Being taken advantage of by family at Christmas

[Mog]

Well somebody had to start the Christmas whinge! Pre-children I raced around the country trying to see two seperated parents and sister. Now that I have children and want to stay more in one place over Christmas sister is not prepared to put herself out (she's single with no children) so that we can all see each other. I really want to know, not a solution to this, but how people cope with feeling annoyed about things like this and also the sense of injustice.

[Lindy]

Moq - don't get annoyed about this; you have invited your sister to join you, she has chosen not to accept your invitation & that is her perogative (perhaps she doesn't relish the thought of spending Christmas with young children, no offence meant, but my young, single brother much prefers to spend Christmas alone with his trendy single friends than 'en famille' with us).

Last Christmas we drove over 3000 miles trying to fit all our relatives in (first Christmas with our baby) & ended up exhausted, and still didn't see everyone. This year we are staying at home, just ourselves. It has taken me nearly 45 years to realise that you do not HAVE to see all (or any) relations at Christmas - in fact my elderly parents have admitted that travelling at this time of year is very difficult & stressful and they would much rather visit us at a different time of year when everything is not so busy and frantic.

Enjoy your Christmas!

[Mog]

Lindy, thanks for message. My sister is coming to us for a few days at Christmas but it is more that she won't put herself out to make sure my two parents (who are divorced) don't feel left out. We did the same as you last year in that we drove all over the country with dd the week before Christmas and were completely exhausted. I'm heavily pregnant with no 2 this year so we're definitely not doing that again.
I didn't really want to get into specifics but wondered more how people who are perhaps the "bringer together" in their family cope when they want someone else to take over for a while and the resentment when no-one does!

[musica]

Mog - we've been feeling a bit put out too - for a totally petty reason - the last few christmases we've hosted dh's entire family, which has been really hard work, but great fun! Then this year, they suddenly all announced that they were too busy/couldn't travel etc. We can't go anywhere at Christmas as we have commitments on Christmas day, so we've been feeling ever so slightly miffed.

Petty or what! (Me not you!)

[aloha]

Mog, it clearly means much more to you to bring everyone together than it does to your sister. It's difficult to put this without sounding critical, which I don't mean to be, but I don't actually think she has any duty to 'stand in' for you. Your parents are both adults and can cope - if they want to see you they know where you'll be, presumably. As you say, last year when you drove all over you were exhausted. I can see why she doesn't want to the same. She obviously wants just to relax and enjoy the company of you and your family. I think that sounds perfect. You truly don't have to take responsibility for other people. Just enjoy your Christmas without any guilt! My dh and I are staying at home this year. We won't see any of his family (oop North) over Christmas as we want to stay put and relax after a hectic year. They can all see each other and have friends and family and will be fine! I expect we'll pay a visit in the New Year when all the frantic madness is over.

[Marina]

Mog, I do sympathise. Are you the elder? Cut yourself some elder sister slack, if so. Sometimes you just have to accept that not everyone in your family sees your efforts to provide Christmas together in the same light as you do. But, if you're like me, from early days you have been the Ambassador from Offspring at the Court of Parent, and find it hard to switch off that function - or feel grateful when you get your P45. I know the feeling of resentment and find the best thing to do is to rave quietly to an understanding friend - or post on Mumsnet.

[Mog]

Thank you, thank you Marina! You've hit the nail on the head. I am the elder and for years have been the go-between for everybody and it is very difficult to switch off from this and not keep thinking is everyone happy with what's going on. I thought mumsnet might be a good sounding off ground as there is always someone who 'knows what it's like'.

[SueDonim]

Definitely chill out, Mog, and let this problem go by. I'm also the one who does the running about but when, for whatever reason it's gone pear-shaped, the world hasn't stopped turning. Enjoy your Christmas!

[Lindy]

Yes Mog, I see now what you are getting at, I do agree as for years I was probably like you (also the eldest) until one of my brothers told me (very tactfully!) that I was a bossy old C** and everyone else was quite capable of organising what they wanted to do themselves!

Hope you are feeling OK about the arrangements now.