Mumsnet Talk

I am conscious that there are so many expectations from people on how an only child experiences life in childhood and in adulthood. Crazy stereotypes, even in this forum!

I know several onlies who had such varying experiences of being an only child and have had very different experiences as adults too... that I want to start a thread where ADULT ONLIES share their experience (positive and negative).

If only to prove that there is no such thing as a typical experience of being an only.

So I will start :-)

I was (still am) an only child of two working parents. I was well-loved, I had a good circle of friends and I was an incredibly happy and sociable child.

My parents never felt compelled to play with me (different generation) and I played alone (really well) and with my friends. But my parents included me in watever they did from gardening to cooking and travelling abroad to exciting places.

My experiences were so happy and contented that I don't ever remember really yearning for a sibling. I was incredibly independent and self-sufficient too.

As an adult only I am very close to my parents but still very independent. Yes, as their only child I shoulder the burden of looking after them when they get too old, but my husband is one of three and as the highest earner of his siblings he too will share that burden alone.

I enjoyed my experience of being an only so much that I have no problem deciding that am sticking to just one child.

But because I know that other onlies have had different experiences, I recognise that my DD may not have as good an experience as I did being an only.

But I will use my experience and that of my parents' to ensure she is happy, content, independent and sociable despite not having siblings :-)

Over to you - positive and negative experiences - all welcome (but only adult onlies!).

hiya,
I am an adult only. My experience has largely been positive, I would say, but of course I've never really known any different! dh has a sister but they live in different cities.
As a young child I had plenty of friends, but then we moved and I went to a school miles away - with the result that I spent a lot of my free time with adults. That's really the only time I can remember wondering what it would be like to have a sibling.
My dd is an only child and she is like me - doesn't mind her own company, will entertain herself. dh is quite bad at this - if for any reason I am away he is ok for the first day then gets bored!
We didn't have much money when I was a child and I was never spoilt. dd, on the other hand is more spoilt but her behaviour so far is fine. I'm not close to my family apart from my dad (mum died 5 years ago), I will probably feel worse when he goes.

I was an only for years, until my mother remarried (a man with kids), then had another child.

As an only I was very self-sufficient, happy to play by myself, had a very happy time, lots of interests and so on. I also would go over to friends and have them to me, so I spent lots of time with other kids.

I was an only child until age 8 and I remember it as a good time, and I retain many of the interests that I had then (astronomy, voracious reading, swimming and so on). I never, ever felt the lack of a sibling and had plenty of friends to hang out with when I wanted..

My experience of being a sibling has been largely negative. My step-sister was and is a nasty, lying bitch. My step-brother has been great during my recent troubles (for which I am very grateful) and we have a good relationship, but tbh, if we weren't siblings we wouldn't spend time together. My little brother and I have a good laugh when we're together, but we don't really keep in touch.

So all in all, siblings haven't really improved my life on balance, and being an only was fine.

The only doubt I have about my own - only - child is that he'll be entirely alone when I die - something that I'm no longer looking at in my own case. I imagine it would be quite bleak, and would like to hear from other adult onlies who either have lost their parents, or have views on how that will be.

I'm an only - never found it strange, never had any desire for a sibling. My parents are both still alive, so that isn't an issue for me, although at the moment they live a long way away from me.

I suppose one thing is that the responsibility will come down to just me to look after my parents, and that affects my long term plans (will probably move closer) - but in some ways that might be easier than the situation (that I have seen first hand) of one sibling resenting others because they end up doing most of the caring. And in fact DH is just as keen to move nearer his parents for the same reason, despite having 2 siblings.

Interestingly, I do have a very good relationship with my DH's two siblings - maybe I make more of an effort because I don't have any of my own? Certainly I'm more likely to phone SiL than he is - but maybe its just because she's really nice & I don't take her for granted

FWIW I also have an only child. Did have a very short wobble recently when everyone I knew seemed to be pregnant - but cured very rapidly by spending a long weekend with a baby & a toddler!

I was an only. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother and it often felt claustophobic. I sometimes wondered if having a sibling would have diluted the focus on me.

My parents are both dead now and I helped my mother nurse my father, then less than 2 years later nursed my mother at home. It was very stressful but TBH, that is the least regretful part of being an only - it's just something you have to do and I was 'happy' to do it.

Now I have one dd (4, not by choice).

I'm an adult only child, had really do not remember wanting a sibling at all.

I had a fun, idyllic childhhod, much loved, loads of friends though equally comfortable on my own with my own company.

My Dad passed away in April and that has been hard as i idolised him It has been so hard for me and my mum, and i did think a sibling ould be good just to help with th burden of it all. Sometimes its hard to hear my mum so helpless, and a sibling to share the load would be good. But that's life. I have some amazig supportive friends, and a great dh. Having a sibling is no guarantee of support is it?

Dh attributes me being an only to my tendancy to never admit i am wrong.......who knows?

FWIW I have an only too. My ds is 7. I had a few wobbles when he was 3/4 but am over it now. I ma his mum, dh is his dad and he is our son. It's all good.

DrNortherner, my DH will never, ever, admit he is wrong, and he is one of three . . . I blame it on his being the oldest

Hi, another adult only here. I was adopted at 3months and I believe my parents planned to adopt a boy too, but that fell through.

Growing up I was very close to my dad and was devastated when he died suddenly in my 20s. I've always had a more difficult relationship with my mum, I do wonder if i had had siblings this would have been better as (as Acinonyx has already said)I wouldn't have been her only focus.

The only drawback I have found to being an only is the fact that since my dad died, i really do feel the pressure of being 'responsible' for my mum who is getting older now and doesn't keep well (she was an only herself so her extended family is quite small too). My Dad;s extended family is drifting these days as well.

My family was that little bit better off than many others I knew, we went abroad a lot etc (probably because there was only me to pay for!)but I wouldn't say I was spoilt in the sense of getting everything I wanted (deferred gratification was a defining value in my family!). I certainly wasn't spoilt behaviour-wise, in fact I think my parents set incredibly high standards and things like not sharing were certainly not tolerated.

DH has a very close relationship with his sister and my SIL and I get on really well, and this has definitely been a bonus.

We have one child, DD, although I think I would like to have more. If it doesn't happen, however, it will just be one of those things. And whether we have more than one child or not, I will make sure DD has plenty of contact with her extended family - that;s been more of an issue with me than having no siblings.

Beveridge - interesting - I was also adopted (at 15 no). I have very, very little contact with extended family - I see an aunt perhaps once every 3/4 years and saw a cousin a couple of years ago after a gap of 25 years!

I am very aware of our lack of extended family for dd - dh's family are all in the US. We do our best to keep contact with her cousins over there.

The plot thickens as I have a full bsis and bbro who were born after my adoption - so I have a lot of baggage around the whole family/sibling.

I'm an onlie and didn't think of there being any downside until my parents died, as I now have no-one to compare notes with about my own childhood. I get the impression that I am alone now in a way that people with sibilings aren't. It's not a massively big deal but I do sometimes wish I knew more about my own childhood. Having said that people who do have siblings probably wish they knew LESS about their childhood so you can't win really can you?

Now have two DDs by two different partners- can't decide whether they're 2 onlies or not. Certainly putting up with each other does them quite a lot of good.

I feel like that prism. I had dd after my parents died and there are so many things I would like to ask about my own babyhood and childhood - but no-one to ask. It's just lost in the mists of time like the dark ages.

I

Hello onlies. Can I join? I am an only and had a rather negative view of the whole thing unlike many of your happier stories. I craved siblings, begged my parents to adopt and fantasised constantly about having a sib. Even now I regret that I have noone to share the worries of having elderly parents and a lack of aunties and uncles for the dcs.

I have 2 dcs now because I was adamant from the very beginning that if I had any dcs I would never have just one.

In spite of that, I had lovely parents and a happy childhood.

Do any of you fit the stereotype that onlies are a bit unsociable with a small circle of friends. I do.

Not really Slambang - I am pathologically sociable with too many friends so I can never keep up with everyone and get very distressed when some fade away.

One of my closest friends, however (arriving this weekend) is just as you describe - and she was the middle of 3 sisters.

So I am not convinced

Lucky you

I'm not unsociable - probably about average I would say, but I do prefer working alone. Not sure that is anything to do with being an only though.

I prefer working alone - I suspect that IS an only thing.

Possibly - but DH (one of 3) also prefers to work alone . . .

I'm an only and I HATE working alone.

Like to think I am sociable and have agood network of friends.

I think we can over analyse the only thing tbh.

I am an only and I have a very small network of friends. I am very anti-social, I really would rather not have to mix with people! I dream of being able to work for myself, am constantly laying plans. I don't recall ever wondering what it would be like to have a sibling. DS is likely to be an only too, although he does have two older step siblings so I don't suppose he is technically an only.

Hello - just thought I'd add some of my experiences here. I was an only child up to the age of 13 when my parents had my sister - by that point I had long given up asking for siblings! The only time I really remember feeling lonely was during the long, long summer holidays. In the end my parents had enough of my moaning and started to send me to holiday camps with other kids! I was also encouraged to do lots of post-school activities and had a close group of friends at my local community centre. We now have dd, who is two and likely to stay an only child (I am positively ancient at 41!). And strangely my husband - who comes from a large and very sociable family - is not keen to have more kids either. At least she is likely to have a gaggle of cousins during those school holidays...

It's really nice to hear so many positive stories from onlies. I have a sister but pretty sure DD will be an only so it's reassuring!

Prism, just want to say that both my parents have now passed away and yet I feel the same way as you, that I want to be able to ask certain things about my childhood but can't.

My sister has filled me in on the odd rare thing but in the main, she doesn't know the answers either.

I'm an only, and I don't recall ever having wished for a sibling. I don't remember ever being lonely, either - I had plenty of friends as a child and as an adolescent, and was also happy to play / read on my own. My friends seemed to be mostly other onlies, or girls with little brothers that they didn't particularly want to play with! Looking back, it was a good balance of companionship and time to myself.

Financially, there have definitely been benefits to being an only. I wouldn't say I was spoiled, but I did have a lot of opportunities that I might not have had if resources had to be shared equally with a sibling.

I did grow up with cousins nearby, so the large family dynamic was available to me in that sense. They'll also be able to share my childhood memories once my parents are no longer around. This is the only thing that gives me pause re: my DD being an only - she won't have that extended family to rely on as an adult once her dad and I are gone. Not sure this is a sufficient reason for having another DC, though.

I am an only and I hated it and still do

My dad was an alcoholic and my mum finally divorced him when I was about 10. But I remember wishing and wishing I had a sibling even before I was aware of any problems.

My beloved aunty and uncle (not blood relations) had 4 children (3 adopted), all younger than me and I so loved being in their house and so wished that my aunty was my mum. I just identified with her so much more than my mum.

And I spent most of my free time round at a friends house - she had a brother and sister, and her house just seemed busy and normal.

I think the main part of the problem was the way my mum was - she had/has such a different take on life to me. For example, not wanting to "impose" on people (ie visiting / just popping round, etc)

DrNortherner, I hate working alone too - I am so happy in my job, surrounded by loads of people and working as a team

I always wanted more than on child, because of my experiences. I would have had 3 or 4, but DH thought 2 was enough.

Actually, I think DH didn't really want to lose his position as the 3rd DC