Things you would like to be able to say in your professional life but really, really can't

(270 Posts)
Jacksmama Sat 16-Jan-10 18:52:50

To one client in particular: "please, PLEASE have a bath/ shower/at least wash your MINGING arse before you come in for a treatment!! I have to lean over you to treat your back and your down-below pongs so bad I almost gag every time I see you!!"

(Not like she has a health issue or anything btw, just unwashed. <boak>)

missmoopy Sat 16-Jan-10 18:59:42

"For fucks sake just stop"
"If you really give a shit about your kids stop now"
"Fuck off" shock

I am a drug counsellor working with heroin users.

JackBauer Sat 16-Jan-10 19:01:50

I worked in a government call centre.

Before you start laying abuse on me, just remember, I know where you fucking live.

PuppyMonkey Sat 16-Jan-10 19:02:42

I don't really even like EastEnders all that much.

missmoopy Sat 16-Jan-10 19:03:34

What exactly do you do PuppyMonkey?

choufleur Sat 16-Jan-10 19:03:47

To my boss. You're paid about £120k a year make a fucking decision and then stand by it. stop dithering, or at least if you can't make a decision then let the people who work for you make a decision and don't shout at them if it isn't what you wanted to do. you didn't tell us!

compo Sat 16-Jan-10 19:03:56

To my managers ' you are a bunch of unprofessional twits who get paid too much'

queenoftheslatterns Sat 16-Jan-10 19:04:32

i work for Iceland and want to shout:

"What the fuck are you doing feeding your poor kids this reconstituted shite, go to Asda and buy a real chicken ffs"

Caoimhe Sat 16-Jan-10 19:05:03

"You are here because of your OWN stupidity. It is no-one else's fault, just yours. And before you start reeling off your excuses bear in mind that I have heard it all before."

RonNumber Sat 16-Jan-10 19:05:06

lol at jack bauer

me( job 1)

" well you have enough money to SMOKE nad tattoo yourself wiht shit names dont you"

grr

and

" of COURSE you never speed"

never feel like being unkind to pupils - they are adorable

RonNumber Sat 16-Jan-10 19:05:29

do i know you Qo s?

PuppyMonkey Sat 16-Jan-10 19:06:13

I write about telly for a local paper and I have to do a soap fan thing about EE.

NomDePlume Sat 16-Jan-10 19:09:20

"Just fuck off you annoying bunch of power mad twats"

RonNumber Sat 16-Jan-10 19:11:46

i had a convo recently about a fictional person.
the peopel i was talking it to were talking about them as if they were a real person.
it had me in fits afterwards.

Ronaldinhio Sat 16-Jan-10 19:12:09

yes, i do expect you to work whilst in work...this does not make me a cruel despot but at the moment you are so inactive that I'm unsure if you are currently in a p.v.s

snigger Sat 16-Jan-10 19:14:25

"If you can't buy nappies for your kids, and you can't feed them, perhaps a two-day delay in your so far life-long benefits is not the issue you should be addressing in a 10-minute foul-mouthed diatribe."

Also in a government call centre.

Wouldn't ever say it, and there are some people it doesn't apply to, but seriously, sometimes .....

KnightswhosayNi Sat 16-Jan-10 19:17:14

You dialled 999 and got yourself an emergency ambulance....FOR A FECKING PAPER CUT????? angry

RonNumber Sat 16-Jan-10 19:19:42

isnt it interesting how many of these repressed comments APPEAR to be to the ahem more financially challenged of society wink

smallorange Sat 16-Jan-10 19:22:10

Having to pick up the phone to nutcases while working on the newsdesk of a newspaper:

"yes I know you say you are not being racist but... But will you please stop bending my ear with this offensive drivel and go and watch jeremy Kyle in your underpants with all the other BNP voters."

" well it's great that your little girl has won a prize for ballroom dancing but I don't give a shit and neither do our readers.'

"it's brilliant that you you can pick up alien transmissions through your fillings, but how about telling your GP about it instead of me?"

MollyRoger Sat 16-Jan-10 19:24:37

Stop giving me 100 reasons why this won't work and that won't work and just try it....pleeeeeeeease!

MollyRoger Sat 16-Jan-10 19:26:45

smallorange - I too have spoken to that loon in my previous job and my current job (and my previous job was in local papers grin

NanBullen Sat 16-Jan-10 19:26:51

"I don't care if you don't need the loan/fee paying account, just take it because i get paid commission on every sale i make!" Oooh that's bad....blush

"No it isn't your money, it's an overdraft so it's the banks money now f off please!"

I'm a bad person....

Caoimhe Sat 16-Jan-10 19:27:22

"I am not a social worker nor am I your friend - stop telling me all your bloody problems. I DO NOT CARE!"

choufleur Sat 16-Jan-10 19:28:01

do you get a fed up with PRs smallorange?

differentID Sat 16-Jan-10 19:29:43

"don't drop the white dresses on the floor you fuckwit. they get dirty!"

"if you get curry sauce on that you're buying it"

"of course your pushchair is going to tip backwards when you seem to have half the stock of Tesco bagged up on it"

shall I continue?

queenoftheslatterns Sat 16-Jan-10 19:32:40

ooo and how hard is it to put that frozen meal back into the freezer instead of stuffing in among the chocolates?

poshtottie Sat 16-Jan-10 19:35:55

"Your'e baby may not sleep through until they are at least 5 years old"

I'm a maternity nurse. grin

EdgarAllenSnow Sat 16-Jan-10 19:36:04

business call centre

(to clients) - you do know i have 59 other clients,right? (they are not meant to be aware of this)

(and to one particular naming no names Spencer....) - if you'd fuck off and let me get on with my job, i'd be collecting your money instead of wasting my time listening to you tell me what to do.

oh and - 'stop committing fraud'

Portofino Sat 16-Jan-10 19:44:14

FFS stop all this jobsworth, bureaucratical bollocks. You want to be more efficient and make cost savings, so stop inventing more bloody paperwork, and wasting time on "training" to complete the fecking paperwork, and let us do our jobs! Oh and reverse auctions are a crap idea unless you are buying photo copier paper, so stop thinking they are the way of the future!

LoveBeingAMummy Sat 16-Jan-10 19:45:20

"I don't care if you like your job or not but i need you to hit your targets so I hit mine"

"My member of staff has just told you that you can't have that fee refunded so why are you bothering me"

NanBullen maybe I was your boss wink

MinnieMummy Sat 16-Jan-10 19:49:42

'Get a life'
'Wait til you grow up and get REAL problems'

I work with young people blush

(disclaimer - that's not how I feel about all of them)

smallorange Sat 16-Jan-10 19:49:49

Oh my boss used to chew up PRs and spit them out - if in a particularly bad mood she would go through their pitch in detail pointing out how shit it was...it distracted her from pointing out how shit I was ;)

To the national newspaper reporters who decided to phone the 'local rag' for some info:

" why don't you get off your arse and do the story yourself instead lifting it from the pages our paper, thus screwing over a young reporter who earns £10, 000 a year? Wht don't you offer to pay them for the story you selfish prick? And no I can't recommend a 'safe ' council estate for you to do some doorstepping...'

choufleur Sat 16-Jan-10 19:51:37

that's why i only like calling friendly journos.

cakeywakey Sat 16-Jan-10 19:58:02

We don't 'facilitate' we fecking help people, stop calling a spade an earth shifting implement. You twat.

MaggieNilAonSneachta Sat 16-Jan-10 20:02:06

jacks mama, i remember we used to have to leave post it notes wth pictures of shower nozzles and bubbles on the screen of one STINKING colleague. he was on beta blockers apparently that is a semi excuse for stinking, although I'm not convinced. That was just what he said.

asquashandasqueeeze Sat 16-Jan-10 20:03:20

to my bosses

"fgs we do not need another white middle aged oxbridge public school man on the board"

to my boss

"no it will not only take half an hour, and it will not only be one side of paper"

Jacksmama Sat 16-Jan-10 20:04:19

She was so bad this morning I nearly heaved. Smeared essential oils in my nose and everything. When I was pregnant I would have heaved... all over her.

I'd like to add a sticky to all my new patient forms - "Please take a shower before your treatment!!"

NanBullen Sat 16-Jan-10 20:06:04

LoveBeingAMummy

pmsl grin

although my boss actually says those things to us minions and just refuses to come out of the back office to speak to customers shock

You ain charge of this. I have given you the information and I have told you what I think. You get paid a hell of a lot more than me to make the decision, so just make the fucking decision. Or else I will just do it the way I think it should be done and claim you signed off on it.

PDR Sat 16-Jan-10 20:14:49

Me: Sorry we're fully booked tonight.

Idiot: What, totally full?

Me: Yes, totally full, no room, nothing at all. Nada.

Idiot: Not even a broom-cupboard?

Me: FUCK OFF!

grin

PDR Sat 16-Jan-10 20:18:06

I'll just be in room 42 watching Eastenders doing a room inspection grin

nighbynight Sat 16-Jan-10 20:48:47

To our customer: calm down and dont get yer knickers in a twist

To one of my colleagues: Stop hawking and spitting in the mens loos, we can all hear you!

tethersend Sat 16-Jan-10 20:53:56

GCSEs don't matter and revision is cheating.

Oh just "fuckitty-fuck right off" to most staff and customers.

And the rest... "please leave before you begin to hate yourself... and me".

frasersmummy Sat 16-Jan-10 21:02:49

on a computer helpdesk:-

cant you remember your password for a week?

I dont care that you dont want to reboot - you have to

I am not talking in tech speak I am only bloody asking if there is a flashing light on your grey cable

if you cant tell me what equip you have at home then how can i tell you how to get on line

and of course

ITS NOT MY BLOODY FAULT I'M TYRING TO HELP YOU

tethersend Sat 16-Jan-10 21:03:13

When I worked in a shop, we always called them cuntstomers. Said fast enough, it was undetectable.

EccentricaGallumbits Sat 16-Jan-10 21:04:49

job number 1:

What exactly do you think I should do about you not being able to sleep?
It's the NHS - It's Bloody Free, Your NI contributions don't even begin to cover what you have been given, so stop demanding and be thankful you don't live in an Indian Slum.
We are waiting for x, y and z.
I have made the bloody phone calls, I have done all I bloody can. Now stop hassling me and have a bit of patience for fucks sake.
Don't you dare speak to me like that you piece of shite.
Don't you dare hit me you scumbag.
Go away and shut up.

Job number 2:

You are in labour. Of course it hurts.
Did you not read about it?

Paolosgirl Sat 16-Jan-10 21:05:02

Change is NOT necessarily a good thing

You are not the dynamic, motivating manager you think you are, you are a bossy madam and your team hate you.

Your consultations mean nothing - you've already decided

We tried this years ago before you joined the organisation and it did not work then because it was a crap idea, and it will not work now because it is still a crap idea.

galadriel77 Sat 16-Jan-10 21:05:06

I work for a weight loss organisation and would NEVER say this to people as I know they can't help it. But sometimes am so tempted.

Yes - I know why you didn't lose weight this week - you ate too much BLOODY FOOD!!!

I can't do it for you - for fucks sake take some some responsibility for what you put in your mouth!

Stop lying - i KNOW you ate too much as I SAW you through the window stuffing your face in pizza hut.

Oooh - that was quite cathartic and I feel chilled now!!

hanaflower Sat 16-Jan-10 21:14:59

LOL Paulosgirl I think you work in the smae place as me!

Mine would be:
- Can you not talk about ANYTHING other than football?
- If we have no money, why do we have to find something to spend the budget on before April?
- No, we don't have the budget for that.
- Yes, I know you want to deliver the world's best service, but that is NOT POSSIBLE WITH OUR BUDGET!

And breathe...

ArizonaBarker Sat 16-Jan-10 21:22:51

You are mad as a bag of cats. I cannot help you. Please go.

cyteen Sat 16-Jan-10 21:24:59

"Let's be honest, this is all just a load of meaningless time-wasting bollocks isn't it?"

There are 40,000 council houses within this area. We do not have an engineer waiting on every corner. Expecting us to get someone there within 1 hour just because 1 fucking radiator isn't working is unrealistic. And no..you do not not take priority if you've got a cold because there's very vunerable people with no heat atall that are a much higher priority than you.

And just because I tell you we won't be there until tues for 1 faulty radiator is no reason to call me a cunt and threaten to come to the office to 'kick my head in' or call your councillor.

I've had a bad day at work sad

Paolosgirl Sat 16-Jan-10 21:26:12

Not the NHS is it Hana?!

Poledra Sat 16-Jan-10 21:29:17

If you want me to reduce the timelines, I will have to increase the budget. You cannot have both, you fuckwit.

Sexonlegs Sat 16-Jan-10 21:29:34

If you don't like the job, fuck off and let me recruit someone else who wants it!!!!

I am an HR Manager grin

UB404now Sat 16-Jan-10 21:35:44

Ex job number 1:
No,you are quite right, the white silk satin bias cut that I first gently, and then more forcefully tried to steer you away from is not making your size 14 arse look as if it is size 8.
And that would be my fault why?

Ex job number 2:
No you are quite right, the scummy 1 bedroom flat that I have tried to steer you away from is too small, and is smelly, that is because it is £100 a week cheaper than the first one I showed you.
Oh you have seen 2 bedroom ones for that price?
WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE IT THEN?

cakeywakey Sat 16-Jan-10 21:40:41

TheInvisibleManDidIt do they threaten to go to the local paper too? I get that a lot in my (public sector) job - doesn't get the repair done any faster, but everyone seems to think it will for some reason.

notcitrus Sat 16-Jan-10 21:40:43

No, if the change is back to the system that we got rid of 5 years ago for lots of excellent reasons, I won't 'embrace change'.

And to the nutjob who keeps emailing long and insulting screeds in green Comic Sans and half in Cornish: Kyj dhe-ves, toll-din!

snigger Sat 16-Jan-10 21:46:00

<<cracks knuckles>>

Well, if we're on ex-jobs too...

Job (1) - We are a firm of fecking architects. We cannot make your builder turn up outside his timescale, even by getting medieval on his ass with some brothers, a blow-torch, and some pliers.

Job (2) - This is a carrier bag of manky reciepts. This is not 'books'. This cannot be translated into certified accounts. Go forth, become bankrupt.

Job (3) / (4) / (5) - It's not a mistake on your payslip, you really do earn that little. Off you fuck.

I'll tell you how to avoid "bed management issues" - stop closing the fucking wards.

NanBullen Sat 16-Jan-10 21:52:27

" I really couldn't give a rats arse that you've been banking here for the last 50 years, yes a cheque will bounce if you write it on an account with no f*ing money in it you numpty. No the manager will not call you to let you know that the cheque has bounced, you are just a number in a computer system and as you are over 18 we expect you to keep track of your own money. and yes that lady really is the manager. i know, putting a woman in charge, shocking isn't it? hmm"

and breathe.....

You are paying me about 50p an hour. This does not get you a level of service that involves me giving up anything else I have planned to do because you have cocked up the staff rota.

Yes, [punter] I am ripping you off. THis organisation is a con. Is it my fault you are stupid and desperate enough to have fallen for it?

NanBullen Sat 16-Jan-10 21:53:52

i like this thread grin

queenoftheslatterns Sat 16-Jan-10 21:54:15

ooo on ex-jobs...

"you fucking moron, its a WHOLE Brixham Plaice. whole fish tend to have bones in and a head on it! stop moaning and next time, READ THE MENU!"

snigger Sat 16-Jan-10 21:56:46

<<It's terribly cathartic, isn't it, Nan?grin Would be even more so in Chat>>

NanBullen Sat 16-Jan-10 21:58:06

grin

anonandlikeit Sat 16-Jan-10 21:58:25

Just read the fucking instructions.... you are paid 80k a year as a top scientist/engineer etc.... why should i fill in four lines on a form for you, you thick git!

Yes, you are interupting my lunch its 12.30 & i have a plate & knife & fork in my hand... what the fuck do you think i'm doing & you've come in the canteen to find me, now piss off & come back in half hour.

anonandlikeit Sat 16-Jan-10 21:59:46

previous job, when i wore a name badge & all the pissd old gits would say... what'S the other one called?.... FUCK OFF!!!!

TheWorldFamousKewcumber Sat 16-Jan-10 21:59:52

"For Christs sake, just spend less money than clients are paying us and we will make money, we do not need an expensive Finance Director or any more consultants. IT REALLY IS THAT SIMPLE. angry (red in face emoticon)"

from me (expensive finance director) to our board (intelligent well paid graduate types)

TwilightTurtle Sat 16-Jan-10 22:01:47

To all of my colleagues clinging on to your final salary government pensions and refusing to do any meaningful work whatsoever: when you look back on your career, are you really going to be proud of this lame arse contribution to the upkeep our proud land? Try doing some WORK for a change.

And no, flexitime doesn't mean coming in as late as possible and leaving the second that core hours are over. Occasionally you might have to finish something by its deadline, you know.

angry

anonandlikeit Sat 16-Jan-10 22:02:15

Yes actually, I do mind, its your job, your paid twice as much as me so why don't you get off your arse & do it yourself.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber Sat 16-Jan-10 22:04:37

"No you cannot remove the pillar in the middle of the meeting room in order to look more impressive to British Airways at the pitch, the roof will fall in and you will look like twats".

TheWorldFamousKewcumber Sat 16-Jan-10 22:05:52

I love this thread

anonandlikeit Sat 16-Jan-10 22:06:25

Don't come in to my office because you have awful BO & when you leave your smell stays & people may think its me!

hanaflower Sat 16-Jan-10 22:09:49

I think Turtle works in the same place too - not the NHS - Local Government.

cakeywakey Sat 16-Jan-10 22:10:34

I second that *Twilight Turtle* and would also add: You've got it bloody good here you job blocker, so just suck it up and get on with it, and perhaps a more positive attitude would help. Stop being such stick in the mud, negative and condescending old git to anyone under the age of 50.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, that's better.

irishmum Sat 16-Jan-10 22:12:54

"No...I CANNOT check every holiday in July and August to find you a 5* property,with 24 hour kids clubs,fine dining,huge rooms and a sea view for £99 per person.....PISS OFF!!!"

"LEAVE HIM, he's an ARSE - it's not going to get any better, he has the emotional capacity of a gnat. When we met on our own you told me he had a 3 inch cock and could only come while rubbing it against your ear.

I privately think that you being angst-ridden about someone who wants to come in your ear is a pointless waste of energy. So was that boob job that he insisted you got.

You can leave him, your really can - even though he's a footballer. He's still a dick and he WANTS TO COME IN YOUR EAR".

grin and breathe........

Beauregard Sat 16-Jan-10 22:14:45

It is 20.00 hrs and i am feckin offffff so please dont keep me talkin for the next 20 minutes.

I. am. not. your. mother.

LaDiDaDi Sat 16-Jan-10 22:26:30

"Can you please get to the fucking point and tell me what you think is wrong with this patient?"

Taramuddle Sat 16-Jan-10 22:47:19

Just do it!

Stop looking at my tits or at least try to listen as well.

You are boring.

For someone who is paid a lot of money, you dress very badly.

You sales people are cunts.

babyicebean Sat 16-Jan-10 22:51:04

Last Job

No I will not keep 'your' machine for you till you feel like coming in tomorrow.It is not your machine and other people may want to use it

The percentage on the machine is over its lifetime, live with it.

You put your housekeeping in?Your husband will be pissed off? Do I look like I care?

That is NOT your seat, it does not have your name on it!So you have always sat there?Do I looked like I give a stuff?

Job before that

Green and pink, not on my watch hunny.

You are an arse, you complained it wasnt taped up properly and now you are complaining it is too taped up?hmm

Weekend job after leaving school

Your potato was too cold and the cheese wasn't melted enough, be thankful we microwaved it for 3 minutes and changed the plate, it could have been 10 and no new plate.

Goblinchild Sat 16-Jan-10 23:02:05

What this child needs most is a change of parents.

That's the most stupid answer to this question I have heard all day.
Yes actually I do think you're a racist fuckwit
FFS can you shut that awful dog in the other room. I do mind that it's got its cock out.

Vallhala Sat 16-Jan-10 23:29:06

Ex job:

Yes I am in charge of this motor dealership's service department. Yes, I do know about motor cars. Yes, I am a woman, these tits are a bit of a giveaway aren't they? No, your car will not stop on a sixpence if your brakes are fucked.

Present work:

Did you think that because you paid £500 for your Rottweiller puppy he wouldn't wee on the floor or shed hair?

Did you not consider that you live in a 2 bed flat with 3 under five year olds, that you don't like mud on your cream carpets and have no experience of dogs before you bought that Rottie puppy?

Are you seriously telling me that despite your £1000 computer system, your 42 inch flatscreen TV and the new car on your drive you can't afford to neuter, feed or medicate your £500-worth of Rottie puppy and you want me to find him a place in rescue when rescue's survive only thanks to volunteers and work at a loss each year?

Thank fuck I'm getting this poor dog away from you and will be able to find him someone who is willing to love and care for him.

BrahmsThirdRacket Sat 16-Jan-10 23:38:04

Present job:

- Who even let you in here?
- There's a recession on, what do you expect?
- You are, and always will be, completely lacking in originality.

Previous jobs:
(PA) The fact that your wife does not understand you is frankly not my problem

(board secretary) Let's be honest, if you all stopped flinging your dicks around for 5 seconds we could get this done a lot faster.

Quattrocento Sat 16-Jan-10 23:42:21

"You unreconstructed twat"

I find I think that a lot. But 90% of my colleagues at my level are male, and it gets a bit wearing sometimes. Particularly the 'My little woman has just got a little daytime commitment at the CAB/school/magistrates court, still, it stops her spending, eh' chortle chortle.

Vallhala Sat 16-Jan-10 23:45:57

"Quattro*, you don't work in Law do you? That sounds just like the comments made by a Solicitor relative's colleagues!

Vallhala Sat 16-Jan-10 23:46:50

Sorry for the appalling grammar!

Quattrocento Sat 16-Jan-10 23:46:53

ROFL - yes, tax law

BrahmsThirdRacket Sat 16-Jan-10 23:47:26

Also

'You do know that you are in no way a big enough cheese to get away with pulling a stunt like that? Sort yourself out.'

moondog Sat 16-Jan-10 23:51:39

How in the name of Christ did you get this job?
I wouldn't trust you with a hamster, let alone some of society's most vulnerable and needy people. Why don't you do some fucking work for a change instead of ramming in biscuits day in day out and taking sick leave nearly every other week? You're a disgrace.'

'Please stop calling boxes of meaningless paperwork 'toolkits''. Toolkits are real things used by real people who do real jobs, not jumped up thickies in the public sector who hide thier lack of initiative and intelligence behind this outpouring of drivel.'

Slambang Sat 16-Jan-10 23:57:14

No - asking you to consider getting a job rather than claiming income support now your child is 10 is NOT tantamount to child abuse.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 16-Jan-10 23:58:09

id like to say

"what the fuck is a suspicious tyre? get a life you moron"

and

"shattttt iiiiit" sweeney style

moondog Sat 16-Jan-10 23:59:41

Vicar, I frequently do do the Sweeney voice (only to kids and dh though).

Hugely entertaining (well, for me anyway)

TheOldestCat Sun 17-Jan-10 00:03:35

"You may well be an expert in international policy / law/ financial services and have been to Oxbridge, but you can't write for toffee."

"Stop using meaningless jargon, interspersing your writing with Latin and giving everything an abbreviation/acronym. It makes you sound like a twat. A pompous twat."

(am an in-house editor)

brimfull Sun 17-Jan-10 00:03:51

'I have one pair of fucking hands so fuck off and be patient"

TidyBush Sun 17-Jan-10 00:07:38

"I can't believe you actually impressed an interview panel enough to employ you - couldn't they see what a pillock you are?"

"If this is such a crap place to work and you deserve so much more, what you are still bloody doing here?"

"no, paying £2 per hour to use £10k worth of state of the art equipment under the guidance of a qualified tutor is not 'paying a lot of money for this you know'"

tethersend Sun 17-Jan-10 00:09:17

Do you know what he just said about your mum? Are you going to let him get away with that?

serenity Sun 17-Jan-10 00:10:28

95% of your questions will be answered if you reading the price label/banner/packaging.

My children are at home, I've escaped. This means that your overtired, cranky, hyper children do not fill me with maternal yearnings, more like homicidal rage. Stop yelling at them, take them home and let them go to bed.

If you open the packaging despite the signs saying not to, and the fact that the damn thing is displayed in front of you, I will glare at you.

Yelling 'Oi!' across the shop floor, calling me 'girl', or whistling for my attention will not make me want to bend over backwards to help you.

I don't know how big your windows are.

No, seriously I don't.

No, I can't guess. There really isn't a standard window size.

No we don't hide stock 'out the back'. Generally we find keeping it out where customers can get it a far better way of selling. (this isn't addressed to people who ask once, this is to the twunts who keep saying 'are you sure?' like I'd lie about it)

How to find the exit? Try following the big blue signs marked 'exit'?

I am not a calculator, work it out yourself.

Finally. I am not your personal shopper. I will not make the decision for you. Grow a spine and choose your own damn curtains.

*breathes out*

That felt nice.

SrStanislaus Sun 17-Jan-10 00:15:40

Snigger - you work with me right?grin

Twat- you have not 'worked hard'and 'done everything' to get money .All you did was stroll down to the dole office and sign on every 2 weeks. Other people your age have families to care for and work 2 jobs .Twat.

LadyBee Sun 17-Jan-10 00:32:19

stop it. just stop bloody saying 'blueskying'. You sound like a twat and it's more than I can do to not roll my eyes.

and

why, exactly, is he paid more than me?

and

you've been negotiating this for how long? It never occurred to you that it might have been a good idea to talk to us more than a week before it was due to be delivered?

hogshead Sun 17-Jan-10 00:34:13

No i don't control the budget. I am so insignificant i can't even access the petty cash.

no i can't professionally advise you whether it is a wise descision to go on the Jeremy Kyle show however expensive DNA tests are privately.

PoppityPing Sun 17-Jan-10 00:51:23

You are not ill, no-one has spiked you, you have drunk too much alcohol. Yes, even though you can usually drink 97 pints and 56 vodka and limes and still be utterly sober-YOU ARE ARSEHOLED, YOU BONEHEAD. And that is why you are being sick. Sleep it off like everyone else does.

Do you really think this is an emergency?

Does your car not work?

WHY have you not asked your GP this week and yet now at 3o'clock on a Sunday morning you desperately need advice when NOTHNG has changed?

You're paying my wages? Really? You think your average account balance of £3.21 generates enough interest to cover my salary bill? It doesn't even stretch to the milk in my tea this morning sir.

Oh, which branch do you work at? You don't?Oh I am terribly sorry I thought because you were telling me how to do my job you must actually be an employee of the company. I di apologize, My mistake.

<Actually I've said both of these but in each case the obnoxious twunts deserved it... and a lot more [unrepentant emoticon] grin>

liath Sun 17-Jan-10 01:14:17

FFS could you please take your snottery PFB back out to the waiting room and put the million layers of clothing oh-so-slooowly back on them OUT THERE becuase I AM RUNNING LATE.

There is nothing that I can prescribe you that will make your sad and shitty life any better, sorry sad.

YanknCock Sun 17-Jan-10 01:26:09

So, you manage the IT trainers, yet you can't actually use Outlook properly? You bloody idiot.

jasper Sun 17-Jan-10 01:30:00

Treat your teeth to the jaggy end of a toothbrush from time to time

TheArmadillo Sun 17-Jan-10 08:24:42

we are not 'always this busy' - we are only always this busy at lunchtimes. As you come in everyday you know this. As you don't work maybe there is a different time of day you could come in or maybe that would not give you the excuse to moan/swear/shout at me.

IF you haven't got an appointment then they will not see you. You will need to see one of the others instead. No I will not phone them. If I did I would be getting abuse from them as well as you and I don't fancy that.

Please don't scream at me - yes we will give you money, but this is the clincher, you have to prove you need it first. We don't just take your word on it.

You haven't been waiting 'half an hour' you have been waiting exactly 4 minutes - we do this sneaky thing of writing down the time when you get here and GIVING IT TO YOU.

I could go on forever hmm

queenoftheslatterns Sun 17-Jan-10 08:31:02

ex-job:

No, you do not have food poisoning as a result of eating here. I know this because we sold 35 of the dish you had last night and you are the only person who called in, you are also the only person who drank 4 bottles of wine, 6 G&T's, 4 Brandies and 8 Fine Malt Whisky's. By Yourself! Of course I remember that, I was the woman who offered to book you a taxi straight after you groped me in front of your wife you overblown charmless overbred fuckhead.

Oi, you 4 lads in 10R5.
You are being twats and preventing the rest of us from learning.
Fuck off out of the classroom and don't come back (at all, ever) unless you have realised the need to shut up and allow the rest of us to learn.
Oh yeah, and you, Mr Ringleader are an unattractive, acne-ridden tosser who needs to Get A LIfe.

purepurple Sun 17-Jan-10 08:48:17

To the parents who arrive on the dot at 5.30, expecting a 10 minute discussion on their child's day
"Fuck off! and close the door on your way out. I want to go home and eat my tea!"

that is not what 'forensic' means, stop using it in an attempt to sound intelligent.

TheArmadillo Sun 17-Jan-10 09:21:40

If you turn up to an appointment with no idea of who you are seeing or what it is about stop sighing repeatedly at me when it takes me more than 30 seconds to phone round and find someone who is expecting you. There are several hundred people in this building.

TheWorldFamousKewcumber Sun 17-Jan-10 09:30:05

Did I say before ... I love this thread

moondog Sun 17-Jan-10 09:31:01

Do you work with me then Stealth? grin

dawntigga Sun 17-Jan-10 09:42:20

Oh for fucks sake will you please get a grip and stop acting like a 3 year old.

If you're to stupid to adjust your own chair you really shouldn't be allowed to breed.

You keep doing the same thing with your family/life and expect it to change, exactly how stupid are you?

I'm sorry but if you can't find the on button for your laptop you shouldn't have one.

And this one I actually did when asked how the paper gets filled up in the printer.

The printer fairy flutters down and fills up the paper, but you really have to believe.

I understand that you didn't listen to the IVR which said you would be charged for this service - twice. But you are so suck it up and pay the money!

WorksWithSomeReallyStupidPeopleTiggaxx

choufleur Sun 17-Jan-10 10:08:19

to colleague who think that just cos i have 'communications' in my title i don't so stop putting random people through to me.

to the people who are put through to me. No i don't know how many points you have (you need to call options - the phone number is ...), I have no idea how long it will take for you to get a council house (probably a really long time - there are about 9000 applicants and only 1500 homes each year for re-let), no we can't just build some more, i don't care if you need a new kitchen (i'd quite like one too but i have to pay more than 42p a week for a new kitchen), no i can't book a repair for you (i can give you the number to call though, but i really can't do it), if you can't afford to pay your rent stop buying stupidly expensive electrical items and prams for the children you can't afford to have ....

doughnutty Sun 17-Jan-10 11:06:37

No, you don't know your rights. Just because you changed your mind does not mean you can get your money back. Also, the fact you don't have a receipt means my first thought is that you might have nicked it. No, I don't believe you when you say you know Stuart Rose. Maybe you should try a size which actually fits you. Yes I did see you throw that on the floor *pick it up. It doesn't belong to you and I'm not your mother*

does that happen to you too moondog?

TwilightTurtle Sun 17-Jan-10 11:42:32

Oh god yes TheOldestCat - am also an editor and dear god the writing.....<<sighs in despair>>

Cies Sun 17-Jan-10 11:43:49

grin

To ex-boss:
"you haven't taught real actual pupils for over 50 years, yet you want to micro-manage my classroom set up? GET A LIFE.

poorbuthappy Sun 17-Jan-10 11:50:49

Do you know that there are 24 hours in a day?

It takes 30 hours to machine the part...it has just come in...therefore you can not pick it up at 5pm this afternoon...

and of course these people were paid sooo much more than I was!

QOD Sun 17-Jan-10 11:55:10

don't fucking well RING me if you are deaf! (the ones who don't use the proper deaf caller thing)

TwilightTurtle Sun 17-Jan-10 12:00:09

No, I cannot squeeze the print schedule any more. If I cut down the printing time any more to account for the fact that you can't make up your sodding mind what you want to say then the printers will have to start binding it before they've even started printing it. Even you, with your head so far stuck in your own mad scientist world, can see that's impossible, can't you?

And surprise surprise, if you leave it till the last minute to show it to the CEO, he will tell you to change almost everything about it and it will be TOO LATE.

I did warn you.

AnnieBeansMum Sun 17-Jan-10 12:07:19

"No, I really don't care what your reasons are. They would simply be another in a very long line of excuses. If you can afford a flat-screen telly and a new car and a ridiculously expensive pushchair - THEN YOU CAN AFFORD TO PAY YOUR RENT!! If you don't pay it, I will kick your ass out!!"

Sorry, I listen to half-twits all day who have no excuse other than they are crap with money. I have one tenant whose grandmother in Scotland (I'm in Staffordshire) has died 3 times in the last 2 years!! Does she think I'm thick? I have absolutely no tolerance when it comes to rent arrears.

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 17-Jan-10 12:21:38

Just because you are in hospital does not mean you have to put on pyjamas and get into bed.

Just because you are in bed wearing pyjamas does not mean you have lost the use of your arms and legs.

MrsSeanBean Sun 17-Jan-10 12:45:55

"This database is a crock of shite, you won't get any useful information out because you put crap in and gave no thought to the design, you absolute morons."

and

"Yes, your webpage is out of date isn't it? That would be bacause I am not a mindreader and no-one from your team gave any thought to updating the content, althought you've just spent about £10k on atrocious leaflets which no-one will even look at."

frasersmummy Sun 17-Jan-10 12:51:44

If you know better than me .. why the hell did you call me to ask for my help?

Quattrocento Sun 17-Jan-10 12:59:15

Oh I forgot this one. Which I actually said:

'Do you really think that oversleeping is a valid excuse for missing a meeting? I wouldn't expect this of my PA let alone someone with five years PQE. I know it was only an internal meeting, but nevertheless, it was important. And really, the meeting started at 12.30. Which is not exactly the crack of dawn, now is it?'

<patronising boss emoticon>

UnquietDad Sun 17-Jan-10 13:24:05

To arts organisations: I am freelance. This does not mean I work for free. If you want me to come to the planning meeting, you pay me.

To radio stations: I am freelance. This does not mean I work for free. If you want me to come on your show to discuss something tenuously related to a book I wrote 5 years ago, you pay me.

To schools: Yes, I know the fire service, the police and the sexual health counsellors appear to come in to talk to the kids for "free", but this is because it is not free - they are paid a salary. I am not. This is part of my income. Yes, I am promoting my book and selling it, but I still expect to be paid for doing an assembly and four workshops with your kids. When was the last time you did a day's work for nothing?

OrmRenewed Sun 17-Jan-10 13:27:36

The customer (in my case the supermarkets and their like) is not always right. The customer is most often an unreasonable, uncompromising, greedy, demanding bully.

coolma Sun 17-Jan-10 13:30:50

As co-ordinator in a homeless day centre:

To would be volunteers 'No, God has NOT told you to come and 'save' these people'

To the city council: 'stop lying about how many rough sleepers there on the streets, just because 5 is a nice number it is not the correct one'

To (some of) the clients 'Will you get off your ARSE and stop moaning'

To (other) clients 'please come home with me, we've got a spare room <sniff> '

snigger Sun 17-Jan-10 13:39:17

Jasper I've laughed so hard over the acid phrasing of your post I'm a little scared I'm going to say it to someone by mistake.

MrsSeanBean Sun 17-Jan-10 13:39:34

LOL at misinterpretation of freelance!

NanBullen Sun 17-Jan-10 13:42:37

To customer ringing the doorbell before we are open -

Me: Sorry we don't open til 9

Customer: I just need to get some cash out

Me: Yes but we aren't open yet. If you look at the really big sign beside the door you will see that we do not open until 9. it is now 8.30.

Customer (looks at sign): Yeah, but could i just get some cash out?

Me: No Fuck off you inbred moron. there are i don't know how many atms outside but you have to use the ones inside a bank that isn't open yet? Twat.

UnquietDad Sun 17-Jan-10 14:16:15

To be honest it isn't even that they misunderstand the word freelance - it's just that they assume you are doing it as "part of the publicity" or that the "publishing company" are somehow paying you for this sort of thing.

"Until the new boss is in his post, YOU are not my boss, now and never will be, so do your own job properly and let me get on and do mine in peace!"

"If you want to take the praise for the job I have done, why don't you hang around and take the crap too?"

And one that I did actually use last week. "The office being 8 degrees when I have had the small fan heater blowing hot air in my left ear for 3 hour is too cold for me to work. I am leaving the office now and when the temperature is up to an acceptable level, which according to health and safety regulations is 16 degrees within an hour of arrival, let me know and I will return" ....... "Of course I am going to be paid for this time "off". I am more than willing to be here, the problem needs sorting!" ......It worked the heating was fixed within 5 days! - I'd been moaning since November that this needed sorting! grin

3littlefrogs Sun 17-Jan-10 14:37:12

Why do you need to form a committee and have umpteen meetings to produce a Standard Operating Procedure for something that 30 years ago was just COMMON SENSE???? (That anybody with a brain cell would just DO, automatically)????

And then employ a manager to organise training sessions for all staff, on said SOP????

BouncingTurtle Sun 17-Jan-10 14:38:35

I work taking calls and training other home agents servicing a telephone line for a well known catalogue company. There is much biting lip done by me.I would so love to say the following.

To the customers- "it says on your statement in HUGE FUCKING LETTERS what your payment due date is. Yes it is a 28 day payment cycle and of course the fucking date will change because there isn't only 28 days in every month, and yes this account has operated on a 28 day payment cycle ever since you opened it 20 fucking years ago!"

To some of the agents "you sound like a fucking robot. No-one wants to talk to a fucking robot. So take some goddamn happy pills and sound like you LIKE to speak to customers, or I will terminate your ass!"

To my "boss" - "you are a fucking moron. God knows how you managed to get the job because you are so bloody useless. You have no organisational skills, have no idea how to motivate people and your spelling and grammar is appalling"

Whilst listening to a customer ranting down the 'phone using racist language at one of my home agents. "I know where you fucking live and I am going to shove a dog turd through your letterbox"

That's better :D

Grandhighpoohba Sun 17-Jan-10 14:42:28

"Neither I, nor the Court actually believes you are sorry. If you were sorry, you would STOP COMMITTING OFFENCES!

Liar liar pants on fire

Isn't it amazing how the police never arrest the person who throws the first punch.

Of course you have done it before, you are a lying, abusive bastard.

MrsSeanBean Sun 17-Jan-10 14:45:13

3littlefrogs - Local Govt / some hideous quango by any chance? I used to fight this madness until I discovered I could make an easy and decent living using a single brain cell doing things that people would have just done 30 years ago, and should still be able to do today. grin

coolma Sun 17-Jan-10 14:48:45

Ex jobs - even better:

'yes, I know the fat ugly lesbian ex alchy has been making complaints about me, she is a fucking bully. Whose splendid idea was it to employ such a nasty piece of shit? But, yes, i will leave quietly taking the very large payoff you have offered so I don't go to the papers'

Ooh, that's better.

Anifrangapani Sun 17-Jan-10 14:50:49

Turning the thermostat up does not make the room heat up faster.

Prehaps if you stopped having meetings about nothing then we would have time to hit our targets

I cannot be expected to know what your sales strategy is if you are unable to tell me

Please do not try to tell me that all organisations work in the same way when you have no idea how any of them work.

And from a previous job

No the person in front of you cannot have any further credit. He may be driving a nice car but he has not paid for it for the last 6 months, or any of the other loans he as taken out either. I really do understand so you don't have to shout at me. You can speak to my boss, but she will say exactly the same thing, but not as nicely.

Why do you want to take out more credit when you have an income of 10K and already have £64K in unsecured loans that you cannot afford. You are only 19 FFS.

If you want to defraud a credit card company try getting your sums right .... you cannot have been working in the same job for 20 years when you are only 30 now.

thesteelfairy Sun 17-Jan-10 14:55:23

When I was a medical secretary:

"For crying out loud Dr so and so why do you need to borrow my copy of the BNF (British National Formulary) to look up your patients drug dosage, even I know what it should be and I just type out your bloody letters!".

thesteelfairy Sun 17-Jan-10 14:57:49

Oh and to one particular Dr.

"I love you Dr W..... because you work in geriatric medicine and your patients are all on their last legs but you talk to them as though they have years of healthy living and them and treat them accordingly, I wish you could be my doctor when I am 80".

missorinoco Sun 17-Jan-10 15:00:24

FGS, there's only been one trinity, supposely, and IT'S NOT ME!!

(Except I did say/shout it blush

PoppityPing Sun 17-Jan-10 15:30:54

So, your MIL had an accident downstairs, and while you were waiting for us you decided to carry her upstairs, bit tricky was it? Lovely! And now we have to carry her downstairs again you arse!

trefusis Sun 17-Jan-10 15:33:44

Coolma, please don't use "lesbian" as an insult.

coolma Sun 17-Jan-10 15:37:06

Sorry, I realsised that after I'd written it blush

MollyRoger Sun 17-Jan-10 16:13:59

to my boss: ''I know you have daughters my age. BUT I AM NOT YOUR DAUGHTER. So stop mothering me at work, it is demeaning and embarassing and very unprofessional.
And if you stopped constantly telling us how busy you are, you might actually get something done, so I wouldn't have to pick up your work!''

TotalChaos Sun 17-Jan-10 16:36:46

get off your backside and book all case-notes out, 30 seconds of your time can save hours of my time, and more importantly will avoid potentially compromising patient safety.

trefusis Sun 17-Jan-10 16:37:10

Sometimes there should be an "oh, shit, I phrased that badly" button wink.

"Your children's uniforms, PE kit, homework, forms and even, somehow, their dinner money, smell really strongly of fag smoke and fried food. If something has come from your house, I know whose it is without having to look at the name on the label/envelope."

"As above, except with cow manure."

"Although I am by no means a po-faced killjoy on the subject of packed lunches, your son's lunch consists of NOTHING BUT CAKE AND SWEETS. It is, literally, processed carbs and nothing else. I suspect that this may be a factor in some of his behavioural difficulties."

"If you bunged all that money on my desk with no note about what it was for or where it came from, can you work out why you didn't get what you were expecting?"

"It is a spreadsheet. It is not voodoo. Please stop saying that I am 'really smart because I know how to work the computer'."

nymphadora Sun 17-Jan-10 17:03:00

moondog I know you dont work with me but you phrased mine perfectly!

coolma Sun 17-Jan-10 17:05:35

There should indeed blush again!

MollyRoger Sun 17-Jan-10 17:21:29

oh moondog - toolkits, YESSS!! Thank you.
Nobbers.

dawntigga Sun 17-Jan-10 17:32:40

Yes, I know you work a lot of hours trying to manage this team, but we worked fine whilst you were on your long term absence. If you didn't keep checks on the checks on the checks you do on us maybe you'd be able to get some actual work done. Your stand in was fucking wonderful and you cannot live up to her standards. Oh, and she treated us like we were actually capable of doing our jobs and are older than 5.

NotLookingForwardToGoingBackToWorkTiggaxx

30andLurking Sun 17-Jan-10 17:33:58

"You may on paper be more successful as self-employed than me, but one of your three clients is an ex-shag, the other is an ex-shag, and the third is somebody you shagged when he was engaged to someone else. I therefore do not consider you to be well connected, or good at your job, just a bit loose and lacking in dignity. So please stop lording it over me.

You have not had a functioning relationship in the past 10 years, you are now pushing 40, hence I really couldn't give a rats ass about your love life, it's a disaster zone deserving of UN attention. So please stop going on as if you're Megan sodding Fox.

If you post on Facebook every 10 seconds about how hard you're working, all it does is piss off those of us who are actually working while you're on sodding Facebook."

God that feels good!

QOD surely you can say:

"don't fucking well RING me if you are deaf!"

They will never know wink

<<<<<Very un-pc but I don't care!>>>>>

EvilHRLady Sun 17-Jan-10 17:36:11

"No, just because your manager expects you to do your job / turn up for work on time / get something right once in a while does NOT mean (s)he is bullying you"

"I would actually really like to talk to your lawyer, as you have clearly not told them ALL the relevant details"

"No, I am not here to be 'on the employee's side'...the Company pays my wages, I am here to stop them getting in the shit when "managers" crap things up"

No, I really don't like most people. In fact, if you say you want to work in HR because you like people/want to help them/you are a 'people person' (AAAARRRRGGGHHH) you will almost certainly NOT get the job

EvilHRLady Sun 17-Jan-10 17:41:16

Oh, and...

"If you are going to post status updates on Facebook telling everyone how much fun you are having in the snow, when you have told your manager that you are "too stressed" to come to work, I AM going to use that information in a disciplinary process - so please don't be surprised. And no, it's not private information if you post it on a freely available website"

BigBadMummy Sun 17-Jan-10 17:43:42

I am sorry that your washing machine is not working but really it is not an emergency and no, I will not be getting an engineer out to you NOW.

Do you really have to leave your disgusting skid marked pants / used condoms all over the bedroom floor on the day that I come to do the landlord's inspection.

No, you cannot stop paying the rent this month just because the shower hasn't worked for two days. Nor is that an emergency, you still have a bath.

eandh Sun 17-Jan-10 17:45:54

No I cannot give you money if the cheque has not cleared (you would have been told what day it would clear when you paid it in)

No I do not have the authority to extend your overdraft/cancel charges etc

No I cannot cancel a diret debit the day it has left your account you should have done it earlier

If you are moaning there is a huge queue why do you wait until you are at the counter to get your card/cheque book etc out of your bag and then faff around

There are signs saying we can take 5 bags of coin I do not make up the rules so please dont get huffy with me that you have carried 20 bags of 1p's in with you

Yes I have worked here a long time (12 years in fact) just the fact that I am part time and you sont see me every time you come in does not mean I am unable to do my job <especially when we were 'old' style and I knew the feckin computer system better than any other bloody eprson in the branch>

QOD Sun 17-Jan-10 17:47:10

hahahahahaha @ just another manic monday LMAO

we do ummm mutter and then put them on mute and say it sometimes if they are the grumpy bark bark WHAT WHAT? HUH? WHAT? TALK PROPERLY brigade. But......"all our calls are recorded and may be monitored for training purposes"
and someone once got caught saying "you deaf c**t" after a call and got a slap LOL

eandh Sun 17-Jan-10 17:47:17

oh and I didnt force you to spend every penny of your overdraft and max your credit card out therefore it is not my fault if you have no money left I have printed your mini statement have a look at that and see where you have spent it all

crankytwanky Sun 17-Jan-10 17:53:04

To women in labour smoking fags in their dressing gown outside the maternity unit..

"You're a selfish twat. Have you any idea how awful you look?"
angry

This thread is why I can never go back to a customer-facing role. I have no self control and just say what's on my mind. Work-related Tourettes I think.

Funnily enough much of these things are perfectly acceptable to say when you are very senior in a company (IME). Which is why I should be promoted of course grin

LMAO at all the banking ones especially as I have said most of them. Particularly the ones about people's own responsibilty to manage what they have in their accounts!

<<<<<<Collects P45 on the way out>>>>>>>>>>

dawntigga Sun 17-Jan-10 18:26:33

No, your bank will not be open for any reason on Bank Holiday Monday, the clue is in the name of the holiday.

UsedToTalkDirectlyToBankCustomersTiggaxx

Good thread, Jacksmama.

(To my students)
Copying your coursework from the internet is plagarism. Yes it is actually cheating.

I can use Google, too. If you copy it off the internet I will find it.

How do I know? It's written in sentences with the proper use of capital letters and other basic points of grammar. You are not even sure what a full-stop is for.

The only way for you to get better marks is to work harder. Yes, actually do the coursework yourself.

Telling me you "couldn't be bothered" or were "too tired" to prepare your presentation is not a valid excuse with which to seek an extention. I will fail you.

No, I am not being unreasonable. Signing up or a course does not guarentee you will pass it. You have to do the work.

(to my bosses)
If you need that done for today you should have told me about it last week.

Hoarding state funded student grants in a bank account for 11 months before paying them out in a lump sum at the end of the year is called corruption. YOu cream the interest while my students starve. And yes, we all know you are doing it.

Ivykaty44 Sun 17-Jan-10 18:38:38

they are all six feet under smile

snigger Sun 17-Jan-10 18:39:06

Current job, one more.

We rarely make eye contact for two reasons. You have a permanent sheen of sweat on your upper lip that threatens to bead and drip - this revolts me. I also find it hard to drag my gaze from your awesome daily camel-toe. Buy a size up, or quit filching my Hob-nobs.

Miggsie Sun 17-Jan-10 18:39:07

I am right. I am a specialist in this area. I have the word "expert" in my job title. Does this not give you a clue? You have never done this job, I've done it for 6 years. I helped write the manual. I am not 60% out in my calculations, you can't add up and the customer is a total skinflint arsehole!

Have you even read the contract? Well I bloody HAVE!

Putting it on a powerpoint slide an talking about it for 4 hours will not mean it will happen. You actually need a competent person running this department.

Nur, nur, nur, nur nur! Told you that project would go tits up,and that it would lose money. Ya boo sucks to YOU!

(That last one could be said rather a lot)

Can you tell that they consult me as the expert then ignore me when it costs too much and do their own thing?

EccentricaGallumbits Sun 17-Jan-10 18:40:56

to the patients stood outside the hospital, holding onto their bags full of urine and leaning on their drip stands whild a variety of expensive pumps infuse expensive drugs into their sickk systems.

'ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?'

RoseBlossoms Sun 17-Jan-10 18:52:51

cranky

That makes me so sad and mad at the same time

selfish bitches

hanaflower Sun 17-Jan-10 18:54:35

cranky it's a FACT that smokers get up quicker after a c-section.

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Sun 17-Jan-10 19:03:34

To the headteacher

Everytime you use the phrase 'thinking outside the box' all I want to do is get a large wooden box, cram you into it and nail down the lid.
That way, I'll be thinking outside the box and you will be in it so I can't hear you spouting rubbish.

Also to Head and Deputy

Arriving in school just before the children everyday is not professional. The rest of us manage to get in and we would like to spend the time in our classrooms getting sorted, not dealing with management issues. And, if I have made a decision you don't like, tough - you should have been here at 8am.

To Mrs M
I realise that you are obviously not a mrning person but when your child arrives half and hour late everyday I do not always have time to work with her on a one to one basis. Please do not come and see me to complain that she doesn't understand the Maths cos I don't explain it properly. I do explain it properly - at 9am.

To the cleaner
Yes, I have used glitter - just hover it up, don't complain, it's not toxic, just messy.

coolma Sun 17-Jan-10 19:09:34

To new bloke: 'yes you are very very clever and you know lots and lots about some things as you keep reminding me, However, you know very little about this job and I, as your manager, and thus as someone who, surprisingly to you clearly, knows, ooh, lots and lots, am allowed to tell you what you do, will not be told what to do and WILL ensure you are 'managed out' if you don't stop being an arrogant twat.'

moondog Sun 17-Jan-10 19:39:35

God I love this.
Jumped up, am hooting at 'thinking outside the box' comment. grin

Jacksmama Sun 17-Jan-10 19:42:37

To more clients. especially the ones where I treat the entire family:
"When I accidentally let slip a tiny, relatively unimportant detail of my personal life, and I have that detail repeated back to me, not by the person to whom I let it slip, yes, it does make me very uncomfortable to know that you are slavering over my (relatively boring and sane) personal life over the dinner table - and it makes me even less likely to talk to you during your treatment!!"

To the father in that particular family who appears to live in the century before the last one: "no, shockingly, I did not ask my husband's permission before I cut my hair short. In fact, I did not even ask his opinion, because, surprise suprise, it is my hair and attached to my head, and he has liked every single one of the numerous styles and colours haircut I have ever had!!!"

To the same man: "how dare you ask me why I married my husband if he can't support me and I have to work?? I happen to enjoy my job which is a bloody good thing for you, as without me, you would be walking around in agony considerable discomfort, as would your daughter and your wife, who, I notice, also works, so clearly you are incapable of supporting her - you overbearing intrusive male chauvinist TWAT!!!"

<and breathe... deeply... BREATHE>

Cyb Sun 17-Jan-10 19:44:22

"If I want your help, I'll ask for it "

TheFallenMadonna Sun 17-Jan-10 19:44:44

To my Head

It doesn't matter how exciting and interactive my lessons are, some parts of physics are just conceptually difficult, and I cannot get a child who scores below the recordable level in verbal and non-verbal reasoning tests and failed to achieve a level in the KS3 SATs an A*-C grade at GCSE. It's not going to happen, however much you want it to. And Public Services is not equivalent to Physics in terms of conceptual difficulty hmm

Oh no, wait - I did say that.

Takver Sun 17-Jan-10 21:01:04

"Look, you are patently absolutely crap at growing vegetables - why don't you give up, put gravel and some nice pots on your garden, and go & buy your veg on the market."

(Not many of our customers - just the odd one here and there who spend hours on the phone telling us about how every single packet of seeds they bought failed)

and

"No, if you planted courgette seeds, and they looked like courgette seeds, they REALLY, TRULY cannot have come up as sunflowers. Do you think that you might, just possibly, have got your seed trays mixed up?"

nighbynight Sun 17-Jan-10 21:25:38

What I would like to say in meetings:

Get on with it.
Stop fucking talking.
Oh god, not you again. Cut the crap! My bottom's going to sleep.

Let's see, we've got 4 brown jerseys today, three blue shirts, 2 stripey things and 1 unclassifiable pattern. Do you iron your own ties, or does your wife do it for you?

You dress really well, in fact you are the best dressed guy in the whole department. No, you dont know more than I do about software. You just aren't as clever as you think you are. Suck that up!

Oh shut up. Shut the fuck up. The meeting was nearly over, but you had to start talking again.
Do you ever hear me shooting my mouth off in meetings? Timewaster.

At bloody last. Coffee machine, here I come!!!

ooh yes meetings
"We have been having the same argument for 30 minutes now and it's not even that big a deal. If you'll excuse me I have real work to do"
Actually, when I worked 4 days a week I regularly said a slightly politer version of that - amazing how fast meetings broke up when the first person leaves

hf128219 Sun 17-Jan-10 22:16:24

'We know your guilty and we don't need a jury to prove it. Yeah, just shut up and I will throw the key away personally.'

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Sun 17-Jan-10 22:26:40

It doesn't matter how many IEPs and action plans we write for him, the school system is still letting him down. Mainstream schooling is not the right setting for this pupil.

In meetings
Please don't pretend we are discussion this, you have made up your mind already, so just be honest and say 'this is what we are doing'

SerenityNowAKABleh Sun 17-Jan-10 22:50:19

Oooh, so many things.

To bosses:
1. We're allowed to work from home; it's in our employment contract. Just because you're too dim/undisciplined to do so, doesn't mean that we should be denied this right
2. Stop stealing all the glory and getting other people to do you work for you. I swear if people actually knew how little you did, they would be appalled
3. Line manager: I know how to do my job, stop harassing me. I hate being picked on like this, and I know you just do it to me and my colleague, not the others, particularly the useless idiot who's your favourite who does SHAG ALL, but never gets in trouble (still waiting for him to do some stuff from mid-November). What's wrong with you? Is it because the two of us are younger, better educated and better looking than you, you stupid old hag?
4. Learn to send emails. Typing everything in the subject line in capitals is not really the proper way to do it. Seriously.
5. Learn to read emails and to listen. I hate having to repeat stuff to you 15 times, forward the same email three or four times, and you still don't get it.
6. I don't fulfill a global role. I'm not paid enough, I'm not senior enough, and if I started doing all the stuff you ask me to do, I would get involved in such intractable office politics, I would never see the end of it. I realise this, you don't, seriously, how are you so dim and so senior?
7. Stop bragging about how much you earn, how much you spend on your kids etc. It's really bad form, considering none of us earn nowhere near as much as you, are struggling, and you control our pay and it's been frozen.
8. I have no respect for you two. I lost it during the "team building" meeting, where you refused to listen to a single suggestion we made, and just shouted instead. It just showed up your severe insecurity.

aaaah, that feels better.

scrappydappydoo Sun 17-Jan-10 23:15:13

Oh ex jobs.....

'I don't care that you are a qualified solictor and blah blah blah blah you are not a qualified for my job - you hired me for this purpose. STOP telling me how to do my job and LISTEN to me... I said LISTEN to me - no really if you did this way - the proper way - you might get somewhere. Yes i know you've always done it that way but YOU hired ME to change things so let me do it you complete waste of space.'

I got so frustrated I left after a year - felt I was wasting the company money.

Oh then there was

'sigh - yes I'm English, yes I live in Wales, no I don't hate the welsh I actually quite like them hence why I am living here. Yes I do know there is far more to Wales than 'how green is my valley' I live here remember'

This is great therapy grin

brimfull Sun 17-Jan-10 23:35:47

After the shift I just finished

" FFS stop chatting and answer the fucking buzzer you lazy bitch"

choosyfloosy Sun 17-Jan-10 23:51:10

A play in 5 acts, in my head.

If you use the word 'nigger' in a practice meeting, then maybe your staff will use the same word to a patient over the reception desk. Are you really OK with that?

I'm resigning my job. If you think that's political persecution, try getting out more.

Don't tell me how broke you are. Your house is worth a minimum of £1.5 million and you bought it in 1982. I earn £8.50 an hour.

Advertising my £8.50 per hour job at a salary of £27,000 a year because 'you won't get anyone good for anything less' is not going to get the mardy look off my face.

No I won't come back at £9.50 an hour because the chick who was paid £27,000 an hour can't cope with the job. I'm currently being paid £10 an hour to do an easier job with less shit from you lot. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.

moondog Sun 17-Jan-10 23:57:36

Choosy, I'm appalled.
Someone using 'nigger' like that in work!!
Fucking hell, can't get my head arround such peopel exisiting. shock

choosyfloosy Mon 18-Jan-10 00:08:44

I know. I didn't handle it at all well. I should have raised it at the meeting, but I'd already been tagged years before as being the 'politically correct' one and been told off for restricting people's freedom to use whatever shitty insults words they like, and I didn't know what to say.

He was using it as part of a phrase, not as a direct reference to anybody (you probably know the phrase). Don't know if that makes a difference. I still don't know how to deal with stuff like that. There's so much of it in the NHS.

moondog Mon 18-Jan-10 00:11:49

What 'nigger in the woodpile' or something?

I work for NHS and I can't see how that in any way could be confused with general harmless non PCness.

It is grossly grossly offensive.
I'm not remotely right on but I had to break off a friendshi with a very old friend when her dh used this word once.

And one I actually did say, 20 years ago when I was a switchboard operator...
'No, I'm not going to put you through. Because you are NOT a personal friend of the person you have asked me to put you through to, you are an insurance-selling scam artist. I know this because you used exactly the same line on me last week for another employee of this company and if you're going to use a line like that it helps if your name is not something as memorable as Balthazar Humperdink'.
(said insurance scammer's name was not exactly that but it was very distinctive)

Jacksmama Mon 18-Jan-10 01:06:30

To more clients:
"The fact that you have had this pain for 6 weeks and you have suddenly decided it is unbearable does not make it an emergency for me, and no, I will not come in on my day off to treat you."

"I cannot fix stupid. That is what you have, abysmal stupidity, not a weak low back/hamstring/ pelvis injury. I know you're stupid because a friend of mine goes mountain biking with you, knows that you have way more arrogance than skill and sees your wipe-outs when you ride trails that are too tough for you. That is how your low back gets injured. NOT because of work or because you slept funny. So, NO, I also will not give you a note to go off work."

"I am fully booked today. You know I only work part-time and I literally cannot create an appointment slot for you because I am working from 8:30 am to 5:30 pm without a single break. I am inhaling food on the sly in the loo while I am washing my hands. So, no, I cannot see you today. And no, I will not just cancel someone and see you instead. Who the fuck do you think you are? How would you like it if I canceled you and saw someone else instead? I would actually be tempted to do just that because you are a twat and there are any number of people I can think of who actually appreciate my services and do not waste my time like you do!"

Jacksmama Mon 18-Jan-10 01:12:04

This is the most therapeutic thread I have ever started. God bless MN for stress relief.

Here's another one:

"You know my cancellation policy. We went over it on your first appointment and you initialed it to indicate that you understand and agree to abide by it. Yes, you will have to pay for your missed appointment. The fact that you slept in is not a good enough excuse, since your appointment was at 11 am. Oh, you're just not going to book another appointment because I can't force you to pay the fee? That's fine then, off you fuck, I can do without twats like you."

And to that particular client's husband who paid for her missed appointment because he was appalled when she ranted and raved to him about what a bitch I was for charging her when she overslept: "you are a lovely man and she does not deserve you. You have told me several times that you are quite unhappy. I assure you there are women out there who would love to be with a man like you and you are not nearly giving yourself enough credit."

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny Mon 18-Jan-10 01:22:23

There's naff all wrong with your hand/wrist/arm/leg/knee so stop wasting my time.

Go away and come back when you have clean underpants on because I have to look at where your dick is so I know I'm x-raying the right bits.

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny Mon 18-Jan-10 01:24:37

No, I don't want you to tell me your entire medical history, your previous relationships, what the GP said, I want you to shut the fuck up, let me x-ray you so I can go and take some more x-rays of the 1000000000 people sitting outside who you are making wait.

fabhead Mon 18-Jan-10 01:26:37

fuck off you smelly sexist twat, soon you will be dead and noone will give a shit about you or your ridiculous opinions on women in the workplace (harsh, I know, but I am provoked).

"Yes, it does take us an hour to put up our set. And after the show, it's going to take half an hour to pack it all into our van again. No, you cannot expect to set up the dinner hall immediately after the show finishes - do you think we just evaporate as soon as the panto ends?"

"It was really kind of you to not even offer us a cup of tea after we carted out set in over a sheet of ice in sub zero temperatures."

(to my boss) "Why the fuck do you think it's acceptable to send a team of actors off on a 3.5 hour drive to Aberdeen at 4am, with only one driver, do three shows and then come home again? Book a hotel you tight fisted twat."

"If you sit very small children at the front of the hall, yes they will cry when the baddy comes on, and yes you will need to remove them. We did suggest that you sat them at the back."

(in my part time job) "All your questions will be answered if you actually read the menu. When you ask where the topping are, the big letters at the top of the page are a huge fucking clue. No, we don't sell Irn Bru, and no we can't nip over to the shop and buy you some. Please stop your foul children from screaming and crawling under other people's tables. Also, it would be nice if you cleaned up when your kid vomits all over the high chair after having too much ice cream. And no, you will not get a table any faster if you harangue me every thirty seconds, unless you would like me to physically remove other customers' food in order to find you a seat."

Oooh, that feels better! grin

BelleDeChocolateFluffyBunny Mon 18-Jan-10 02:15:38

To mu boss:

I have a serious, incurable disease, you want me to come and see you because you wish to rant and rave about my sickness record, this is fine by me but please do not cancel and take time off because you have a farking cold!! There's really no need for you to rant and rave at me is there, I am so much worse off then you.

belle
shock at n*** - doesn't take a PC-genius to know this is unacceptable!! don't think most 80-90 year olds would use it any more

Poledra Mon 18-Jan-10 09:23:52

Thanks for this thread - apart from being very funny, ti just reminded me that I sent my daughter into school this morning without her dinner money blush

I have phoned the school secretary and explained and apologised politely, I swear! grin

Tortington Mon 18-Jan-10 09:28:27

why are you making me consult hundreds of old people and work my arse off and do evening meetings for a couple of weeks for a decision that has already been made? esident you money grabbing fuckers. i would like to say that to all directors

SerenityNowAKABleh Mon 18-Jan-10 10:28:01

This is from when I was a waitress
"Dear twat face. The reason why I handed you that giant sheet of paper with the writing on it, is because it is the menu. The "menu" tells you what we serve, and we serve it because we have the ingredients to make the stuff on it. Don't stare at it for 15 minutes and then say 'I'll just have a casear salad'. We don't have ceasar salads, or the ingredients to make it, hence it wasn't on the "menu". This isn't rocket science"

JackBauer Mon 18-Jan-10 10:39:58

I have another from a holiday job.

Listen, you snobby fuck, just because we are working on a bucket and spade stall outside a beach cafe does not mean we are thick. I am on my 2nd year of a Maths and Spanish degree and am bilingual, m'colleague over there tidying up the shit state your uncontrolled kids have left the stall in is doing a law degree and the guy you have just told to 'fuck off and do as he is told' is a fully trained chef who is working out here as a break from the kitchen. Although currently he is spitting on your lollies as you didn't like fact that the one you opened had stuck to the wrapper.
As such, I have added up the price correctly and if you speak to me like that again I will insert the spade you are buying somewhere only a radiographer will be able to check the price.
Now fuck off.

Oh god, I sooo wanted to say that, even 15 years later that feels better.

TO many, many people
Yes, that is my name, I know it is sometimes a boys name but as I am quite obviously not a boy do you not think that it is quite offensive to keep telling me my name is wrong. And stop pronouncing it wrong just because that's how you think it should be said, you heard me say it to you 2 minutes ago.
And no, my parents didn't 'really want a boy' Fuck off.

UB404now Mon 18-Jan-10 11:28:30

To the people enquiring for my Holiday Home,

No I am afraid those dates have gone.

No I am afraid I cannot 'do anything about it' the people who have booked have paid a deposit, and booked their flights. Would you like me to do that to you?

OR,
why would I take your poxy offer of half the rent for August? For 10 under 21 year olds. For my house with max occupancy of 8.
I can barely even read your textspeak misspelt e mail, and it leads me to believe that you will not read my carefully written instructions for the use of the house, and will be skanky to boot.

And, I do not believe that 6 guys coming to Cyprus is for a 'Team bonding' week, or is that what a stag weekend is called now?

Ivykaty44 Mon 18-Jan-10 11:40:41

Oh as a waitress

Why the hell do you not just split the bill by 8 ladies - instead of faffying around trying to work out who had what and what they should pay - you are all drunk and can't add up so why keep me here for 30 minutes after my shift just because you are all tight fuckers. smile

It isn't rocket science to remeber for 15 minutes from ordering to the food arriving - what you actually ordered, is it? or are you completley stupid and they let you vote? or even run a multinational company yet you can't rememebr what you ordered? shakes head in utter contemt

No you havn't been waiting 45 minutes for your food we only opened 20 minutes ago, its not my fault your hungry and forgot to have lunch

That is not somewhere to hang your coat on a hanger - your room is now soaking wet due to you putting it in the fire alarm and the senser was set of which then put out the fire that wasn't and you have caused 10k worth of damage and the people in the room under you are not to impressed eeither at you fucking stupidity - we dont put coat hooks on the ceiling.....

pagwatch Mon 18-Jan-10 11:47:29

Mine from work ten years ago.

:no . I am pregnant not deformed. I will stand up and meet my clients and I will not sit down and pretend nothing is going on. If there is a chance that you will lose the clients when I leave then you should have listened to me 5 years ago when I told you we needed to retain our best staff.

at Dhs work.
I am sure you are very nice but my jokes are not that funny and I don't need to be brought coffee thanks. he takes no notice of me regarding salary, bonus or promotion. Andplease stop giving my DD sweets - he doesn't listen to her either and she is likely to vomit.

slug Mon 18-Jan-10 12:11:07

You have a PhD, all of you. You are supposed to be intelligent enough to realise that telepath does not exist. Please send me clear requests rather than forcing me to email you five times to tease out your staff ID from you!

UnquietDad Mon 18-Jan-10 13:29:00

serenity:
And nor was it rocket salad?

SerenityNowAKABleh Mon 18-Jan-10 13:56:52

Nope, it wasn't. grin

MaggieNilAonSneachta Mon 18-Jan-10 16:19:03

ivykaty, probably 7 or the 8 wanted to just split it. there's always one who wants to split the bill.

MaggieNilAonSneachta Mon 18-Jan-10 16:19:29

i mean one who wants just their own bill. sorry.

FimBOW Mon 18-Jan-10 16:33:20

Just because you have been here since the year dot, does not give you the right to question what I wear to work. I have worn these dark grey dress jeans since I started and the boss has never ever said anything. So take your sticky beaks and shove them elsewhere.

Ahh

3littlefrogs Mon 18-Jan-10 16:54:41

Not professional but as a parent:

My child has an orthopaedic problem for which her consultant has prescribed special shoes. I know they do not look like regulation school shoes. SHE knows they do not look like everyone else's shoes.

It is unnecessarily humiliating for her when you pull her up every single day in front of all her class mates and reprimand her for wearing the "wrong shoes".

You are the deputy head. Why can't you read the letters I have sent in to the school????

angry

TwilightTurtle Mon 18-Jan-10 17:31:00

littlefrogs sad that's really rubbish.

nymphadora Mon 18-Jan-10 17:58:41

TBH littlefrogs I would say that!

RollBaubleUnderTree Mon 18-Jan-10 18:15:59

For thankfully ex-job

'I cannot believe you are a doctor, you are fucking(select from below)....

1. incredibly stupid
2. utterly insane
3. hideously rude
4. incompetent
5. all of the above.'

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Mon 18-Jan-10 18:52:37

For a past colleague:

The fact that you went to a smart university and have a lot of smart friends does not mean that it is an honour for the company to have you on the payroll. Nor is it (as you seem to believe) unspeakably vulgar of the company to expect you to work in return for your salary.

MavisEnderby Mon 18-Jan-10 19:03:03

Yes,I know that you have had to wait for 30 minutes for me to make you a cup of tea but actually there are 20 other people on this ward,one of whom is very poorly and just gone to intensive care and another who is grossly septic and so I have to say that your cup of tea was hardly my top priority and certainly not worth kicking off at me about!

To the sho- "Yes of course it is important,I wouldn't have paged you at 3am to prescribe a paracetomol"

aJumpedUpPantryBoy Mon 18-Jan-10 19:03:47

To 2 of my colleagues today

1)
Surely you can see that to continue to use this website (Sparklebox - owner has just been convicted of Paedophilia) is morally reprehensive. I don't care that 'it is handy' and you 'really like the resources' and 'they make your classroom look nice'

To the same colleagues

2)
The people of Haiti do need help, and yes that means people putting their hands in their pockets and donating (not that I expect you to). Don't tell me you are fed up of seeing it on the news - I would imagine they are fed up of the living hell they find themselves in. You are not poor (even by UK standards), so saying you need the money more than they do makes me feel sick

Actually, I did say number 1 but was too shocked to comment on 2

uglymugly Mon 18-Jan-10 19:26:45

This is long, so don't bother reading, unless you work in the NHS... but thanks to Jacksmama for starting this topic.

To Mr Orthopaedic Consultant:

Yes, I know you're bored and fed up because you've had to do Saturday operating lists because you have such a backlog, and you've probably had to cancel your golf session, but amusing yourself by singing your opnotes in mock CofE Vicar style is just insulting to the persons (who you know nothing about, and probably don't even know where their office is) who have type these.

To Specialist Sister in Urology doing cystoscopies:

Yes, I know your nursing training and all those years working in urology didn't include training for dictation, but when you stumble over simple things such patients' record numbers (123456) and are saying much the same kind of thing, and you get almost to the end and then decide you want to start all over, just remember we've typed everything thus far, deleted it, then had to to type it all up the next time. No, doing that three times in a row isn't funny. We did send you a friendly email with hints about just keeping going; did you ever read it?

To the Manager who was brought in at a cost of £large to improve efficiency:

Try getting to meetings on time. You became notorious for being incapable of that within the first couple of weeks. You might want to think that consultant's secretaries' efficiency won't be improved by fifteen minutes of thumb-twiddling while we await your majesty's arrival. (The efficiency exercise she instigated required secretaries attending weekly meetings which eventually resulted in: no change whatsoever.)

To Management facing a financial deficit just before the end of financial year:

Although stopping all purchases of stationery until the beginning of the next financial year will save money on paper, what it meant was that secretaries had to spend a lot of woman-hours begging, borrowing, and (quite possibly) stealing paper/printer cartridges to print out clinic letters. But, of course, that doesn't matter as it's not costs that show up in the accounts.

It's been a few years since all that, but I feel better now. grin

dawntigga Mon 18-Jan-10 20:00:28

Not exactly work related but it happened in work, I ride a motorbike and am going home in full leathers with my helmet under my arm.

Moron: Oh, do you ride a motorbike.

Tigga: No, I'm just really afraid of stairs

MoreThanHappySheNoLongerWorksForThatFirmTiggaxx

coolma Mon 18-Jan-10 21:00:52

Hey wouldn't it be 'funny' if one of us on this thread was making a comment about another one of us without knowing grin

Communication people, it's in the fricking name of the company!

BellsaRinging Mon 18-Jan-10 21:07:00

No, you have not messed up yet again because you have babybrain. You have messed up because you are a useless twat, who couldn't do the job before she got pregnant. You remain the same. Stop blaming your ineptitude on the fact that you had a baby a year ago. It's not cute, it's unprofessional.

Didn't we use this system 4 years ago? And as I recall we ditched it because it was rubbish?

Just do what I say. I spent 6 years training for this job. Honestly, I do know what I'm talking about.

To my former colleagues, yes I breastfed my daughter and sometimes I, god forbid, mentioned it at work (as I was still expressing at work), don't be an idiot about it and tell me it is 'not on' and 'not appropriate', we are all grown-ups, and to my two female colleagues, no, it is not 'disturbing' and there really is no need to put your fingers in your ears and go 'la la la'. Have some fecking solidarity with me. It all very well when one of the twats cracks a joke about rape or shitting through a straw, but god forbid I mention breastfeeding.

NanBullen Mon 18-Jan-10 21:22:34

<worried now wondering if BellsaRinging is actually my boss>

<remembers that ds is now 2 and so couldn't possibly still have baby brain wink>

Georgimama Mon 18-Jan-10 21:26:22

I overheard my colleague actually saying the following, which was class:

"it is not worth you even ringing me to tell me your wife has taken the towels out of the airing cupboard. Second hand towels are not worth as much as this phone call is costing you. Go to wilkos and buy some new towels, OK? Goodbye."

Respect.

In my current seat, I would like to say, "no, we will not be exchanging contracts today, because 1) you haven't put cleared funds for the deposit in our client account 2) you don't have a mortgage offer 3) the other side haven't replied to our queries 4) we don't have our searches back 5) your seller isn't ready either 6) I don't care what the estate agent says, the estate agent is a cock who doesn't know anything and just wants to make his bonus."

Apologies to any estate agents who are not cocks. But this one really was.

Jacksmama Tue 19-Jan-10 00:58:08

To many, many more clients: when I ring you back for an appointment, do not sigh at me down the phone line and say you left me a message hours ago. You know I don't have a secretary, so I book my own appointments, and you also know I frequently work through the lunch hour to fit in emergencies - which I guarantee you have benefited from at least one time or another - so, I'm awfully sorry, but while I did see that you rang, no, it did not induce me to interrupt someone else's treatment to ring you straight back!! I return calls during breaks or at the end of the day, it says so on my voice mail message, so please, possess yourself of a tiny amount of patience and DO NOT RING ME BACK FOUR TIMES IN AN HOUR asking if I got your message or am I even in the office today. Especially not when my days and hours in the office are also on my voice mail message!!

thumbwitch Tue 19-Jan-10 06:09:37

heh heh - JM, I feel your pain, I really do! Urgh at the minging crack at the start of this as well. I had someone come for a massage once who was peeling after their holiday and they hadn't had a shower prior to coming (no reason why normally you would but in this case...) so with every massage stroke I was causing the brown skin to peel off, and it was rolling up with the oil and lurking like giant mobile moles on their back - seriously vom-inducing!

To all clients with athletes' foot - CHECK your damn feet, CLEAN your damn feet, DRY them properly and TREAT THE FUNGUS! I don't want it and neither do any of my other clients! (although I do always wash my hands between clients and change the couch roll, there is still the floor they are walking on etc., etc.)

JollyPirate Tue 19-Jan-10 07:00:26

Loving this thread.

If you are not going to turn up for an appointment at least have the common decency to ring and cancel then I won't sit twiddling my thumbs for 30 minutes waiting for the next client. You have a phone and it's simple to use.

UniS Tue 19-Jan-10 09:56:30

TO a production manager being a grumpy sod.
YOU CAN'T talk like that to your customer. Just shut up, smile and get on with the job. He doesn't care if your depressed and doing nothing about it, he just wants the job he's paying us for done.

mistlethrush Tue 19-Jan-10 11:33:26

To Government Offices/Local Councils...

Its called 'consultation' for a good reason. It doesn't mean that you can make your mind up, tell people what you've decided and ignore all the comments you get back complaining about it or suggesting that something completely different would be more appropriate.

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Tue 19-Jan-10 14:05:35

From my other [unpaid] job:

If I ask for paperwork to be returned by a certain date, it's so that I can deal with it and forget it. I have neither the time nor the inclination to spend the fortnight after the deadline e-mailing and texting you to find out when you might deign to return the forms.

(Echoing an earlier contribution) I ask for payments to be handed over in an envelope, with your name and details of the payment on it. I provide envelopes and pens for this very purpose. If you insist on shoving a wodge of cash into my hand while I am speaking to someone else, you cannot take umbrage if I happen to forget who the money came from and later, very politely, query whether you have paid.

If your child attends an event with several dozen similarly-dressed children and you have ignored all suggestions that you might put your child's name in their clothing, you cannot really be surprised if they return home wearing another child's clothing.

frasersmummy Tue 19-Jan-10 20:25:53

look you are a bloody accountant when your t/sheet application says your timesheet doesnt have 35 hours on it .. it doesnt

No it doesnt.. it bloody doesnt.. no I will not add up the 60 lines on it .. you do it .. it wont come to 35 .. no it bloody wont

were you off the day they taught counting up in your accountants degree course?

frasersmummy Tue 19-Jan-10 20:27:59

how the hell do you get to be a senior tax consultant and not know how to work out the tax on your vodaphone bill??

frasersmummy Tue 19-Jan-10 20:28:54

madbad .. let me guess -brownies or guides or something like that

Jacksmama Tue 19-Jan-10 20:55:51

"Actually, there is nothing wrong with you, and it is all in your head."

MadBadandDangerousToKnow Tue 19-Jan-10 20:57:06

What makes you think that, frasersmummy?

<<whistles innocently>>

ClaireDeLoon Tue 19-Jan-10 21:02:14

In partners meetings I sometimes fantasise about saying 'I wish you would all shut up and go trim your nose hair'

Well actually none of the other female partners have nose hair but then they're not the ones I am wishing would shut up either.

nighbynight Tue 19-Jan-10 21:25:21

To the people who design our intranet:

Will you please stop getting young, skinny, goodlooking models to pretend to be engineers, photographing them pretending to work, and sticking them all over the intranet?
They do not look like engineers. I do not look like them. They do not look capable of solving any problem that our customer is likely to come up with. They are just very very very annoying.

choosyfloosy Tue 19-Jan-10 21:29:25

to models in skin care adverts

'you have a younger looking skin because you are SIXTEEN years old and have been airbrushed, quit squashing that rose'

MaureenMLove Tue 19-Jan-10 21:33:59

To a parent at consultation day tomorrow:

TBH your son is a little shit, he has no hope of even getting an F in any of his GCSE's and will probably be in prison by the time he's 18!

To said student:

I don't really give a flying fuck what you think. Do as you are bloody told, before I kick your sorry arse out of this classroom!

mumblechum Tue 19-Jan-10 21:43:21

(Am divorce lawyer)

I can't understand why he/she put up with you for as long as he/she did you fucking psycho arsewipe.

bandgeek Tue 19-Jan-10 21:51:56

I work in a bank call centre

"Stop spending all your money in New Look and River Island then you might have money to feed your kids."

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT STOP FUCKING SHOUTING AT ME!!!"

And breathe

thesouthsbelle Tue 19-Jan-10 21:56:27

after today.....

fuck of you nasty little man and bully someone else. pay your fucking bills and kep to your redit terms and I really don't care about the terms you have agreed with other companies cos I'm working for this one. so rev up n do one!!!

No, I have not in fact read and understood all 23 health and safety policies, nor do I agree to comply with them. I know what to do if the building catches fire or someone has a heart attack - everything else I can look up.

Jacksmama Wed 20-Jan-10 16:27:53

"Yes, you do have to pay for your missed appointment, just like you had to pay for the appointment you had for which you overslept.
What the hell do you think, my overhead magically stops and I stay suspended in a bubble while your appointment time goes by? When you don't show up, it is NOT "a little break" for me, it is actually a financial loss, so don't act as if you're doing me a favour, you pinhead!"

compo Wed 20-Jan-10 16:36:49

I would like to say tomorrow about my apparaisal

'hi, I don't give an effing eff what targets you would like to set me because I resign'

oh how I dream of resigning blush

nighbynight Wed 20-Jan-10 17:14:37

lol compo.
oh how I longed to say that when I worked in a company that had a matrix structure for you to assess yourself before the annual appraisal

ihatetinselbob Wed 20-Jan-10 17:41:19

"Your son/daughter is not a good boy/girl and attending appointments for his court order won't turn him/her bad due to them associating with young offenders. Because your son/daughter is an offender too and hitting/robbing/stealing/harrassing etc etc does not make them a good person.' AAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH, you stupid fuckwit of a parent take the blinkers off. {grin}

SpeedyGonzalez Wed 20-Jan-10 21:39:09

Look, we all know you are the incompetent oaf who negotiated that utterly ridiculous massive deal and cocked everything up for the rest of us. Everyone's been talking about it behind your back. Stop pretending. Learn not to be such a wuss. Also learn how to actually manage people, because burying your head in the sand only makes things worse.

Ahhh...if only I could have said that one.

OneOf8 Wed 20-Jan-10 21:56:44

to nearly everyone I work with I would love to be able to tell them exactly what a bunch of moaning twats they are.

I would highlight I took a profession which was not lunchtime supervisor in a nursery,
and to stop behaving in a way which makes me wonder what time their parents are collecting them.

I would tell people it is not my fault you are shit at your job when supporting the manager to dismiss them for poor performance (after full support has been given for 12 weeks)

I would tell management people are not soap characters, and therefore you can not just "wait and see" when a problem occurs

I would staple to the forehead of each prick a page stating basic common practices tried, teasted and known to demonstrate respect towards colleagues

I would love to be able to recommend managers "bang their heads together" when two staff member have an arguement over a newspaper left in a staff area

I would sell my soul to be able to tell a lazy fucker to get out, and to never dirty my line of vision again within the work place - and then give the job to someone who actually wants to work.

This morning I would have loved to say - Thursday is and always has been my day off. Why are you phoning me at 8.20 to ask where something in my office is that I asked YOU to sort out weeks ago. No I am not coming into the office today. No I cannot possibly come into the office today.....Yes I have plans, I do actually have a life!
Could I have my pay review as minimum wage seems a bit pathetic for someone who you can't possibly do without bothering on their day off, to come and fix a problem you have caused! Especially after you have just negotiated a 20% wage increase and tell me you can't possibly afford to pay me what I am worth. hmm

frasersmummy Thu 21-Jan-10 17:16:59

I would like to say to my boss..

a flexible working policy doesnt mean you can just change/add to my hours when it suits you

Bellebelle Fri 22-Jan-10 14:30:20

To all the idiots who's lack of preparedness meant I only got 4 hrs sleep on Monday night before working 7am - 1am the following day:

"no you cannot make 'just a couple of small changes' to your slides this evening. You've had months to prepare and I organised 3 rehearsal sessions for you all which you couldn't be a*d to come along to. Do you understand that I have a million things to do tonight to make your event run well without pandering to you overpaid twits' egos? Apart from keeping me up you're also keeping the crew up when they've been working since 6am and need to get enough sleep tonight so that there's less chance of them falling asleep listening to droning on tomorrow. You are all selfish f***s!"

oooohhh, feel much better now.

No, you alone do not pay my wages, everybody within this borough is required to pay Council Tax and my job is to make decisions for the benefit of the whole area, not allow you to do something ridiculous just because you feel like it. If you did pay my wages I'd like to point out that you don't pay me enough to deal with this shit.

You ignored my advice and argued with me when I suggested it, don't expect any sympathy when you realise you got it wrong. An apology wouldn't go amiss either.

Don't lie to me repeatedly, ignore the regulations that we both know you have chosen to ignore, then expect me to believe your sob story and prioritise your fuck up above everyone else's correctly submitted applications. I won't care and if you go bankrupt it might mean I never have to deal with you and the complaints you generate again. I have no sympathy for the situation you created that you now find yourself in and may even have a celebratory drink when it goes horribly wrong for you.

tinylion Fri 22-Jan-10 20:21:05

(to a customer) No I am not interested in your long boring stories about how you do home brewing and how you once made a brew out old potatoes that was 15% ABV and everyone drank it down the golf club and had terrible hangovers...and stop standing so close to me because your breath smells.

(to a landlord)yes I am a woman, but I do know a lot about beer and working in a brewery...no, you can't talk to a man about the beer, as I am the manager...yes, it is unusual isn't it...

(to the administrator) stop being such a melodramatic irritating gossipy old bag and spending hours chatting instead of doing a stroke of work..

(to the brewer) no one likes you as you have as much charisma as an old sprout and all you do is criticise everyone else in the company even though it is YOUR fault that the beer is undrinkable you greasy undereducated filthy oik...

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh much better

flecks Fri 22-Jan-10 20:45:38

Stop asking me to help you all day. You get paid more than me, because our twat boss promoted you while I was on maternity leave because you threatened to resign and she thought I wasn't going to come back for some stupid reason. So I don't want to help you with every aspect of your job - just get the fuck on with it.

Jacksmama Fri 22-Jan-10 21:44:21

ROFL @ "talking to a man about beer!

AxisofEvil Fri 22-Jan-10 22:03:02

1. This law/regulation wasn't enacted purely to spite you. No there is no an exception for your case. No I can't find a solution that involves you still doing what you want - it will still be prohibited by law.

2. You got yourself into this mess, don't shout at me when you want my help getting out of it

3. No your situation is not special. Senior management were quite clear that this was only allowed in certain cases and you just don't meet the criteria. Phoning me up daily won't actually change this.

4. Yes I'm sure you'd love me to come to your committee meetings "in case" a legal issue comes up. I am however too busy dealing with legal issues that have actually been identified and need dealing with to spend my life holding your hand.

Janos Mon 25-Jan-10 17:32:46

Ahh, brilliant thread!

To colleague:

How about you actually do some of your bloody work instead of sitting round picking fights and criticising the way other people do their job?

Oh and while you're at it, maybe you could explain how come, despite how much better at the job you are than anybody else in the office, I manage to complete MY workload AND get through most of yours despite the fact I only work part time and you don't, hmmmm?

GothDetective Mon 25-Jan-10 17:38:41

Its not my fault you're pregnant or that labour hurts so stop taking it out on me. Stop flopping around like a useless sack of poo and try and take on board some of my suggestions that I'm making to help you rather than lying on the bed moaning.

Slambang Mon 25-Jan-10 17:47:41

To a colleague - look love, I frankly just don't want to hear another single bloody word about your heavy periods or any other of your health problems any more. I know your menstrual cycle better than my own. Just SHUT UP.

No REALLY SHUT UP - that, means you stop talking to yourself in an incessant mutter too.

Slambang Mon 25-Jan-10 17:48:24

To a colleague - look love, I frankly just don't want to hear another single bloody word about your heavy periods or any other of your health problems any more. I know your menstrual cycle better than my own. Just SHUT UP.

No REALLY SHUT UP - that, means you stop talking to yourself in an incessant mutter too.

shockers Mon 25-Jan-10 22:34:57

Oooh..take a mint.

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