Fucking sick of the "race" to have number 2

(30 Posts)
LoveYouForeverMyBaby Mon 12-Nov-12 13:23:06

Have dc already and we will be ttc number 2 in dec. no one in rl knows bar us.

Most of my other mum friends, nct group, work colleagues, neighbours who have 1 are ttc number 2 and a lot of them have made it into this stupid race.

I want no part of it.

Am sick of the smug comments of "oh am so relieved I've got pg with number 2 so easily.....so glad I will have the optimum age age....so glad I won't be an old mum"

When did parenting, pregnancy etc be a competitive sport!

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Mon 12-Nov-12 13:23:37

Should read age gap.

PPPop Mon 12-Nov-12 13:26:09

I never had comments like that confused. You sound a little sensitive, or else you need new friends grin

Pooka Mon 12-Nov-12 13:27:22

I also never heard comments like that!

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Mon 12-Nov-12 13:32:26

That's nice neither of you heard comments like that. I have.

megandraper Mon 12-Nov-12 13:34:15

You know a lot of people at the same stage as you! The only ones I knew really were my NCT group. After one mum got pg with no. 2 the rest of us all got really broody - but we did it in our own time - some of us very soon afterwards, one a couple of years later and one, sadly, had recurrent miscarriages and hasn't.

I think everyone has their own idea of what the 'perfect' age gap is, and what an 'old mum' is (I was 40 when I had DC3 and didn't consider myself old). Are you feeling a bit sensitive? You might be hearing their comments as digs when actually they are just self-absorbed.

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Mon 12-Nov-12 13:43:44

Thank you bedhopper not feeling particularly sensitive, think we are very lucky to have a healthy baby already and ttc next month, just ever since dc turned 1 it's like the grace period to have 1 child ended and lots of people have been making comments about trying for number 2.

Just want to do it in my own time and fed up of the questions and smugness from those who are pg number 2 already. Certain people in my life have certainly made it feel like a race.

Lovely tht most(all) of you who have posted on here haven't experienced this. I have and was just having a rant.

Anyway, thanks for listening.

tiddleypompom Mon 12-Nov-12 14:02:15

Could perceived smugness be simply self-absorbed happiness? Questions just curiousity & again, assuming everyone feels like them? Vaguely irritating on a bad day perhaps but you do sound a little cross about it. Just paste on a smile & congratulate. It may be you next month anyway.

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Mon 12-Nov-12 14:08:16

Maybe...thank you tiddleypompom

tiddleypompom Mon 12-Nov-12 14:22:49

There are smug & competitive parents in their masses out there of course, you need the skin of a rhino & an ability to spot them a mile off & avoid in order to survive. Apparently grin

Good luck with the ttc-ing - keep it quiet in RL or you'll get sympathetic faces after the first month...

Bearandcub Mon 12-Nov-12 14:24:25

Ignore ignore ignore, they're twats.

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Mon 12-Nov-12 16:07:09

Thank you tiddley and couldnt agree more about keeping the ttc to ourselves in rl. bear thank you, I right I need to learn to ignore.

megandraper Tue 13-Nov-12 09:07:17

Oh God, worried now that I was one of these self-absorbed smuggers. Still, if I was, the laugh is on the other side now. After 3 kids in 4 years and not one unbroken night's sleep, I am a bit of a wreck. Anyone I irritated probably just pities me now grin

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Tue 13-Nov-12 21:19:25

I don't think you are bedhopper you sound considerate and like a nice person.....I guess I'm referring to a few people who generally have made nasty comments to me previously and have continued this now they are on number 2 (knowing that one day we would like to have a second). Most mums I me are actually really supportive smile

differentnameforthis Tue 13-Nov-12 23:23:54

Why do that? Op has come on here & complained about something she is finding difficult. Why tell her that you haven't experienced it (therefore suggesting maybe it doesn't happen) instead of just trying to reassure a new mum? She doesn't sound to sensitive at all (and even if she did, what is wrong with that? she is a new mum after all). It's called Empathy!

OP, don't pay attention. There is NO optimum age gap. I have 2, they are 4 & 9 & I LOVE their age gap. The oldest is capable of helping her sister when she needs it, she can do a lot of stuff on her own which takes the pressure off me if (my rather temperamental) 4yr needs a little one on one time.

When dd2 was a baby, dd1 was able to occupy herself while I fed etc. She would also happily sit & play while I dozed on the sofa while pregnant. I didn't have 2 lots of nappies to change, or 2 lots of milk/baby food to sort out, I didn't need a double buggy or buggy & reins combo because dd1 was old enough to understand that she needed to stay with me/hold onto the buggy.

I wasn't stressed/tired because of running around after a toddler & baby & my sleep doesn't suffer because I don't have 2 toddlers getting up every night. I also love that I got to spend a few years with dd1 (am a SAHM) and now get spend that time with dd2 while dd1 is at school.

People find advantages in every situation/age gap. Personally my gap had to be big. I couldn't care whether I am an older mum or not, motherhood doesn't change the older or younger you are.

Musomathsci Tue 13-Nov-12 23:31:48

I brought DC2 to the joint 1st birthday party for my postnatal group for DC1 and was acutely aware of the different situations of my friends there. Quite a few were already pg, one or two had already had mc, and it was a bittersweet occasion in many ways.
People can be amazingly crass and insensitive around issues to do with pregnancy, childbirth, parenting, and I'm afraid you will come across it time and time again. It can feel like open season, with friends, family and even complete strangers offering unsolicited advice or asking intrusive questions. Ask yourself if you really want to spend another minute with people who upset you like that? Move on, stick with your real friends, and enjoy your secret!!

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Wed 14-Nov-12 06:30:50

Thank you so much differentname, I just needed to vent and I guess here some reassurance about the age gap thing...i have so many friends in rl but sometimes its hard to talk about your fears and worries...thank you for the supportive post. Much appreciated.

differentnameforthis Wed 14-Nov-12 06:35:29

Not a problem. I constantly had friends & a couple of relatives asking me (after dd1) when we were going to try again & no one seemed to understand that I would do it when we were ready.

Just smile sweetly & ignore, or come up with a clever quip to shoot them down! smile

Have a good day!

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Wed 14-Nov-12 06:36:19

Thank you muso you're right, I've decieded to spend less time with people that make me feel this way.

Fairylea Wed 14-Nov-12 06:37:27

Don't go to baby groups. smile solves everything ... !

I am 32. I have a 5 month old ds and a dd aged 9 years and I am incredibly anti social in real life. I just do whatever I want and never have to justify or have conversations about it with anyone else. smile

LoveYouForeverMyBaby Wed 14-Nov-12 06:40:27

Think you've got a good point there fairy!

lolalotta Fri 16-Nov-12 06:49:29

Thank you DifferentNameForThis, I found your post really comforting, we have a nearly 3 year old DD and are having trouble TTC no 2!
OP, in my group some of my friends ate thinking about TTC no 3 now and we are still only trying for no2! I try and let it not bother me, I know my really close friends don't judge and they are who I care about!

BikeRunSki Fri 16-Nov-12 09:37:38

What optimum age gap? If you have more than about 2 and a half years, then you won't have two in nappies at once. Then you can be smug! I hope ttc goes well for you.

Arcadia Fri 16-Nov-12 21:19:39

I don't think two years is optimum
From what I can see from friends and others it means sleep deprivation, two lots of nappies, tantrums coinciding with arrival of newborn, jealousy intensified by toddlers irrationality, and when older not necessarily closer. My sister and I are two years apart and were really competitive, in some ways am closer to my brother who is seven years younger
It is really hard but try not to feel pressured, they must be pretty insecure to be competitive about something so personal

differentnameforthis Fri 16-Nov-12 22:10:17

lolalotta You're welcome & good luck!

philbee Thu 22-Nov-12 21:02:19

I also found your post reassuring differentnameforthis. DD is 4 now and I'm 20 weeks pg but only after mc and trying for a year afterwards.

OP, there are always going to be idiots banging on about their situation being best, they do it about feeding, working, childcare, age gaps, bike seats, anything! I think often that comes from defensiveness. But there will also be people, like us, who have problems and take longer, or decide to stop at one, or can't have a second. Those people gradually emerge and it is a comfort when you realise they're there too. Don't let the others get to you.

differentnameforthis Fri 23-Nov-12 09:34:27

philbee I am glad that you found it reassuring. Good luck!

sarah341 Tue 27-Nov-12 08:01:34

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

BuckyMummy Mon 17-Dec-12 15:27:11

I know exactly what you mean LoveYouForeverMyBaby, I am experiencing a similar thing with some of my friends, the difference is i'm not ttc. I am getting sick of listening to that conversation though!

I think it is because some women just have to make everything into a competition/tell everyone how amazing they are! "I got pregnant EXACTLY when we planned both times..." etc. It's just boasting. Ignore them, good luck getting pregnant, laugh them off and don't get dragged in!

I second avoiding baby groups, and Facebook. I have been trying to have a second child for two years now. Every single person I met when DD was a baby has now had another, no bother at all, I have just had repeated later losses and complications. I became so sick of the comments or pitying looks that I just stopped seeing any of these people, the final straw was somebody asking if I'd given up TTC because the age gap would now be too big. I am finally pregnant again but terrified of yet another loss. I fully admit I am massively jealous of the ease with which they all 'completed' their families and I'm afraid they do often appear smug to me, but I accept I'm bitter and also try to take comfort from having been able to spend lots of time with DD.

WRT only children, my DD has cousins around her age whom she adores and I like to think we strike a balance between her spending weekends with them and learning to socialise but also having lots of individual time with me or her dad. I have siblings I am close to and would like that for her whereas DH has siblings he has almost no contact with so he doesn't really think it's a loss.

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