Things you would like to be able to say in your professional life but really, really can't

(270 Posts)
Jacksmama Sat 16-Jan-10 18:52:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenoftheslatterns Sat 16-Jan-10 19:32:40

ooo and how hard is it to put that frozen meal back into the freezer instead of stuffing in among the chocolates?

poshtottie Sat 16-Jan-10 19:35:55

"Your'e baby may not sleep through until they are at least 5 years old"

I'm a maternity nurse. grin

EdgarAllenSnow Sat 16-Jan-10 19:36:04

business call centre

(to clients) - you do know i have 59 other clients,right? (they are not meant to be aware of this)

(and to one particular naming no names Spencer....) - if you'd fuck off and let me get on with my job, i'd be collecting your money instead of wasting my time listening to you tell me what to do.

oh and - 'stop committing fraud'

Portofino Sat 16-Jan-10 19:44:14

FFS stop all this jobsworth, bureaucratical bollocks. You want to be more efficient and make cost savings, so stop inventing more bloody paperwork, and wasting time on "training" to complete the fecking paperwork, and let us do our jobs! Oh and reverse auctions are a crap idea unless you are buying photo copier paper, so stop thinking they are the way of the future!

LoveBeingAMummy Sat 16-Jan-10 19:45:20

"I don't care if you like your job or not but i need you to hit your targets so I hit mine"

"My member of staff has just told you that you can't have that fee refunded so why are you bothering me"

NanBullen maybe I was your boss wink

MinnieMummy Sat 16-Jan-10 19:49:42

'Get a life'
'Wait til you grow up and get REAL problems'

I work with young people blush

(disclaimer - that's not how I feel about all of them)

smallorange Sat 16-Jan-10 19:49:49

Oh my boss used to chew up PRs and spit them out - if in a particularly bad mood she would go through their pitch in detail pointing out how shit it was...it distracted her from pointing out how shit I was ;)

To the national newspaper reporters who decided to phone the 'local rag' for some info:

" why don't you get off your arse and do the story yourself instead lifting it from the pages our paper, thus screwing over a young reporter who earns £10, 000 a year? Wht don't you offer to pay them for the story you selfish prick? And no I can't recommend a 'safe ' council estate for you to do some doorstepping...'

choufleur Sat 16-Jan-10 19:51:37

that's why i only like calling friendly journos.

cakeywakey Sat 16-Jan-10 19:58:02

We don't 'facilitate' we fecking help people, stop calling a spade an earth shifting implement. You twat.

MaggieNilAonSneachta Sat 16-Jan-10 20:02:06

jacks mama, i remember we used to have to leave post it notes wth pictures of shower nozzles and bubbles on the screen of one STINKING colleague. he was on beta blockers apparently that is a semi excuse for stinking, although I'm not convinced. That was just what he said.

asquashandasqueeeze Sat 16-Jan-10 20:03:20

to my bosses

"fgs we do not need another white middle aged oxbridge public school man on the board"

to my boss

"no it will not only take half an hour, and it will not only be one side of paper"

Jacksmama Sat 16-Jan-10 20:04:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NanBullen Sat 16-Jan-10 20:06:04

LoveBeingAMummy

pmsl grin

although my boss actually says those things to us minions and just refuses to come out of the back office to speak to customers shock

You ain charge of this. I have given you the information and I have told you what I think. You get paid a hell of a lot more than me to make the decision, so just make the fucking decision. Or else I will just do it the way I think it should be done and claim you signed off on it.

PDR Sat 16-Jan-10 20:14:49

Me: Sorry we're fully booked tonight.

Idiot: What, totally full?

Me: Yes, totally full, no room, nothing at all. Nada.

Idiot: Not even a broom-cupboard?

Me: FUCK OFF!

grin

PDR Sat 16-Jan-10 20:18:06

I'll just be in room 42 watching Eastenders doing a room inspection grin

nighbynight Sat 16-Jan-10 20:48:47

To our customer: calm down and dont get yer knickers in a twist

To one of my colleagues: Stop hawking and spitting in the mens loos, we can all hear you!

tethersend Sat 16-Jan-10 20:53:56

GCSEs don't matter and revision is cheating.

Oh just "fuckitty-fuck right off" to most staff and customers.

And the rest... "please leave before you begin to hate yourself... and me".

frasersmummy Sat 16-Jan-10 21:02:49

on a computer helpdesk:-

cant you remember your password for a week?

I dont care that you dont want to reboot - you have to

I am not talking in tech speak I am only bloody asking if there is a flashing light on your grey cable

if you cant tell me what equip you have at home then how can i tell you how to get on line

and of course

ITS NOT MY BLOODY FAULT I'M TYRING TO HELP YOU

tethersend Sat 16-Jan-10 21:03:13

When I worked in a shop, we always called them cuntstomers. Said fast enough, it was undetectable.

EccentricaGallumbits Sat 16-Jan-10 21:04:49

job number 1:

What exactly do you think I should do about you not being able to sleep?
It's the NHS - It's Bloody Free, Your NI contributions don't even begin to cover what you have been given, so stop demanding and be thankful you don't live in an Indian Slum.
We are waiting for x, y and z.
I have made the bloody phone calls, I have done all I bloody can. Now stop hassling me and have a bit of patience for fucks sake.
Don't you dare speak to me like that you piece of shite.
Don't you dare hit me you scumbag.
Go away and shut up.

Job number 2:

You are in labour. Of course it hurts.
Did you not read about it?

Paolosgirl Sat 16-Jan-10 21:05:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

galadriel77 Sat 16-Jan-10 21:05:06

I work for a weight loss organisation and would NEVER say this to people as I know they can't help it. But sometimes am so tempted.

Yes - I know why you didn't lose weight this week - you ate too much BLOODY FOOD!!!

I can't do it for you - for fucks sake take some some responsibility for what you put in your mouth!

Stop lying - i KNOW you ate too much as I SAW you through the window stuffing your face in pizza hut.

Oooh - that was quite cathartic and I feel chilled now!!

hanaflower Sat 16-Jan-10 21:14:59

LOL Paulosgirl I think you work in the smae place as me!

Mine would be:
- Can you not talk about ANYTHING other than football?
- If we have no money, why do we have to find something to spend the budget on before April?
- No, we don't have the budget for that.
- Yes, I know you want to deliver the world's best service, but that is NOT POSSIBLE WITH OUR BUDGET!

And breathe...

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