1. Put on your favourite tv programme, then turn it off just before you get to the end. 2. Spend a long time cooking a delicious meal, then throw the whole lot in the bin. 3. Spend several hours a day with your shirt unbuttoned and a clothes peg attached to your nipple. Try answering the door this way and signing for a parcel delivery. 4. Sprinkle your home liberally with toys, paper, pens, cushions, shoes, clothes, books and crumbs. Remember to do this just before bedtime when you are at your most tired. Spill a few drinks on the carpet and add some felt tip pen marks just for fun. 5. Set your alarm to wake you up every two or three hours. 6. Put on your best clothes and dab with yoghurt and ketchup. Be sure to do this just before you go out so there is no time to change. Congratulations, you should now be beginning to feel something of what it is like to be a parent!