recipes fr cassole(54 Posts)
This is a support thread for people in AS/NT relationships: these are our tentative recipes for success. If you are looking for something else, please look elsewhere.
"Do you ladies get a complete rundown of anything and everything your DH has done if he does any everyday housework around the house, with the expectation of an individual acknowledgement and often inspection of each task? God help me if I don't notice this off my own bat, and he has to point out the fact that he has, for instace, hoovered the hall and stairs. I have often have him say "well, haven't you noticed anything different?", and I frantically look about to see what task has been done.
Of course, he doesn't acknowledge the fact that I usually do those chores day in , day out, without any expectation of a well done??"
"Re feeling so trapped at the moment. I have felt that so keenly myself, with nowhere to go, nowhere to turn to. Hopeless. No words of wisdom I'm afraid, although I suppose I have always tried to find the strength in myself to practice "loving kindness", the Buddhist approach to forgiveness and selflessness, when I find myself in that dark, dead end place. It takes a tremendous strength of spirit to be able to see clearly to do that when one has been constantly ground down and belittled but it involves taking a step out of ones personal head space as it were, and it is a way to shed light and open up a way for positivity to enter in."
�It IS harder with a partner because our expectations are very different. With children, we expect to help and support them. We expect that they will need some help, aren't independent, they don't always understand. That's our role to help them and ensure that they have the best support possible and the best start possible.
And we also have the hope that they will 'grow out of it' or rather that they will grow and learn and won't need our support anymore.
With a partner, we expect equal input. We expect independence and then taking others into account. We expect a partnership, not to live side by side. And more importantly, we expect that our partner will evolve/change with time but not that they still need teaching.
Problem is, when AS isn't diagnosed and an adult has grown with little input as to how to behave/what to look for etc... to give them some understanding, they still have a lot of learning to do.
And we also know that there is little leeway for improvement.�
�I do think that we should, we can, ask them to have some sense of self control. No they might not able to always understand what's going round them, they might be baffled by our reactions but AS isn't a free pass to not control themselves.
There is a lot you can do to calm down. Counting slowly in your head until your breathing has slowed down is one. Just concentrating on your breathing and counting the breaths. Going out for a walk (dc goes on his bike, even if it's just 10 mins and cycle round like a mad man). Isolate yourself. Ask people to stop talking to you whilst you get control of your emotions.�
�I am not sure if there is a neat, convenient distinction between someone who is doing violence as an 'abuser/controller' and a person who does violence out of 'desperation/despair.' I'd say that my father was likely to have suffered from undiagnosed/unacknowledged (by himself) depression - as many people here say their Spouses do. But in an attempt to limit his own stresses he controlled other people in the house, his home environment. (Meals must be at a certain time. People must not speak very often. They must not challenge him.)
But if those rules weren't kept, he would hit out. You could argue it was simply 'a meltdown.' But surely it was also a further attempt to gain control. After all people don't usually like being hit. They will probably try - at least in the short term - to modify their behaviour so the hitting won't happen again.
And it may be that because some partners are so aware of the desperation and despair - and believe that if they can do something to alleivate that all will be well/better - they are not focusing on the abusing/controlling aspects of the relationship.�
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