Happy with one until DS spoke to me today

(52 Posts)
Blurry29 Sat 07-Jan-12 14:12:58

Ok bit of background. Very happy family life. Been married 9 yrs, together 10. Have one DS who is 5 and bloody brilliant (even if I do say so myself smile )

It never even crossed my mind to consider more than him, we're a very loving and close family (cheesey but true) we genuinely get on etc etc etc

Ok move on to today, DH at work, I'm pottering about, DS in and out playin with friends. A friend from a few doors down had another friend then up, DS went out to play with them for him to be told its only for 2 players!! (they were playing footy)

In comes DS clearly upset, so we talked about it etc, he then says that sometimes he gets very lonely as he doesn't have brothers to play with......... Crushing blow!!

He got over it and went back out leaving me wiping some tears away!! I feel gutted, this is the first time he's really talked honestly about feeling lonely etc.

Do I consider having another one to help the situation? Maybe I didn't word that correctly but hopefully YWSWIM

Im not sure we could afford another one, we both work (very hard) have kept alot of his expensive baby equipment etc but I don't think we could afford another one in the long run

Feel a bit gutted and confused now sad so thought I would write it all down here rather than trying to keep it in!!

Has anyone else had this experience?? How did you deal with it?


Blurry29 Sat 07-Jan-12 14:13:50

Hope it makes sense. Sorry for grammar/spelling mistakes smile

Tee2072 Sat 07-Jan-12 14:31:22

I haven't dealt with it yet as my son is only 2.6 but I don't think your sin being lonely is s good reason to have a baby. Just having a sibling does not guarantee a lack of loneliness.

If you want another one, great, go for it! But don't do it based on one conversation with a 5 year old!

exoticfruits Sat 07-Jan-12 14:31:37

I think that you get this with many only DCs at some point.
My DS certainly was in tears at points, especially when watching siblings. I always went to great lengths to point out all the negatives.
In my case I wanted another and although there was an 8 yr gap it worked out fine-however if you don't want one don't feel coerced.

pictish Sat 07-Jan-12 14:32:49

Err...well, I certainly hope you're not considering having another child to please your son!! shock

exoticfruits Sat 07-Jan-12 14:34:29

I agree -don't do it to please your DC-he might not like the reality anyway. Just accept that you are going to ease him over negative feelings.

cazboldy Sat 07-Jan-12 14:35:46

i think ALL children would like a litle brother/sister at some point. My youngest (of 5) is 4 and asked me for a new baby the other day, because she doesn't like being the smallest.....

slightly different i know, but I don't think I will have another! smile

cazboldy Sat 07-Jan-12 14:37:28

also, that would be quite a large gap, even for 2 brothers to get along well together, and how would he feel if it was a girl.....
Are there other friends/ cousins you could have over for him to play with?

glastocat Sat 07-Jan-12 14:40:29

Not all onlies want a sibling.i never did,and my ten year old son has made me promise him not to have a brother or sister for him,he loves being an only child. Maybe he will change his mind,I never did though.

exoticfruits Sat 07-Jan-12 14:42:03

I know lots who would hate a sibling. They are all different.My 'only' was desperate to have one.

redlac Sat 07-Jan-12 14:44:50

My only doesn't want a baby she wants a big brother!

Kristingle Sat 07-Jan-12 14:48:34

He wasnst a brother to play with. Y'know, boys his own age. In the street.

You have no idea if he woudl like a baby. Who might be a girl. Who woupd live in his house and mess up his stuff. NOTHING like the kids in the street

If you got pg tomorrow , By the time any baby woudl be two, he will be 8 and still wanting to kick a football. But not with a toddler.

Next time you are in the supermarket, show him a newborn and ask him if he wants one. I bet you a fiver he says no

So please dont feel bad. All your reasosn for having one child are still good ones. If he is lonely , find Him some friends

D0oinMeCleanin Sat 07-Jan-12 14:48:38

And what happens if he gets a sister? Do keep trying until he gets his brother?

My friend has only. She gets round this by seeking out others with onlies for playdates. Her dd has also adopted mine as her 'sisters' grin

Dd2 is not an only but she does want another baby. She already knows him. It will be a buvva, he is called James and he comes to see her in the night. He's not dead he's just waiting to be born hmm

JustHecate Sat 07-Jan-12 14:50:02

I don't think that's really a good reason to have another child if you don't really want one.

Besides. He's 5. Even if you got pregnant really quickly, he'd be 6 when it's born. By the time it was a toddler, he'd be 8. A toddler brother/sister when you're 8 is a pain in the arse. When the sibling was 5 - he'd be 11. Annoying little sibling tugging at you when you want to play footie with your mates.

He still wouldn't have anyone to play with, would he?

So unless you're going down the adopting a fellow 5 yr old route, then having another baby at this stage wouldn't give him a buddy, would it?

And he probably doesn't care most of the time, anyway.

Probably better to work on developing close friendships and making sure he spends lots of time with friends.

3littlefrogs Sat 07-Jan-12 14:50:36

My view is entirely subjective and personal. However, here goes:

I don't know what I would do without my siblings. I don't take them for granted - we lost a sibling, and as a result we are very close and supportive of one another.

I know all families are different, so I shouldn't generalise.

I am in my fifties. The pressure of working and caring for aged parents and PIL are huge. I am very grateful I have someone to share the load.

My mum was an only - hence the reason she wanted a big family.

DH is an only - he also wanted a big family.

jelliebelly Sat 07-Jan-12 14:52:57

Your DS isn't lonely he was just upset that his friends didn't want him to join in on that particular occasion. My DS (6) has a younger sister (3) and they hardly ever play together. My friend has 2 boys 18 months apart and they fight continually. Please don't consider having another child because of this one off incident.

jelliebelly Sat 07-Jan-12 14:56:00

3littlefrogs - conversely my mum was one of six and none of her siblings had more than 2 children.

adinaabfab Sat 07-Jan-12 15:01:26

Well I'm going to go against the grain here, my DH is an only and he always wanted a sibling. Having lots of friends isn't the same.

rubyrubyruby Sat 07-Jan-12 15:02:33

You have to do whats right for you.

I'm sorry but I am a firm believer in 'children should influence your life, not dominate it'. My DS1 desperately didn't want any siblings, I had 3 more children because I wanted them.

IslaDoit Sat 07-Jan-12 15:03:38

Get a dog instead? That's a serious suggestion btw. If he's lonely sharing his parents with a baby probsbly won't help. But a dog of his own to love and play with could be an idea??

adinaabfab Sat 07-Jan-12 15:04:27

I do agree with Ruby though, my DD2 didn't want me to have another and I did, she now loves her to bits. smile

exoticfruits Sat 07-Jan-12 15:04:27

They are all different. It is hard if you have one who wants siblings-my DS found it very upsetting-however it is no reason to have more.

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh Sat 07-Jan-12 15:08:19

Just to say I remember a moment a bit like yours with DS - except he does have an older sister. But when DS was about 3 I remember him once saying he'd like a little brother. I'd just say it's only natural to have a small wibble in response to such comments! You say whatever seems most reassuring at the time, have a quiet think about it later on your own, or with DH, and then probably carry on as before ... Unless it really has got you thinking !
Have to say I do like having two ... and think it can work whatever the gap or sexes involved.
Good luck thinking it over !

QED Sat 07-Jan-12 15:10:56

DD would like a younger sister. She has an older brother. It's not about to happen. I think your DS was unhappy he couldn't join in a game, but him having a younger sibling wouldn't have helped in that case. I don't think you should do something only because a child wants it - if things go wrong based on that decision would you blame the child for it?

Blurry29 Sat 07-Jan-12 15:13:01

Thanks all. He's happy playing with his other friends in the street now so probably just had a moment. It's typical that comments stay in our minds while they leave theirs very quickly lol.

It was just gutting at the time and with DH out at work I need to air it so it didn't fester too long. Thanks again xx

exoticfruits Sat 07-Jan-12 15:13:53

I was really keen for my mother to have another baby when I was 10yrs-she didn't oblige.

Ephiny Sat 07-Jan-12 15:14:21

I wouldn't even consider making such a big life-changing (for all of you) decision based on this. A five year old can't possibly understand the full and long-term implications of what he's saying, all he's thinking is right this minute he'd like someone to play with.

I always say no one should decide to get a dog or a cat because of pressure from a small child, only get one if you (and any other adult in the home) actually want one yourselves - even more true when it comes to an actual child, I would think! Children have whims and go through

And I had siblings and was still lonely - it just meant I had fighting and jealousy and overcrowding and nuisance to deal with at home on top of my loneliness, in fact I was probably more lonely, because I couldn't have as much of my parents' attention. Not all siblings get on or enjoy each other's company.

colditz Sat 07-Jan-12 15:16:19

He'd never have anyone to play with anyway, there'd be a six year age gap. have a baby if you want one but don't do it for him because he will be bored with it within 3 hours.

Ephiny Sat 07-Jan-12 15:18:32

And he wouldn't necessarily get a brother, what happens if you have a girl? Try again? And again, maybe?

colditz Sat 07-Jan-12 15:21:20

Gosh, Ruby, I could have been your eldest child! I desperately didn't want siblings, and she had two more children after me. There's a five year gap between each of us, so ten between me and my sister.

I cannot lie - it sucked. I hated sharing my space, my parents, being tied down to only doing what babies and toddlers can do, constantly being made to "Play with your brother, that's why I had him!" (no you didn't, you liar, you had him because you were broody)

Motherofhobbit Sat 07-Jan-12 15:21:56

This really comes down to whether you want another one. Like a lot of other posters have said, there is quite a big age difference so they probably wouldn't do too much playing footie together.
That said, I'm planning another DC and always knew from the beginning that I wouldn't want to only have one. The reason? I've always thought one of the best things my parents ever did was give me sisters. Not everyone feels this way about their siblings but there is something special about having a peer with a shared heritage and that blood bond can make you so much closer than just friends.

rubyrubyruby Sat 07-Jan-12 21:58:31

Oh Colditz sad my DS loved his siblings and still does. He went to watch his brother play football today as he does most weekends. I always made time for him and we have always had a great relationship.

ThatllDoPig Sat 07-Jan-12 22:01:07

If he's lonely, then concentrate on friendships and nurture them for him, with sleepovers and days out and potentially holidays.
What would happen if you had another baby and then he cried and said that he didn't want one anymore?!

ComeIntoTheGardenMaud Sun 08-Jan-12 18:03:25

Make up your mind about whether you want another child, but don't base it on one outburst from your son. As has been said, that baby could just as well be a girl and may never be much of a playmate because of the age gap.

I've been posting this article from yesterday's Guardian all over the place, because even if you don't share Adele Park's views they are thought-provoking.

SilentBoob Mon 09-Jan-12 10:48:08

My 6 yr old daughter often makes impassioned pleas for two big sisters. She is completely serious and her emotions are very real. But I'm afraid I can't always give her everything she thinks she wants. She has to make do with 2 little brothers instead.

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 10-Jan-12 13:30:15

Yes SB - Quite amusing really when they ask for big sisters or brothers - 'fraid you'll have to make do with your cousins there DCs - No can do !

Reminds me too of when DBro said he'd like twins - I'm not sure they come to order DBro ! - And he was well into his twenties, with no DCs yet, when he told me this smile

bebanjo Sun 13-May-12 21:09:46

Just say you did have another, by the time the child is born ds is 6, by the time they are old enough to play football ds is 10, will he want to play football in the garden with a 4 year old when all his mates are going to the park?
what if you have a girl that only wants to play dolls?

My DS is also 4 and the last few weeks has been asking me when will I have another baby as he wants someone to play with. This breaks my heart but after 3 years of nothing and me being in my forties I have to accept it's not going to happen but it makes me sad for him.

Dudeypantsmum Sun 13-May-12 21:19:10

I begged for a brother or sister till I was about 10 and then begged them not to! The real nail in the coffin was when my french penpal came for a month rather then the usual week and I hated it. Having to give up the front seat of the car, wait for her to get ready, do what she wanted to do! I then really understood what it meant to have a sibling and I hated it!

I too love the closeness I have with parents and the fact I can talk to them about everything and have always been able too - poor Dad had to listen to far too much personal girly stuff and would not change a thing about my upbringing. The only odd bit was begging to go to boarding school but they were having none of it - all Enid Blyton's fault

What it sounds like to me, OP, is that your DS wanted a playmate. At his age of 5, any subsequent babies wouldn't be, particularly, playmates as the age gap would be rather big (7 years between me and my sister).

Hulababy Sun 13-May-12 21:26:39

I have one child. She's now 10y.

She went through the odd phase saying she'd like a sibling, and then other times saying she wouldn't like a sibling. Children generally do - even those with siblings often say they'd like a bigger/younger one at some time or other.

Even if you did have another there is absolutely no guarantee that they would get on - either as children or as adults. Hopefully they would,. but they equally might not.

Don't have another child just because of what a child says. The only reason to have another child is if it is what you and your partner want.

Oh - and yes, do consider the financial aspects of it. Only you know if you could realistically keep the same kind of lifestyle with another child. And if you can't then you must decide if you are happy to reduce your lifestyle, or change it. It is a VERY good idea to consider the financial aspects of having a child before deciding if you want one.

Beamur Sun 13-May-12 21:31:26

My DD would love a little brother or sister - she's 5 too, I've pointed out the downsides, but she is adamant that she would love one and would be a great big sister etc...I'd like to oblige, but it's unlikely to happen! She does have older sibs though, who are 17 & 18, so good for certain kinds of fun, but not others!
It might pull at the heartstrings a bit, but it can't be the only reason to have another child.

MissPricklePants Sun 13-May-12 21:32:21

My dd is 3 and asked for a brother last week, as her friend at nursery has a new brother. I said that if I had a baby then it would have to live in our house and sleep in my bedroom and she would have to share her toys etc she quickly changed her mind! Good job too as I am a LP so not going to have another!

exoticfruits Sun 13-May-12 21:49:29

This is a thread from January-is OP even reading it?

PoorAudreyHorseface Mon 14-May-12 10:46:52

Doesn't matter if OP is reading it or not - it's all interesting stuff smile

RamblingRosa Mon 21-May-12 14:17:38

I don't know if OP is still reading but I'm in the same boat. DD (4.5yo) has started asking for a baby sister. I've pointed out all the negatives but she has an answer to all of them! It's on my mind a lot at the moment. I've been adamant all along that I don't want another baby and feel I haven't coped very well with the one I've got (PND, work life balance etc) but DD's pleas for a sibling have got me wondering if I'm making the right choice.

k2togm1 Mon 18-Jun-12 21:26:31

I was an only child for 8.5 fantastic years until my brother came at my request and ruined things... grin

rollingfog143 Tue 19-Jun-12 18:30:06

You shouldn't have another child because your child wants you to!

Billy11 Tue 26-Jun-12 00:02:12

im an only child...my daughter gets excluded a lot as lots of mums come to park with their 2 or 3 kids and she so badly wants to join...i was lonely when i was a kid...drove my mum crazy who always had to take me out for playdates...
even as an adult ...i am soooo very lonely .....i never used to be this bad when i was a kid....
having a younger sibbling a boy or girl makes you less lonley so you try to reach out less to others and when you get rejected it aint a big deal as you are not going home to be alone ...it makes a huge difference...
im having a boy soon i wish to have another girl as well
i think if you are happy to have another ..it would do wonders for your son !!!!

rollingfog143 Wed 27-Jun-12 14:54:43

Piffle! My only DD is far more gregarious than I was as a child with three siblings. If she wants to join in with a group of kids then she just graces them with her presence and gets stuck in smile. And she's also very happy to occupy herself when she's alone.

I hate all this lonely only crap on MN.

Ragwort Wed 27-Jun-12 14:59:59

My (only) DS has made the odd comment over the years about wanting a brother or sister but as he gets older he has worked out the benefits for himself (including the financial ones grin), like rolling's DD he is also incredibly outgoing and is the first to get a game going at the park, organise something, join a team etc etc.

There is absolutely no guarantee that siblings get on with each other, my DH rarely speaks to his family, there is certainly no real 'relationship' there and I hardly ever see my siblings sad.

justpaddling Thu 16-Aug-12 09:42:10

My dd asked me to buy a baby brother from Tesco when she was about 3 yrs. Needless to say I couldnt find any on the shelves grin.

She mentions a sibling from time to time and says there is only her and two other kids in her class that are onlies.

I feel for her sometimes but have explained there wont be anymore and most of the time she is very happy being an only.

I was an only until I was nearly 9 and hated my dsis. It wasnt until we were adults that we started to get on but I know so many people that do not get on with their siblings in adulthood and they may as well be onlies

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