Feeling really guilty about only child

[Enchanted]

Our ds was the result of the middle of three IVF attepts, he's 2 1/2 and as precious as can be. We did have another go last year which resulted in nothing more than a huge overdraft. We have now run out of time, money and quite frankly, willingness to put ourselves through it again. The problem is I have just started to fret and feel sooo sorry for ds, he gets so excited when anyone comes that he usually goes over the top and becomes too boystrous. It's like he's just not used to having company and can't handle it without being really naughty. He is at nursery a couple of mornings a week and he loves it. The other kids around are all in childcare all day as their Mum & Dads work. (we have just moved to a new area) I keep thinking he needs more company than just me.
We have been talking about getting him a dog (don't laugh) as a kind of companion to run around the garden with, what do you think?

[anais]

I don't mean to sound patronising, but do you go to any toddler groups or anything similar? It would be a good way for you to meet people in your new area, as well as for your ds.

[jasper]

Enchanted I don't think you should be so hard on yourself about this. I have three kids quite close in ages (eldest is three and a half) . they play together but go completely over the top when visitors come. Lots of little kids do this whether only children or not.The most boisterous little boy I know is one of four
I agree with anais about toddler clubs.
Personally I would not get a dog as I think your son is too young to trust a dog with. It would be a lot of work for you. Not many dogs are the right temperament for a noisy two year old.

[Tortington]

i think your child is very lucky to have such good parents who love and cherish him so much - many dont.
i was an only child and i had the best of everything - whilst my friends had to share things and make concessions for their siblings i never had to do that. but my mum made sure i had lots of friends at the house.
on the other hand i have 3 kids - and as hard as i try , as hard as i work, i cant give them everything they want. not that they are demanding of things - but still i feel very guilty a lot of the time, guilty about shouting at the wrong one becuase other brother or sister has got them into trouble, and very sad i dont give them the individual time that i got as a child. i cant do three lots of homework - or give that attention and support they need. as a child i never knew money existed. i got to go on holidays abroad with my friends and never had to worry about the price of things - whereas my children are all too aware of cost and "sorry darling cant afford it right now" very routinely

i think your child is very lucky, dont feel guilty becuase there are so many many upsides to being the only one - i had a great childhood, plenty of friends, any toy i wanted, a lovely bedroom all to myself - i even had my knickers warmed in front of the fire before i went to school!!!

[GeorginaA]

I think guilt is the mother's disease - no matter what we do we feel guilt over it right from the word go: whether we co-sleep or not, breastfeed or not, use dummies or let them suck thumbs, what age we go back to work, etc. We can not win - someone somewhere will think we're doing the wrong thing or at least we imagine they will!

Whichever size family you have will have its pros and cons as custardo says. I am an only child and loved being an only child while growing up, although as an adult I would have liked a sibling to turn to when my father died. I think the only thing you can do is rejoice at the pros and compensate for the cons as best you can. (I know that's easier said than done, and is cold comfort when you must be feeling bitterly disappointed right now).

I think the dog sounds a great idea - I'm asthmatic so I had a rabbit when I was a kid (although I was a bit older when we got him). A dog would be much more companionly though - make sure you get a breed that is very good with kids (she says, stating the obvious).

Other options... my son is only 18mths and since about 9mths he's been going to a day nursery for one day a week. I have the excuse that I work from home and that one day helps me gets loads more done that I don't do in the evenings, but if you can afford it that might be an option. It gives you a break, and ds really enjoys the activities (there's no way I would do some of the more messy play at home!) and the other children.

Another thing to try is to contact your local Children's Service and NCT groups - they might be able to tell you about other toddler activities in your area which you could take him along to.

Remember in all of this that you need some looking after too. Do try and give yourself a bit of love and time out - it does sound like you've had a lot to deal with the last few years.

[RosieT]

We've got an only son of 4, and it's unlikely we'll have another for a number of reasons ? and I guess I'm still coming to terms with that, although I feel it's important to remember that there are lots of advantages ? both material and otherwise ? to being an only child and, despite what everyone else seems to be doing, having more than one is not compulsory. There's no guarantee your kids are going to get on. I have a friend with four children very close together, and she says she can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she has sat and just played with the youngest, and when she took one of the middle ones out on her own to a party, the little girl told her mum it was 'like a dream come true'. Yes, there are (hopefully) lots of good things about having siblings when you're growing up, but I can only remember my brother being horrible to me and we see each other only a couple of times a year despite living only about 2 miles away from each other. I'm not saying that I wish I didn't have a brother, but I'm convinced that my mum only had two children because it was 'the thing to do' ? in reality, she didn't enjoy much being a mum and admits as much. I'm not saying you feel the same, but I think there's a lot of tacit pressure on parents (particularly in middle class circles) to have more than one child, and it can feel as though you 'don't fit in, somehow' only having one. Being a good parent to one child is much better for that child than being a stressed-out, unhappy parent to several children. And research shows that that only children tend to be more confident, achieve better at school and be more successful in later life. (Hope I'm not offending any of you multiple mothers here ? having more than one is fine, if that's what you want, but it's not possible for everyone, and it's not what all of want).
Enjoy your precious ds, Enchanted, and don't feel guilty. 21/2 is a good age for thinking about starting a playgroup or a day nursery, where he can start making friends of his own. As long as he has plenty of chances to socialise, I'm sure he'll be fine

[elliott]

enchanted, another ivf mum here - there seem to be a few around mumsnet now. ds (12 mo) was the lucky lucky result of our first attempt, and I am just now thinking of treatment for a second, which I would dearly love, but know that it may not work out that way.
Not much to add to the wise words on here already. There are lots of ways to make sure ds gets company - as you say, he already loves nursery - and remember a new baby wouldn't really be much company for him for a long time. Sounds like making some links with local mums/NCT groups would be good for both of you!
There ARE lots of plus sides to just the one (can you tell I'm trying to convince myself ) DH is an only child, so I guess they must turn out ok!!

[Lindy]

I second what RosieT says, I have an only child, a DS now aged 21 months and never ever had any intention of having more than one child; I do think there are lots of advantages to having an only child and it's a shame to view it as a 'pity' - my DS is extremely outgoing & condfident & has a wide circle of friends, toddler group, creche, childminder one morning a week, sunday school etc. For both our sakes, I make sure we are out & about meeting other people (adults as well as children). I know other children from large families who can be really shy and nervous so I think it is more the child's character rather than whether he or she has siblings.

I do think society does put expectations on people to have more than one child, in fact in my circle of friends I can't think of any others who have only one child, with no intention of any more; at least no one questions me about my decision, it is obviously assumed that it is my age (nearly 45!) but that is not the major reason, I just never wanted more than one.

[elliott]

Lindy, I hear what you're saying, but when you always wanted more but can't, then it IS a pity, or at least a source of some sadness.

But one is fantastic too - much much better than none at all!! And its important to appreciate what we have rather than what we don't.

[Jimjams]

Enchanted- I'm an only child and I loved it. I never felt lonely and I never craved brothers and sisters. It's not as bad as some people with siblings make out.

Don't be too hard on yourslef- but also allow yourself to move on. If you have always imagined yourself with more than one you need time to come to terms with that. Rather than feel guilty or even angry at not having more remember what elliot said below- it is important to celebrate what you have rather than what you don't.

[clary]

Enchanted, I echo the other comments here.RosieT you are absolutely right about the pressure to have a certain number of children (ie two, no more, no less!) which I agree is appalling. Surely much better to be devoted mum to the only one you want than feel forced by society to have more. (I'm delighted to be having three now so come at this from the other side, but my point is the same, i think, ie it's up to you!) Clearly h/ever you would have liked another child at one stage but as others say, don't brood on that. You sound as tho you have accepted that DS will be an only one and of course there are many advantages, material and otherwise. Why not look at sending him to playgroup (he's old enough) or contact NCT which may be a good source of new friends. He sounds like he's much-wanted and loved and I'm sure he knows that and is happy.

[RosieT]

Hurrah for only children! Does anyone know of any websites/support groups (don't laugh ? it's true, some of us do feel the need for support ? or at least validation ? as parents to 'onlies', when it seems we're in a tiny minority). Do you know, one of the most insensitive things a friend (who was expecting her second child) said to me, after the inevitable question about when we were planning on having another was, "But what if something were to happen to ds? Then you wouldn't have any". I was completely shocked, and found myself meanly hoping that she has a really hard time with two children under two.
On the subject of pets, I think they're a really nice idea ? not as a sibling substitute, just generally. And research quoted in Practical Parenting this month says children with pets are not only calmer and better able to concentrate, but they have stronger immune systems, too.

[Mines]

Well, speaking as an only child who was usually at the middle of the pack (at various points in my childhood my mother had up to 8 dogs, mostly bloodhounds) I think having a dog may be quite a good idea.

It teaches you quite a bit, in a low key way, about 'sharing' since there is no more arguing with a dog than a toddler. It can also be quite physical and dirty, which can be good for your confidence (although I would say that, I guess). You learn to be sensitive to body language and empathise with a very different agenda. And it's always a talking point with your mates!

On the minus side I cannot emphasise enough how careful you need to be with any breed of dog and a small child. I was bitten several times - always because I had made a mistake, not because the dog was actively attacking me - and although it left me with no dog paranoia, it could have been different.

For what it's worth, I loved being an only, even if it did sometimes feel that I was raised by wolves

[Enchanted]

Thank you all for your comments, it has been very enlightening. When I started that thread last week I was feeling a bit down. The end of last year and the begining of this year were very hard for us, IVF#3 ended in tears 21st December and my Mum died January 5th. It took my sister in law to point out why I may be feeling a bit rough. Some times I am so busy trying to keep all my balls in the air (so to speak) that I can hardly register what is going on with me.
I love ds to bits and I am so lucky to have him, dh never doubted for one minute that we would have a child, I never thought for one minute we would. My Mum used to say that the reason she was so happy,was because she only ever thought about what she had, not what she was without.
I was glad to hear about all the pros for only children and I hadn't even given most of them a thought, a problem shared eh!
Also now you come to mention it, I have had lots of people asking me when we are having another one. Alongside nursery ds is starting play group in January and I am going to try and get out more.
Thank you all and Good Luck Elliot, I wish I'd have had Mumsnet when we were on the old IVF rollercoaster!

[aloha]

I feel a bit guilty about thinking about having another child as if I do then I will have much less time and money for ds - I don't know how I will afford as nice a nanny & clothes and they'll probably have to share a room or we will have to move to not-such-a-nice area to get another bedroom etc etc. He loves to be cuddled and sit on my lap and sometimes I feel how awful it would be not to have an empty lap to pull him on to... so I suppose it is true, guilt just comes with the territory. All the studies show only children tend to be more successful in later life - all that attention I suppose. Still, I do understand that it is very hard if you always wanted more. But hard for you, not your ds.