Your own personal Hell

(111 Posts)
Califrau Mon 04-Feb-08 19:41:05

I intend being lovely for ever so I can avoid my own hell.
In my hell I would walking a vomiting rottweiller and would be followed by a bagpiper playing arrangements of popular tunes. The whole place would smell of hops and broccoli. I would be naked but for a pair of cripplingly high heels (or crocs). I would not have my glasses so I would not be able to see.
What is your personal hell?

hunkermunker Mon 04-Feb-08 19:44:26

Oh, wow, imagine if hell really is that personal!

You've thought about this A Lot, haven't you?

PMSL at the vomiting rottweiler and the odour of your hell.

Mine is:

Being late for something unspecified but important, rushing, flustered, having not had enough sleep... No, hang on, that's my life.

So, my own personal hell:

It'll have a shipwreck in it. Barnacley, eerie and with strange, pale, darting fish and the occasional almost-picked-clean skeleton.


rantinghousewife Mon 04-Feb-08 19:45:04

An eternity of smelly tube train rides, being groped by some lecherous 'gent', whilst having to inhale the bodily odour of the dubious looking 6ft tall man boy, who looks like he would be quite happy to murder everyone in the vicinity.

needmorecoffee Mon 04-Feb-08 19:45:36

Mine would resemble a shopping mall with muzak, thousands of shoppers and having to wear 'fashiobale clothes'
Cribbs Causeway in Bristol to be precise. See, they've built my hell.
Oh, and add my mother to it for that extra experience.

RubyRioja Mon 04-Feb-08 19:46:07


Carmenere Mon 04-Feb-08 19:47:04

It would involve rodents and cheap perfume and a bumpy twisty car journey.

hunkermunker Mon 04-Feb-08 19:48:21

Ah, yes, the odour would be Angel perfume. The worst perfume known to humankind.

Toddler group.

MAMAZON Mon 04-Feb-08 19:49:27

being locked in a lift with a moth/butterfly naked whilst take that tunes played in a loop, and all i had to eat was mushrooms

soapbox Mon 04-Feb-08 19:50:02

Being in a locked room with one or more spiders.

sherby Mon 04-Feb-08 19:50:32

Tesco today

Gave the car keys to DD, forgot to get them back, did the shop, got back to the car, where are the keys DD, 'I threw them in the road mummy'

DS screaming

Me carrying him and the shopping and washing powder

DD running in front of cars

40 mins later I found them

Whizzz Mon 04-Feb-08 19:51:03

Mine would be underground in a water filled pot hole, with the strains of Cliff Richard singing Miseltoe & Wine being played loudly whilst others threw tinned cooked tomatoes at me, with bats flying about and cockroaches climbing the walls

violetsky Mon 04-Feb-08 19:51:16

Mother and Toddlers, I hated it; The kids loved it; therefor we went.

tiredemma Mon 04-Feb-08 19:52:55

Mine would be having to copulate with a bloke called Dean who I used to work with, who had hair like Elvis, wore cowboy boots and had a Lord of the Rings ring.

Cappuccino Mon 04-Feb-08 19:53:27

"I threw them in the road mummy"

<weeps with laughter>

hecate Mon 04-Feb-08 19:54:55

A eternal caravan holiday.

Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini is playing on a loop.

The only food available is tofu.

It's raining cats and dogs and I'm stuck in the van.

With Richard Madeley, Jeremy Clarkson and Dean Gaffney

And they want to play strip poker.

filthymindedvixen Mon 04-Feb-08 19:55:16

nothing to read....

sherby Mon 04-Feb-08 19:56:10

Yes Capp it is very funny now

Nbg Mon 04-Feb-08 20:00:59

Mine would be to be stuck in any soft play for all of eternity.

Even worse, a Butlins soft play.

Cappuccino Mon 04-Feb-08 20:04:14

I would be sitting on a hard chair in a cold draught, surrounded by 21 year olds complaining about something really important

WigWamBam Mon 04-Feb-08 20:06:01

MIL would be sitting in the corner with an endless supply of tacky gifts and patronising comments. There would be Mantovani-type muzak on tape loop, alternating with early Pink Floyd. The fridge would be empty of everything but cheese, and there would be nothing but cheap red wine to drink. The wardrobe would be full of 1980s fashions, and there would be Ugg boots and nothing else to put on my feet. There would be nothing to read except chick-lit, butterflies would flit gaily around day and night, the room would be completely covered in mirrors and would smell of cabbage and Stilton. Cali's bagpiper would occasionally give her 12 hours off and stand outside the room with a dozen of his mates playing a selection of military airs at top volume (having brought along a drum corps to keep them all in time).


Califrau Mon 04-Feb-08 20:16:26

If WWB has my piper then I am sure that Mary J Bilge could come and entertain me for a while.

Sunshinemummy Mon 04-Feb-08 20:18:55

My legs would be paralysed but I would be able to feel them so it would feel like they were trapped all the time.

DP's mother would be there, crying.

It would be cold, wet and windy.

It would smell of sour milk.

I would have to listen to Love Shack by the B52s ona loop.

I would be forced to work out percentages over and over again.

PeatBog Mon 04-Feb-08 20:20:30

I am stuck for eternity in a villa on some ill-advised holiday with two other families with whom I have fallen out spectacularly. They have odious children.

It is always 90 degrees in the shade. There is no breeze.

There is only tripe and hard-boiled eggs to eat.

My dh and children are not there.

Oh, and there is a perky bimbo who wakes us every morning at 5am for 2 hours of aerobics.

In hell it will rain hairy golden syrup

janeite Mon 04-Feb-08 20:24:03

Fab thread!

Okay I've been a bad girl and here I am in hell -

Northfield, Birmingham on a Saturday afternoon. I am with Dawn French and she is singing Take That songs over and over again. And all there is to eat is meat. And all there is to read is Ian McCewan.


This is a superb thread.

In my personal hell I have missed the last bus or train home and have not got my phone with me, or any money to call anyone. It's about three in the morning and I have to walk eleven miles home. I am drunk enough to feel lousy, not drunk enough not to care. It is lashing rain and I am wearing a hairy mohair jumper which quickly gets soaked. Rain spottles my glasses and trickles down my neck. I need to go to the loo badly and also realise I am getting my period. I have not put on deodorant that morning and as I walk I smell the combination of wet wool and armpit. My jeans are too tight (and sodden) and the label at the neck of my jumper is wearing a sore at the nape of my neck. Etc etc into the night. Oh and I have a job interview at 8.30 the following morning and have to go back into town first to collect my car.

edam Mon 04-Feb-08 20:27:37

It would involve a swimming pool (fear of water and not being able to wear my glasses). And a poolside restaurant where I had to eat meat. Although not having glasses on might actually help, there, I suppose. And someone reading aloud the complete works of Jeffrey Archer, while the music system plays experimental jazz.

I think in hell they speak french very quickly while sucking sticks of seaside rock.

magsi Mon 04-Feb-08 20:31:28

O.k, mine would be being stuck in a lift with a load of daddy longlegs dive bombing me and then a load of gnats eating me alive!!!

<remembers not to read any more James Herbert>

Quattrocento Mon 04-Feb-08 20:32:09

Being stuck in a lift with Gordon Brown

Vacua Mon 04-Feb-08 20:33:20

there is no waitrose, no john lewis

I have to use public transport, there are no private cars

and shop at asda

there is no high speed internet connection, anywhere - we are back to pay by the minute dial up and pay by the minute internet usage circa 1996

pmsl @ this thread!

Mine would be in a car park of Ikea surrounded by massive 4x4s, unable to cross the road to get coffee (due to said beasts).

A small dog would be yapping constantly in the background and there would be a big pond full of seaweed that I had to stand in while waiting to cross the road.

I would be repeatedly forced to eat food containing lemon grass and to drink camomile tea.

There would be no ventolins and I would be choking on fumes. Lee Evans would be doing his hilarious stand-up routine next to me.

God I feel quite faint re-reading that

StressTeddy Mon 04-Feb-08 20:35:36

Not 100% sure of the total "vibe" in my personal hell but it would defo involve Sian Lloyd, people who talk and get globules of spit attached from one lip to the other (boak) and shellfish

Every half hour Shirley Bassey will sing My Way. In between a chorus of grannies will keep up a constant background of The Wheels on the Bus.

hecate Mon 04-Feb-08 20:39:36

Hey everyone, don't forget --- Mumsnet would not exist and we'd all be members of <insert name of fluffy ticker-filled site of choice, cos I'm too cowardly..>

LittleMy34 Mon 04-Feb-08 20:42:15

In mine there would be plug in air fresheners in every electric socket in the house, plus those ones that do the 'puff' every three minutes and change colour - all with different smells. the windows would be sealed shut, and the heating stuck on full. the TV would be showing Dancing on Ice, Strictly Come Dancing and Blind Date on a continuous loop on full volume. the only thing to eat would be anchovies and Spam.
and Jeremy Clarkson and Jeremy Paxman would be having an argument on my sofa.

hecate Mon 04-Feb-08 20:43:18

and they'd be nekked....

magsi Mon 04-Feb-08 20:45:06

OMG am I going to have nightmares tonight! grin

That is truly hell littlemy34 i presume Bruce Forsythe is in the kitchen naked except for pointed shiny shoes and everyone's pockets are full of loose jam.

LittleMy34 Mon 04-Feb-08 20:46:51


the nakedness pushed me over the edge.

[sticks straws in her hair and gibbers]

VeniVidiVickiQV Mon 04-Feb-08 20:49:05

A world with no sugar, no flat shoes, a bra that is too tight, knickers that keep disappearing up your arse crack, the smell of ashtrays all around, interspersed with vomit and diarrhoea smells, and no plants.

I'd be stuck in a pothole,with 2ft of icy cold water lapping around my calves.A vomitting child would be sitting on my knee,puking to a background of Celine Dion warbling horribly and a dog barking over & over again.

All there would be to eat would be tofu & cous cous,drink would be herbal tea,and I'd be forced to watch X Factor,Srictly Come Dancing,and other tosh of that ilk.My reading matter would be 'hello''ok' & dire mnagazines with either Jordan or Kerry Katona on the front.It would smell of sweaty trainers & wet dog.

Think reading matter is actually the Gideon Bible and the complete unabridged Thomas the Tank Engine collection/

oxocube Mon 04-Feb-08 20:54:11

brilliant thread but have to go away and ponder my Hell - cannot do 'Spur of the Moment Hell' !!

Carmenere Mon 04-Feb-08 20:57:38

Bill Clintons autobiography is definitely my reading matter in hell.

TaLcYonHerTodd Mon 04-Feb-08 21:01:50

A never ending plane journey with kylie minogue singing on the tannoy.

bunnyhunny Mon 04-Feb-08 21:02:37

needmorecoffee - you beat me to it!

Ikea before christmas and heavily pregnant (this actually happened btw, but the details are added) or perhaps pregnancy would be a nice thing, so maybe just fat and feeling sick instead.

there is loads of raw meat and fish everywhere. music would be rap - really hardcore mysogynistic rap. and there would only be hello and take a break to read.
and they would make me wear 'fashion', makeup and have my nails painted. and I would be wearing heels.


oxocube Mon 04-Feb-08 21:06:27

Nothing to eat except celery and doner kebab. I have no teeth, have become a chain smoker and live in an enclosed space with maggots squirming around my feet. I am watching endless episodes of Neighbours and Eastenders without alcohol. There is no central heating and there are no computers except for 'tennis' and 'space invaders'.

Tutter Mon 04-Feb-08 21:08:10

i'd be wearing a slightly chafing g-string and jeans that were too tight in the crotch area

i'd be sitting in a small room or lift (am claustrophobic) and it would be just that bit too warm. so i'd be sweating

i'd have a headache and would feel slightly nauseous

my nose would be running but i wouldn't be ble to wipe/blow it

my teeth would feel slightly furry, like i hadn't cleaned them properly

i'd have an eyelash in my eye

i'd be able to hear a conversation and laughter but not eb able to make out what was being said

and i'd be able to smell slurry

<makes note to avoid stephgen king books in future>

Slouchy Mon 04-Feb-08 21:10:41

Waiting for one of my children to start vomiting, knowing by their tummy complaints etc that it was on th e way (this is for real,m this evening)

Also being ALONE. For Ever. With only My Own Company (shudder)

Quattrocento Mon 04-Feb-08 21:11:20

You know, your second idea of hell is my personal idea of heaven

Califrau Mon 04-Feb-08 21:12:05

I am shock that you are all lucky enough to have reading matter (in spite of the content). My hell has no books and no toilet. It is of course over 100 degrees and the piper has never seen or heard of deodorant and has that "I just stubbed out a fag" smell

FrannyandZooey Mon 04-Feb-08 21:14:23

I would be in a butcher's van, with dead pig carcases hanging and swinging as we went round the corners. There would be a clown in the corner wearing full face paint and imitating me when my back was turned. The driver would have eaten garlic the night before and then applied strong perfume to try to mask it. The floor would be slick with the saliva from the driver's dog which would bark and leer at me from time to time. We would be driving to Disneyland.

I am not mentioning loofahs as I would start to gibber.

Sidge Mon 04-Feb-08 21:14:32

I would be in a hot, airless house with a floor writhing with worms.

I would be naked except for a G-string and hair that hasn't been washed for 3 days.

Mariah Carey's music would be on a loop and the only food available would be swede and mushrooms.

The 60inch widescreen TV would constantly show Jeremy Kyle and Eastenders and be on VERY VERY LOUD.


Tutter Mon 04-Feb-08 21:15:20

franny i am sorry honestly but i did lol at "imitating me when my back was turned"

FrannyandZooey Mon 04-Feb-08 21:17:04

I know

I feel I have just revealed FAR FAR too much about myself shock

Vulgar Mon 04-Feb-08 21:19:16

I am having to kiss Jeremy Clarkson. He has got splatters of cold congealed gravy around his mouth and Chris de Burgh is serenading us with "The Lady in Red".

Tutter Mon 04-Feb-08 21:20:15

i take it you have read IT

i don't really like to say his name but i'm sure he is the cause of much coulrophobia (i'm a bit the same)

Hassled Mon 04-Feb-08 21:27:48

It would be some combination of being way too cold, being late for something important, dogs and great heights.
Maybe while panicking about being late I wasted valuable time and concentration zipping a coat up and a dog chose that very moment to knock me over the sheer cliff face that happened to be next to me. This would all happen to a Radiohead soundtrack.

F&Z yours is the worst. it was driving to disneyland that clinched it.

GodzillasAbominableBumcheek Mon 04-Feb-08 21:31:05

My personal Hell would be me, on my own, looking after someone else's kids who are little horrors, having to cook for them (i am a rubbish cook and hate hate hate it), having to wipe their bums, and all the while i would have the cracking-est migraine going. And wouldn't know where my own kids were - which would be agonizing enough on it's own.


CaptainCod Mon 04-Feb-08 21:32:00

centre parcs

crapcook Mon 04-Feb-08 21:32:31

Snogging Rik Waller...on a bed with black satin sheets...and he has the runs.

DANCESwithaMuffinTop Mon 04-Feb-08 21:36:35

Being forced to eat big twiggy insects or king prawns...something crunchy in order to save dc (or some scenario when there was no other choice) then having to shag a big rubber bloke with the sort of sagging stomach you'd have to lift up to find...well god only knows what you'd find there. Following that, a walk into the playground naked.
Oh and UB40 would be playing in the background.

bundle Mon 04-Feb-08 21:38:55

bagpipes are right up there. and offal with lots of crutty people with sweaty armpits - oh I see cod has already put center parcs wink

Maidamess Mon 04-Feb-08 21:39:21

I have not been able to clean my teeth for days, and I am at a Geri Halliwell 'Woman Within' seminar. In the afternoon a man from London Zoo will encourage to have fun handling tropical frogs. Cliff Richard is duetting with Westlife over the tinny tannoy, and the boy behind me keps kicking the back of my seat.

I've come out in hives.

FrannyandZooey Mon 04-Feb-08 21:43:08

Tutter - NO - no WAY am I ever reading that
I have been told what it is about
mine is an entirely spontaneous and original phobia, not inspired by any work of fiction, but by the true and very real evil that is the painted freaks themselves

Bobbiewickham Mon 04-Feb-08 21:45:31

I'm on a plane.

I have a hangnail that keeps catching on some wet cotton wool.

The plane is full of drunk chavs who are just this side of scarily aggressive, ie it could kick off at any moment.

Joss Stone is playing on a loop.

The only available food is a reheated jacket potato with a chicken and sweetcorn 'deli filler' topping.

I am sitting next to John McCirick (sp?) and Jade Goody is sitting behind us. They are Not Getting On.

The only available entertainment is a sudoku puzzle and the only available reading matter is a copy of Tatler.

There is a rat running up and down the gangway of the plane. It really likes chicken and sweetcorn deli filler.

And we have just hit turbulence.

crapcook Mon 04-Feb-08 21:45:39

well thought out maidamess

For some reason absolutely rofling to the point of stomach ache at "pockets full of loose jam"

Maidamess Mon 04-Feb-08 21:49:53

Thanks crapcook. When I read mine back, I actually feel sick.

LittleMy34 Mon 04-Feb-08 21:54:27

Me too on the 'loose jam' - such a wonderful/awful image!


northstar Mon 04-Feb-08 22:02:40

I would be rushing back to my car (with zero minutes left to collect dd from playschool 7 miles away) with a big bag of straw (for the rabbit and all the baby rabbits that arrived unexpectedly and no-one wants) on a really windy day.
The lock wouldn't unlock and the car just wouldn't open. The opener thingy will not work anymore and the car just won't drive..
No, wait, that's this morning...

Klaw Mon 04-Feb-08 22:45:51

I'd have to go back to recurrent nightmares I had as a child.

Need to go to the toilet but the toilet block has many toilets and the cubicles are about 3 ft high so you can see everyone,

or rather they can see you shockblush and it's communal [gulp]

I'm perfectly happy to pee in front of dp, dd, even mum or sis, and have been known to pee in front of close female friends

BUT to have no privacy in a public loo <<shudders>>

Twiglett Mon 04-Feb-08 22:46:42

I think mine might be watching OP in hers tbh

Klaw Mon 04-Feb-08 22:52:40

... or sitting on a long haul flight with my mother complaining, I cannot sleep on planes and cannot get comfortable (never gone first class)

A really smelly, noisy person would be in close vicinity and they keep interrupting the fecking film so I can't even enjoy some distraction.... usually you don't get to see the end of it

I refuse to go on holiday with my mother ever again

Califrau Mon 04-Feb-08 22:54:37

it does not make my hell anymore comforting knowing that you are seeing me nekkid Twig

hennipenni Mon 04-Feb-08 23:08:39

Sitting in my living room, with an Ofsted inspector doing my inspection whislt three (usually very well behaved) mindees decide that they are all going to playup and test my crowd control skills positive behaviour management.

MegBusset Mon 04-Feb-08 23:23:18

I would be at a really, really crowded concert on a very hot day. The line-up would include Snow Patrol, James Blunt, Athlete and a special three-hour set from the Cranberries. All the crowd would be steamingly drunk, though I would be stone cold sober. I would desperately need a wee but there would be no toilets. The only food available would be chicken nuggets and celery. Halfway through James Blunt's third rendition of 'You're Beautiful', it would start raining spiders. And I would have a migraine.

Califrau Tue 05-Feb-08 00:25:09

hell for the people of the night.

AuntyThesis Tue 05-Feb-08 00:31:02

being at a M&T group with twins whilst the smiths and red hot chilis played. and ham sandwiches were served and i was wearing a mini skirt with underpants on and everyone could see them as i bent over to stop some kid from biting my kids. just then i fart loudly and a pair of of white granny knickers fall onto the floor, mortified i pee just a little bitand it drips onto off white knickers. the twins both shit themselves and i try to change them becuase everyone thinks i am a bad mum. all the babies are crying and all the mums are judging and the music is very loud when dt2 pissed in my face and shit ends up on the white carpet.

then my MIL walks in and does everything perfect whilst criticising me in a way that doesnt get noticed by dh who is there but not helping.

madamez Tue 05-Feb-08 00:31:48

I am laughing too much to think mine out properly but... I would have violent diarrhoea but no access to a toilet, and across a spider-infested pit would be able to see that DS was being looked afte by Clair Verity.

MrsJohnCusack Tue 05-Feb-08 07:09:02

ah what a lovely coincidence that madamez posted as my personal hell would be that I was locked in a room with loads of moths and daddy long legs, with Russel Brand forcing me to morris dance, surrounded by morris dancers.

Also someone would be forcing me to eat seafood, and suck James Blunt's toes

And I would constantly be jerked awake from a deep sleep at 2.30 every morning - oh hang on, that's happening most nights anyway....

FrannyandZooey Tue 05-Feb-08 08:14:07

big laugh for Clare Verity

posieflump Tue 05-Feb-08 08:20:36

On holiday in a very hot foreign country with 12 'mates' where the toilet is a hole in the ground , there is no air conditioning and we have no money to go out and enjoy ourselves.

littlelapin Tue 05-Feb-08 08:34:44

It would be hot and very humid, with high winds and no elastic bands or any other means of keeping my hair out of my eyes <grinds teeth>. I would be pushing a buggy that made a quiet but persistent "click click click" noise and had a wonky front wheel. There would be a child in it, whinging at the pitch that only toddlers can achieve.

There would be crowds, not looking where they were going, stopping dead at the bottom of escalators and outside shop doors. Many of them would be soap-dodgers or unacquainted with deoderant. My handbag strap would continually slide off my shoulder. My too-tight shoes would be rubbing at the back of my heel. I would have that constant feeling of wanting to sneeze, but being unable to.

The soundtrack would be Jeremy Vine being interrupted by John Humphreys, with thrash metal in the background. And it would all smell of stinking nappies.

Twiglett Tue 05-Feb-08 09:50:37

ROFL at my presence making hell worse Cali grin .. well thanks a bunch matey grin

(see what you mean though)

AdamAnt Tue 05-Feb-08 09:54:41

I'd be wearing a poloneck made of itchy man-made fibres while pushing a wonky trolley through a very hot shop. Everything I touch would give me a static shock. I would only be allowed to eat wool.

DaDaDa Tue 05-Feb-08 10:00:43

Stuck in a tunnel on the Victoria Line on a summer day, it's crowded and the person beside me is clicking together/filing their fingernails and Dancing In The Moonlight by Toploader is on repeat play over their mobile phone speaker.

Vulgar Tue 05-Feb-08 13:05:13

am loving that most of these are so . . .specific grin

MrsMattie Tue 05-Feb-08 13:11:50

PMSL@DaDaDa - very close to my idea of hell, especially the Toploader song

expatinscotland Tue 05-Feb-08 13:13:55

I've already lived in it.

A pitiful council estate with a downstairs neighbour who liked to get drunk and sing karoke to Neil Diamond and John Denver songs.

janestillhere Tue 05-Feb-08 13:30:02

I would have to run my tongue over a wooden ice lolly stick whilst stood in snow wearing jeans that are wet up to my knees.
My collar smells of baby barf and I am late for a job interview.
My scrunchie is nowhere to be found and then my teeth start to crumble whilst I am talking.
Then I accidently fart and follow through sad

DANCESwithaMuffinTop Tue 05-Feb-08 13:34:07

OH GAWD...Janestillhere my teeth falling out is part of mine too and the licking of a wet lolly stick (I struggle holding those wooden stirry things in starbucks <shudder>)

Califrau Tue 05-Feb-08 18:21:13

toothache would add a certain je ne sais quoi to mine too - maybe loose fillings and sensitive teeth

donnie Tue 05-Feb-08 18:26:19

oh dear God I love this thread!!!

donnie Tue 05-Feb-08 18:29:45

can't really get my head around the thing but I do know that my own persoanl hell involves bananas, play stations , jordan and the people who go on the jeremy kyle show. Oh and steps records...bleurgh!

donnie Tue 05-Feb-08 18:32:56

and peter ' that's not fake tan' stringfellow.

Oh these are just so funny.

F&Z,I don't agree with you about much,but do agree about clowns.They are profoundly evil.

snice Tue 05-Feb-08 22:12:07

I am travelling by bus through a non specific South American country with diarrhoea. I am squashed onto the back seat between Paris Hilton who is making a hilarious "slumming it" documentary and Jim Davidson who is trying out his new ethnic material. We have cold tripe and onions to eat using wooden chip forks. There is no rest stop for another 300 miles and I have lost my contact lenses. The bus driver has a very small transistor radio balanced on the dashboard which he tries to tune in as we hurtle round blind bends-he has found a station which is playing the Mini-Pops. I have no toilet paper.

madamez Tue 05-Feb-08 23:03:39

Actually <gibber> it's being trapped in a room full of polystyrene chips, which are gradually increasing in number and about to suffocate me. My hands are tied so I have to <yelp> chew my way out... oh, the horror, I need another drink now.

hecate Wed 06-Feb-08 17:26:03

I was thinking about this and realised there would be another bit to mine...

As well as it being an eternal caravan holiday with Itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini playing on a loop, only tofu to eat, pouring with rain, me stuck in the van with Richard Madeley, Jeremy Clarkson and Dean Gaffney - who want to play strip poker....I'd have...

The WORST, ahem, intimate itch that I was DESPERATE to scratch, but I'd be unable to sneak away to do it.

Oh, and they'd be farting and the windows would be sealed shut.

This is getting worse by the second.

UnquietDad Wed 06-Feb-08 17:28:40

Endless rap/hiphop/bhangra music on a tape loop. Dogs everywhere, salivating and defecating. Reality TV and soaps on all channels. No books. Apart from Jordan type stuff. A cold swimming-pool in which everyone is forced to "enjoy" themselves.

Mind you, though, Heaven would be full of smug Christians. Do I really want to go there? wink

Vulgar Thu 07-Feb-08 21:59:51

I've just remembered that David Dickenson would also be in my nightmare.

i'm sure I don't have to explain why.

I am on Jeremy Kyle where my husband has taken me to inform me that he has been enjoying 3 somes with my sister and best friend and both of them are now pregnant despite him telling me for years he couldn’t have children.

It is then revealed that this has all been a huge Jeremy Beadle style ‘joke’ and actually everyone I have ever me in my entire life is there to celebrate my birthday.

No-one has brought a present.

There is however a large, dry, supermarket cake and a 4 pack of warm own brand lager that we all have to share with no glasses.

To top it all off, I need to pluck my eyebrows.

Reamhar Sat 09-Feb-08 22:31:43

Being struck suddenly mute on the day that my high-maintenance MIL asks to live with us, and my DH says "yes".

Oh, and standing in a bucket of dead fish whilst it's happening would pretty much cover it for me. grin

kama Sat 09-Feb-08 22:35:13

Message withdrawn

Mum1369 Sat 09-Feb-08 22:40:20

Ikea - say no more

Koshka Mon 11-Feb-08 12:42:49

A small room with no fresh air
Nothing to read
ONly a continual track of people telling me how I have dissapointed them for my whole life.
No DS to cuddle
No food except tomatoes and olives.
Being forced to smell coffee
Being forced to to my times tables over and over again and not letting me go to the toilet until i got it right so i pee myself (that happened at primary school)

No DS to cuddle!

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