Help!! Nephews behaviour is driving me nuts

[daisydaisy0789]

Hello Mumsnet, I'm not sure where to post this as I made this account just to post this and get help.
I babysit my sister's 4 and 6 year old sons almost every other day for about 4 hours a time. I can't say
no to babysitting him because I know it helps my sister a lot whilst she's working and she doesn't want to hire anyone else (She is picky but thats understandable I suppose)

The four year old's behaviour is becoming very distressing for me and his
6 year old brother who I also babysit. The 6 year old often gets upset
over his younger brother's tantrums as they are quite violent and physical such as hitting whoever he can, throwing things and shouting 'I hate you' to me and his brother.

Firstly, He not like chewing his food. He strops if you give him food that requires him to chew more than a little bit. He screams the house down if you refuse to spoon feed him. Ive asked my sister what the issue is with that, she just shrugs it off as laziness as she is used to spoon feeding him and wont sort of push him to try feeding himself as its less hassle.

He does NOT like using the toilet. He poops his underwear and then you have to literally pick him up and do the rest for him... Most of the time he just shouts 'Ive pooped myself, clean it up'...

After dinner we do painting, drawing, or playing with sand or something.
But recently he wants to play shooting games. My sister lets him play the
violent video games at her house, and because hes in a routine at his where after dinner he plays that game, He sulks and throws a HUGE tantrum if I say no to playing those sort of games!! Once again my sister shrugs it off. His behaviour isnt bad just when I babysit him, He's like this ALL the time. Everywhere. What do I do, and what do you think is causing him to act like this? Thank you!

[HereIAm20]

I am sorry to be harsh but your sister is causing this behaviour.

She has failed to set boundaries and gives in to his tantrums and thus he carries on using them as a tool to get his own way.

She is being lazy in failing to potty train him and also in failing to make him learn to feed himself as it is quicker for her to continue to feed him.

I really feel for you in your situation as you are trying to be a good sister to her by looking after her kids. Is she paying you? I suspect the reason she uses you for childcare is nothing at all to do with her being picky but that she knows a childminder would not put up with a 4 year old that still poops his pants and then demands to be cleaned up without the parent having made attempts and continuing to make attempts to sort this out.

Why would she let a 4 year old play violent games? (Does the 6 year old?) Again personally I think this is a sign that whatever makes it easy for her - ie. he wants to play. However, the fact that he is acting violently towards you/his brother shows that possibly this is having a negative effect on his behaviour.

You have choices:

(1) you stop babysitting and tell her why, saying you are prepared to restart once she has solved his issues.

(2) You attempt to solve these issues by making it clear to him that this is unacceptable behaviour in your house and attempt to potty train/make him feed himself but tell your sister this is what you are doing and if it doesn't work you will stop babysitting.

(3) You have a full and frank discussion with your sister about how you are prepared to have them provided she starts training and that you will back this up at your house but that things cannot go on as they are long term.

As an aside does she pay you and do you have your own children?