Being me/getting my own way

[missdilema]

Do you remember when you were a kid and being bossed around by your parents and thinking how wonderful life would be when you were grown up and being able to do exactly what YOU wanted to do and not what anyone else wanted.I remember that feeling so well.So what happened then?I kind of promised myself that I wouldn't do things I didn't want to do anymore but I end up still doing things I don't want to,infact all the time.Like today I ended up doing overtime at work again for the 3rd time in a week which I don't get paid for.I'm going to a party on new years eve to someone who I don't even like just because dh wants to go.I'd rather work as I've never really liked new year that much I'm more of a xmas person.I've got the opportunity to work and dh has put the stops on it and said no.I'd like to spend xmas at home really but I can't.I'd love to take the kids to church but I'm not even allowed to do that either.Where did my promise go?I don't even know if I'm going to post this it's done me good just getting it down.Oh alright I will,it might entertain someone somewhere.Is this just life,full of boring compromise and pleasing everyone else.

[GeorginaA]

It certainly feels like it at the moment

I know I don't even do this myself, but it's something I keep promising I'll do to cheer myself up, is do one thing a day that's for me even if it's small - half an hour with a book, or do some writing, or play a computer game.

I had a great present for my birthday this year where I had a disposable camera and a blank notebook - I have to think of 27 things I want to do before my major milestone birthday and do them all (and get a picture of them - 27 because there's 27 pics on the film). So I made a list and I've got things like "have tea at the Ritz" and "get something published no matter how small". Haven't done them yet, but it's nice to know they're there!

[WideWebWitch]

missdilema, in answer to your question, no, I don't think life is just a series of boring compromises and pleasing everyone else but then I do think I have a deeply selfish streak...I remember that feeling too of 'won't it be great when I'm grown up and can do whatever I want' - remember it very well. I also remember a point in my life when I decided that if I really didn't want to do anything then I didn't have to. The liberation was bliss! Of course now I'm older and wiser (think this epiphany was at about 18!) I do things that I don't want to do, everyone has to, but I do enough of what I want for the rest to be manageable. It's a question of enough of both I think.

In your position I think I'd put my foot down about the overtime, refuse to go to the party but compromise by agreeing not to work but doing something else with DH on NYE and I'd definitely take my kids to church if I wanted to! Why aren't you allowed to? By whom? Anyway, that's me and I'm not you so it's just my view.

[WideWebWitch]

Georgiana, what a fantastic present! I'm going to nick that idea definitely! Hope you manage to do them all.

[GeorginaA]

Me too! (Although I know I'm going to end up waiting until the last year then running around getting them all done!)

Was a fantastic present from a friend who was unemployed at the time - the thought that went into it was tremendous (was all wrapped in a lovely homemade presentation box and had a scroll with silver pen writing and stuff) - definitely was one of the best presents I've ever had!

[missdilema]

Georgina that is a lovely idea,how many have you done.And do you feel a bit like I do at the moment?Sometimes it gets to me more than other times.Perhaps it's all about being a parent and a partner?You put it into perspective a bit though so thanks for that when you said have a bit of me time.i realise that I do often really with the little things like going up to bed early and reading a magazine for instance,or a spot of shopping,great.
WWW I like the bit about doing enough for myself so that the rest is manageable.My life would be so different if I did everything that I wanted.Dh is the one who says no church I'm afraid.He's very anti religion and even would like the kids to not have any part of it at school even,I mean to make his feelings known to the teachers so that they would not even have to join in on religious songs etc.I did put my foot down about that though and said no.I feel I'm neglecting that side of me and think I would have more friends if I could join a church here too.I think he would disown me if I did

[aloha]

MissDilemma - tell me, what do you forbid your dh to do? After all, it would be unfair if he didn't also promise to obey your rules. He sounds a bit of a control freak IMO (no offence meant) who rather expects you to do anything he fancies. Life coaches always say that waiting for/expecting other people to change is a waste of time and a sign of passive living. The alternative is to live actively and just start doing some of the things you want to - without asking for permission. I'm not a religious person at all, but if you want to go to church, surely that's your prerogative. As long as you don't bend his ear about it/try to convert him then it's a free country. Why can't you spend Xmas at home? I am! Maybe an assertiveness course might help you? Or a book by a woman called Jo Ellen -Grzyb who specialises in helping people who are 'too nice'.

[GeorginaA]

missdilema: I haven't done very much at all so far, although I am working towards a few! Have restarted a writing course that I bought years ago and gradually working through that - I'm enjoying it although it's hard work.

I feel a bit happier today, your post too helped me get things in perspective a bit and gave me an outlet to whinge too! Dh has started a job away from home which means he's only home at weekends. He used to work from home so it's been a big shock. Feels like I don't get many breaks anymore - especially as when ds is asleep I should be decorating to make our current home more saleable so we can quickly be a family again. On top of that ds has had a bad chest infection this week and his sleep has been very disturbed so sleep deprivation has taken its toll! Some days I feel more in control of my life than others, I guess.

I'm sorry to hear that your dh doesn't like the idea of church - it's difficult when partners have differing religious views, isn't it? I'm pagan and dh is christian (originally we were both christian - I found my new path after we were married) - fortunately neither of us hold particularly strong or dogmatic stances so it hasn't really proved an issue so far. I can understand your dh's point of view in terms of not exposing the children to something he strongly disbelieves in, but there might be a compromise position there somewhere. Could you perhaps agree to him doing something with the kids that shows an alternative viewpoint later in the week? Or perhaps he would agree to looking after the children while you went to church on your own? At the very least, I would hunt out some christian newsgroups/message boards on the net so you get some outlet and make some more virtual friends. I'd agree with aloha that you should be more assertive but also think that if you're not used to it or it's a complicated position that you should take it one very small step at a time!

Anyway, hope you feel happier soon. Please keep posting about how things are going.

[Bozza]

Missdilemma it sounds like you are getting some good advice here. As far as going to church is concerned by DH is not religious but he plays golf on a Sunday morning so DS (aged 1) comes to Church with me. If DH does not want him to come then he will have to stay at home on a Sunday or take him to golf (not likely). At the moment DS loves Church, he sits at the back colouring and dances to the hymns and shows off to the old ladies. Maybe when he's 8 or 9 he would prefer to go caddying for DH and maybe when he's 14 or 15 he would prefer to stay at home in bed - we shall have to see. But I suppose all this is a bit of a compromise. And I think in reality most people's aspirations get toned down by life. I remember I thought I could have it all but it doesn't really work out like that.

After being so smug (hope I wasn't really) about having my Sunday mornings sorted I can now confess to New Year's Eve being a total mess and DH and I are probably going to end up doing something neither of us wants to do and which we initially agreed we would not do.

[aloha]

I hope I don't come accross as TOO bossy & smug! I agree we all (except Madonna, probably) find ourselves making one compromise too many at times. I just get cross when I hear of people being forbidden to do things by partners. I have to say, I would never expect my dh to spring a surprise trip to a health farm on me (as likely as my suddenly flying round the room) but I am happy to book a leg wax on Saturday morning and let dh know he's got ds for the duration.

[Bozza]

I think my problems/compromises are more with other family members than my DH. We pretty much have an agreement that if he plays golf twice a weekend (which I don't mind because he works from home and this is pretty much is only social outlet but still it is a lot of time) then I decide for both of us (ie for the family) what we do the rest of the time. Obviously he has some input but not that much.

[GeorginaA]

Aloha - you didn't come across as bossy or smug at all!

Odd though, isn't it. In some things I can be very good at being assertive, in others I find it incredibly hard to be even seen as rocking the boat - and what those are varies from week to week, day to day. It's very hard to know when to compromise to preserve family harmony and when you're actually letting yourself down by being a bit of a doormat. There's a balance there somewhere, but I'm not very good at finding it!!

That said, I know I'm very lucky - dh is really good with ds and more than pulls his weight in terms of childcare and chores. In some ways that's why it's been such a shock with him being away in the week - I've been spoiled for so long! I can't imagine the stress women must be under when their partner isn't as supportive - parenting isn't an easy task even under the most ideal circumstances.

[missdilema]

Hi,had to leave this alone last night and do something else,by the time I put it on paper and had a proper think about it it was starting to cheese me off.I didn't want to be like that as I've worked my socks off this week and am trying to relax,ahh deep breath now...where's that gin gone..oh no it's only 1.30.
Aloha lol you didn't sound smug,you're right he's a total control freak. I know he loves the pants off me though and he's a good man and dad etc.BUT.I spoke to my mum about it and spookily enough she had exactly the same from my dad...who said we don't marry our parents?If I were to go to church even on my own it would cause such a rukus and change the dynamics of our relationship.All because he has very strong feelings about it.The older I get though the more it gets to me though,it never used to bother me when we first met but we all change don't we?It's just something I'd really love in my life.I really am assertive in other areas of my life,I just hate atmospheres and like the peace.I can't spend xmas at home because the inlaws like to see the kids but it's ok I don't just have myself to think about here.
I'm going to post some more in a bit.

[missdilema]

The house work was dull so I'm back.Who thinks I should confront him about this church going business when we're out and he's had a few(always a good time to ask for anything).Next week we're going out just the two of us in fact it's our wedding anniversary.
Georgina good luck doing your writing course.What you said about compromise and letting yourself down,made me think.I'm resenting dh at the moment because of his strong views.It can't be doing our relationship any good,Iam starting to fantasize about the things I would do if he wasn't around.We're two different people really,I'm easy going and he's like a firecracker going off sometimes if he doesn't have his way.
Georgina you sound like you should be knackered with what you're doing.Before we moved area dh started working away and used to come home at weekends only too as I had to sell the house.The only good thing was I couldn't work at the time.Any buyers on the horizon?Thanks for your advice.
Bozza.oh dear to your NYE plans.Thanks for your thoughts.You're right we all have to tone down our wants and compromise it's part of life really.
Aloha thanks to you too.I do get cross when I think about it sometimes.Then I imagine my life without him and his family and I suppose it's worth putting up with some crap for the good times.Lets see now who was it who said "if you want the rainbow you have to put up with rain" hmm Dolly Parton I beleive.(DB fans

[Bozza]

Missdilema. I'm a bit hesitant to advise you to discuss the Church issue when you're out celebrating your wedding anniversary. I would hate your celebrations to be spoilt. I think you have to decide how strongly you feel about it. Also IMO you going to Church and taking your kids are two separate issues.

Don't worry about my NYE. Its only one night after all. The dreaded option we did not want was going to my in-laws party BTW.

[missdilema]

We always have quite frank discussions when we've had a few.I'm just worried that if he says he won't like me if I do go then I won't like him anymore!Aargh is this making any sense.It could ruin things a bit.

[GeorginaA]

I'm not convinced anniversary celebrations are probably the best time - but you know him best, so you should decide. Bring it up if the conversation moves in that direction.

I would just start small really and see how he reacts to that - then you can gradually build on it over the months. Perhaps suggest you go to a carol service running up to Christmas? That's reasonably low key and is a "one off" as such ... time enough later to build up to going, say once a month, etc.

Keep it non-confrontational if you can... lots of "I" statements. "I miss going to church...", "I feel there's something missing without it...", "I understand you feel strongly, but it's important to me". Take lots of deep breaths and don't shout if he takes it badly! (Hmm... this is scary, I'm using all the techniques you're supposed to use with toddlers grin). I'd advise against you drinking too much if you want to remain in control of the conversation! Plan out as much of the conversation beforehand if you can - imagine what objections might come up and plan a rational, calm response to them.

It might be something you have to prepare the groundwork for and then bring up again at a later date. Good luck!

[titchy]

I think you should definately mention this - it's not as if you are asking him to change his principles or anything. You are just as important as he is and your views are also.

Georgina is right to suggest starting small - perhaps just insist you go to 'one-off' church events such as a Christmas service, an Easter one, and a Harvest one.Three a year is not too much to ask!

He sounds as if he may be afraid of losing you, or you turning into someone he doesn't like - a churchy do-gooder type ofr instance, or maybe he thinks you will start quoting the bible at him, or insist you get married or whatever. He needs a great deal of reassurance that this won't change you, or how you feel about him and you will still respect his views and will not try to impose your views on him or the children.

Maybe if you explain that he is more likely to ruin your relationship by being so controlling (you may want to put it a bit more tactfully!), than by letting you go to chuch two or three times a year.

HTH and good luck!!

[Bugsy]

Missdilema, I really sympathise with you about the Church issue. My dh is a complete non-believer, he thinks religion is for stupid people - the opium of the masses. I am a Catholic and I spelt it out to him before we were married and said that I would go to Church and our children would be Catholics and it really was a take it or leave it situation.
I think your dh is being a bit unreasonable by forbidding you to go. Do you forbid him to do stuff? I would see it as a serious infringement of my (limited) liberty if someone forbade me to do something that was entirely legal.
I really think you should have a chat with him, tell him how you "feel". If he really doesn't want the children to go then at this stage you'll have to go on your own, but at least they could see as they got older that you did something that was important to you every week and they may decide to go too.
I really wish you good luck with this, it sounds to me as though it is something a bit more fundamental than just church on Sunday.

[NewNameInCaseDhSees]

But Bugsy, what you were really telling your dh before you were married was that your religion is more important to you than he is, because you wouldn't give it up for him.
I sympathise with missdilemma's problem, as my dh is rather similar on this issue. We would certainly divorce if I told him that religion was more important to me than he is.
missdilemma, we've come to a sort of compromise on this. I've taken the children to church from time to time on the grounds that it is good for them to be known and have contacts, especially as we now live in quite a religious area. However, dh hit the roof when he discovered that I had been telling them bible stories, including the nativity. My own view is that I don't mind if they're religious or not, but if they don't know any religion, what are they going to have the pleasure of rebelling against when they're grown up?
Having said that, I must admit that if dh suddenly became a hindu or a muslim, I probably wouldn't be so laid back about my children receiving religious instruction that is unknown to me.
I don't feel terribly strongly on this issue, so it isn't really a flashpoint between us at the moment. hope you manage to sort it out. I think GeorginaA's suggestions are brilliant, get something to do for yourself! And have the odd sneaky bible reading/hymn singing/praying session to keep yourself in touch with God!

[Bugsy]

NNICDHS, I see what you are saying. However, I wasn't really trying to say to him that religion was more important to me than dh, I was just trying to explain to him that it was such a significant part of me that if he couldn't accept that, then he didn't love all of me. I never try to convert him, I just accept his anti-religious point of view.

[aloha]

NewName, there are loads of things I'd refuse to give up for dh, but that doesn't mean they are more important to me than he is. If I started demanding my dh stopped listening to music, he wouldn't do it, but I don't think that means he likes music more than me. It doesn't have to be either/or! Mind you, my liberty as an idependent person does mean a great deal to me. I am not at all religious - in fact, I would describe myself as anti-religious, so can actually understand your dh's point of view (I would be totally devastated if he became Islamic and started harping on about headscarves. Actually I would divorce him for that. Ditto for Scientology, cos it's stupid, and the British National Party, cos it's evil (& he'd need a personality transplant)) but also feel that he knew you had religious leanings before you married, so it's not exactly that you've changed, more that you haven't changed! As long as you don't bore him witless/ try to convert him/tell him he's going to hell then I don't see why you shouldn't pop along to church on a Sunday. It is hard if one of you has a different religion/political viewpoint/moral worldview than the other. Dh and I are v different but share a pretty common atheist, liberal, no-dropping-litter-in-the-streets view of the world and also agree about bringing up our kids, which really helps. I wonder how other couples bridge big gaps.

[missdilema]

Bugsy my dh sounds quite similar in his views to yours.Dh thinks religion is for weak people and doesn't like the very moralistic no drinking side of it etc. I don't "need" to go to church but I do sometimes need to be with like minded people for that side of myself.I have no friends who are religious.I feel very isolated in that way.
Titchy thanks for your insight,all these posts have made me think more about where dh is coming from.
Alhoa the book recommendation sounds interesting,think I'll look it up.
Newname,it's nice to know I'm not the only one so thanks for posting.
I will definately bring it up with him one day,I just can't work out which month I'd like to completely ruin yet...