"Spontaneous" play with other dc - not so spontaneous for only children?

[StillCounting]

Do any of you with one child find this difficult or is it just me? (By definition, if a parent organises play for their child, then it takes a lot of the fun and spontaniety out of it.)

Background: my 6 yr old dd is an only (and it's looking increasingly likely that it will stay that way). Not what we wanted for her but fortunately she is very sociable, loves school and does loads of after school-activities.

Following a few things dd said to me today, I just feel she needs a bit of spontaniety and a bit more 'low key' fun.

Her school is quite traditional and structured, as are all the out-of-school clubs. It's all enjoyable stuff (riding, ballet, piano) but at the same time it is all quite planned and controlled and mostly involves following instructions and behaving etc.

We have friends over to play once a week or once a fortnight if I'm stretched, but even that is quite structured because of time limitations and homework and supper etc.

I watched a couple of siblings playing together at a friend's house a few days ago. They were just lolling about and giggling - sometimes just playing together totally quiet and absorbed - and it was all low key and calm and didn't involve complicated arrangements or time deadlines.

How can I replicate this for dd? Or is this a totally unrealistic expectation ...? And if it isn't possible, should I be worried about it? I look back on my own childhood and feel she is really missing out.

Sorry - this post is very poorly expressed (tired) - not sure what I AM asking really - some practical suggestions would be good I suppose - I'd be interested to know how others handle this issue ...but I also just wanted to get it off my chest I guess....

[StillCounting]

Sorry that was a huge post.

Thanks for ploughing through.

[MollieO]

Doesn't she play with friends at school? Ds is an only, does some after school activities (mostly at a weekend as I'm not around after school). He also plays by himself doing whatever he wants to do. If he has friends over then they play. Nothing planned or structured. I think it is good for children to have down time where the aren't organised to the nth degree.

[overmydeadbody]

Well DS is an only and I don't have anything to do with his playing if I can help it, so it's all spontanious and unstructured.

Yes it still has to fit around work and school and clubs and supper time etc. but I don't ever have to actually get down to his level and play with him, or suggest games, or supervise.

Are you sure you're not just overthinking this? I don't think you can actively plan to be spontanious, could you not just back off a lot more and leave your DD to it when she's at home? Let her play on her own or with a friend with no input from you?

What hapens when a friend comes over? Do you jst leave them?

Maybe your DD just needs or relies on a lot of guidance from you? If so that is more her personality than a result of being an only child.

[StillCounting]

Thanks very much for your replies.

It's entirely possible that I AM over-thinking this Overmydeadbody.

She didn't used to, but nowadays dd plays quite well by herself (30 or 40 mins at a time). I agree entirely that dc down-time should not be planned to nth degree MollieO. And although I play with her sometimes during the holidays, I don't generally during term time. We run our own business so dd's had to be quite self-reliant.

She does play with friends at school at lunch time but they often do extra activities then too, such as choir or sewing club.

What I'm really talking about is contact with other children that is low key and unstructured.

I do leave them to it when a friend comes over but time always seems quite tight. We get back at 4.30pm, by the time they've run around a bit and blown off steam, had a snack and done their hwk it's 5.30pm and then we eat supper at 6pm. They maybe have 20 to 30 mins hour after that and then it's usually time to drive the friend home.

I dunno, I guess I am wishing for the impossible: a sibling dd can "magic up" when she feels like it!!!

I'm off to bed now (am an hour ahead of UK) but thanks again for responding and will check back in tomorrow.

[StillCounting]

oops - I typed in an extraneous "hour" there

should have read: 20 to 30 mins after that ...

[overmydeadbody]

well how about having a friend over at the weekend?

I would also not do homework with a friend round, I would wait till friend went home.

You're forgetting she also gets lots of time to play with other children at school during breaktime and lunchtime, I think you are overworrying!

[StillCounting]

Thanks again Overmydeadbody

I do have a tendency to over-worry and in the cold grey light of morning, I can see that she'll probably develop more low-key play as she gets older. Right now play dates are all "exciting special events" somehow ...

Problem is, our weekends are pretty packed too but we could have a friend over one of the afternoons now I think about it - thanks.

If we leave homework until after friend has gone then she dd is too tired to do it and she ends up going to bed too late. Also, it's kind of play-date etiquette here among the other mothers that you don't send a tired/over-excited child back home with their homework un-done.

I suppose I was just thinking back to the summer when we rented a holiday cottage and dd just joined the "pack" of other staying dc there. They just knocked on the door in the morning and off she went! Loads of responsible older children and I hardly saw her all day and it all just seemed - I dunno - more natural and fun instead of these endlessly organised and scheduled arrangments.

Hey ho!! Off to work now but back tonight!

[RebeccaRabbit]

Does your 6 yo get homework every night?

When friend comes over can't you feed them their tea at 4.30 then they don't have to break for supper.

When my DD (aged 5) has friends over, I leave them to it. They play for a bit, watch some telly, do some drawing, play some more.

I also play with DD a lot but let her lead it ... she'll want to play libraries , school, tea parties etc and then have some time on the computer.

[daisy99divine]

would you think of having one of her friends to stay the night? then you would have more time before bed

Also the holidays seem ideal.

I think terms are busy and structured, and holidays, well, just aren't. that sounds like a lovely holiday and good balance

[Bumblingbovine]

tbh I think this has more to do with where you live than how many children you have.

Some people live in estates with lots of children around so that after the age of abaout 6-7 they play together after schol and at weekends. They call for each other and just go and play.

If you live somewhere whee this isn't viable then spontaneous play for opnly children is pretty difficult

I think abbout this a lot and do see what a difference it makes. We live on a main road. Neither of our immediate neighbours have children. Even if they did we would never see them because of the type of road it is.

I

[Blu]

DS is an only child - we have peple to play after school, and they just play, freestyle, in his room, out of my beady gaze!

I wouldn't DREAM of doing homework while we had a friend to play, and actually I would be a bit if another parent took it upon themselves to supervise DS's homework while he was at their house. Do any homework after friends have gone, or for 10 mins in the morning. Oh, I see it is the etiquette amongst your friends. oh well.

tbh, the whole regime, and ethos of school, with nightly homework for 6 yo, choir, sewing, riding, ballet, piano, sounds ridiculously over-programmed and structured.

[StillCounting]

Only just checked back on here - interesting to see such a variety of opinions and advice - thank you

Blu - it is overly structured in one way - which is why I posted - but this is also a cultural issue too.

Context: we live in Belgium where there is much more emphasis on "group" activities and from a very early age. Virtually every child is in full time nursery school from 2.5 yrs. I was horrified at this when I first came but the care/education is so good that I've come to accept and run with it.

Fortunately it suits dd who happens to be very physically energetic but it does depend on the individual child. She is always "up" for every class that she goes to and gets very disappointed if we have to miss one for some reason (even when she's ill). I am not one of those parents who believe in hot-housing children or over-scheduling them - quite the reverse in fact - and for that reason I held back from arranging things for a long time but dd became very frustrated and tetchy then ... she's just the sort of child that likes "doing" things ...dh is the same ... he never stops. All the things she does have been genuinely "child-led" - not the other way around.

I'm sounding defensive I know but this issue is a bit of a sensitive one for me (tried for more children for a long time - unlikely to happen now) and I feel a bit down about it tbh.

The homework is a bit much sometimes I agree - but again this seems to be normal for Belgium.

Bumblingbovine Funnily enough, I was just talking about the very same thing to my sister today. She was reminding me how my nieces (who live in an estate setting) all run around with a huge pack of friends after school despite living in the middle of London. Our front door opens out on to quite a busy street and it just isn't feasible here. I think you are spot on with this - thanks! I'll keep booking the holiday cottage holidays and hope for the best ...

Daisy999divine - that's a really great idea - thank you!! I think that might really hit the spot. Do you think 6 is too young though for an overnight stay?? It would be great to do it on a weekend night or before a free "teaching day" holiday. House is a bit of a death trap owing to renovation but can sort that out - mmm -- pondering and planning!!

RebeccaRabbit - that's another very practical suggestion - thanks. I sometimes 'concertina' dd's snack and supper in to one sitting anyway if she is particularly hungry. And it does save time ....

My inexperience is obviously showing here!! Bit of a learning curve all this, so thank you very much everyone.

[DontCallMeBaby]

I think a lot of the things you're describing would still be the case with siblings. There would only be a limited amount of time to play after school, what with homework, supper and bed. Okay, it's different because it's only one afternoon in a week or fortnight, so 'special' and exciting, but the flipside of that is that siblings get sick of each other.

As for overnight stays - I don't think 6 is too young, but pick the child carefully. DD has had one sleepover here (she is 5) and one at her friend's house. The friend lives two doors away, so if it had all gone wrong she could have easily come home, and her friend could have gone home when she stayed here. Her friend, although a couple of months younger, has been on other sleepovers, and is used to staying with her grandmother. Meanwhile DD is keen to have another friend to sleep over - not happening, she is a right handful. And her best friend - again, not happening, she is a nice little girl but has never spent the night away from her parents.

Definitely best to do it before a weekend or otherwise free day - DD's friend is normally early-to-bed, and DD is not, so she had a nap in the afternoon. They didn't go to sleep until gone 10, and got up at 7 - they coped remarkably well, but I would have been a bit concerned about them being at school on that amount of sleep!

[StillCounting]

Thank you very much for that post Don'tCallmeBaby - v. reassuring and much appreciated - I think a sleepover is the way to go ...and there's a half-term coming up ...

[DontCallMeBaby]

Further sleepover tips:

1. ban other adults from mentioning 'midnight feasts' prior to sleepover
2. if midnight feasts ARE mentioned, be strong, hold out, don't let them have one
3. if you DO let them have one, don't have it take the form of eating a bowlful of sweets each immediately before bedtime

Sometimes, I am not so good at this parenting lark ...

[Bucharest]

I have a dd only who is 6 also, and we are in Italy, where of course, the tendency is for everyone to be surrounded by extended families.....as dp's extended family are arsewits to a man, that doesn't really work for me

I always tend to look at friendships like this....when you were little, did your parents organise friendships/play for you? Mine didn't. We went to school, went to birthday parties, and the rest of the time, you either played on your own, or maybe with the neighbours' kids. But there certainly wasn't all this after school this that and the other (I went to brownies, but the girls there didn't particularly become friends, they never came to my house, or my birthday parties for example)

I do think we've started to overthink things. Dd plays for hours on her own, every so often we invite a couple of friends round and as their mothers stay (it all somehow has to be so official these days, unlike when I was a child) so we shove the kids off into the bedroom so we can have a natter.

Is your dd happy in herself I think is the question you have to ask.

Personally, I wouldn't be doing sleepovers yet. (but that's because we co-sleep )

[StillCounting]

Thank you for that vital info Don'tcallmebaby - duly noted!! Especially the bit about not even introducing the concept of a midnight feast in the first place!!

Bucharest thanks for your post.
No, I suppose, thinking back, I used to go riding with my father when he had time and play tennis with one of my sisters in the summer but none of it was very 'organised' - it was more haphazard and infrequent than that. I used to spend huge tracts of time alone at home (despite being youngest of 4) - far too long looking back, either reading or drawing, or moping around the garden (but I think the 'quality' of one's childhood is not really dependent on the number of activities you do tbh, I think it depends on one's relationship with your parents and that's another story ....!!!)

The upside of it is that I enjoy my own company now (probably rather too much!) and I am NEVER ever bored!!

I suppose I just had an idea in my mind about how I would like things to be different for dd and it's been harder to create with one child than anticipated!

She IS a very happy child 99% of the time but what prompted my op is I'm sensing an increasing awareness in her that her classmates "go home to play with their brothers and sisters" and that she is alone. She is desperate to stay at the "garderie/hwk club" after school but I think the day is too long and tiring as it is .... Also her teacher told me that she has made up a story about having a brother and a sister back in the UK

Sorry, have written an essay - Mnsnt is good therapy!!

[StillCounting]

Thank you for that vital info Don'tcallmebaby - duly noted!! Especially the bit about not even introducing the concept of a midnight feast in the first place!!

Bucharest thanks for your post.
No, I suppose, thinking back, I used to do occasional activities with my father and one of my sisters but none of it was very 'organised' - it was more haphazard and infrequent than that. I used to spend huge tracts of time alone at home (despite being youngest of 4) - far too long looking back, either reading or drawing, or moping around the garden (but I think the 'quality' of one's childhood is not really dependent on the number of activities you do tbh, I think it depends on one's relationship with your parents and that's another story ....!!!)

The upside of it is that I enjoy my own company now (probably rather too much!) and I am NEVER ever bored!!

I suppose I just had an idea in my mind about how I would like things to be different for dd and it's been harder to create with one child than anticipated!

She IS a very happy child 99% of the time but what prompted my op is I'm sensing an increasing awareness in her that her classmates "go home to play with their brothers and sisters" and that she is alone. She is desperate to stay at the "garderie/hwk club" after school but I think the day is too long and tiring as it is .... Also her teacher told me that she has made up a story about having a brother and a sister back in the UK

Sorry, have written an essay - Mnsnt is good therapy!!