Awful terrible regrets about ds being an only I need help

[mindscape]

I have had aawful unbearable regrets about ds being an only probably for the past two years and if I had known then how I was going to feel now I would have at least had two children but I never got round to it probably partly due to the fact that dp wasn,t keen anyway on another.
I am finding it so sad and agonising ds is 9 and he doesn,t have anybody but me and his dad.
whenever I take ds out whether it be swimming or the park children of his age are hanging around with their mates not with their mom.
I know that ds has picked up on this took him swimming tonight well not exactly we was near the front of the queue when he turned and said he doesn,t want to go so I had to drive all the way back home.
Asked him why he had done that to me and he said because he was with me and only babies are with their mom, indead I had noticed that other children were with their mates and alot of them looked the same age as ds.
The problem is that I do an awful lot of inviting back to our house for ds but wonder why I bohter as he is hardly ever invited back anywhere, I have taken him and a mate swimming before and he has been completely different than with me has wanted to muck in.
He doesn,t really seem to have forged any real good friendships at school were they come to ours to play and he goes to theirs.
He has never forged any friendships in the neighbourhood either so most of the time he hangs around me wanting me to play were has other kids his age seem to be off with their mates down the park etc.
I don,t know what to do I feel really sad and have cried about it tonight wishing that I had of moved myself years ago and gave him a sibling to muck in and do stuff with.
I know alot of you will mention clubs but again ds doesn,t seem to take to them properly.
I am stuck in such a negative trap about ds being an only and I don,t know what to do about it I am constantly watching other families with more than one child and torturing myself about all of this.
Ds has one friend at school who is always keen to go swimming, soft play with ds, but the friend can be very naughty and a bad influence but I have let the friednship continue because at least its someone for ds to do things with and I have been slated by my family for that.
I have tried to encourage ds into other frienships at school but its so much effort with nothing in return and ds is so awkward that he usually ends up hating them for one reason or another.
Please help I feel heartbroken.

[senseofhumourfailure]

Can you and DS have a look for evening or weekend activities that he is really interested in? I know you mentioned him not really liking groups but maybe its just been the wrong thing and he needs to try new ones? If its something he really enjoys it will at least give him sonething to keep him entertained and some social contact with others his age.

When I was young I didn't make any friends from school, they were all made "out to play" just from talking to other children around the neighbourhood, asking if I could play with them etc, perhaps this could be encouraged.

[drivingmisscrazy]

I will say this gently, but do you think he is picking up on your anxiety on this issue. Your post continually talks about his lack of mates, and this seems to be more significant than his only status. He sounds like he wants a little more independence - could you drop him off to swimming and go and get coffee and then meet him afterwards? he needs to make friends on his own behalf - with respect - without you helping him -

Look again at your language: he has one friend that you disapprove of 'but I have let the friendship continue' - I know he's only 9 and needs your guidance and support, but he also needs to learn how to make friends and judgements about other children (I'm an only and this is the hardest thing about it - kids with sibs are used to being rejected by their peers but still loved - onlies have to learn this IMHO) - and he can't do that if he views everything through an adult prism

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but you need to accept his only status as a reality, not project negativity about it, and support him in making (and breaking) friendships, not attempt to do it for him. You can't. He sounds like a total sweetheart, btw

[EndangeredSpecies]

Agree with Driving. Maybe you're trying too hard? Just find out what activities make your DS (or you, actually) happy, and do them, so what if it's just the two of you. He will meet other children naturally if he does things he likes, because he will be relaxed. Maybe he's not a clubs type of child, maybe he likes natural history or fishing or other stuff you haven't tried yet.
It sounds like you worry about what other people might be thinking, or somehow you have an idea of what you "should" be doing or how your family "should" be.

[maxybrown]

He could still be like this even if he had a sibling - a sibling does not mean he will be more extrovert.

It sounds like a different issue to be honest - you say all the others were there with their friends - not with their siblings.

I am saying as a mum to an onlywho is also confused about wether to have another!!

[MindySimmons]

Hi Mindscape - echo much of what has been said already, only yesterday I was reading a thread on whether siblings would ever stop fighting! It was quite an eyeopener! I had three sisters and only as an adult do I feel close to one of them.

With the swimming, IMO he's a little young to go on his own anyway so I think that could be your opener to getting him involved in something on his own, such as joining lessons or another water based activity. This may sound a little harsh but I really do think the only mistake you could be making is overcompensating. Every mum has a tendency to put themselves through the court of motherhood! You have nothing to feel guilty or bad about, for every downside you've listed you could counter with so many positives of one.

[piscesmoon]

I agree with driving. I think that you are putting your own negativity on him. There are lots of positives on being an only-concentrate on those. Perhaps you need some benign neglect and let him find his own way-it seems rather controlling with your let him have a friend. My DSs have friends that I don't like, I certainly had friends that my mother didn't like but we are all different. I know identical twins, who you think would be in a position of never needing a friend, and they absolutely loathe each other! Stop thinking that a sibling would solve the problem. The boy next door got his sister to sign a paper saying that she would totally ignore him at school!
Do you join in yourself? If not he is copying you. Join the PTA and get involved. Try the cubs and volunteer to go along and help. If you make friends with the adults it is so much easier to help him. If you are a shy person, just help with things behind the scenes like the washing up. He won't get involved in his community if his parents are not involved.

[ASmallBunchOfFlowers]

Piscesmoon and DrivingMissCrazy are right, I think. The problems you describe are about a lack of confidence and a lack of friends, not about siblings.

On another thread I've been trying to encourage people to volunteer for Scouts and Guides but here I would say don't volunteer to be a weekly helper at Cubs if your son agrees to try it. I think he needs to try something new without you around and perhaps you too need the experience of making new friends.

Mindy is spot on about the court of motherhood! Don't beat yourself up but do try to adopt a more optimistic outlook for both you and your son - fake it at first, if you have to.

[GenevieveHawkings]

Again this is the same old story of parental negativity coming through and affecting the child.

There is nothing to say that having a sibling would have made your DS any more sociable, outgoing, popular or able to forge friendships easily with others children. That depends on his personality and character and that will not be affected by the amount of siblings he has.

I have said this before but it's worth saying again - my next door has four boys, all very close in age and they are the most insular, painfully shy boys you could ever wish to meet. They never have any friends in - and I've never seen them out anywhere with friends. In fact, they rarely leave the house, apart from to go to work and college. The youngest is 16 now and none of them acknowledge neighbours who've been living in the same street since they were babies. They really are incredibly odd young men.

So my point is, don't mistakenly and misguidedly think that having siblings offers some sort of "blueprint" for being a well-balanced, well-rounded human being because it does not.

Your DS will find his own level for making friends. It's not something you can force. You said yourself that he was completely different with his friend than when he was with you so how can you be so sure that you're seeing the real him? He may be picking up on your negativity and responding to it.

He is at an age now when becoming independent and finding his own friends and hanging out with them is not really too far away. Chill out a bit and don't let this escalate into something it's not.

[Gallievans]

I can sympathise with you as my DD was constantly asking for a sibling (various medical reasons meant we never could).

However, I also think the others are right - you can't assume that he would be different if he had a sibling. He is who he is, and will be, regardless of how much you beat yourself up about it. Forget what your family say and go with your instincts - if this friend really is such a bad influence your ds will outgrow him, and simply by having this one friend he will learn the skills to make others.

I'm a brownie leader myself and agree with ASmallbunch in that if you want him to try cubs you might be better not volunteering regularly in the same troop - perhaps in the scouts - as this way you both get to make new friends and by the time he moves up he will have found his feet.

But the main thing is to stop feeling so guilty!

[whitehouse123]

I'm sorry to hear your upset about this. I too have an only and I too feel terrible guilt about now having given mine a sibling but it's done - its probably too late and you and I can't beat ourselves up for it. Make the best of it - your child is probably changing into away from being a small child into a more independent older child. Mums aren't cool when that happens - thats natural. I would proably be more concerned if he wanted you with him all the time. Sounds as tho he is finding his feet and loosening the apron strings just a little. Tough for you but you can't change whats done. Just love him and support him.