How do other people work out holiday access for fathers in divorced parents?

[Winckle123]

Hello, my x husband left myself and my son just after his first birthday, and is now marrying the person he had an affair with.my child is now 3 and We managed eventually to settle on his access out of court, and he sees him every other weekend and one night in the week. This year my son has done a couple of longer stays 5 days, he says he is fine when he is there, put he would say that even if he wasn't , and when he comes back he is like a different child and takes ages to settle back into his normal self. We have no agreement in place about holidays, could anyone offer me advise on how they work holiday time? What is a normal set up, if we went to court what would be the most likely outcome? He hasn't taken him abroad yet and wants to at Christmas,and next summer, I really don't feel happy about that at all, do I have any choice in that? Please help, he is very threatening about getting what he wants all I want is the best thing for my son, he puts himself before his son in every decision he makes, and I don't have funds to argue in a court with solicitors.

[ClashCityRocker]

My DB's access arrangements are eow and a night in the week, two weeks summer, 1 week Xmas (although usually five days is more practical for all involved and 1 week Easter, that was through court.

DH's access arrangements are similar officially - But it's much more informal and sometimes DSS will just rock up of his own accord.

[Artandco]

I think you need to do what's best for your son, which tbf is probably allowing more access so that he is happy spending several days at a time with him.

I would start by agreeing to say 4 weeks a year he can have him for a week at a time. He can choose what to do with him during that time. I would say he can have one Xmas and you have the Easter that year, then next Xmas you have and he gets Easter for example.

Also if you work/ planning to once your son starts school it will be helpful if your son is used to a few weeks a year as this will really help you with school holiday cover.

So I would start with say 4 weeks ( roughly 1 week every 3 months), and say that after say 1 year/ 18 months you can review as he grows/ what would work best as time passes.

[MissWimpyDimple]

Mine had a similar arrangement. And I completely here you about coming back "a different child", but that does settle down eventually. DD is now 7 and it's only in the last few years that I would say she has really "got the hang of" having two homes.
I was very very careful about prolonged periods away from me as she struggled with it, but at 3 or 4 i think you have to accept it.
As long as there is no flight risk, I suppose you have to let him take your son abroad.
Believe me I know how hideous the thought is of them all playing "happy families". But at least your XH is including your son.

[MissWimpyDimple]

"Hear" not "here"!

[WakeyCakey45]

when he comes back he is like a different child and takes ages to settle back into his normal self.

This isn't unusual and not really anything to worry about. DCs very quickly develop "different personalities" in different settings - and it can take a while for them to adjust between homes.
You'd probably experience something similar if your DSS spent a few days staying with relatives or friends, and once he begins to spend time at nursery and school, you'll often wonder if you've brought someone else's DC home!
They can be angry, withdrawn, hyper, emotional - and there's no real corrolation between how they are in one place and how they react when they get home, it's just a reaction to the transition, which they need time to adapt to.