out every day that week or not answered the phone. Its funny isnt that pregnant women seem to be excused their introvertedness because its acknowledged that it makes you quite inward iyswim? Then as soon as you have the baby you're expected to go to ten groups a week etc. Maybe that was just my experience?
i also had counselling over the phone it definetly helped
Hi <wave> I think I'm an introvert too!!
have been called anti-social, not very exciting, homebody......
I just like pootling about in my own space not having to put up with the twittering of others....
I'm a cosy evening in in my slippers with a glass of red wine with hubby watching Poirot type of person... not a nightclubbing, noisy, bungee-jumping type....
I CAN be confident and am anyone's rock in a crisis, I just prefer to spend time the voice inside my head to those outside it (though that does make me sound a bit like a psychopath )
I think the ASD tests do ask questions about introversion, so presumably there's a correlation. I score low on ASD tests, but would score even lower if I didn't like spending time on my own iyswim?
I'm an INFJ on Myers-Briggs, apparently the least common personality type in the UK (strangely proud of that!). When I did the test it was as part of my GP training - afterwards we all had to mark a cross in a 4x4 grid for the different types - about 90% were extroverts and, out of 50 or so people, I was the only one in my grid square.
Maybe that's why I'm increasingly pursuing a career in academia - I can only cope with actual patient interaction a day or two a week. More than that and I get very stressed. It took me a while to figure out not every GP felt like this . I do provide a very supportive, listening, patient centred approach to the patients I do see, though.
Merlot and Norks - I wish I could value being an introvert but I can't at the moment, because it really does feel like there is something wrong with me - but then I only self diagnosed after reading the thread this morning, so it's all new. What a relief that I'm not the only one though...and I hope the book helps, it's on express delivery for tomorrow
Can I please join your thread?
How do you people cope with Xmas when you go visiting and staying at people's houses? I really like IL's, but I really hate not being able to retreat off on my own when it all gets too much.
I am definitely an introvert, I remember reading the last thread and thinking how much had resonance.
I have just ordered Quiet for my parents who are definite introverts. Am pretty good at faking being social although I find it absolutely exhausting and need to build in battery recharging time to every social occasion. My mum and dad are not able to fake it and turn down loads of invitations. They actually look in physical pain at children's parties/soft-play, etc.
Having children has really made me more aware of my natural extincts as an introvert. Before having the DCs, a few times a year - maybe 3 or 4 times, I would spend the entire weekend at home seeing no-one. I would come home from work on a Friday and stop to get enough food on the way home and then I wouldn't leave the house until Monday morning when I had to go to work again. It was bliss and then I would feel recharged until the next time. I can't do that anymore with 2 small DCs!
This weekend for example was particularly challenging. Had three kids over for a playdate on Friday after school. One of whom brought a whistle . Then the busiest softplay in North London on Saturday. I had to retire to bed last night with a headache!
Adeu, I hope the book helps you. I had my epiphany when I did the Myers-Briggs several years ago, after a lifetime of thinking I was just antisocial and trying to hide it, but it took a long while after that to really accept that it was fine not to be a social butterfly, and I do still talk myself into things because I feel I 'ought too' - the latest thing being a Christmas drinks party that DH and I are hosting in a few weeks time, that I'm secretly dreading even though I know everyone who's coming and it will get me out of lots of other socialising over Christmas. Because it'll be at our house, I can't figure an escape strategy [panic emoticon]!
Oh, the phone thing.
My car is well overdue for a service and I reckon it has probably affected the warranty. So, I need to call a garage, book it in, and find out the deal with the warranty. I've known about this for over a month. Have I called them? No. So now I feel guilty and daft, which doesn't help. I call/answer calls from my DH, mum and siblings quite happily, anyone else gets me in a tizz. I HATE things being sprung on me, I think this is why the phone makes me nervous. Then of course, I feel guilty for not speaking to friends who have called, then fret about calling them back because I know I didn't answer the phone, so don't do it and they call me back anyway which makes me feel even worse....and so it goes on! At work, I made/received calls confidently without hesitation.
FunBagFreddie - my parents stay at a local hotel when they come to visit us precisely for that reason. My mum is quite open about her need to retire to her own space after a day spent with us!
Please could somebody link to the original thread? I can't find it and I only found you on this new thread and would like to read the last one - it's all very comforting and affirming!
Hello Fellow Introverts, nice to have found you. I read the previous thread and wanted to join in, but in true introvert style, by the time I'd read it all and carefully considered what I wanted to post, I couldn't find the thread anymore!
It does have me questioning my true Introvert credentials though. So much resonates - weeks of preparation and anxiety before making a phone call, reluctance to answer the door or phone unless I'm expecting someone, needing recharge time after social events and a definite preference for my own company. On the other hand I seem to be atypical in that I really enjoy high stimulus activities. I love noise and speed - loud music, air shows, fast cars. I'm even looking forward to the hen do I have to attend in a few months time. I'd much rather go to a big anonymous Christmas party than go to a small dinner with a few colleagues (the pressure to make Small Talk would be too much).
It got me wondering about the correlation (or lack of) between introversion and shyness. Do you think it can also work the other way? Perhaps I'm actually an extrovert with social anxiety? I don't think that's the case, but it's got me pondering
Hello room for one more quiet one?
Reading this and can relate to all! Social occasions make me feel proper stressed!
Am SAHM and since dd started school am loving the chance to potter around the house - slowly though very slowly as am 32 weeks pg and quite uncomfortable!
My ds1 is like me loves to read quietly and needs a good rest after school. Ds2 is a natural extrovert and I can see that ds1 finds him exhausting whilst ds2 can go a bit funny when we have really quiet weekends! Am currently also using pg as a good excuse for my need to be quiet and get on with some sewing etc. Agree with whoever said that they cannot just sit doing nothing I would get bored, it's just what I like to do is nice and quiet!
I haven't really sorted it out in my head either Peaches. I have all the same traits you list, but on the other hand I don't have a problem with public speaking at all - love it usually. I think it's to do with rules for me. When the social rules are clear and I know I just have to get up and talk at people, I'm fine. It's less clear cut situations where I have to negotiate my way a bit that I don't understand.
I also love living in cities which is a bit counter intuitive, but it's because I feel more anonymous. Maybe that's similar to you liking big parties where you can put on a bit of an act.
I think I should ask ms Cain for a finders fee I hope you all enjoy 'quiet' as much as I did.
Sadly the previous threads were both in chat, so they vanish after 90 days. I have asked MNHQ to put this somewhere sensible so it can be kept for longer.
Got through it.
My tights fell down in the hall before we got into the funeral cars.
Only a couple of people came back to Nan's afterwards, but Gramps younger brother and his daughter and her husband came down as well. Got on well with them, as they didn't push. Felt very awkward around the one chap who hung around until we were all going, but it's over now.
Merlot I just took the Myers Briggs test today: am ISFJ. Ideal job - SAHM! Currently that's what I do but mat leave ends in February
I was at 80% on the introvert scale... Feeling pretty good about it!
Well done, Nutella. Now you can relax... Bubble bath maybe?
The Introvert Larkin Christmas Plan
DH is self employed and works from home. His works Christmas party is going to be just us two and the dog, at home. Good food, phone off, bottle of red.
For Christmas week we've rented a tiny cottage in the wilds of Exmoor - just us two and the dog. Good food, phone off, many bottles of red.
Can I join this thread but never trouble you with any interaction ever again please?
That sounds lovely PhilipLarkinwasright. We're going down to my parents, which will be awkward and unpleasant for all sorts of reasons not related to introversion
Henrietta - I also did the MB test and had 89% on the introvert scale. Ideal job not a million miles away from what I do now so quite reassured by that!
Hello, I was on the last thread too.
Very happy in my own space, doing my own thing. Have been a SAHM for various reasons for almost ten years now which I enjoy and loathe in equal measures. I am ignoring them whilst they squabble now as we have done playgroup, library, friend around to play and I have been talked at constantly since 7am. I have a very lovely husband who understands completely which is the only reason I am still sane. Oh and my large library of books!
I spent so many years thinking that there was something wrong with me and being unhappy. I only realised I was an introvert a few years ago and I am much happier. Strangers are much easier to talk to, I find it very difficult to sustain long term friendships where people expect lots of input from me -texts, calls, chat etc, so I have backed off a lot and its really improved my life a lot. There is a lot of psyching up required for social occasions but I'm fine if there is a lot of music as a) I love loud music and b)I can pretend I can't hear people. I've got an opportunity to come back to academia coming up in a fortnight and I am delighted, its the only job I ever wanted to do - all that independent reading and research.
As with everyone of these threads its so good to know I'm not alone.
Lovely MNHQ say they will move this to somewhere where it won't e deleted after 90 days, but I am at a complete loss as to where it should go.
It is not Style and Beauty or Conception or DIY or lots of other things.
Any suggestions? I don't want it to disappear again
And R2 is a demon poet. We a STILL loving the Weasel and Moose poems
This thread will probably move to fast for me to keep up with it, but I thought I'd pop in and say Hi to my fellow introverts! <waves>
You don't mind if I sit in the corner with my nice cup of tea and join in occasionally in between people watching?
selks whilst you are sitting there, please can you have a little think about where the thread should really live?
There is an 'Other Subjects' topic, but it feels like it deserves something more relevant than that.
Off the Beaten Track seems like a nice quiet corner . However not too good attracting fellow introverts...
i know wem!
I appreciate that we would rather be in a corner with a good book, or up a hill with a dog, but OTBT seems a little too introverted, to the point of invisible.
That's very kind of MNHQ but I'm also struggling to see where we might fit.
We need a kind of buddy bench like in MN Local but for all of us.
Off the top of my head, it could go in relationships?
I think we belong in Body & Soul. Do you think they would let us have our own little topic as an early Christmas present?
We could all sit and have a really good think, and put it under Philosophy?
I was also thinking about Body&Soul or Off the Beaten Track is also good!
We could do with an Introverts Retreat (or similar name) in Body and Soul. Wonder if MNHQ would be willing to let us have a new topic like that? <smiles sweetly at MNHQ>
We wouldn't be any trouble.
Yes, Introverts Retreat in Body and Soul sounds lovely....sort of serene and calmly sociable....
Ah there you all are. I have searched and searched, you were all so quiet I lost it completely. So a topic might be a good idea, but it would draw attention. Scuttles off back into hibernation.
Isn't it funny how, for a bunch of introverts, this thread moves faster than many others?
I think that might be a little specific, it would only be us in there! When we asked for a sugarcraft topic we got a baking topic .
Need something like 'personality types' or something. I don't know why, but the Levellers song 'there's only one way of life and that's your own' has come to mind
What about "The Quiet Room"?
I have asked for an 'introverts retreat' and will let you know the result.
Thank you for suggestions, especially soft kitty
Don't mind me, this little corner will do. I'm an Introvert in Hiding.
OooH, 'The Quiet Room' is really CLEVER!
That is where we are, The Introverts Retreat, The Quiet Room, The Book Nook, The Sanctuary.
Ohhh, I love the idea of an Introverts Retreat! PLEASE MNHQ!!!?
Henrietta - what do you do when not on Mat leave?
GP or even Dr were nowhere in the suggested career types for me, but after 10 years of training it was a bit late by then! Still, my patients and students seem to value my approach, and I'm not convinced I would have fitted in better in any other career...
My imagined perfect career would be novelist, but I'm scared of putting pen to paper in case it reveals too much of my inner life to people who know me (oddly, I have no problem with strangers reading my writing).
< gives welcoming smile and passes cup of tea to SantasStrapOn>
Cross-posted! I love 'The Quiet Room' also...
Lots of new intoverts here since yesterday I like the idea of the quiet room as I don't always keep up with these threads. Well I enjoyed my first day at my new job, nice small team and no loud shouty people. I don't think ds even noticed I wasn't there!
I agree that introvert doesn't equal shy or lacking in confidence. I've been a training manager and have no problem presenting to large groups. I just prefer to spend my leisure time doing calm, quiet things on my own.
I like browsing this website and dreaming of living in a lovely remote little cottage with overstuffed armchairs and book nooks galore.
Introvert's Retreat sounds like a lovely little space! If MNHQ deem it too specific for a whole topic of its own, may I suggest a topic for the long-running chat threads? There are a few of them, aren't there?
I had my meeting with the builders. It took far too long. I had to repeat myself lots.
Came home and my cleaner gossiped at me for AGES (smile and nod, smile and nod, I don't freakin' care about your generator/Tenerife/puppy)
Then had to phone someone about the new paving in the garden of the building site, then phoned the gardener, also had to phone GP surgery to reschedule DD's preschool boosters.
Looked at clock and it was only 20 mins until I had to pick up the children from nursery.
They yabbered at me, breaking off only to fight between themselves, from then until bedtime.
I have been completely over-peopled today. I want to put a tea towel over my head (like you would do to a budgie cage to quieten the budgie?) and not come out.
I am literally sick of the sound of my own voice.
I need some quiet.
I'm going to watch Peep Show on Sky+ then go to bed.
That sounds exhausting Verity! I hate that feeling when you're thinking "it's okay, I've got time to sit quietly and regroup" and then you realise you haven't and you've just got to plunge back into things... bah. Sympathies!
Oh I think I have found my spiritual home.
I'd forgotten about those poems norks!
DC in bed. DH just gone to bed. The house is lovely and quiet. I have my book, the TV and the laptop. Bliss.
I have found my people!
I've always understood introverted to mean that you get your energy from within yourself, while extroverts get their energy from the outer world around them. So we introverts need lots of time by ourselves to recharge our batteries. I don't think it necessarily has much to do with being quiet, shy, anxious around other people or any other particular personality trait (though they may be more prevalent).
Oooh, I really hope we get an Introverts Retreat (I'm sure there should be an apostrophe in there somewhere, it doesn't look quite right ), Quiet Room or whatever MNHQ see fit to grace us with. <offers chocolate to Olivia et al>
There are so many of us! I don't think we should meet up though. No offence.
We shouldn't meet up.
But maybe we could do an introvert flash mob of a lovely, atmospheric, independent bookshop, each in our chosen corner, just nodding in recognition of each other.
Staff would have to be briefed in advance not to approach anyone and asking "need any help?" though
Wow you lot talk a lot for a bunch of introverts .
Is there a meet up planned?i meet so many extroverts in this parenting world. I would love to meet a few introverts(am fuelled by a couple of glasses of vino). I thought introverts had been stiffledby extrovertsbut it appears not .......
Gosh it's hard to keep up with you all!
Merlot I struggled my way through a degree in medicine wondering why studying the thing I had set my heart on was making me so miserable. It's only now that I understand.
I now lecture in a completely different professional field which I love - van deal with a room full if people if I don't have to speak to them individually.
If any of you haven't taken the Myer Briggs test I would recommend it. I need to look up my details which I saved somewhere, but the thing I do remember is my 89% preference for introversion. Reading through all the detail really struck a chord and has helped me make more sense of myself.
Btw I love the idea of a Quiet Room. The previous thread really helped me to feel happier with myself than I have done in ages and it would be great to know where to find like minded
Oh dear, lots of people want to come round this week, 4 in total. One I've not met before and 3 very sociable, ring everyday family members.
The worst part is they all want to come over separately. I don't think I have enough awkward small talk to stretch that far!
My family love to go out in groups, go clubbing and host dinner parties. Its always a bit of a conversation killer when they ask me what I've been up to and its never any different.
Hey, just took the Myer Briggs test and came out as an INFP. It's very accurate.
An introverts meet up?
Is that an oxymoron, or would it look like a long walk on a hill together or a knitting group, or a library full of cubicles?
I would like to meet you, as I think we would get along, but then there is the introversion thing
maths you are funny
The difference is that we are not actually TALKING. I find it so much easier to write than to talk, because you can THINK for longer before you write anything.
Plus, For a lot of people, the knowledge that there are LOTS of people JUST LIKE THEM has been a joy, as it was for me.
<waves to Maillot>
The thing is, I'm not a misanthropist. Im interested in people and really enjoy hearing people's stories, one to one, I just find it exhausting and need plenty of down time afterwards. I got through my training thinking 'it'll be better when....' for 10 years then when I got out the other side, became increasingly miserable. Getting into academic medicine has saved me, as I get to spend 2 days of the week alone in the office, or teaching (which I can cope with fine), and a day a week seeing patients.
My adopted motto is 'feel the fear and do it anyway', which I think was probably originally intended for more exciting activities than phoning the plumber, but hey, it works for me!
I found Myers-Briggs really helpful, because I'd always felt that I was different, but had thought that was just my ego talking, and maybe I just didn't cope as well as others, iykwim? M-B was objective proof, that yes, I do approach things differently, and that's ok because I have my own strengths.
Anyway, it's a clinic day <girds loins....>
I'm just marking my place so if they move the thread I wont loose it.
I was on the other two threads too. <waves>
Strangely 'people' is my work too, but quietly, not 'hospitality'.
I have not read through all the thread so forgive me if this has been discussed already. < Mumbles into back of hand> Christmas. How do you all cope?
Sorry Christmas is in OP. innit.
I am having a lovely pottering day with DS (2) today. His big sister is at nursery this morning. We have been to the shops and singing group (lots of people, but no chit chat as we all have to join in and I can sprint off at the end) and now I am pottering in the kitchen whole he trashes the playroom.
And after lunch hopefully he will have a lovely nap!
De-lurking to say how much I appreciate this thread . DH is extremely extrovert and has thought me very odd for how much I enjoy staying in the house so now at least I know why I do it.
I come out as ISTJ and am a SAHM .
I asked very kindly for our own little topic.
MNHQ said NO
BUT, we are in 'Other Subjects', which is sort of apt, as I do feel like an 'other' quite a lot of the time; and it means that the thread wont disappear
<sends passive aggressive vibes towards MNHQ>
kitten IS underway...but RL keeps interrupting.
I'm an ISFJ and a SAHM - really interesting test, thank you for suggesting it.
That's a shame, I liked the idea of 'The Quiet Room'. However, at least we won't have to deal with the wails from people about how there are too many topics already and it really should be stripped down to 'Parenting' and 'Other Stuff' - which is usually followed by various people agreeing but with the caveat that their particular interest is oh so important that it should definitely be kept separate
I like the idea of meeting other introverts, but a full scale meet-up would be troublesome We'd need some kind of activity to avoid the need for small talk, like a games club, or something crafty, or something.
Ah, it was worth a try Norks At least we've been saved, as it were.
You can all come to my house. I'll get you all a cup of tea or a glass of wine and then go and hide in the bathroom.
There are two TV's, a very well stocked library, lots of cookery books, a year's worth of Elle Decorations, a piano and an infinite pile of ironing. Help yourself to whatever floats your boat. Top ups available in the kitchen. Alternative bathrooms for hiding in available on the other floors.
Norks I do appreciate that it's nice to find kindred spirits as introverts tend to be overlooked. It just seemed really ironic that one day after I'd posted there was quite so much to read through. I like typing too as I can delete things and try again if I don't think they've come out right. I don't like the fact that real life doesn't let me do that.
Do all you telephone haters much prefer email? I certainly do. I find it really annoying that every business doesn't have a website and an email adress I can use to communicate with them, even though I am quite capable of speaking on the phone
if I've had time to prepare myself. People at work get a bit annoyed with me as I email them about things other members of staff would just pop across and talk to somebody about.
Yes I hate the phone. I hide behind emails and texts, but even with those I'm not too reliable. I really like my own space and resent people intruding sometimes
Glad we've at least got a permanent 'home' if not a topic of our own - I guess we introverts are used to fitting in without making a fuss
I like email and texts too - I don't answer the phone if it rings - I have an answer-phone and if it is important people will leave a message... then I can decide if I really want to talk to them enough to call back.
Oh and * Mathsdidi* ... I sort of like being generally overlooked...
"Other" people think it is sad being an introvert but I find it quite cosy and nice....
I don't answer the phone either. I consider a ringing phone to be a request for my attention, one I can accept or ignore, not a demand which needs to be instantly dealt with.
my MIL does not agree
Me too, Verity! I have free will and am able to make a choice about whether I answer the door, phone, whatever.
Just as long as it's not socialising thrust upon me - bumping into people at the supermarket, gym, on the street, is my idea of hell...
i just took a test got 74% introvert
I'd conduct my entire life via email if I could. I detest the phone. Even worse is when DH's mobile rings and he asks me to answer it for him (if he's driving for example). He just cannot understand why I have a problem with this. But then I think he gave up trying to understand me years ago
I'm 100% introvert according to the test. Was quite surprised at that!
I prefer people to leave a message so I can call them back when I choose (if necessary).
Only a problem when I really should make an appointment with someone - DH thinks I just procrastinate but really I would just do most other jobs on my list in preference to the ones involving phone calls.
Hello from the middle of nowhere. I was on the last thread too but can't remember my guise then.
I'm having a chatty day today. Posted on several threads! Didn't speak to any real people though other than DH and dcs. Considered ringing a friend but didn't in the end. I hate telephones.
<waves to Greenhill>
Hello all. Love this thread. I work in marketing and if you're an introvert, people think there's something wrong with you. I've been told on more than occasion (in a helpful, but terribly patronising way) that I'm not very bubbly and people usually are quite bubbly in marketing. In fact I had one boss that only gave me the minimum pay increase in my end of year review as she said I had an attitude problem because I didn't mix enough with other people! Actually getting work done and doing it well was a secondary thing in her opinion.
Regarding the Christmas party, again working in marketing it's hard to get out of. This year, I'm on mat leave and am breast feeding so have got out of it that way, but last year, I just kept fobbing people off who were trying to sell tickets until they were all sold out and then booked the day off so it wasn't noticeable that I was still sitting at my desk while everyone else was getting ready (it's usually a meal in the afternoon for those who have to get off early because of child care or whatever and then drinks in the evening).
The year before, I did go in the evening for a couple of drinks, but mingled rather than sitting with the same people and just slipped away when I "nipped to the loo" so was only there for about three quarters of an hour. People were so wrapped up in their own thing, and getting drunk, they didn't even notice.
Hello. Just checking in for today.
Thanks Norks for getting MNHQ to move us somewhere safe.
Every time I return to this thread, I spend a great deal of time nodding in agreement with what everyone is saying. I hate making and receiving phone calls also and always prefer texts/emails. I just think I have more control and can put them to one side until I am ready to deal with them.
I am INTJ on Myers-Briggs - 100% introverted! Interestingly it says a good career for me would be librarian - I went to college to study that but dropped out!
I'd love to be a librarian! Every time I go to the library
which I love because it's quiet and people leave me alone I look in envy at the people working there. I could excel at that job.
Instead, like Luan above, I work in marketing and it's a bonus if you are loud and extrovert. I'm so in the wrong career.
Am back having discovered that I'm 89% introvert according to the MB test.
And I am also a fantasy librarian.
Does this chime a chord with fellow introverts? I really really do not get on any level practical jokes, either with me as the butt or even as an observer of someone else.
I also don't "get" the type of humourous tv like Jeremy Beadle/Candid Camera (accidental "old gimmer" revelation there).
In my defence i've been told I have a sense of humour but it doesn't kick in for anything involving what looks like cruelty or relying on someone not being in posession of all the information.
Is that an introvert thing or just my personal foible?
OccultGnu - I can absolutely identify with your post. I hate any humour like that. Like X-factor when they've set up all these awful singers to audition on TV so everyone can laugh at them.
Yes, OccultGnu, that strikes a chord (as does so very much on this thread!). I hate practical jokes and Beadle, think its mean and don't see what's funny about it.
I think I've found my place in mumsnet! When I saw your view on hen parties I felt instant empathy. For my hen party a (very) small group of us did hat making then went for dinner. I HATE hen parties where you have to do anything remotely attention seeking.
Interestingly I'm also a doctor, and spend a lot of time pretending I like being with other people. Practical exams where I have to act are the bane of my life. But now I'm 9weeks pregnant and as long as all goes well will be a SAHM from July, my dream job. Now just need my dream house with a library and sunroom with a piano and a window seat, and my life will be complete.
Massive cross post with six of you because I spent so long writing the post
I'm so interested to hear what other people do for a living. I used to be an editor but realised I hated the office environment. Interestingly, I also found that the solitary nature of the work exaggerated my introversion, which wasn't actually good for me. I think because my natural state is to go into myself, I can retreat too far into myself and then end up in a fug. Although I need lots of time on my own, it is healthier for me to have some level of human interaction each day! Now I am a student midwife, and it is perfect for me. Clinic days can be really mentally draining, but I find it's not so bad because it's all one-on-one interaction - so much more natural for me than having to act 'bubbly' and 'sociable' in a group. I think introverts coming into the profession often worry that they won't fit in, but I don't think I can think of anything worse than a 'gregarious' midwife Appropriate silence is so important in birth.
Incidentally, I thought seriously about becoming a librarian for several years (my mother and most of her friends are librarians - a very mixed group of extroverts and introverts). Librarians are my kindred spirits Careful though, many librarian jobs require LOADS of human interaction!
I'm about to decline an invite for Xmas drinks with school mums because I hate standing around in bars, I never know what to say and feel self-conscious.
I think I'd go if it was a meal though, I don't mind sitting around a table eating.
Does that mean I'm an introvert, or shy?
Just as a side note, the Myers-Briggs test should be taken with a pinch of salt as you will answer questions differently on different days. My husband works in HR and they do use these tests but only as a starting point to frame questions in an interview. I've done it several times and once even came out as extrovert.
OccultGnu I feel the same. I hate practical jokes being played on anyone (especially me), and fancy dress - I would never, ever accept an invite to a fancy dress event. <shudder>
I also hate surprise parties. I'd kill anyone who threw me a surprise party, to the point that when my 40th was approaching I made sure that everyone knew that under no circumstances did I want a party of any kind, and definitely not a surprise one. I even dislike surprise parties for other people, even if the recipient likes them. I just feel embarrassed and awkward.
I am a PA - I think it suits me because I like things to be organised and ordered. Although I am part of a team most of my interaction is 1 on 1 with my boss. And I don't have to participate in a lot of meetings which I've had to do in previous roles and hated.
Where have you been all my life? I'd like to shout me too but that might be a bit extrovert!
I hate, hate hate talking on the phone and would do everything by email if I could. I get stressed in crowds or groups of people. I hated the standing round reception door with all the other mums. Pleased now my kids are a bit older so i can just stand quietly in the bigger crowd with hood up. Can't abide small talk.
I've been finding it a little difficult becoming a mum. Solitude is difficult to come by and dh wants attention too. Too many things, please let me switch off.
Having said all that I couldn't become a SAHM. Someone mentioned up thread about being too isolated and I could see that not being good for me. I work part time in a small office and it's fine for me.
As an aside, I realised recently that I suffer from auditory processing disorder. It's basically where you have trouble processing what you hear and the messages kind of get scrambled. I've not been diagnosed but I KNOW it's me - bit like being an introvert. Background noise hampers the hearing process and also listening on the phone. It sometimes sends me in to a panic and makes matters worse. Sometimes I pretend I know what someone has said or I will will change subject mid sentence on purpose. Looking back I know people have thought me odd or awkward. I wonder if this has had a hand in my introversion? I suppose a bit like a vicious circle.
Bue, that's really interesting, I've always fancied being an editor (of books rather than newspapers mind you), but I relate to what you're saying about too long on your own leaving you in a fug (great word!). I hope you continue to enjoy midwifery .
Persuasion are you having mat leave or are you going to be a long term SAHM? I didn't dare take longer than 12 months, what with appraisal and revalidation and all...
Incidentally, I've done Myers Briggs twice, 6 years apart, and got almost exactly the same scores for all four indicators, whereas my DH's scores are different every time (he started off my exact opposite and is drifting closer to my type ).
Oh also, one of the worst things I can think of is being on I'm a celeb get me out of here! I just don't get that. Being watched the whole time on TV, having to live with a group of other people in a JUNGLE, shudder! You could NOT pay me enough. I would be really boring though so they just wouldn't be inetesretd!
I've been finding it a little difficult becoming a mum. Solitude is difficult to come by and dh wants attention too. Too many things, please let me switch off.
^ yes, this, exactly! Feel so guilty sometimes if I have DS (age 3) on my own all day and have to sit him in front of Cbeebies for half an hour and go hide in the kitchen for a while just to be able to get through a day of constant demands for attention.
I do the hiding in the kitchen for a bit of peace and quiet, when I've put CBeebies on for the DC too. Having a chatty DD can be relentless sometimes, especially when every story starts with the word "mummy" and if you say "sorry I didn't hear that last bit" the entire anecdote gets repeated, especially the "mummy" bit. Yes, I do know you are talking to me
I am so happy about this thread.
Thank you all for sharing and for all the 'me too's.
Now, I suspect we are all above average intelligence and/or creative.
However, I also suspect that nobody will admit to either
I've spent half an hour sorting though the laundry for old unwearable stuff. Was nice and relaxing. Even the cats left me be.
Norks you would be wrong in your suspicions. I am supremely clever and intensely creative
I'm not really creative but am definitely clever. Dd1 is following in my footsteps both in being an introvert and being rather clever, she's never happier than when she's in her room reading alone.
I'm fascinated by the fact that so many of us have jobs that don't seem to be a good fit for an introvert.
It seems to me that there are a lot of 'performers' e.g. training, dealing with patients or pregnant women.
And don't go retraining to be a librarian yet - our local library is like a bloody social club sometimes. I like it as no one notices what the DCs are up to but quiet it is not
Just checking in, going slightly mad as DD (19mo) is poorly and has been glued to me all day. Shes now in my bed so Im in for a night of being kicked by the baby and kicked by her. Managed to book her an appointment with the GP using the automated line though so avoided having to actually talk to anyone
Oh I'm so glad I'm not the only one struggling to get some alone time as a SAHM. 11 month old is still feeding during the night and I feel like I'm constantly on call.
I do hide during the day sometimes. 3 yr old is pulling on my leg now wondering what I'm typing.
I had the perfect job before. Administration in an office with 3 other introverts. We all knew how good we had it! Alas, all good things come to an end. The boss was replaced with an extravert and she changed everything that was scared. I got out just in time. Of course, she thought she was doing us a favour.
I always dreamed of being a librarian too. That or working in a garden nursery. Plants are so quiet.
I'm fairly sure I used to be clever, but wasn't ever creative. Now I seem to be creative, but not so much with the clever
I'm a SAHM, which I love, but also starting a cake business from home. I've always loved baking and am annoyed I wasted time trying all sorts of inappropriate careers (journalist, for an introvert, really?!)
Does anyone else have the same silly fear that I do - that one day I or someone I know will do something that means a news story will be written - it just horrifies me - the thought of it.......
<waves back at ostrich norks and everyone else again>
My DC are recovering from coughs and colds, I feel as if I have been on call 24/7, they aren't great sleepers anyway, but the night time disturbances just make me feel as if I can't even recharge my batteries properly either.
Yesterday I was sewing badges onto my DD's new Rainbow uniform until 11.30, then at 11.40pm DS managed to roll out of bed and wouldn't settle. I tried for an hour and then gave in, as usual, and let him sleep in with me and DH, it took until 1am for him to stop wriggling and fidgeting and when DH got out of bed at 5.30, I could only doze until my alarm went off at 6.45 as DS had his feet in the back of my neck and I was on the edge of the mattress. If I moved position he complained and tried to get up...sigh. At least he slept on until 8.15, so DD was nearly ready for school at that point.
Does anyone else set their alarm early, so that they have some peace and quiet, getting on with household chores, without anyone (other than the cat) clamouring for attention?
greenhill - yes I do! I feel really disappointed if the kids wake up early too.....
greenhill yes to getting up early to enjoy peace and quiet and have some thinking time. I don't think I could cope with the day if I got up the same time as everyone else. It's of much more value to me than a lie-in.
Merlot I started out in books - illustrated non-fiction, so cookery, gardening etc. It is a fun industry, with nice people. The pay is terrible though! That's what made me switch to online publishing. You could always foray into medical publishing on the side
Incidentally, I wonder if introverts make up a higher than average proportion of avid internet users. DH thinks I "singlehandedly keep the internet going" but it must be partly down to my nature - I love the ability to engage with the world... alone.
i go on the net alot
what do u ladies do in the evening?!
me and dh eat tea and watch something together for 30 mins then i feel i need to sit on my own and watch tv to chill for abit so i send him to the room next door he goes on the computer
Gosh you lot move quick!
Merlot the plan is to give up medicine all together. Don't want to count chickens before they're hatched though, coz it's early yet.
A while ago I discovered 'mylife in books' which is my ideal tv programme. Unfortunately it's mainly repeats now, but I have the tv set to record series so I occasionally catch ones I haven't seen.
Dh and I spend all our spare time together, but it's all very quiet calm and civilised! Although I do like the hour at home before he gets in from work to keep to myself.
Evenings are spent reading, on mn or watching Telly. I only get about 2 hours as kids are asleep by 8 and then I'm off to bed by 10.
DH will potter about practising his guitar or surfing so it's all very relaxed and quiet.
Was looking after DS and watching my daily instalment of shit tv this morning.
DH finished his lecture planning early & came to join me.
Wow that stressed me out! Poor DH, he wanted to spend time with me... So lovely; yet so difficult. It's that whole spontaneous socialising thing again.
Bue funnily enough I've been approached by a medical publisher to review a textbook in my area of interest. I'll have to give it a go!
Persuasion I think you're very brave. I've always been too scared that I just think the grass is greener, and after 15 years, an awful lot of my identity is tied up with being a Dr. I'm enjoying it a lot more since I cut down my clinical commitments, and I can earn more in 2 or 3 days a week doing this than I could doing anything else part-time, so I can have some 'at home' time to recharge. I loved maternity leave, but was actually ready to go back by 9 months, which surprised me. I guess I'm saying don't burn your bridges until you've tried being home full time!
I usually have 2 nights a week when DH is out and I get to watch TV/ read, have a and relax on my own. I really look forward to that time! DH keeps stressing that I can go out if I want, he's happy to babysit etc, but I get quite enough people contact with my job. He goes away several times a year socially, and keeps asking if I'd like a weekend away with my friends, when I told him I'd like a Spa weekend on my own, he was !
I am having a lovely day today
I have taken a day off work because we had a furniture delivery. Luckily, that arrived at 8.30 so now I have an empty house until tea time. The peace and quiet is bliss.
There are shopping baskets all over the internet with my goods in them
I have decided to grin and bear it and go to the work Christmas do after all (as I found out it's already been paid for so I can't really pull out now!). It's a sit-down meal rather than drinking in a bar or <shudder> dancing, so it shouldn't be too bad. I think the boss is an introvert too, one of the venues considered had a DJ and disco and he vetoed it straight away because it sounded hellish. Old eating disorder hang-ups make the eating-in-front-of-people thing a bit uncomfortable, but never mind.
I've done the MB test quite a lot of times over the years (mostly as a bored/procrastinating student) and the result I come up with most often, and that I feel suits me best, is INTP - thoughtful and systematic.
Hi I'm new to this thread but am very thankful that there is somewhere to post for introverts. I've jumped several of the posts but from the general consensus it seems that I am not alone in wanting to be left alone to get on with what I want to do with my life. I have recently changed to being self employed from being a wage slave ( and nothing more ) for about a thousand years and I am trying to use the time to find out about my creative side and what makes my heart sing. I dread with a vengeance having to make small talk and appear interested in other people and what they are doing, I am trying to work out a way through all the numbness that seems to fill my life at the moment . My family love me to death but I know I need more than that and I just want time on my own to work out things for myself. Sorry , rambling now...........
I have just spent all day managing to avoid a task, and now I'm feeling guilty for not just getting on with it....
I have to basically cold-call a long list of patients to see if they might want to be involved in a study. Can't delegate (for various reasons). Dreading it! Don't like the phone at the best of times, it's bad enough calling people I know or who are at least expecting my calls, but this!
Hi ClareM, if you have a read through the thread, some people (myself included) have found personality tests such as Myers-Briggs Type Indicator helpful as a starting point for understanding ourselves a bit better. Just a thought...
'being left alone to get on with it'
'time on my own'
Yup! You are one of us
Oh Merlot that sounds hideous. Even 20 years later I well remember the horror of trying to recruit patients to my crappy little fourth year project <shudder>.
I have been off work for a few weeks (work a set number of days a year so have lots of down time) and am looking forward to 4 days in next week where
1. I get 2 tube journeys a day to read and
2. Have hours in class talking at people and not having to do small talk / telephones.
Good luck with the study, Merlot. I hate having to phone people I don't know, so would also find that nightmarish.
I work in engineering, and my job is quite introvert friendly (apart from the open plan office, that is). If I don't want to talk to anyone, I can just plug myself into my iPod and pretend I'm doing something very important or urgent on word or excel. Although the more extroverted members of staff can be a bit slow to take the hint if they're feeling bored.
Bizarrely I'm fine with professional phone calls. They have a purpose; a structure. It's calls to friends and family I struggle with ...
Me too me too! So many things Id like to comment on but can't remember them all right now.
How do people react when they're overloaded and they're desperate to be alone? Unfortunately I can get a bit snappy. Then I feel awful, like right now, dd want to tell me her story and ds is demanding something.....argghhh
Nomad - I'm the same. Get snappy, annoyed, rude and loose patience altogether with anything and everything that seems even the slightest bit trivial.
20 minutes on my own and I'm like a new woman.
I have been a snappy bitch all day because most loathed colleague kept trying to follow me around.
I'm lucky at work because where I sit is pretty quiet and away from others and I only have my colleague sat opposite me once or twice a week. She's lovely, and also quite introverted so we have a nice chat then get our heads down. No inane chatter like some of my other colleagues do, just the odd 'would you like a cuppa?'
I work in retail.
<brain is numb>
Am getting a bit overwhelmed trying to keep up too. Also do phone avoidance.
Am bracing myself for trip to town tomorrow, Christmas shopping mission.
I'm Christmas shopping tomorrow too. I've prepared by putting a list together of exactly what I need and I'm aiming to be there first thing as the shops open and out again by the time it starts getting really busy. Then home, for a cup of tea and sit down, before DS and I hit the library in the afternoon .
could someone please put a link up of any mb tests they havedone
i have just finished my xmas shopping online do it all online
have bought dds presents from amazon
having a gd wknd we r moving on 20th of dec
went in new house to measure today was exciting
I was in town first thing, all quite calm, then as time went on, Sally Army band, choir of Santas, Another huge choir of people and Victorian Christmas Fair. By the time I had come out of first store the whole town was rammed. I ran away.
It's our Christmas night out on Tuesday and I'm actually thinking up excuses to duck out of it. I know the meal will be good - because I chose the restaurant! But I can't stand the thought of all that forced jollity with colleagues I don't know particularly well. Is that really bad?
AlwaysReady what I do is go for the meal, but drive and let it be known that I have to get home as DH has a pre-planned night out and there's an issue with childcare/ the weather is going to be severe later. In my case at least one of these is usually true ( benefits if a sociable DH and living in the middle of nowhere ), but it means I can enjoy the meal just talking to the people I'm sitting with, then escape before everyone gets drunk and stand around bars making small talk or worse.
On another note, procrastination occasionally pays off - I decided to leave the dreaded list of phone calls until today, then just as I was about to start got an email from a colleague to say we have enough people recruited, so I'm very relieved but feel a bit guilty too....
I was a bit sad this morning. DS (6) was getting ready for school and we were chatting about how last Christmas at school the teacher had an advent calendar and every day the teacher picked someone who'd been good to open the calendar. He said he'd never been the one picked and I asked why not, as he's always good, and he said 'No-one notices me' . Well that's just like me at work - do a good job, get my head down but always overlooked. As I've read on here before - the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Not sure what to advise him because I don't want him to have to completely change his personality just to get noticed.
Had to laugh though because a few minutes later he said 'Mummy, people annoy me'. I asked what he meant and he said that when he's trying to do his work at school, sometimes the other kids come up and talk to him and put him off concentrating. I told him that happens to me at work too, that sometimes people annoy me and put me off when I'm trying to work. Think he's definitely an introvert like me .
Sorry to sound like a broken record but I'm another one who has only just discovered (through this thread) that what I thought was me being boring/ no fun/ a bit weird / very anti-social is actually down to me being an introvert. Who knew? I have just nodded my way through the thread because so much of it sounds familiar and I finally feel like I am normal!
Does anyone else dread the words "but you'll have so much FUN" when someone is trying to persuade you to take part in some activity that probably is deemed fun by the extroverts out there (go karting, paint balling, clay pigeon shooting, karaoke etc etc) but is my idea of hell? From being 10 or 11 I can remember my friends telling me I was boring and had no sense of adventure because my idea of fun is a book and a quiet spot and a cup of tea and that has continued throughout my life.
You lot, in one thread, have just (and this is not an exaggeration) changed my life because I now realise that it's ok to be like this! Thank you !
I will admit, seagulls, that I did enjoy paintballing when I did it. I found that being an introvert meant that I could move more quietly, having practised the "don't notice me" style of entry into an area for many years. I also discovered that I was a crack shot. And that getting shot in the back bloody stings!
Ah now, you see, if another introvert tries to convince me something is fun I will believe them much more readily .
It was fun, until I got shot in the back.
Hello seagulls and welcome. So glad this thread has helped you.
I really do believe that most 'FUN' isn't and most 'BORING' things aren't.
In fact, I think fun things are boring and boring things are fun
Backing up what norks said I felt very satisfied after sorting through and bagging up 5 massive sacks of old clothes for charity / textile recycling on the weekend. We also took an enormous amount of glass recycling and a selection of unused electrical goods to the recycling centre.
It was not exciting, but I felt a sense of achievement at clearing the space, getting on with some long standing jobs and felt justified in rewarding us with a lovely Sunday lunch at a quiet local pub, where we were among the first to arrive, could appreciate the open log fire and just as it was starting to get busy, we could leave.
hi ladies -
i canrelate to latest posts -
idea of paint balling etc sounds hell dont do sports or those sort of activities
luv sorting out stuff is very theraputic
we r moving on the 20th of this month have starting sorting through stuff have thrown away lots far too much stuff has built up
i have been buying stuff do any of u other ladies luv buying stuff especially on the net
have bought some christmassy bits some homely ornaments
hae just ordered from amazon some magnets for new fridge
my luvs r :-
perfect evening - sitting on the sofa in my dressing gown and pjs watching tv and doing my embroidery on my own
my days r spent sitting alot trying to get piece
Thanks for the welcome, Norks. (How do you bold on the phone app??).
Interestingly, I have just backed out of a night out tomorrow night which I was dreading. No lame excuses, I just said "really sorry, I can't make it". The guilt I feel is actually cancelled out by the relief I feel! What I need to do now is learn to say "no" in the first place! Problem is, the part of me that feels like I should get out of my comfort zone and stretch myself says yes to these things as they're always far enough away for me not to worry about, it's only as they get closer that the other side of me screams "why did I agree to do this?!"
I got guilt-tripped into going paintballing once, and didn't enjoy it at all. Getting hit by paintballs hurts, and leaves massive bruises.
Still, at least me knowing about the bruises gave me the perfect excuse to duck out of going to the work paintballing teambuilding session that was scheduled for the week before my (very small and intimate) wedding.
If you are an introvert, what activities do you suggest to meet people of the opposite sex ?
Clare- My dad is incredibly introverted and he met his second wife (not my mum, he met her on a train as a student) using an online dating website. He was married again within two years of the divorce, I think he met about ten women before he met my stepmother.
Another introverted friend had some success with a creative writing group run by the library.
I like the idea of paintballing but only if I don't have to be on a team. I like the idea of being a rogue agent/sniper and sliding through the undergrowth unnoticed until BAM...someone goes down.
DH has gone to bed, its just me, the laptop, TV and a stack of books.
i met dh on an online dating website
I've got right in to a jigsaw, sorry absolutely no use for meeting opposite sex...
My dd often complains that she has no friends and doesn't get invites to parties. I was VERY what can I say? How do I deal with it? It breaks my heart. I feel guilty about passing on my genes! Sometimes I can't stand to think the pain she will go through. But I suppose everyone will go through pain in life, it's just in another package.
I went paintballing once - it hurts and I was cold.
Now Laser Quest I loved- sat in a corner and zapped everyone! A grumpy introvert's dream.
I like the sound of laser quest maillotjaune
Can I ask you all, did you get taken to pantomimes when you were children? Did you enjoy them?
I used to dread them. I was scared of the baddies, hated all the he's behind you enforced interaction, and the bit where they got some of the audience up on the stage OMG, I used to cower in my seat making no eye contact and hoping to god they wouldn't see me.
My parents must have thought I was an ungrateful little wotnot. I'd rather have been at the ballet!
I remember scary Panto. Also clowns and circus. Am V. Old so also remember hiding behind sofa when Lone Ranger came on. maillotjaune, I think we may have met on cycling thread. Have you read The Secret Race? Blimey......
Hello, fellow introverts.
I loved pantomimes when I was a kid, and also circuses. I still really enjoy pantomimes.
I wouldn't bother with activities to try and meet a partner. Do stuff that you enjoy and you might meet someone anyway, and outsource the looking to a sociable matchmaking friend who you trust to find you nice dates. Also online dating agencies. There is also meeting people online on other forums, and meeting up with them if you get on.
I loved pantos too. Didn't like the shouting back bits but rather the play itself.
I second Elf's advice. Do things that interest you. Night courses could be another place for meeting people. Going back week after week gave me more incentive to interact with some class mates.
I've been to LaserQuest once, 20 years ago. I liked the adrenaline rush, but was too self conscious to really enjoy it (especially as I wasn't very good).
My DP's took us 10 pin bowling once, I was rubbish and hated it. The next time my family went I refused to get out of the car, because I wasn't going to wear anyone else's sweaty shoes, I didn't have anything to read either!
I am very stubborn and refuse to do things if I am not instantly perfect at them
I enjoyed the pantomime and ballet, as a child, as my DP's used to take us at Christmas. However when my DF was at my DD's ballet performance, a month ago at the local theatre, my DH and I almost died of embarrassment at him singing along to the songs, drumming his hands at the musical interludes, laughing out loud and shouting back replies to the emcee. I was glad to not be sitting immediately next to him.
I am embarrassed by my DF's extrovert behaviour. I find it needy and attention seeking . I feel like an uncomfortable, embarrassed teenager when he is being unnecessarily loud and drawing attention to himself . When I say anything to my DM she says "oh, he's just being your father".
I am very stubborn and refuse to do things if I am not instantly perfect at them Yes! Me too!
I liked pantomimes as a child but I used to sink into my seat when the clown or whatever was going up the aisles looking for someone to go onstage. They picked me once, got hold of my arm and tried to lead me onto the stage. I dug my heels in and made it clear that nothing short of savage dogs would get me up on that stage. I was seven. They gave up first.
Minichristmas was it a thread about Wiggo?
Cycling. Now there's a sport for introverts - all in a line at the side of the road.
<Wistful recollection of a time when could cycle everywhere before pushchairs took over my life>
Yes maillot, we had a poem, and went to the Olympics. Watched Wiggo win. The book 'the secret race' is about doping, a gripping read.
We probably have the book here - I am glaring at DH's massive pile of bike magazines and books as I type. Will look for it.
I have had a week and a half this week - for an introvert. I have already told DP that I need him to take the DCs out for a couple of hours on Sunday so I can 'recharge'.
Have had endless, full-on meetings at work back to back, in all of which I was required to contribute quite a lot. This finished yesterday with a lecture to a group of students I had never met before. Today I spent the afternoon at DD's school, helping out with one of their class projects. And my mum has been staying so I don't even get any breathing space at the end of the day to stare into space in silence for a bit! I am EXHAUSTED - totally mentally drained.
Had forgotten where this thread was after Threads I'm On went haywire.
Survived DH's work do - actually it was fine, he works with some lovely people and I lucked out as someone was ill and I ended up between DH and the empty seat at dinner so avoided too much small talk.
Thanks to this thread I found a phrase that works when turning down nights out.
I've been asked 3 times so far and I've turned them all down by saying "No thanks, it's really not my thing and I'll just be miserable. Thanks for asking and hope you have a great time". I haven't fallen out with anyone yet from it. I've had a couple of odd looks, but that was it.
I have a job which requires me to be vivacious, present talks, etc..which I do very well.
But..I love being on my own, go on holiday without dh and dcs, adore the house being empty and never answer my phone.
I am quite confident at parties..if you met me you would never assume I was quite an introvert.
Hello... may I join in? I stumbled upon this thread via another one, and oh my dear life, did "an introvert needs quiet to recover from being in a crowd or a party" ever ring bells with me.
I crave quiet after being around people all day. My ideal "treat" day for my birthday or other special occasion wouldn't be a day at the spa, it would be a day at home, alone.
I work with the public, I'm in the alternative health field, and have to talk to people all day. At the end of the day I just want some time to be alone and not hae anyone want anything from me. I've been diagnosed with depression and burn-out a few times but, although I struggle with anxiety, I don't feel depressed, (although burn-out is a possibility) I think it's just that I never have time to recharge.
I will be having surgery this next year that will necessitate taking about 6 weeks off work (prolapse repair), and, although I'm by no means looking forward to more surgery and more pain, I can't be sad abut taking six weeks off work. Its terrible but I'm actually looking forward to the excuse to have masses of down time .
Hello Jacks welcome aboard.
I have been thinking about you quite a bit recently with your health palavers and it is always nice to see you around when I am having a little insomnia session.
The "down time' description is exactly right. It is essential to have a recharging session every day or I can't function.
Luckily the whole family are just the same. We are a peaceful bunch
Oh Norks, I do love you
Thanks for thinking of me.
It's funny, in general I'd say I'm actually a really healthy person... except for all these stupid problems . I think once the prolapse is sorted, and provided I don't get shingles again <shudder> I'll actually be healthy!
own head wood>
Have you always had insomnia? I have a bit of it, I wake up quite a few times in the average night.
Sometimes I feel like the princess and the pea. I need my foam mattress topper, a super comfortable pillow, super soft sheets, a dark room, quiet, the window open for cool/cold air... or I can't sleep.
I feel stupid for it but otherwise I'll have a crap night. Does anyone else feel liked that?
Actually in real life I do NOT do dressing up of any type at all...not even santa hats, as that counts as 'drawing attention to oneself' and is, therefore, outside the introverts code
Merry Christmas everyone! Did everyone cope with a chaotic day?
Marking my place because I'm so happy to have found this thread. Have read the first seven pages ... and was then inspired to go and find an online personality quiz.
Oh the irony of getting to the end and finding this strapline:
"Guess what? "Personality tests are more fun when you take them with friends! Post this quiz to Facebook and invite your friends to take it too."
Christmas has been remarkably peaceful, on account of DH and I (both confirmed introverts) hiding at home with our children. However, DD2 (the only extrovert in the family) is bouncing off the walls. Am tentatively looking forward to visiting grandparents this weekend, with the proviso that BIL and SIL will also be there. It will be crowded, but BIL is probably the only person in the world that is more introverted than DH, so maybe we'll be able to get away with lurking quietly in several corners while Grandma keeps the bouncy child entertained?
I had a lovely day, thanks, surrounded by the eight people I love most in the world, the cooking all worked out, everyone had a good time, and the best bit? This afternoon, after 48 hours of people underfoot, they all left again !
I even persuaded DH to take DS with him to return MiL home, so I had a whole 90mins of peaceful pottering, and now feel restored.
I hope everyone had a good Christmas and has some downtime set aside in the next couple of days.
Oh, and Norks, my DSis forced us all into Santa hats or reindeer antlers - I was cringing even having to wear them in my own dining room!
Hi everyone. I have been lurking on this thread for some time. I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel to know that I am not just an anti social sod.
I, like many other introverts, can be very confident and chatty when I want to be. I was certainly very confident at work. However, the thought of a large group of people or a party,fills me with horror.
I hate being the centre of attention and for this reason had a very quiet, secret wedding with only two friends as guests.
I go to a reading group that has about 15 members but usually only 7 or 8 at a time. However, the Xmas meeting everyone goes and we all do secret Santa. Everyone opens their present one at a time with everyone watching. I was last this year,and thought I was going to cry with the awfulness of it all,as my time got nearer.
I love my own company. I no longer work and could quite happily spend days at a time pottering around the house.
I think many people would be astounded if I told them that I am an introvert as I appear very outgoing.
Can I join?
Oh wow, I think I am home... Can I come in if I sit quietly in the corner?
So much on here that I recognise! Just did the test, INTJ, 89% introvert - and just getting DH to do it too.
I hate going out, cannot cope with loud social gatherings, particularly where the music is really loud and you are expected to chat.
I talk all day in work, 1-1's and meetings, fine with that, but need to recharge on my own in the quiet. Spend a lot of nights alone in hotel rooms, it is bliss!
Have lost contact with loads of people over the years, as I find it really difficult to initiate contact. To be honest it doesn't cross my mind to phone/text people, if they need me they know where I am - but they would need to keep in contact as I cannot be relied upon to do it.
Cannot cope with visitors at home, I do not answer the door, or the landline most of the time.
New Years Eve is coming, I am guessing others here find it difficult? DH and I made a decision a few years ago, we stay in and watch tv by ourselves. Why do people think that everyone has to go out and 'have fun'?? I just don't get it.
Welcome all newcomers to the sanctuary of calm and quiet where we believe that 'fun' things are boring and 'boring' things are really rather lovely.
This was my Christmas eve...log fire, comfy sofa, Christmas tree (lights on steady, no twinkling or flashing...too stressful ), mulled wine, movies, DH, DD, DS and me...all introverts but happy being introverted together. I think it was my favourite day of the whole year
Oh, and as for NYE...early night every year for as long as I can remember. I loathe NYE parties more than any other sort except for hen nights.
Shall we have a NYE non-party here?
NYE non party sounds great. I don't want to be kissed at NY thank you though, I'd rather sit in that corner over there with the good light and the comfy chair. I will bring my own book.
I had to go to IKEA today, DH insisted. When we got there he revealed that I get to choose my own sofa for the downstairs office, which he is giving to me as a reading room/study space so I can escape when I need to (it was designed for him to work from home but he doesnt use it and its a dumping ground now). Best Xmas present ever. He is an extrovert but very understanding of what I need to survive (both DC are pretty extrovert too).
IKEA was hell though <shudder>.
PMSL at "lights on steady, no twinkling or flashing ..." Am having a silent battle with our bubbly DD2 on this one. Unforunately she's now old enough to have worked out which buttons to press to make them flash.
(At the moment they are off and she hasn't noticed. Bliss!)
Our neighbours have a NYE party. Not only that, but they have a fancy dress NYE party, with cocktails and the children are expected to come along and "sleep" upstairs when they get tired. After a few years of feeling obliged/guilty/sick at the prospect, we have now learned that it's perfectly OK for us to say "Thanks for inviting us, but it's really not our thing". And to be honest, I think they knew that, really. So now they don't invite us, and we go to bed at the normal time and have a lovely lunch on new year's day. All happy.
Hello! I've been reading these pages over the last few days, sometimes when hiding out from too much socialising on those occassions when taking a book would have made me too conspicuous! I've been really interested in what you all have to say and it's been useful for helping me find areas where I can renegociate what I've got wrong. I've ordered the two books recommended on here. Looking forward to reading them.
I'm a clinical psychologist so have never worried about introversion being a bad sign. But over the last ten years or so I think I've pushed myself so far out of my comfort zone with the whole "feel the fear" thing that I have begun to struggle, especially with confidence and social phobia. But I know that I am not socially phobic or suffer from low self esteem, I've just misplaced my ability to look after my own needs and preferences and have become anxious as a result. This is only a recent realisation so I'm looking forward to getting back to myself, to doing more of what I like and to push myself less into arenas that I can manage well enough, arenas I excell well enough in but just really do not enjoy.
I can turn down a party invitation faster than... um, really fast things, and am highly skilled at leaving social things. I have wonderful friends who know I will not do fancy dress or go to parties expect to make a brief appearance at a birthday or other special occassion. Once a lecture or meeting has finished I will not hang about to chat. My friends know I'm just looking for space and those who don't know me, if they think badly of me then that is their choice. It's mostly work I need to work on. I have lost that protective boundary, pushed myself into teaching and leadership roles I do not enjoy, into too many situations that require chatting, small talk, which I cannot do. I was recently told "Oh, hello, I've heard so much about you". I was stumped, I do not do, and therefore do not know, the routine responses to this kind of common statement and all I came up with was "Oh?" leaving first him and then me to blush.
Sorry for the long post, feel like I've got to know you guys over the last few days!
twentythirteen that is a tremendously helpful post. I think I have done exactly the same thing with regard to work. For the last five years I have been working in a very "public" role, running a children and families' programme for a church. It is a role that has developed from something low key that I did voluntarily (mainly for the benefit of my own kids, if I'm honest) into a rather high-profile part time job. I can do it - I have got very good at faking confidence and am now comfortable speaking to groups of people about something that I am passionate about. But it does take its toll.
Your phrase about losing that "protective boundary" is really insightful. I am still effective at the job, but I feel like I am spending an unreasonable amount of time recuperating after every "public" event. And that takes its toll on my family, as well as on me. I've taken the plunge and said that I want to step down when my current contract finishes this summer. Which gives me nine months to try and find something more personality-friendly!
I think this year I'd really like to learn to look after myself better.
Jacks I was just reading your post about your forthcoming op and I can empathise with your comments about time alone. I had a bad accident last year necessitating a couple of weeks in hospital and four months at home. It was painful and inconvenient and I'm still not fully recovered from the impact, but, oh, the peace and quiet, the time to read books and watch films, to daydream, that part was blissful.
I'd rather not have to have the OP, but I'm looking forward to being fixed, and to the down time.
I'm sorry about your accident. That sounds awful.
Ah, thanks. It uncovered some underlying problems which I hope will be fixed soon by an op so it was a blessing in disguise. I think I am going to join you and look after myself better too. Good luck with the surgery.
Thanks, chicken. Am on phone and it's super slow, but yes, personality friendly work would mean we would be spending much less time recuperating from the day., I like that you've set a reasonable time frame, I might see if I can do something similar. Good luck to us! And jacks , I too can sympathise. I recently had a medical issue that had me home for three weeks. Although the reason for it was awful I was also so grateful for the peace!
I was on one of the original threads, but am a bit flakey so feel off it.
I am totally an introvert, and so is DH. When he comes home from work at the end of the day he always needs time on his own to recharge and when he moved into his current job (in a very fast paced, social, noisy environment) it took him weeks to get used to it and calm down.
I have a challenge coming up next year as I'm up for promotion, and have been given a number of objectives which involve raising my profile (read: more meetings, going out and seeing more people and worst of all - PHONING people) which I'm dreading and will be a massive challenge. Ugh.
I've snuck out to work from home. Does anyone else work in an open plan office?
Hi Absy, how did your OH learn to manage his new working environment? Are you thinking about whether to take your promotion or have you decided?
i enjoyed christmas
we moved house into a new build on the 20th so interesting
so have christmas and new house to get used to
my mum had girls 4 AND 7 while we moved in and cat was in cattery
girls back xmas eve morning and got cat back yesterday
went to my mums xmas morning till 27th now back in new house chillaxing find it stressful with girls off for so long not back till 7th and 8th of jan!!
they have been bickering
really want to clean house difficult with them
I know what you mean Snowflake.
My family ( 3 DSs, 23,20 and18. Plus DH) are all off work/home from uni. My nice calm home is no more. I can't wait for them all to get back to normal so that I can clean and get rid of all the Xmas crap in peace.
I love having them home (particularly the one who is away at uni) but I would love just one day of respite.
They resume work on the 2nd and go back to uni on the 6th. No doubt I will want him home again once he's gone.
Hello everyone, I was thinking of you all over Christmas.
Yesterday we returned to our own home (after several days at my parent's house) and it was an oasis of calm. My DH and I visibly relaxed as soon as we got into the car and were on our way home.
No more blaring tv; no more lack of privacy due to glass doors throughout their house; no more DF walking into the bathroom (repeatedly) when the occupant has forgotten to put the fiddly chain on the frosted glass door etc. It is so tricky living in someone else's house even if only for a few days.
My lovely DH has taken the DC down and let me quietly read / MN in bed as he keeps them amused, I feel recharged and refreshed. The favour will be reciprocated later on too.
Aaargh! Frosted glass doors!
Almost as bad as open plan (have never been able to see the point of that...I like little private nooks and hidey holes
I will never understand why people have glass on doors upstairs. Downstairs, I can just about get my head around, but bedrooms and bathrooms?
Christmas in the Molehill has been lovely and quiet, it was made even better when the kids swimming lessons were cancelled because the teacher was "ill" <again> so we had an extra day of pottering about.
I've suggested a bit of shopping but the kids faces of horror soon put paid to that, so we've been out for a few walks for some fresh air but that's been it. BOTH have declined playing out with the neighbourhood kids saying they "need space away from them" and anyone who knows me knows better than to ask me to go anywhere during the two weeks of Christmas - That's when I
It's been brilliant. Come to think of it, the kids haven't even fought once, a tiny bit of bickering when one hasnt taken the cue to stop and leave alone but that's it. It's been bliss. They've even left me alone and done their own thing long enough for me to watch a film...a whole film!
Salespeople! This is what has got my goat today. Been sofa shopping in the sales with DH. This is bad enough in itself without being stalked around every corner of the store by the salesman or woman trying to give me helpful advice. I'l ask if I want help!. Please let me look around in peace. Arrgh. Does anyone actually welcome this or is it another introvert thing?
Especially hate it in clothes shops. Well, I hate clothes shops anyway, but being hounded by a pre-pubescent stick insect when I just need to have a THINK about things makes me walk straight out of he shop.
I love Internet shopping.
And can commend Sofa Workshop in Bath for unobtrusive but properly helpful help (may not help you much )
I'm glad you've mentioned about sales people and their suggestions...can I add my tutors into that mix as well?
Exactly the same, I'm working or looking/studying and then they come up and make "suggestions" or "give me advice" which is not only down right sodding annoying and distracting but 9 times out of 10 sets me back an entire day when I was quite happy working away at a problem or whatever it is i'm doing AND doing well....then i'm pulled up for not asking for help. I've explained that it's just how I work but I was patronised instead with "There's no shame in asking for help you know"...I'll ask if I need it, when I cant find a solution to a problem MYSELF first. I cant THINK sometimes because of them and then I don't learn anything. What I have found surprising it's not just me either...there's about 3 other introverts in my class that I can work out and they've ALL said EXACTLY the same thing at seperate times.
In stores as you've both mentioned, YES! One store interrupted my thoughts so much so that I ended up walking out - despite the fact that I was working out how to get that particular thing into my room at the time. Basically, they had a sale until they invaded my bubble.
Sales people following me around stresses me out so much that I have occasionally been quite rude , saying "I am not a shoplifter, please stop following me around". Then I get mad at myself for being a cow.
So I've tried saying "I don't need help, I'm happily browsing, and I can guarantee that I'm much more likely to buy something if you leave me alone". With a nice smile if I can manage. It doesn't always work and when it doesn't, I leave the store. Which really annoys the fuck out of me when there's something I'd quite like to buy.
Molepom, you made me laugh when you wrote that bit "there's no shame in asking for help..." as if that's the only reason we wouldn't!!!! I don't ask for help because 1) I don't feel I need it/don't think there's a problem, 2) I don't have a question, perhaps because I'm contentedly working on it or perhaps because I don't see that there's an issue requiring more than me to sort it out, or 3) I don't feel ashamed at all but do not wish to speak to whomever it is I'd have to speak to. I could probably go on.
And when people in shops ask me if they can help me I just say no. I haven't been harrassed in ages so either they are all doing it less or I give off a bad vibe!
And, thinking about it, it's the small talk that comes with it that I hate so much. We bought a car a few years back and the guy kept hanging around (he was in the car with us while we test drove it [hwink]) and just had the most pointless things to say that left me at such a loss as to how to respond - but what annoys me is that I felt like to socially inept one! For instance, I saw my neighbour the other day and she said "you look well" - that's kind, but it's also an empty, stock "friendly thing to say" and I have no clue how to respond to it. "Why thank you, I've got this new cream" (why the hell do I need to comment on my toiletries? Do extroverts leave home with the expectation that they may be required to comment on their regimes?) or "thanks but I've not been doing anything differently... life's been just the same since you last saw me...(I don't want to talk about my life since you last saw me) or "thanks, you look well too" (why the hell am I commenting on whether she looks well? I don't want to comment on how someone looks.)
This has given me a giggle, have a good evening guys!
Happy new year to my fellow introverts.
I am tucked up in bed and have told DH he can kiss me at midnight he is staying up with DD.
No parties, thank you.
No first footing
No fancy dress
Don't mind a firework...but want to stay indoors to see them.
But I do love my family and we have had a special dinner and movie night with open fire, candles, wine and laughter.
Thankyou for sharing your thoughts and experiences with me
Happy New Year Norks.
I'm on the sofa, mning with a tin of Quality Street next to me which I hid from the kids and a cup of tea on the other side. DC are running from room to room watching the fireworks and think I can't hear them, lol.
Had a lovely time at home with DP and DS. A takeaway, some fizz and the Hootenanny. Bliss.
anybody eaten the tweed kitten yet?
tweedy kitten was on the christmas tree for a while! Now happily guarding my dressing table. You are lovely, Norks x
and you are funny pinot
Christmas tree kitten
OMG. I ventured out today for the first time in 2 weeks. I wish I hadn't bothered. School run was ok but the shops...arghhh.
I'm back at home now and dd (goes back to school tomorrow) is in her room listening to music...she's turning out to be an introvert too...lovely.
Just thought I'd pop in and say thanks for the book recommendations, I am enjoying Quiet and The Highly Sensitive Person. The bit about noise has rung bells. OH will have radios on throughout the house so that he can walk about without missing the score while I sneak around behind him turning them off as it rattles me. TV adverts can make me go from any mood to angry in a split second. And even my preference for gentle mood lighting, i.e. lots of low watt lamps as opposed to the harsh overhead lighting, is explained! I work in a very loud, brightly lit open plan office and these books have helped prepare me for the onslought of stimuli!
I was at a meal a few nights back and mentioned this, how I would happily spend a day inside without anything on (radio/tv) and two people were actively shocked describing how they would feel lonely, go stir crazy. It takes all sorts but the world I live in is designed for them! Even though I did not struggle with feeling like the odd girl out before reading these I do feel stronger and better prepared for having read them, thank you.
The advert I used to hate most was one for Radio 1, and said it was "the soundtrack to your life". Why would you need a musical accompaniment to everything you do?
I used to read on my commute on the tube and used to hate the hissing sound coming from other people's earphones. People used to take their earphones off when they arrived at work after being plugged in from the moment they left the house, they used to ask me how I could stand not listening to music, I said "I spent my time thinking about things or imagining I'm inside my book" I was inevitably met with a look of utter incomprehension.
I'm new to this thread. Well, actually I'm new to realising that I'm actually just introverted as opposed to thinking I'm socially inept/slightly autistic/oddball, the lovely Gilberte directed me here after I read one of her posts on another thread that really spoke to me, she summed up in one post exactly how I've felt for most of my adult life.
I've bought the Quiet book, only about 50 pages in but find myself wondering about little things, like how on earth the world of business has collectively decided that an extrovert that knows nothing is more valuable than an introvert that knows quite a lot. Is it just that managers tend to be extroverts because they 'talk the talk' and feel more comfortable around people like them, and the cycle continues?
Anyway, just wanted to say hello, hope you don't mind me loitering on occasion
Something (welcome to the thread),
I'm reading Quiet at the moment and that it EXACTLY the same thought I had about managers and business. It's a vicious circle but read on and it does explain that these extrovert managers do need someone closer to them in work that are introverts. She gives a few brilliant examples and why introverts are more than happy with not being the top dog as it were.
Molepom pointed me in the direction of this thread, and I thought I'd come and join you all!
I wouldn't say I'm an introvert as such, but I do enjoy my own company a lot, and get fed up with people in general at times.
I look forward to chatting with you all!
Finding, read the thread, it will answer a lot I promise.
twentythirteen I too could spend the day in complete quiet. I like to hear myself think and love my own company. When I lived alone I looked forward to going home and shutting the door to the outside world! Everything seemed better once I was in my own surroundings.
Dh can be quiet but dd is definitely an extrovert. She has to have your undivided attention and loves being around people all the time. Dd is confident whereas I was a shy child.
i know I am am introvert due to the following:
I like going out to lunch alone (need time to think/reflect)
I do not like to spend my evenings speaking to friends/acquaintances on the phone. I make all my calls during my commuting time or lunchtimes. Evenings are for me and family to relax!
I take a while to become friends with people. I know people who make good friends wherever they go. My dsis makes at least one good friend wherever she works and shetalks non stop about each new found friend. I struggle to go from acquaintance to friend. I have trust issues
I hate noises especially loud ones - bangs, speeding cars, motorbikes, TV too loud sets me on edge. I live on a through road and at the same time each evening a motor bike speeds past my house. On hearing it I stop and wait for noise to vanish as I cannot concentrate.
I hate small talk. Felt awkward when hosting dd's birthday party and some parents chose to stay. There is only so much you can say. I am far happier saying "Hi ???, how are you?, nice/cold weather isn't it?" and moving on.
I was wondering if I may ask if this is something that others sometimes feel?
I really struggle with group invites or activities like a hen do, or work nights out. I know it's quite common among introverts to not feel any desire for these sorts of things, but is it normal to really fear them?
I had to go to a large work function October, (I got an award for a professional exam and got an invite & would be so rude to decline, otherwise I would NEVER have gone!). I didn't know anyone else going and partners weren't invited I felt so nervous about it. It was like a count down of dread every morning I woke up I'd think "Oh God, only 3 more weeks until...". Anyway, I went, felt very uncomfortable and went home, but it wasn't a disaster or anything.
I've just got an invite to a friend's hen do, I would know only the hen and maybe one other person. It's a full weekend thing, and now I'm getting that same feeling of dread about it and trying to work out ways that I can only go for one day, it's on my mind constantly. Is this an introvert thing? Or is this on a completely different level?
Hi Something, I guess everyone might have different opinions, but for me I could totally understand fearing something that you have to do but hate. It's dread in an extreme form isn't it? I dread for months in advance the teaching sessions I have to give that are merely hours long - i.e. an extreme response. You were on your own in a social situation you wouldn't be naturally inclined to attend. There's a difference between panic, social phobia and introversion. Briefly, with panic you fear the worst but it never happens, and you have all the side effects like sweating, racing thoughts, etc., and it can be non specific, so you have panic attacks at seemingly random moments. With social phobia what you fear might happen, perhaps an experience of humiliation or rejection that leaves you sensitive to it happening again or in certain public arenas. With introversion you might get confusing signals that make you think it's one or the other, because most poeple have experienced some of this in their lifetime, but if you have reasonable self esteem (I don't mean thinking we're all wonderwoman but feeling reasonably much like most people with some specific things that you're proud of) but just prefer not to be in crowds etc., then it would be more about you needing to look after your preferences. For what it's worth...
I'm delighted to join you all
I also work in an open plan office and hate it, made worse by working in a small space and too many people in it. Luckily with my job I can work sometimes in anther part of the building alone, but this doesn't happen enough for my liking. Once or twice a day I even go to the toilet when I don't need to, just to be alone and compose myself.
I travel round the country alone fairly often and relish the time doing this. I never ever get lonely in hotels - I'm happy writing in my diary, watching TV, and reading, thank you very much.
I generally hate parties and would do anything to avoid ones where I hardly know anyone. I don't walk into parties alone as it's too much.
I spend a huge amount of time in libraries and feel fortunate that in London there's so many. It's just great to get away from the hustle and bustle and potter around in them. I always make a point of visiting city centre libraries wherever I am even if I'm pushed for time.
Can't wait to read Quiet.
Hi Twenty, thank you for your reply. I do panic and think the worst, although by nature I tend to always try and plan for the worst so that anything else is a pleasant surprise But yes you're right, it is an extreme reaction.
At the last dinner, I left feeling that it was as much of a success as it could be as I didn't feel I'd made a fool of myself and was probably instantly forgettable. Ideal for me. To some of my friends, being forgettable would be a disaster so they don't understand it. I do understand that the point of these functions is to sell yourself etc. I can't do that so invites to these are a bit wasted on me. My work is good as I'm very into the detail, so I'd prefer that to be noticed for itself than for me to have to tell everyone it's good. Meh.
One of my biggest worries with those sort of functions is that someone will turn round and say "So, Something tell us something interesting about yourself" or "tell us a story!" etc, that's what makes me panic. Even though I have lots I could say, words don't come out right with people I don't know.
Hi Southeast, totally agree about the travelling thing. I used to work away during the week in a team that
had too much time to chat and not enough work were very social and my God, I LOVED getting into my dull, dreary hotel room at the end of the day, door closed to the world, quick phone catch up with DP, then the news on, room service, online (window) shopping and reading. Pure bliss. I was also happy to go out to a restaurant alone with a book, rather than go with people I'd spent all day at work with, I just like some time time to decompress. Although the fact they often wanted to go to strip clubs after dinner may have influenced that too!
Also, to echo what Bumble said, I also love to take a work lunch alone, it's where I sort out errant thoughts!
I can't walk into parties alone, although I've recently become ok with being in a bar alone if friends are running late, as long as I'm prepared for it and have something to read - I can't just rock up to the bar and sit and make chat with the barman the way my friends can do!!!
Southeast, I go into the toilet to have time to myself too! And agree with you and Something about ways we enjoy having time alone. I also think I say very little or just try to be nice in order to avoid being the centre of attention at meetings and things, but that has its draw backs and today for the first time I engaged in a battle between me and one other (more senior/power) person in front of others in a meeting rather than just be nice and concede for fear of being the centre of attention. I did have to comfort myself afterward with the idea that I'd stood up for myself appropriately rather than feeling awful for causing a scene or making the other person irritable, and also comforting myself for finding it hard rather than thinking "My nereves are all jangly now, I'm not good at this". I think having been much more conscious of my needs over the last several weeks around being sensitive to my surroundings, as opposed to incapable, has really helped a lot. My thanks to you all and the books!
Have been directed here as an out and out introvert !!
Can I join?
Well done Twenty on standing up for yourself. I actually think that when people who are usually quiet and agreeable in meetings speak up, it has much more of an impract than when the usual crowd do. People will think "well she wouldn't have said that unless she felt really strongly about it, so maybe I should listen".
Thanks something, I have since come to feel less sure about it so the reassurance istimely! Hi dede!
Snow is LOVELY isn't it?
We are trapped on the farm in 4" of snow and it is peaceful and quiet.
DH working away on the computer, DS playing the ukulele, I am making a dressing gown.
We have all had a very happy time pottering today with nobody stressing us or wanting anything from us.
It feels a bit like a desert island. Quite a snowy one, but a desert island with plenty of food and internet and more than eight records and a log burner. I feel no need to build a raft, although DH is getting twitchy and saying he needs a newspaper (!) we are 3 miles from the nearest shop, and at least one of those miles is covered in snow. I expect the shop would be shut, too
Norks, sounds bliss!
I would really like to reply to someone asking me, 'why are you so quiet?' with 'why are you so rude'.
Hi, can I join in?
I also hate the "why are you do quiet" question. I will have to try that response sometime.
so* predictive text is a pain sometimes
Can I bump this thread?
Don't know what I was doing in late November when you all found each other but I too have recently read Susan Cain's Quiet and have felt a) hugely relieved and b) immensely angry that all along, I thought it was Just Me (as per everyone upthread) when actually, we're a breed. A subspecies. There is nothing wrong with us, there is plenty right.
Can we discuss parenting from an introvert perspective? Please? A few posts upthread about everyone - DCs, DPs, DH's - always needing/wanting your attention when all you want to do is potter/hide/regroup/run away really, really, really resonated with me.
Being a workding parent - two school-age DSs, one DH, mostly extroverts - has cut down my recovery time to less than nothing. Would love to hear others' strategies to negotiate/carve out alone-time when the mountain of duties is so huge and others' need for you is so great.
I think I must be an introvert as well - socialising is exhausting and I long to be on my own .
Yes I would like a discussion on parenting from an introvert POV .
I worry so much that I'm a bad role model for my 20 year old son who has zero social life .
Mainly because he can't be arsed ( too much on line gaming ) but perhaps he has no motivation .
This may have been said before but I noticed how books seems to figure in many posts .
Heaven is a book in my view .
Someone said to me today that some people have " a strong internal world " .
Perhaps that's us ?
Just marking my place as have been sent in by Norks.
I will leave you now to wander about on your own
hope2 I keep popping upstairs to tidy something up, or bring something down; leaving my DC alone playing / shouting / watching CBeebies / being noisy and I end up lying on my bed watching the squirrels or birds in the garden and reading until they shout for me again. Sometimes I feel like a teenager as I spend time being quiet in my bedroom or hiding out in a different one to them re-shelving books / putting toys away / tidying up etc. I find the endless noise tiring and need to recharge before I'm back to answer 20 questions
Once I've recharged my batteries though I'm happy to join in scooting up and down the sitting room, driving a bus to Playgroup, or reading a seemingly endless supply of books to my toddler. The recharging / having a quiet five minutes is vital though.
Though this is naturally a quiet thread, I do like that it keeps trickling on, and every so often we have a little gentle chat
My DC are both introverts and always have been. They couldn't stand to be overstimulated even when very little, needed a lot of quiet time, playing with teeny tiny things, looking at books, and, I am sorry to say, watching the same video over and over again (Aladdin, I know it word by word even now, 16 years later). DH is an introvert as well, we love spending time together, but doing our own thing in the same room, rather than doing things together.
DS, DH and I were all gardening this afternoon, but apart from when someone needed a hand, we each chose a job we liked to do and got on with it on our own.
Together but separate.
Watching birds in the garden is on my top ten perfect ways to spend time
Just when I thought Mn couldn't get any better I found the introverts collective
Hello <awkward wave>
Gonna jump right into the parenting as an introvert and say yy to the recharging / hiding thing. I have a preschooler & toddler at home during the day and it drives me bonkers sometimes. I honestly have no clue how anybody manages to keep their attention focused all day. I live for the quiet hour late at night when everyone else is snoozing and can just have a good think
My older dd is very extroverted and I've worked really hard to make sure she feels she can always bring friends around and discuss friendships but I'm in the dark a lot of the time. My preschooler is the definitive of introvert, very deep, thoughtful sensitive little soul.
I must read that book-Quiet-Top of my list. Hope you're all good, look forward to catching up with you all
I've just stumbled upon this thread. Once upon a time I did a self assessment and it came out that I was an introvert. People that knew me said it was rubbish as because I can sing to 200 people on stage therefore I am an extrovert. I love to sing. Ask me to go into a pub on my own and I would get a head ache. I also dont socialise as it is too full on (unless I am running my cub group). I love doing jig saws or weeding in the garden on my own.
I am the youngest child by 8 years and played a lot on my own.
I have also noticed that DT2, the less gregarious, like small stuff like lego, models and small farm animals. DT1 is into trampolining and bikes and fast stuff. The penny has dropped that me and DT2 are more alike than I thought.
I shall be dropping by..........
Hello fellow introverts. Glad that this thread continues to be helpful
I think the 'you can't be an introvert because you sing in front of people' etc is quite common. I am a jewellery tutor and can be lively and full on when I am teaching, but that is a performance, it's my job, not who I am.
I absolutely adore my job, but the best times of my life are pottering, walking or making things alone and having a little think.
<pops head round door and waves to all>
Meryl, I'm also the youngest child, by 9 years, I wonder if there is something in that?
I had a lot of little friends to play with round my street, but I don't remember any time being distressed by having to play on my own at home.
I still enjoy it now, me and DP sit together on sofa cuddled up, but he
plays football manager sits on his laptop and I read mumsnet.
Really glad this thread is still going, I I was thinking about it on Friday.
We went to PILs for a family party - all very low key, afternoon tea type thing but even then there were a lot of us with BILs family, nieces, nephews etc. They are all so lovely but I found myself going to the bathroom every half an hour or so just to have some peace and not have to talk to anyone for five minutes! It made me realise that I used to do that at work all the time in my previous job which was full time and far busier than my current one. I would frequently go to the loo and just sit there with my head resting on the wall just get some me time. Just wondered if anyone else uses going to the bathroom as their recharge time? Of course even that is difficult with both DS who are convinced I want company AT ALL TIMES when in the bathroom!
Merly and Somethingtothinkabout also the youngest by a decade here. Spooky!
I work in PR and manage to put on a fairly good show at work, but fantasise about working in a library.
Have just had the most awful experience at church. We had a visiting musician with a guitar, making us wave our hands about, repeat his motivational phrases to the person next to us and then he (shudder) encouraged us to dance.
Us introverts huddled down the back, shellshocked.
I wanted t be a marine biologist or count penguins on a remote island!
Another wannabe librarian here
And yy to frequent loo breaks for the headspace. I worked in a call centre (god only knows why) the combined energy of 5000 employees in one building almost drove me to insanity
Happily sahm now!
How is everyone? Did you enjoy Easter? We are visiting relatives next week and going to York with the DC for the first time. Has anyone got any entertainment suggestions?
Has anyone else seen the "are you an INTJ thread that is kicking about"? Apparently female INTJ's are the worst personality types
In more cheerful news, in spite of the random snow showers the birds are very busy around here. Free food every day brings them out in hordes My DP's spotted a garden warbler, which is apparently unusual in South Wales at this time of the year. Goes to look at RSPB website...
I can't tell you how glad I am to have found this thread. Have longed for a rant on MN for ages but have always feared a proper flaming.
I've always been an introvert - I was an only child and I think that has a lot to do with it, having to entertain myself/make my own fun etc. I look back very fondly on my childhood (am now 30) although I did strangely envy people with siblings! I suppose the bustle of a busy house was attractive because it was so different to my quiet home life, but I could always break away from it.
Trouble is, I seem to have a knack of attracting quite clingy people who seem to value quantity over quality - i.e. to be a Good Friend you have to be in touch several times a week, and meet up at least once in that time. I wish I was like that, and believe me I've tried, but being an introvert (and a SAHM) I don't feel I have anything particularly interesting to say and really struggle with the regular small talk. I'm also conscious of not wanting to bore people. One friend in particular gets quite defensive and I always come away feeling drained and a bit worse about life because I've spent a large part of the time together apologising for myself and justifying (or not!) why I can't be at her beck and call.
I do have a set of lovely friends from school, plus my oldest friend from v early childhood, and I see most of them three or four times a year. They're all perfect because we get together and talk nonsense, laugh and share comfortable silences, and it's like we saw each other yesterday. No awkwardness, no hard feelings or note-keeping on who last made contact.
Sorry this has turned into a horrible rant (and I do wonder sometimes how I have any friends at all!)
I had people over yesterday and it did my head in. Can't keep hiding in the loo when you are the host really.
Ah, I hide in the kitchen when I'm the host! Although then someone will take it upon themselves to "keep me company" so not only have I got to make small talk but I've got to do it while I'm trying to cook!
I have a meeting this week away from the office which entails a two hour car journey each way with just me and a colleague. And it's a colleague who likes to chat. No escape . DH says just put the radio on and say you want some peace and quiet. If only I had the courage (audacity!) to do that, my life would be much easier.
Another introvert here; haven't read "Quiet", but I read the reviews when it came out and made a note I ought to read it.
Just to blast apart the youngest child theory, I am a middle one, with an extrovert either side and was permanently being moaned at as a child as I kept escaping to my room to read a book.
Dh is also an introvert and we make space for one another, as well as time together. Ds1, despite being mr confident ,is also an introvert and retreats to his own space to play by himself regularly.
For greenhill, if I'm not too late and you've already been to York, we returned today. Dc favourite places were the museum gardens, railway museum (in repeated short doses, very busy) and Dig, the archaeological museum.
Does anyone else with an extrovert OH worry that the DC prefer being with him? One DC is an extrovert and the other an introvert but both adore their Dad because he is always taking them out places as he can't sit still or be alone!
Just popping back t see if mandragora has made it over here yet. She is worrying about the school run.
I used to manage quite well when I had DS in a pushchair, or a dog on a lead, as it was something else to focus on, but I really enjoyed the walk back home completely alone, and the front door shutting behind me when I got in was blissful
How did you get on seagulls?
Morning all, finally reading Susan Cain's Quiet. Finding it really inspiring. Anyone else reading it at the moment?
Really struck a chord with the points about introverts really finding the Internet a great way to communicate.
Wishing you all a very peaceful day with little interruption
oopla isn't it just brilliant? like somebody telling you a wonderful secret
Thanks for the suggestions wearymum we enjoyed the National Railway Museum, but didn't get a chance to go to Dig. Will remember it for another time though .
The DC loved The Wheel of York, but I had to grin and bear it as I'm not great with heights. I'm trying not to pass on my fear though.
Does anyone else pretend they aren't scared of heights, snakes, barking dogs etc so that their DC won't have an irrational fear of them?
norks I am exactly the same once I've dropped my DC off at school and Playgroup. It is such a relief to not be talked at continuously I'm only on my own for a few hours a week, but I find the silence energising.
It worked out ok in the end, Norks, thanks. My colleague went separately so I ended up travelling with my boss, which is still infinitely harder than travelling alone but at least we just talked about work all the way. He doesn't do small talk either and in fact is quite happy to just listen to the radio for a while too so it was bearable.
I've realised since the DC went back to school / nursery after Easter how much more draining I find school days, where their energy and noise is concentrated into 2 hours before school and 3 hours afterwards, compared to school holidays where it's a steady onslaught of general noise all day, which somehow seems more bearable. Does that make any sense?
seagulls I know what you mean about school holidays being less draining. It is easier to get DC out of the door for a fun activity when there isn't a set time for leaving the house. A 'steady onslaught' of noise sums up my house too
I'm glad the car journey was bearable too.
Have just ordered "Quiet".... Only 388 posts later! You can tell I don't rush into things, can't you?
Can I join? I can't even cope with 2 people having a conversation with me. It freaks me out. I also loathe and hate noise.
In fact I think I want to live in a sensory deprivation tank thing
oranges pull up a cosy chair in the book nook and we will leave you alone for a little while in peace
I have had a blissful day gardening with our lovely nearly deaf and introverted gardener.
We chat about important things like mulch and how to stop the sheep getting into the garden, but then we happily work on our own projects at opposite ends of the garden.
I saw my first swift of the year today...always makes me insanely happy...and planted twelve tiny box bushes and chopped great lumps out of the creeper that climbs over the pergola.
When I got undressed I had a sort of bra on under my clothes made of dirt that had found its way down my cleavage
A day that ends with me covered in dirt, paint, varnish, glue, wallpaper paste, flour, thread, oil or seawater is ALWAYS a good day
Ok, I have a question:
A number of people on here (me included) have only just discovered "what we are", i.e, not boring or weird or miserable or anti-social, just introverted. We mustn't have been told as we were growing up that this is ok, or normal, otherwise we wouldn't all be so relieved to find this thread. I never had a conversation even close to covering anything like this with my parents. A lot of us must have grown up believing that it was a negative aspect of our personality.
So, how do we stop the same thing happening to our introvert DC? How and when do we tell them that it's ok to be like this, bearing in mind there is always the risk of making them feel it is a negative when actually they'd never even considered it was!!
That day sounds blissful, by the way, Norks. My garden looks like a war zone because of the wind. I daren't go in it for risk of being clobbered by random flying debris
Well, for a start, your Dc are lucky enough to have you as a parent.
So when they just want to read all day, or don't want to talk because they are thinking, or would rather not go to a party...you will be sympathetic.
It is, as with so many aspects of parenting, all about finding out who they are and helping them to become who they are meant to be.
I am lucky in that my DH and both DC are fairly introverted, so this has never been a problem. I do sometimes wonder how I would have coped with an extrovert child. How would I have supported her? How would I have stopped myself from criticizing her?
Well, that's really kind of you, Norks, though I suspect the DC would disagree with you
DS1 is clearly an introvert and I do feel guilty about situations I have put him in in the past (when I thought he was just being anti-social) which will probably have been horrible for him. Now I know that it is safer to refuse a party invitation if he doesn't want to go than to take him and make him and probably everyone else miserable. I also know that if we have a lot of family over to our house at the same time, he will invariably disappear at some point. Mind you, so will I
DS2 is only 3 but is looking already like he is going to be much more extroverted. He is totally at ease in social situations and just wants to talk... And talk... And talk... I half admire and envy him and half just wish he'd have a quiet moment every now and then!
Seagulls- re your point about not passing on negative images. One been thinking about this too. The first thing I'm going to do is stop using the word 'shy'. I do it all the time when ds doesn't want to talk or greet new people. I thought I was doing him a favour by pointing out that he's not being rude but that's more about my feelings.
Hi there - do you think it's possible to be an anti-social extrovert..? I'm definitely an extrovert (I know - I'll leave the thread, honest...) and always come out as such on Myers-Briggs, but I love a lot of the things talked about on this thread. For instance, dp has gone away this weekend so I've arranged for my Mum to have ds's overnight tonight and I CAN'T WAIT... . Am not going out - have got takeaway and trashy telly planned. I love being by myself and will regularly take days off work one own just to potter in the house.
Maybe I just have a split personality - or becoming more I as I'm getting older!
Ds1 is the only introvert amongst me, dp and our extremely extroverted ds2 and my heart breaks sometimes for ds1 who I can see sometimes genuinely struggling with all the noise and general chaos around him. As he's getting older he's finding ways to take himself off and read somewhere quiet and he loves his headphones that I suspect aren't even playing music most of the time...!
Can I join in please? I'm rubbish at maintaining friendships & always thought it was too much effort. Social gatherings seem like a major ordeal & when I book a spa day on my own ( bliss!) people always look stunned & offer to come with (no thanks). I have to be confident in my job & talk to people all day but honestly can't be bothered with it in my personal life. It's good to know that I'm not alone by wanting to be a loner, IYSWIM !
Perhaps you're an outgoing introvert? That's what I am. People often think I'm an extrovert, as I am can chat easily and am interested in people.
But my idea of hell would me a noisy party having to make mindless conversation. Although I can do it, I prefer to be curled up with a book miles away from anyone
I took DT2 to a party yesterday and he sat on my lap for a good half hour before he joined in the silly dancing. He really had to weigh it up whether it was worth the effort I think. People were asking why he wouldn't join in and the entertainer was trying to coax him onto the dance floor. I wanted to shout 'Leave him alone!' Eventually, he did join in but I got the distinct impression it was on his terms and he firmly dug his heels in to piss them off initially.
DT1 would've been in from the off. Such different kids.
DT2 loves sneaking off to play with small (hand sized) models like kinder egg stuff.
MERLY, that's my two exactly. DS1 will sit on my knee for an entire 2 hour party where DS2 will be straight into the middle of things before we've even handed the present over.
Found you again. We really do need our own section.
Anyway, speaking of parties, I was reading a thread earlier about an OP who detested soft play parties and I was wondering what would be an ideal birthday party for introverts - or is this perhaps a paradox? I would hate a birthday party now. Going out for a quiet breakfast with a friend is my ideal way of spending my birthday.
But why are children's birthday parties all geared towards the extrovert? As a child, I would have liked to hire out the library (magical place), and have my friends wander around and choose a book, before collapsing in a beanbag to read it, eating freshly-baked biscuits. Then we could all discuss our books (if we wanted to) before going home.
That to me, would have been the perfect party as a child. None of this soft play, fast food, rollerskating, running around and playing games malarchy.
I think they get such a hard time sometimes with parents who don't understand. Many is the thread where someone is wringing their hands because their DC didn't get invited to a party and probably their DC is only too pleased not to go. I hated parties at 5 yrs, and that was before people held whole class ones. At Christmas there is always the parent lamenting that their DC didn't get a main part when lots of DCs actually want to be in the chorus-preferably on the back row! It is always assumed that they must be lacking in some way and 'missing out' if they are not in the middle of a social whirl.
Asked ds if he'd like a party for his birthday with all his friends from nursery and he said "nahhhhh"
His idea of hell. Actually after the last few years of increasingly bigger/wackier ideas for birthday parties for DD this suits me fine!
Your library party sounds lush, you should have it for your next birthday!
Still on parties, I have, this week, declined an invitation on behalf of DS to a party he didn't want to go to. He was very clear that he didn't want to go, I didn't see the point in the friend's mum paying for him to go when he probably wouldn't enjoy it and she was really understanding and thanked me for letting her know in plenty of time.
I know I've done the right thing for DS but there is still a little judgey voice in my head saying " you shouldn't let him get out of these things, he needs to learn to handle situations he doesn't necessarily like, can't always be anti-social" etc etc. And yet I know I hate it when I'm forced into social situations so completely empathise. Where do you draw the line?
Am so looking forward to BH Monday: after a weekend of visiting we are having a day out for just the four of us, can't wait to have a nice, long, quiet car journey and a walk in the country with no small talk required
seagulls your BH Monday plans sound ideal. We had a long drive in the countryside looking at bluebell woods this afternoon, my 2 yo fell asleep in the car so my DH and DD went into her favourite museum and I read for 1.5 hours Parked in the shade. When my DS woke up, we all went to the museum cafe, sat in the sunshine, and had ice cream and cake.
When I was a teenager I used to lie and say that my parents wouldn't allow me to go to parties: the truth was that I hadn't told them about the parties, I just didn't want to go. I remember forcing myself to socialise when I was a child, I would spend ages psyching myself up to be able to leave the house. Oddly I was quite confident in general though.
Same here, greenhill. People think I'm confident but any group bigger than about four just leaves me completely lost for words. I end up just nodding and smiling lots and wishing I could be at home where it's quiet and there are no expectations of social intercourse!
Your day today sounds absolutely lovely.
Hellooo, can I join please?
About the psyching up, greenhill, I still do that now
Yes, the psyching up as an adult is more part of social conditioning in which you are expected to, for example, get the DC to school on time, to go to a work's drinks thing, to have play dates at your house and have to go to family parties etc. It is more tied up with social obligations and not having to put your own need for peace first.
For the record I hate play dates and sleepovers, my DD keeps asking for them, but I keep saying I'll ask the other person's mum and either not doing it or saying that they are very busy, or that we are busy those times. I did a lot of socialising when DD was a baby and have now whittled it back to the bare minimum. I don't always reciprocate either now. If my DD is invited to a proper party she always goes though, I'm not a meanie
I'm really feeling the psyching up thing at the mo, I'm in the middle of 4 hen dos and 5 weddings at the minute and before each one I'm standing in my bedroom almost wanting to have a toddler tantrum because I don't want to go I dread having to be sociable in a large group of people I don't know, and just feel so socially awkward and as if the hen will be thinking "why did I invite Something, she's so boring". Gah.
Hello to Something and crushed. That was me last year - 5 weddings and associated hen nights. It was so stressful, especially the weddings where you know no one except the bride and groom but are sitting on a table with 8 other people. I can do small talk but I hate it.
How's this for anti-social? This weekend (the first for ages) we have no visits and no visitors planned, parents and in-laws are away so no obligations there, no parties, no plans and I cannot wait!
Has anyone else enjoyed a quiet half term and the relief of not having to talk to "outsiders" every day?
I wish . Worked three days of it and spent the other two running around trying to fit jobs / friends / family in and stop the DCs from ripping each other to bits. Got a similar day tomorrow so am desperately hoping for a no visit / visitor day on Sunday.
I've been a referee a bit too, but at 3 and 6 my DS is happy to play at the make believe my DD comes up with
I've read a bit, let them trash the house and enjoyed baking cakes with DD when my youngest had an afternoon nap. The house is a tip, but they've played, drawn and had tons of stories. My DD has now got to an age when she'll happily go to her room and read for hours . If only they would sleep at night...
Sorry to hear it has been a bit manic seagulls my family don't live near us, so we've only been able to chat on the phone. I'm sure I'll have to pay for it next week when I have to get down to real housework! Hope you have a peaceful Sunday
Thanks, greenhill. Do you know, though, reading that made me realise how ungrateful I sound! I know I am lucky really to have family close by and friends who want to see us and I really should start looking at it that way instead of moaning about all these social obligations . Thank you for giving me a bit of perspective (won't stop me longing for some peace though)
Hello all!.Not posted on mumsnet for a long time,but lurked a lot.Now divorced(the last year).Not done personality tests,but this whole thread sounds like me,so please can I join in?.So grateful for this thread,as I too don't feel so 'weird' now and I just accept my 'anti-social' behaviour as part of my personality.It has also helped me to accept my need for space/time alone and so I make more where I can and then conserve/create energy.Extroverts make sure they socialise,so why shouldn't we make the effort to be alone.Plus happy mum equals happy kid e.t.c....so I see 'me' time as for they're benefit now too.
I felt really guilty until now if I turned people down,tried to escape kids in house e.t.c.,but realize if family friends are close,should we not explain to them who we are if they don't understand?,that way we could not offend them if we need space .easier said than done though.always misunderstanding between opposite types of people I guess.
Anyway,hope more people share thoughts/get revelations on here,as we're not really talking/socialising are we.Been mentioned we're noisy on here,but maybe we don't like to meet/talk in physical presence,but do we have busy,curious minds just the same as extroverts and want to share thoughts/wisdom.
Just been on a family holiday,but felt like I was going a bit mad with all the chaos/noise and went off on my own for a short, walk,along seashore(biggest bliss),while kids were being looked after.Got agitated that I couldn't have time on my own at night like I do at home and took it out on others,by being grouchy.Anyway I explained and it made me and my parents much closer.
Weirdest, is that I am missing having a husband and am panicking about being alone in the future,unyet,i craved space in my marriage,and now I've got so used to being alone at home that would probably feel crowded if a husband was there full time.Does any introvert single mums feel this way?.Has it made you realize too,that it is more important to consider personality differences if you should ever meet anyone new again?-what personality do you feel comfiest around,another introvert,or extrovert?.My husband was a 'frustrated' extrovert I think-as in I think he would go out more,but didn't speak up because he knew I didn't want to.....unyet he acted introvert,and so I felt comfy about not having to talk a lot and didn't feel he 'drained' me,whereas extraverts do.
Happy, it's great that you've been able to explain to your family how you feel about needing space. Even greater that they understood! My family are all quite introverted but seem to kind of depend on me to be the glue that holds family occasions together, if that makes sense, which means I end up being quite bouncy and chatty to avoid long periods of silence. Which is silly really when long periods of silence is what I like, just not in social situations because that just feels awkward to me.
As a result I think my family think I'm quite outgoing and sociable when in reality, I like peace just as much as they do and breathe a big sigh of relief when family occasions are over!
Sorry it's so hard around your family Seagulls.My family is generally extraverted,and I then find it easy to be chatty back,but I find it really draining like you say and then need time to recover.Weirdly though I find it draining being with another introvert who I don't know too well,i struggle to keep conversation going.Hate small talk.I can just 'be' with my dad though (INTROVERT),and we just let the silences roll.
I survive it all by making space and days off/silence.
Worst thing ATM is I worry about stuff when alone and overthink stuff and imagine the worst.I wonder if this is more problematic amongst introverts and I find the only cure is to pretend to be extravert and throw myself into distractions and company to clear my head.
It has not helped me in my single parenting either as I take the full responsibility and noise/energy of the kids,which totally wipes me out.And I get over nostalgic about the past sometimes,overthink and get upset.But I notice I mature faster/know my own mind/develop spiritually faster than the extroverts around me....because I go within much more.It looks like introverts are good actors/flexible as we can act extravert,but extraverts always seem to stay the same.
I also am not as afraid of my own company,so I've not flung myself into another relationship.But I want to 'find' myself again first.
Reserving 'quiet' and 'introverts-how to survive in an extravert world' book from library....waiting with anticipation.
What an amazing thread. Sadly I am probably too late and too introverted to join.
But the library party is absolutely my idea of heaven.
YY the library party, with comfy sofas, some refreshments and shy smiles at people, rather than too much chatting (unless about a particularly good book) is ideal.
Evening all, hope everybody is well, not been on here for ages, so just catching up
Time for a brew
Still find myself having to psych up to talk to people, especially outsiders and I dread big parties too. A quiet meal with a few friends is also my idea of a good night.
Been invited to a 50th getaway in Las Vegas in 3 years time and dreading it already. I'm finding ways of trying to get out of it....
My ideal job would be in an office on my own, only talking on the phone to staff every now and then. The rest of the time, I would like peace and quiet, and I don't get that at the moment.
If I had the money, I would run my own business, around the idea of relaxation booths.
A bit of a library idea but people could sit in a private booth of their own, with a comfy chair, and read and listen to music, and there would be a communal kitchen area too.
Aimed at people who need to get away for an hour, say, from the busy office, lunch break, perhaps? A get-away-from-it-all kind of place.
Does that sound daft? Obviously more thought and detail needs to go into it, but thats the general gist.
I don't have the money though, so its never going to get off the ground anyway , but hey ho
Oops, I think I've killed the thread
No, crushed, don't worry, this thread just ambles along and can go ages without anyone posting then there's a little flurry of activity again
Thanks seagulls, feeling relieved now.
Have a , I'm just about to have one
Don't worry crushed this isn't a busy thread. It's an opportunity for a quiet read, and a head nod, rather than an urgent reaching out to people.
I've had a it has stopped my streaming nose and sore throat, but has made me very sleepy <just hope the DC sleep soon>
Thanks too, greenhill
Sounds rotten, hope you feel better soon.
I've had a couple more since, so feeling pretty much relaxed
I get now that its pretty much a 'dip in, dip out' thread, so speak soon, all of you, and goodnight
By the way, crushed, love the relaxation booth idea. Not that I ever get chance to relax until I get into bed but for people who, say, get a lunch hour at work, it sounds like bliss.
Does this resonate with anyone else because it really does with me:
GreatGooglyMoogly That book looks interesting but just reading that clip makes me feel uncomfortable as I tend to avoid awkward situations so yes, it resonates with me too. I love the relaxation booth idea. Like NorksAreMessy I am a company secretary so I work in a lovely quiet environment and can shut my office door when i need to. Does anyone else find that they attract extrovert partners rather than introverts? Strange as life would be so much easier with an introvert dp.
I'm a bit unsettled today as I had a conversation with my manager and it wasn't great. I only returned from mat leave 2 weeks ago so have spent my time getting to grips with what's going on. There are a lot of changes in upper management and lots of uncertainty. I work in a bank so it's no bed of roses at the moment. Anyway, we had a new team manager start about 6 weeks before I left and she's made a few changes. Lots of processes have altered and also people have left on the team and been replaced so it's not the team I left at all. I'm naturally quiet and after a year of just spending time with my baby and other people that I choose to spend time with, I've got out of work mode so I'm not really chatty and bubbly and wittering on with small talk. I'm just getting my head down and doing work but that's not making my manager happy. I had a one to one today to discuss objectives and she talked in a round-about way about how I need to basically talk more about what I"m doing, not just to her, which is fine, but also to the team as "that's what the team is like now". She did say "I know it's difficult if it doesn't come naturally to you", but basically I need to change to fit in with the team. Why can't I be myself? I work in marketing which is supposed to be a creative area of work and supposedly introverts are more creative so why do I have to jump through hoops to please some people?
shufflehopstep that seems unfair to me. The bank sounds as if it wants the team to be more outward looking which is exactly what you're not. Your creativity comes from your inner world. Maybe try explaining this to your manager. Our marketing team is full of extroverts and while I admit, they do come up with some great ideas, nobody ever seems to think of the consequences like a) they're not allowed due to our code of practice and b) they would blow our budget out of the water and c) the supplier is currently being investigated by trading standards for fraud. when I raise issues like this I'm called a killjoy instead of the voice of reason. Very frusttrating. I would hightlight the things you're good at and explain that all teams need a mix of personalities. Tell your manager about the Belbin Team Roles theory.
I have discovered a communal introvert activity. Amazing find.
I go to a regular embroidery group, where we chat very calmly at the start then all get our heads down, stitching away.
Nobody apologizes, nobody is too exhausting, we love each others work, but in a gentle way. It is the perfect blend of space and company and contemplation and calm.
I am so glad that this thread is still ambling along in a gentle and happy way and heartily welcome new members
shuffle tha sounds nightmarish...keep talking
<peaks round the door>
hello, how lovely to find somewhere where being quiet and peaceful is nice and normal.
I really feel like I'm running out of things to say in RL, of course if there's no one to talk to, that doesn't matter. even with dh and dd. Does anyone have good ideas on how to expand conversation even a tiny bit, not in a pressurized way of suddenly being someone who chatters endlessly, just a few more strands of conversation to spread across the day.
I watch in amazement at people on buses etc who just talk. and talk. and talk. Where do all their words come from?
amiga hello and welcome.
I know EXACTLY what you mean about chatterers. And husband and wife pairs who talk all the time. I couldn't think of enough things to say. Sometimes I wonder if I should chat more, but outside my work life, I am not a chatterer and luckily, nor is DH
If you listen to other people though, some of it is just stream of consciousness, 'say what you see' type talk. I don't think anyone would e interested in my stream of consciousness. It generally concerns beads or embroidery or arty stuff, so interesting only to a tiny handful of similar nutcases.
I was at a workshop on Wednesday and the other woman at my table said 'I hope you don't think I am being antisocial, I just want to get on with my work'
It was bliss
Ah hello fellow introverts! I've found you! Can I join the non-party?
I'm on maternity leave and perfectly happy just pottering around at home with my baby, wandering around the shops, going to a couple of baby groups, that sort of thing. But I'm a bit fed up with being pushed to make "mother friends"
yes mum I'm looking at you and dread meeting up with my antenatal group - who are perfectly nice, but several hours in a cafe with enforced socialising and competitive parenting is so utterly draining.
Can I have permission to politely give them the slip and get back to blissful solitude?
Permission not only granted but positively encouraged.
Your job is to nurture your tiny person and potter and regain your equilibrium.
Your job is NOT to please your mother or provide entertainment for less confident mothers.
if you felt desperately lonely without adult company, then yes, off you go to baby groups. But you aren't, so don't.
Send your mother to me for a talking to!
Ooh can I pop in and sit quietly in the corner?
I find myself worrying about ds (1 today ) and his lack of social interaction because I much prefer just us at home (he is a born potterer, much like myself and his daddy ). We aren't members of any baby groups and see family and friends (some with small children) infrequently.
Do I really need to get "out there" <shudder> with him?
No you do not!
Potter, cuddle, reflect and enjoy the peace
Thanks Norks We've been through so much to get our boy that it seems like I need a year or so to just appreciate the calm.
Having said that, I've been and gone and organised a birthday party for him on Sunday I say organised but all i have so far is bunting It's mostly dh's family, and lovely though they are, they are many! Would it be too rude of me to disappear from time to time to breathe deeply?
Not at all!
In fact as a member of the introverts' club (now THERE is an oxymoron!) you have an absolute DUTY to vanish off to recharge your batteries.
I just wander off into the garden when it all gets a bit much. I don't say where I am going, I don't apologise, I just drift off.
You are doing a kind thing having a party to make lots of other people very happy. You may also do a kind thing for yourself to make it manageable. Hope you enjoy it as well
Hi all, been dipping in and out when I have the chance.
Loving this weather, it was great sitting in the garden over the weekend reading a book, while dh pottering about.
Caramel, nothing wrong in just taking yourself off for a little solitude, nothing worse than parties...arrgh
By the way, seagulls, thanks (13th June post). Wish I had the money to start the business up. But its nice to think about it, plan it in my head
Yay thanks Norks I don't mind the actual activity groups - it's the hours of enforced socialising in some overpriced godforsaken cafe afterwards that gets me. This week I have just been turning up, getting on with it, little bit of friendly chitchat and then home straight afterwards - I feel so much better.
Caramel, I know just what you mean about disappearing from time to time - recharging social batteries is how I think of it (and mine run out pretty fast!) - chances are no one will notice or care. Have fun with the party
I am quietly amazed and delighted to have found some kindred spirits.
Hello mama come and snuggle in our nook,
Pull up a book
Or a crochet hook
Ooh hello, I wondered where this thread had gone (namechanged since last one). Norks, thanks for the book recommendation in your OP, have just downloaded it to kindle and will read when DS and DD allow.
I love the fact that new people are still finding this thread. It's been my little sanctuary since I found it.
Twitchy, I was exactly like you: I wanted to go to groups where you interacted with your child doing something like singing but I dreaded the coffee time afterwards. I used to make up excuses as to why I couldn't stay then I stopped when I realised people didn't actually mind and just used to leave at the end of the session before coffee. Liberty!
My worst one was play gym meet-ups. I have a tolerance level of about an hour for play gyms. I kid you not, I know people who can go to a play gym when it opens at 9.30 and they will be there until they are thrown out at 4.00. I cannot think of many things worse
Ahh. Here you are. I have just returned from America and am in sore need of quiet space. Had to keep hiding in my room to find balance.
Here we are mini. I recognise the 'hiding' thing VERY well.
I am a jewellery tutor and had THREE two hour birthday parties on Saturday. I came home absolutely mentally exhausted and had to hide in bed for a solid hour before I was nice to talk to.
Tonight DH and I just wandered around the garden listening to the bees and watching the swallows. Bliss.
Too many people, and having to make polite superficial conversation is the pits. I was grabbing a bowl of fruit and cereal and heading for the lift. Also finding solace in garden.
There is a fox cub in my garden eating scraps, at the moment. Yesterday five or so red kites were swooping down and snatching scraps from in our garden and next door. They have left an enormous wing feather as a memento.
I've not had time to do much with the garden recently, winter was very snowy and icy here, then we had a lot of spring rain, so the trees are full of leaves and the blossom has been astounding. The shrubs have taken over and the lawn is springy with moss and full of buttercups and self seeded with enormous daisies.
My DD has grown a packet of sweet peas, they were only planted 10 days ago and are several inches high already, this weekend they can be transferred to large containers and we will buy 5 foot high sticks for them to climb up into a wigwam shape.
Are you welsh bordersish Greenhill?
No, in Bucks on the edge of the Chilterns, red kites were successfully reintroduced around here and are flourishing.
Jingleflobba Lucky you. You could always ask yourself if you want to go on the xmas do, and at least you'll have an answer ready :D
I always say when asked, that I'll check when dh's xmas works do is, then, miraculously, it is always on the same night. What a coincidence...
Bit by bit though, I've confided that I don't like big do's as I find them too much, though I've gone out when its just a few of us from work for an early meal, and a couple of drinks, but then I go home. I leave the talking to the loud ones
Dear me, I've just replied to a post that was posted in November....I obviously didn't check what page I was on ... d'oh.
But......having said that, knowing how fast Xmas will descend on us, as time is flying by, its a 'soon' post not a 'late' one, methinks
My day off today, solitude, I love it.
And I love this thread.
Good morning all, by the way..
at Crushed but yes, I think as Boxing Day is exactly 6 months today, we can start preparing our excuses now for the Christmas parties!
I have turned down an invitation to a Birthday meal this week and am not feeling even slightly guilty (ok, maybe about 1%) because they are all ten years younger than me and way more sociable and energetic and they will, quite frankly, have a better time without me there. I don't say that in any self-pitying way, I just knew that I would not be missed and we would all be much happier if I stay in and have an early night and they all eat then go clubbing! Sends shivers through me just thinking about it!
Is anyone else really looking forward to the end of term as it means a break from school-related socialising?
I feel really bad saying that as the parents at school are very kind and not at all 'in your face' types but I do struggle sometimes with the sheer volume of school-related stuff to get involved in. On top of being nice to people at work!
This last week for example, I have been into school 4 times for different things for parents. We have been to three parties over the weekend - all through school and 2 playdates over the last week. The last straw was an all-day meeting at work today where I had to be 'on form', make a presentation and be nice to people all day. I am now collapsed at home with a headache, the DCs are in bed and DP and I are in separate rooms. He is always slightly amused by my need for solitude but seems to humour me ok with it.
DS has finished his GCSEs, DD has finished school altogether.
I NEVER have to do a school run again.
But paradoxically work in schools every day, but just with the children, who are lovely and not exhausting at all. It's the adults who are mentally draining
I find turning down invitations very pleasing and hardly ever feel guilty. I didn't even go to my sister's hen night (or my own, I didn't have one ) luckily she understands.
I have just started doing embroidery to a ridiculous level and am finding that a perfect introvert craft, even on the courses we sit mostly quiet and content all together, just stitching happily and drinking tea.
<tiptoes in and marks place quietly to read in blissful solitude later after DD is in bed>
I love this thread. I'm back at work after nearly 14 months off on mat leave with my company's generous holiday allowance tagged either end. I have loved just spending time with my little girl and not having to be anywhere behaving in a certain way. Being back at work is a big jolt back into the noisy world but I feel different as I've accepted that I just need time to shut off and go and sit on my own in the break area for half an hour or something. It's lovely. I'm content now to tell people where to get off when they try to "fix" me and bring me "out of my shell".
Hello bsssh and shuffle .
I am just loving the start of the holidays. Pottering to my hearts content and emerging only briefly to talk to the lovely people I meet doing my job.
DDs lovely boyfriend is here this week as well. Another introvert. And so kind. Are kindness and introversion linked, or is that me being biased?
Whereas I, on the other hand, Norks, am staring at next week's calendar with trepidation thinking "how do I entertain two riotous boys for an entire school holiday, cheaply and with as little blood loss as possible?"!
Oh and I can't think of one introvert I know who isn't kind so maybe there is mileage in your theory
Snap Seagulls - I too have two active boys to entertain (one of which is an extrovert)! I am a SAHM (and the boys are school-age) so I get time off on school-days . I have scheduled in a few sports camps and we are away for 3 weeks as well so hopefully I've got it covered.
seagulls perhaps we should write a thesis . I am now going to have a go at working out if it works in reverse. Are all kind people fundamentally introverted...I think that is less likely to be true.
I don't envy you all with running around type children. The only way I coped with DS when he was smaller and more puppy-ish than he is now (16 and introverted) was bundle dogs, food, books and children into the car and spend the day on a hill.
I liked making outdoor art projects (leaves arranged in a pattern, stone towers, little boats made of twigs etc) and DS would potter about collecting the bits.
I have now come over all nostalgic and want to have just one of those days back again. I know we always say 'this, too, shall pass', but it would be nice if it could pass back again for a little bit.
DS currently painting a barn with a friend and only appears for enormous quantities of carbs
Hello... By chance I've found this thread I love a quiet life, as few visitors as possible, being outside in the garden listening and seeing nature at it's best, and quietly indoors with DP and the cat and the grown up kids when they're here. Although we've done a fair amount of renovation in the house (and therefore noisy) we just worked as and when it suited us.
Hello mylittlefinger, welcome to the thread
Norks, did you get anywhere with reversing the theory?
It was the last day of term today, as I'm sure it was for many, and I had half a thought at pick up time to say to a few people "must meet up over the holiday" as I know DS will be desperate to see his friends but I just couldn't do it, I don't want to commit to having to see people! I know I will end up getting in touch with them at some point when I have been ground down by DS to a point where the guilt takes over but I just want a couple of weeks of not having to be sociable first. The playground people are actually all lovely, no cliques or bitchiness, but I still have to psyche myself up for school pick up every day.
Oh, hello again, fellow introverts! It's been AGES, and I haven't missed you at all
Just been, y'know, pottering.
Today I went to my regular hand embroidery class. Very happy in amongst introverts...all lovely kind people.
Need to research my theory more scientifically, but that means having to meet lots more people. (Catch 22)
Oh, I'm sure testing it on a VERY small sample at first will be absolutely adequate, let's not do anything rash
Norks, I noticed on the Storm thread that you are not too far from me. I quite enjoy a storm as long as I am warm and dry and looking out. Or maybe it's just an excuse to stay home.
Hello, everyone, I've been pottering too.
The fox cubs have been particularly noisy at night and the blackbirds have been enjoying mealworms, as well as the usual scraps, during the cooler parts of the day.
My DC love finding empty egg shells and exclaim in wonder "another baby chick must have been born". I've bought nesting boxes for the tall trees at the end of the garden and hope they will be a success.
Hello mini I am in a field near Cradley, really. Malvern is the nearest metropolis! I loved the storms and like the snug feeling they give you when you look out at them.
hello greenhill. One of my favourite pottering jobs is to fill up the bird feeders. We live on a farm and I have four feeders dotted around the garden. We have lots of wonderful birds, and DH and I have our first evening drink just sitting in the garden quietly watching the birds. It makes us both very happy. I love your DCs' joy at finding egg shells. That is beautiful
Hello. I'm catching up with this thread as I'm reading Quiet at the moment. I know I'm an introvert, and so is dp, but I have just read the bit about couples arguing. In the book she talks about the introvert woman arguing about the Friday night dinner parties with her extrovert husband. But his arguing "style" i.e. loud and shouty sounded like mine so it just seemed a bit too simplistic. It's the only part of the book which hasn't resonated with me so wondered if anyone else didn't recognise themselves at that bit?
Oh no, have I killed this thread with talk of shouting? Sorry
Don't worry, this is a dipping in and out thread, rather than a chatty one swedishedith. I'll be back when I've got something to say...
Hi SwedishEdith. As greenhill says, don't worry, this thread goes for weeks with no activity. I'd read your post when you posted but couldn't really respond as my arguing style is "simmering indignation" rather than loud and shouty so it's difficult to relate but I'll be interested to hear what others have to say.
We're now two weeks into the Summer holiday and have done very little socialising so far and amazingly DS1 isn't objecting at the moment. Usually holidays are one long "Muuuuum, who are we seeing today? can so and so come over?" but he then disappears for long periods when his friends are here to get some space! This holiday he seems content for it just to be me, him and DS2 for the day, which suits me fine
I've missed this thread. Is anyone else hating this hot weather or is it just me?
I'm an Autumn and Winter person and always have been.
Now I've caught up....
I love to potter about either in the house or in the garden. It's the best thing ever. Yesterday i changed the loo seat and the flooring in the bathroom, just pottering about in my own time - bliss and now I've got half a bathroom to show for it.
I don't do arguments either - I talk about it when everything has calmed down. Now I'm single I don't even have to do that anymore. I sit and think it through then get on with my life. - nice and simple and calm.
A friend has finally given up trying to get me out of my shell, it dawned on her when I turned down a bbq on a hot day in favour of going for a walk on a briliant foggy and rainy day we had out of the blue instead. She still loves me.
I'd love to find an embriodery class but I can't afford the baby sitters, I've started knitting instead though and have nearly finished a massive patchwork blanket ready for the winter (which had better be cold and snowy).
Oh farrow you're speaking my language. The other night it wasn't that warm, it was raining hard and I practically couldn't wait to get home after the gym to cosy up. Autumn can't come quick enough, as well as a night at a
Premier Inn hotel all alone next month .
Hello a little late maybe but I'd love to join :D
As a child I was thought of as horrifically shy. My mother accepted me for it but others all labelled me, criticised me and made me very uncomfortable and self-hating.
At uni I 'found myself' (awful expression I know) but I became much more confident, content, made great friends and realised how much I just loved my own company, social occasions were tiring! I'd wait in my room until I heard everyone leave the kitchen before going to cook as the thought of making small talk was horrendous. With my close friends who I am comfortable with I could chat happily, but often need a good slot of alone time afterwards!!
I went into teaching, I loved working with children and remembered my quieter, introvert teachers who I admired. I am now a headmistress, my school is a place which really celebrates introverts as well as extroverts and I have banned staff from ever saying to parents 'your DC is so quiet, they need to work on being louder' maybe need help building confidence, but they should not be told to stop being a calm, thoughtful person.
Friend wanted her family to go on holiday with my family, I managed to get out of it. As lovely as she and her DC are-- what a way to ruin a holiday!!!