I intend being lovely for ever so I can avoid my own hell. In my hell I would walking a vomiting rottweiller and would be followed by a bagpiper playing arrangements of popular tunes. The whole place would smell of hops and broccoli. I would be naked but for a pair of cripplingly high heels (or crocs). I would not have my glasses so I would not be able to see. What is your personal hell?
I am travelling by bus through a non specific South American country with diarrhoea. I am squashed onto the back seat between Paris Hilton who is making a hilarious "slumming it" documentary and Jim Davidson who is trying out his new ethnic material. We have cold tripe and onions to eat using wooden chip forks. There is no rest stop for another 300 miles and I have lost my contact lenses. The bus driver has a very small transistor radio balanced on the dashboard which he tries to tune in as we hurtle round blind bends-he has found a station which is playing the Mini-Pops. I have no toilet paper.
Actually <gibber> it's being trapped in a room full of polystyrene chips, which are gradually increasing in number and about to suffocate me. My hands are tied so I have to <yelp> chew my way out... oh, the horror, I need another drink now.
I was thinking about this and realised there would be another bit to mine...
As well as it being an eternal caravan holiday with Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini playing on a loop, only tofu to eat, pouring with rain, me stuck in the van with Richard Madeley, Jeremy Clarkson and Dean Gaffney - who want to play strip poker....I'd have...
The WORST, ahem, intimate itch that I was DESPERATE to scratch, but I'd be unable to sneak away to do it.
Oh, and they'd be farting and the windows would be sealed shut.
Endless rap/hiphop/bhangra music on a tape loop. Dogs everywhere, salivating and defecating. Reality TV and soaps on all channels. No books. Apart from Jordan type stuff. A cold swimming-pool in which everyone is forced to "enjoy" themselves.
Mind you, though, Heaven would be full of smug Christians. Do I really want to go there?
I am on Jeremy Kyle where my husband has taken me to inform me that he has been enjoying 3 somes with my sister and best friend and both of them are now pregnant despite him telling me for years he couldnt have children.
It is then revealed that this has all been a huge Jeremy Beadle style joke and actually everyone I have ever me in my entire life is there to celebrate my birthday.
No-one has brought a present.
There is however a large, dry, supermarket cake and a 4 pack of warm own brand lager that we all have to share with no glasses.
A small room with no fresh air Nothing to read ONly a continual track of people telling me how I have dissapointed them for my whole life. No DS to cuddle No food except tomatoes and olives. Being forced to smell coffee Being forced to to my times tables over and over again and not letting me go to the toilet until i got it right so i pee myself (that happened at primary school)