Having a second child ‘for a break’!?

(39 Posts)
stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 21:23:03

Sounds mad, doesn?t it?

BUT I am actually considering having another DC to alleviate the intensity of having an only.

For background, I have one 3.8 YO DD. Beginnings were tough and I am approaching 40, so from her birth both I and DH have been slowly making the decision that we are happy with the one. It?s not a firm decision yet, but we are almost there.

Now, my DD is a lovely child, and I am sure many people think of her as a easy child. However, I would describe her as emotionally intense, from day one. She is also extremely inquisitive and chatty, and frankly she wears me out mentally! So much so that I am considering having a second one to take some of the pressure off!

Anybody here ever feels like this? Anyone actually had another for similar reasons, after thinking you wouldn?t? Is this a typical stage in a 3 YO which will pass? SOON?? Or rather, is it a sign of things to come forever (which I am not sure I am best suited to)?

ChoccyJules Fri 31-Aug-12 21:30:05

Um, are you me?

Waiting to see whether folk think this is a phase as you asked....

vvviola Fri 31-Aug-12 21:30:19

It's not the reason we had number 2, but it was certainly there on the "pros" list.

Except it's beginning to occur to us that we might just have ended up with a carbon copy of number 1 & have two chatty, intense children instead of 1....

ChoccyJules Fri 31-Aug-12 21:34:12

grin

wicketter Fri 31-Aug-12 21:39:15

That was one of our pros, as was "i havent lost baby weight so might as well add to it". But seriously, I found having 2 when they were little REALLY hard work but now they are a bit older I think it is easier than having 1 (so much so I added an extra one!)

Ok, first off, my disclaimer: I have 4 DSs, always wanted 4, so not really qualified to post on a 'one child family' thread grin.

Having said that:
even before I had DS1, I always felt I wanted Another to 'dilute' whatever child I would have.
Intense or placid, loud or quiet, extrovert or introvert - I felt with one there was the possibility of becoming to attuned and involved with one child, that it put too much focus on them - if that makes any sense at all?

Going from 1 to 2 was (relatively) easy, from 2 to 3 not so much...

FWIW, DS1 and DS2 could not be more different from each other - I am glad they are both boys as I am sure if they weren't their v obvious differences would always be put down to gender differences grin.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

too attuned -sorry

Devianta Fri 31-Aug-12 21:46:22

Hollow laugh here. Dont do it!

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 21:47:08

Thanks all for the replies. So glad people get it. I have mentioned this to a couple of friends with very physically active DC who looked at me as if I had suddenly grown a second head.

Choccy, happy to hear I am not alone. How old is yours?
vvviola that's exactly my worry - getting 2 of the same grin
wicketter, how close together are your first 2?

Can I ask you all, on a scale of 1 to 10 how "unable to cope with more" did you feel after your first?

tara0202 Fri 31-Aug-12 21:48:39

Hmmm. I always wanted more than one so can't comment on that bit but I have a 3.4 yo DD who never stops talking for a minute is very chatty. She requires a lot of attention. I now have 16 week old DS. I would say DD is WORSE! Suppose what I am saying is don't count on having another diluting your first!

IslaValargeone Fri 31-Aug-12 21:51:52

My God no, don't do it, well not for the reason you have given at least. Like vvviola said, you may end up getting two of the same.

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 21:52:04

Pacific, that's the other thing, my own intensity needs diluting too, feels a bit unfair to laying it all on DD's tiny shoulders (although perhaps diluting it among 4 is a bit too much for the likes of me grin)

Devianta, that's intriguing, could you elaborate please?

Rosebud05 Fri 31-Aug-12 21:54:48

My dd sounds similar to yours OP (although no-one has ever described her as 'easy'!). Becoming a big sister at 2.2 actually heightened her emotional intensity, clinginess and attachment to me.

I now have 2 children who DON'T STOP TALKING. It is easier in some ways ie sometimes they talk to each other rather than me and play together, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but have another baby because you want another baby, not because of some effect it may or may not have on your dd.

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 21:55:50

Ooh, so may responses!

Isla, was that the case for you?

Did any of you feel strongly (at any point before you changed your minds and had no. 2, 3 or 4, obviously) that you were perhaps not made for having more than 1? Did that thought ever worry you? Because it does me...

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 21:57:06

many, sorry

wicketter Fri 31-Aug-12 21:57:07

ds was 3 when ds was born. Main problem I had was that ds 1 went to nursery shortly after birth so he thought I was replacing him. But we got there and now they are bf's (most of the time!)

sticky, diluting amongst 4 is a bit too much at times, when I am honest. There have been occasions where I have seen the wisdom of the 2 child family...

DS1 almost finished me off - he screamed his entire first year and Never Slept. How on earth we ever had another I don't know...

I agree don't have another for the reason you posted in your OP, have another because you want another child/person. They are not babies all that long - and halleluja to that grin!!

wicketter Fri 31-Aug-12 21:59:29

P.s- I worry everyday that I am not made for more than one, that I must be neglecting at least 1 dc BUT that is my own insecurity. I am v proud to say that they all are lovely, well balanced dc.

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 22:00:10

Rosebud, oh yes, the clinginess!!!

I see there is consensus here that it is a bit of a stupid reason to have a second one. I thought so.

Let's take a different angle then - so at what age do you reckon your average talkie stops being (such a) a PITA? hmm

wicketter Fri 31-Aug-12 22:01:42

My little talkie literally has not shut up for 8 years!!!!!!!

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 22:06:20

Oh dear, don't say that wicketter! shock. I think I did at around 17 or so! grin

Very glad to hear the insecurity has not got in the way of producing lovely DC

ChoccyJules Fri 31-Aug-12 22:06:44

OP, mine is almost 4.

And I saw your question, um, as multifaceted really, cos while 'diluting' an intense child there's also the benefit of giving said child experience of a sibling, less opportunity to rely so totally on you, etc.

Or maybe that's actually what I'm thinking, given am only just (after dreadful time of it) starting to consider another child.

IslaValargeone Fri 31-Aug-12 22:07:00

My dc is exactly how you have described, her grandparents describe her as high maintenance, not from a naughty point of view, just that she is quite intense. As she has got older I find myself less worn out, maybe because we can have better conversations? and she can be very, very funny.
The thought of having to deal with two of her though..Oh my god, I think it would have finished me off. Being a team of 3 is great.

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 22:09:52

Choccy, yes, that's the other side of it. I do worry that, conversely, she gets "too much" of me so too little of other personalities/opinions/ways of doing things.

wicketter Fri 31-Aug-12 22:10:40

To be fair to dc I havent shut up for over 30years grin

ChoccyJules Fri 31-Aug-12 22:12:32

We do of course immerse her in groups and friendships and she goes to day nursery while I work part-time. So she is very much able to mix.

But recently she longs for a sibling. Apparently if Mummy isn't going to have a baby she's going to do it!

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 22:17:33

Uncanny, Choccy, that's what she said to me!
But she's stopped mentioning the idea of a sister now.
Mind you I did say she was a bit too young. She just looked at me as if I was thick and said "when I'm big like you mummy!"

Longtallsally Fri 31-Aug-12 22:25:54

Sticky, I get exactly where you are coming from, too! I had always wanted more than one, but started rather late. DS1 was born when I was 38. He is gorgeous, but yes, very intense, very chatty/intelligent/enquring.

I was worried about coping with a second child, after 40, but ds2 came along at 41. And it did the trick. It was hard work having two little ones for the first five years, particularly as neither were very good sleeprs but actually from day 1, ds1 became much more content. He loved being a big brother, and helping out, and ds2 quickly benefitted from a routine involving school runs/watching his big brother play etc.

It's still exhausting, but the bigger age gap helped, I think, and they still get on well - most of the time. DS2 is less intense than DS1, but ds1 has chilled out a bit too (though when they were aged 2 and 5 I did one 3 hour car journey with them on my own and nearly abandoned them en route. 3 hours of non stop discussion as to why X was X and not Y, why sheep were white, why I had to indicate, I still shudder to remember! So avoid small spaces, and best of luck!)

HTH

stickygotstuck Fri 31-Aug-12 23:38:48

Your story is very encouraging Sally.

Sorry, your car journey from hell made me laugh - so familiar, and I only have the one!

WerthersUnOriginal Sat 01-Sep-12 22:21:28

Ive got 3 and there's been no dilution in intensity. We just have intensity x 3grin

It takes different forms as they get older though. Teens can be emotionally intense and mentally exhausting by what they don't say.

nooka Sat 01-Sep-12 22:39:19

I have two pretty intense children (if by intense you mean deep thinkers and big talkers!). dd came along by accident when ds was 8mths so we never really got to think about it too much. Once the pain of babyhood was over (I'm not a baby person) they have been excellent company for each other and I guess that gives dh and I a fair amount of downtime, and listening to the two of them is great fun. They are now 13 and 12 and amazingly good friends, but there is no guarantee of that, I think it is slightly dangerous to assume that siblings will automatically get on together.

I think the other thing to bear in mind is that if you are only now thinking about having another child there will be a significant big age gap and they may not have very much in common.

I wonder if you are just finding her hard work because of her age? I remember around 4ish being very intense (maximum tantrums for us). Once she is a little older you will also be able to change the mix by having her friends around and also your interest will probably converge a bit more so her intenseness will be more rewarding to you.

Less Sat 01-Sep-12 22:43:08

Hmm, I understand your reasoning, but think as your age gap is likely to be c. 5 years, they won't be playmates for each other, so in terms of their demands on you, you'll effectively have 2 "onlys" You'll also have 1 child at home full-time just as you're getting DD1 off to school...

Having another (or not) will be lovely, but, I'm not sure this should be your reason.

You mentioned this but as an only child one thing I would have loved a sibling for was to take the intensity away from me. When my mum was in a bad mood or my parents fought, I had no one to sort of share it with or laugh it off with (these were rare events btw!) So to some extent these became huge dramas that they shoukdnt have been. As my parents get older I'm aware that ill be the one helping to make decisions about health care and possibly personal issues and ultimately making decisions for them, maybe. Dh will help but the level of emotional involvement I have or a sibling would have is not there.

Not reasons in themselves to have no2. I had a happy childhoold, lots of friends, holidays with cousins etc. Just maybe points to consider.

Gilberte Sat 01-Sep-12 22:52:01

My DD1 is very intense, chatty etc. I spent 3 years devoted my time and energy to entertaining her. Then I had DD2 and it turned DD1's world upside down. DD1 (4) spends a lot of time trying to "kill"- her words- DD2 (18mths) and frequently asks me to do the same.

It is slowly getting better and they do have moments when they are starting to play together/ interact with each other more pleasantly but I found the intensity of my relationship with DD1 only made the sibling issue more difficult.

Born2bemild Sat 01-Sep-12 22:59:22

I have fairly intense dc. They do a lot of bickering, that is all I will say. grin

stickygotstuck Mon 03-Sep-12 16:22:47

Oooh, more responses, great, thanks all! Sorry I've disappeared for a couple of days.

nooka yes, that's exactly what I mean, deep thinkers and big talkers! Your age gap would have literally finished me off, hats off.
And yes, my own background makes me very aware that siblings won't necessarily get on.

Both your point and Less's point about the age gap thing is interesting - I don't consider 4-5 years a big age gap. I am positive that anything less would simply be madness in my case. I have one sibling and there are 8 years between us. We are not close but we never would have been even if the gap had been 9 months, we are that different as people and the jealousy was pretty terrible. Frankly, that's one of the reasons that has put me off having any more so far.

Stealth, yes, that's my main worry, leaving poor DD to cope alone with my own intensity and that of the family unit in general.

Gilberte, that't crossed my mind, having a second may be too much of an upset to DD (as you can probably gather from the jealousy comment above!). Somehow I don't think she would be that way inclined, but you never know until you get there.

Werthers and Born2bemild, you two sound firmly in the "I have more than one of those" camp!

So, I'm still non the wiser. All I now is, I don't have an overwhelming all-consuming desire to have a baby. I'm not a baby person. If they arrived aged 1 onwards, it would be an easier decision ;-)

Do most people here think 5 years is a big gap??

FarrowAndBollock Tue 18-Sep-12 23:56:09

I have 3 and am definitely a better mother for having more than one. I am an over-thinker and would have been too intense for just poor DS1. I would have over worried and been a complete pain! Good luck with whatever you decide.

GateGipsy Sat 22-Sep-12 20:55:37

Not many people with one child here?

OP, you say you feel like things are complete with just one. If that's the case then stay with how you feel. I have one, and he is now 7. At 3.8 they do make you follow them about - they feel that really you're an extension of them. They grow out of this. It does get much easier. And there's absolutely no guarantee that two children will occupy each other. I've a friend with two who tries to arrange a sleepover for one of them nearly every weekend as it seems that it is only when there's three in the house that the two siblings stop fighting with each other.

Mollydoggerson Sat 22-Sep-12 21:00:38

My two rile each other up. 4 and 3 yrs

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