**Please don't read this if you're easily upset by the idea of abortion/termination, or ob/gyn trauma
apologies in advance for length, don't want to drip feed
It was really difficult to decide where to post this. can't put it in infertility or conception for fear of upsetting people, can't put it in pg loss because it covers infertility... hope this is ok.
DH and I have just started TTC. It's exciting, we're ready for it emotionally and financially, no worries there.
When i was a teenager 10+ years ago, I was forced by my family to have an abortion. it was incredibly traumatic not least because it was performed without anaesthetic (i grew up outside the UK). after i left my family and started life on my own, i had a lot of therapy and it's behind me now. I am still extremely sad about it, but accept now that i was innocent in the situation, and the baby is in a better place, whatever that place may be iyswim.
it was a d&c-type abortion. I was given medication that opened my cervix and then the Dr performed a D&C with a sharp instrument (not vacuum extraction).
(**This is the upsetting part, please don't read if easily upset)
When I was on the table initially, i was being held down across the shoulders/chest. I was moving my pelvis trying to get away from the Dr's hands. The Dr told me to lie still, and if i didn't he might cut me and I would be made infertile. out of fear of what might happen and having realised this baby was not going to have a chance, i lay still for the rest of the procedure.
During recovery i bled for slightly longer than normal iirc, but had no infection etc. Since that time i've been on the pill. when went off it for six months a few years ago, and had normal clockwork periods, just as before the pg. I've just stopped the pill again last week so obvy no natural period yet.
THe problem is I am terrified that this doctor scarred me as he said he would. I now know about Asherman's syndrome (adhesions caused by D&C, leading to infertility) and I am so afraid. I'm probably more afraid of how angry and desolate i will feel if it turns out i can't have children & that terrible memory is all i will ever have, with no baby of my own to hold.
it's very hard to talk about this because a) it involves abortion and ppl don't like to hear about that, b) it's horrific and ppl don't want to believe it happened to me. I am even afraid to tell my current Dr what happened, and to ask his advice, because he may not believe me. MN seems like the only place I can ask.
AIBU to be deathly afraid that i may never get pregnant again, or carry a baby to term? and what on earth do I do to keep going through the fear?
i have told my therapist what happened. She is lovely, and she tries to help me...she actually specializes in infertility counselling (i didnt choose her for that reason, only found out after i started going), but she's from a different world and i know she just can't understand what i've been through. DH furious with my parents (has been since I told him, it was not his baby that was terminated btw) but there is always that touch of helplessness... he can't go back in time and save me, there's nothing he can do. he tries to support me, but there's only so much crying I can do before I put him into a place of stress and worry. which is not going to help TTC.
Also: In the meantime i'm doing whatever i can to gather info about my fertility (temping, charting, OPKs) so that if we have no luck TTC after a year, I can go to the OB with a full complement of info and will be able to push for immediate investigation. If anyone has suggestions about what else i can do, please do let me know.
Other subjects
to be sh!tting myself after a traumatic termination experience
oikopolis · 29/11/2011 17:53
I am
to read your story-how horrible for you to go through that.
I also dont want to upset you but I have my own story-I also had a termination a long time ago. Like you I was under immense pressure from my family and eventually gave in.
I had mine at a local nhs hospital. All seemed fine-no complications apart from very heavy bleeding post op.
However I lost my first son at 24 weeks 8 years later. I was diagnosed with an incompetent cervix. Doctors say it is unlikely that the termination causes this but they cannot rule it out 100%-so obviously I now have to carry that guilt as well as the guilt re the termination.
Not saying this to make you feel worse-though I know it may sound bleak-but just to advise you.
If I were you I think I would go and see your gp asap. Tell him the full story of your termination. You may be able to have investigations now to determine if there were any long lasting effects eg adhesions,cervical problems etc. I think many of these can be ruled out by a simple scan.
I am absolutely sure that you will be fine-and I hope that you concieve very soon.
All the best.
I really think you should talk to your GP about it, keep the history as factual and emotion free as you can (easier said than done, I know) I don't see any reason why he wouldn't believe you. He can then either reassure you or send you for tests which may help you to find an answer, either way you have nothing to lose. Best of luck! 
So sorry for what you've been through . If you're worried you could have an HSG test (they put dye into your womb and tubes to show up any scarring), think they cost about £500 privately, although it is quite invasive and can be painful so may be upsetting for you.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.