Things you would like to be able to say in your professional life but really, really can't

(270 Posts)
Jacksmama Sat 16-Jan-10 18:52:50

To one client in particular: "please, PLEASE have a bath/ shower/at least wash your MINGING arse before you come in for a treatment!! I have to lean over you to treat your back and your down-below pongs so bad I almost gag every time I see you!!"

(Not like she has a health issue or anything btw, just unwashed. <boak>)

No, I have not in fact read and understood all 23 health and safety policies, nor do I agree to comply with them. I know what to do if the building catches fire or someone has a heart attack - everything else I can look up.

Jacksmama Wed 20-Jan-10 16:27:53

"Yes, you do have to pay for your missed appointment, just like you had to pay for the appointment you had for which you overslept.
What the hell do you think, my overhead magically stops and I stay suspended in a bubble while your appointment time goes by? When you don't show up, it is NOT "a little break" for me, it is actually a financial loss, so don't act as if you're doing me a favour, you pinhead!"

compo Wed 20-Jan-10 16:36:49

I would like to say tomorrow about my apparaisal

'hi, I don't give an effing eff what targets you would like to set me because I resign'

oh how I dream of resigning blush

nighbynight Wed 20-Jan-10 17:14:37

lol compo.
oh how I longed to say that when I worked in a company that had a matrix structure for you to assess yourself before the annual appraisal

ihatetinselbob Wed 20-Jan-10 17:41:19

"Your son/daughter is not a good boy/girl and attending appointments for his court order won't turn him/her bad due to them associating with young offenders. Because your son/daughter is an offender too and hitting/robbing/stealing/harrassing etc etc does not make them a good person.' AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH, you stupid fuckwit of a parent take the blinkers off. {grin}

SpeedyGonzalez Wed 20-Jan-10 21:39:09

Look, we all know you are the incompetent oaf who negotiated that utterly ridiculous massive deal and cocked everything up for the rest of us. Everyone's been talking about it behind your back. Stop pretending. Learn not to be such a wuss. Also learn how to actually manage people, because burying your head in the sand only makes things worse.

Ahhh...if only I could have said that one.

OneOf8 Wed 20-Jan-10 21:56:44

to nearly everyone I work with I would love to be able to tell them exactly what a bunch of moaning twats they are.

I would highlight I took a profession which was not lunchtime supervisor in a nursery,
and to stop behaving in a way which makes me wonder what time their parents are collecting them.

I would tell people it is not my fault you are shit at your job when supporting the manager to dismiss them for poor performance (after full support has been given for 12 weeks)

I would tell management people are not soap characters, and therefore you can not just "wait and see" when a problem occurs

I would staple to the forehead of each prick a page stating basic common practices tried, teasted and known to demonstrate respect towards colleagues

I would love to be able to recommend managers "bang their heads together" when two staff member have an arguement over a newspaper left in a staff area

I would sell my soul to be able to tell a lazy fucker to get out, and to never dirty my line of vision again within the work place - and then give the job to someone who actually wants to work.

This morning I would have loved to say - Thursday is and always has been my day off. Why are you phoning me at 8.20 to ask where something in my office is that I asked YOU to sort out weeks ago. No I am not coming into the office today. No I cannot possibly come into the office today.....Yes I have plans, I do actually have a life!
Could I have my pay review as minimum wage seems a bit pathetic for someone who you can't possibly do without bothering on their day off, to come and fix a problem you have caused! Especially after you have just negotiated a 20% wage increase and tell me you can't possibly afford to pay me what I am worth. hmm

frasersmummy Thu 21-Jan-10 17:16:59

I would like to say to my boss..

a flexible working policy doesnt mean you can just change/add to my hours when it suits you

Bellebelle Fri 22-Jan-10 14:30:20

To all the idiots who's lack of preparedness meant I only got 4 hrs sleep on Monday night before working 7am - 1am the following day:

"no you cannot make 'just a couple of small changes' to your slides this evening. You've had months to prepare and I organised 3 rehearsal sessions for you all which you couldn't be a*d to come along to. Do you understand that I have a million things to do tonight to make your event run well without pandering to you overpaid twits' egos? Apart from keeping me up you're also keeping the crew up when they've been working since 6am and need to get enough sleep tonight so that there's less chance of them falling asleep listening to droning on tomorrow. You are all selfish f***s!"

oooohhh, feel much better now.

No, you alone do not pay my wages, everybody within this borough is required to pay Council Tax and my job is to make decisions for the benefit of the whole area, not allow you to do something ridiculous just because you feel like it. If you did pay my wages I'd like to point out that you don't pay me enough to deal with this shit.

You ignored my advice and argued with me when I suggested it, don't expect any sympathy when you realise you got it wrong. An apology wouldn't go amiss either.

Don't lie to me repeatedly, ignore the regulations that we both know you have chosen to ignore, then expect me to believe your sob story and prioritise your fuck up above everyone else's correctly submitted applications. I won't care and if you go bankrupt it might mean I never have to deal with you and the complaints you generate again. I have no sympathy for the situation you created that you now find yourself in and may even have a celebratory drink when it goes horribly wrong for you.

tinylion Fri 22-Jan-10 20:21:05

(to a customer) No I am not interested in your long boring stories about how you do home brewing and how you once made a brew out old potatoes that was 15% ABV and everyone drank it down the golf club and had terrible hangovers...and stop standing so close to me because your breath smells.

(to a landlord)yes I am a woman, but I do know a lot about beer and working in a brewery...no, you can't talk to a man about the beer, as I am the manager...yes, it is unusual isn't it...

(to the administrator) stop being such a melodramatic irritating gossipy old bag and spending hours chatting instead of doing a stroke of work..

(to the brewer) no one likes you as you have as much charisma as an old sprout and all you do is criticise everyone else in the company even though it is YOUR fault that the beer is undrinkable you greasy undereducated filthy oik...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh much better

flecks Fri 22-Jan-10 20:45:38

Stop asking me to help you all day. You get paid more than me, because our twat boss promoted you while I was on maternity leave because you threatened to resign and she thought I wasn't going to come back for some stupid reason. So I don't want to help you with every aspect of your job - just get the fuck on with it.

Jacksmama Fri 22-Jan-10 21:44:21

ROFL @ "talking to a man about beer!

AxisofEvil Fri 22-Jan-10 22:03:02

1. This law/regulation wasn't enacted purely to spite you. No there is no an exception for your case. No I can't find a solution that involves you still doing what you want - it will still be prohibited by law.

2. You got yourself into this mess, don't shout at me when you want my help getting out of it

3. No your situation is not special. Senior management were quite clear that this was only allowed in certain cases and you just don't meet the criteria. Phoning me up daily won't actually change this.

4. Yes I'm sure you'd love me to come to your committee meetings "in case" a legal issue comes up. I am however too busy dealing with legal issues that have actually been identified and need dealing with to spend my life holding your hand.

Janos Mon 25-Jan-10 17:32:46

Ahh, brilliant thread!

To colleague:

How about you actually do some of your bloody work instead of sitting round picking fights and criticising the way other people do their job?

Oh and while you're at it, maybe you could explain how come, despite how much better at the job you are than anybody else in the office, I manage to complete MY workload AND get through most of yours despite the fact I only work part time and you don't, hmmmm?

GothDetective Mon 25-Jan-10 17:38:41

Its not my fault you're pregnant or that labour hurts so stop taking it out on me. Stop flopping around like a useless sack of poo and try and take on board some of my suggestions that I'm making to help you rather than lying on the bed moaning.

Slambang Mon 25-Jan-10 17:47:41

To a colleague - look love, I frankly just don't want to hear another single bloody word about your heavy periods or any other of your health problems any more. I know your menstrual cycle better than my own. Just SHUT UP.

No REALLY SHUT UP - that, means you stop talking to yourself in an incessant mutter too.

Slambang Mon 25-Jan-10 17:48:24

To a colleague - look love, I frankly just don't want to hear another single bloody word about your heavy periods or any other of your health problems any more. I know your menstrual cycle better than my own. Just SHUT UP.

No REALLY SHUT UP - that, means you stop talking to yourself in an incessant mutter too.

shockers Mon 25-Jan-10 22:34:57

Oooh..take a mint.

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