the only child expression -dont like it

[HelenMeg]

Read on another thread here about the fact that it seems only to be in UK USA that children in 'one child families' are labelled an 'only child'.
I sometimes find myself, when people say, 'is he your only child' trying to justify myself only having one child, by saying ' Yes, I started late.. too old to have another etc etc.' Apparently, in other countries the 'only child' label doesnt exist. Similar to the fact that, in France, there is no word for 'bullying' as it is not something that they experience over there (heard that on Radio 4 today - explained by a French woman).
The more I think about it, the more I feel that the expression 'only child' has negative connotations about it - and I feel it should be banned!! JMO.

[ramonaquimby]

how many children do you have?

[AMumInScotland]

I recall another thread about this - apparently in France they are called an "enfant unique", so I think its wrong to suggest other cultures don't have a word for it.

Sorry but I think you're overreacting to a non-judgemental question. If people asked me "Is he your only child?", I answer just "Yes, just the one". No need to justify or explain anything.

It's usually just an opening question like "Gosh isn't it hot?" - it isn't really a desire to have a long discussion on climate change, just something to say.

[HelenMeg]

I have one child -and would dearly love to have had more - and for DS to have had a sibling. I do feel blessed however to have been able to have had one, having started out late in life.

AMuminScotland
Yes, I do probably overreact to what is quite probably a non judgmental question.

I guess I have a complex about it - brought on, partly at least, by some people's comments about 'only children' as if they are to be slightly pitied. Yes, people do make comments like that - maybe out of ignorance. I should be stronger and not let them affect me so much. OK? Jolly good then!

[Hulababy]

I don't mind the term "only child" but I do obkject to the idea that there is such a thing as "only child syndrome" or certain (usually negative) characteristics associated with being an only child.

[HelenMeg]

Hulababy

Thats what I was really getting at - but probably didnt express it properly. The expression 'only child' would be fine - it is the negative associations that are frustrating..

[IsItMeOr]

Hi HelenMeg, I can see you recognise you have some sensitivity about the issue, and maybe I do too, as with a young ds, plans for future children is a common topic of discussion among my fellow 1st time mums. However, I was surprised at the vehemence with which some of the others recently expressed their views on the inappropriateness of other people choosing to stick at one dc. I had thought that was the parents' business.

[ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween]

Ah, but there is also "middle child syndrome" and, quite possibly "oldest" and "youngest" syndromes too.

[Hulababy]

It does annoy me that people are are quite often shocked that DD is not an only child - because her ability to share and behave in a certain way does not fit with people's preconcieved ideas of what an only child should be like.

Children with no siblings are perfectly capable fof being happy, well adjusted, non spoilt children capable of sharing and playing nicely.

Winds me up that people seem to have such negative impressions of onlies in advance though.

[Hulababy]

That is true dragon; but thinkt he only child syndrome thing is very negative all the time, esp in terms of expected behaviour patterns.

However it is also possible that we just pick up ont he ones which matces our own family make ups. So the only child or PFB tags probably bgug me most as I am most likely to be associated with them with regards to DD

[HelenMeg]

If I'm totally honest -and it pains me a little to admit this -I think my sensitivity stems from the fact that my Mother has said on a couple of occaisions that she cant help but feel a little sorry for my DS in that he has no siblings to play with..

She was just being honest but tactless. I think her generation has different views(she is 74). I guess I started feeling I was letting my DS down by not having another. So I am sensitive about it. But I know I'm not the only one. There are great advantages to being an only child - pros and cons as with everything. Anyway, there are an increasing number of one child families and I'd like to think I will overcome my sensitivity and start promoting the benefits!

[AMumInScotland]

I guess to an extent it depends who is making the comments, and whether you are personally affected by them - so of course if your own mother seems to think badly of your choices, that's going to hurt. Plus, if you would have liked to have more, and feel sad/guilty about the situation, then it's going to be worse.

For me, I guess it was easy - my parents expressed a bit of surprise that I'd decided he was going to stay an only (when he was still tiny), but were reassured that we weren't either of us about to get sterilised. I think they thought we'd change our minds, and just left us to it!

I don't think anyone has ever made me feel bad about our choice - I've sometimes wondered myself, but not because of any stereotypes anyone else has come out with. But DS has never behaved in a "typical only" way, so I no-one has had an opening to criticise me on those grounds. Or maybe they did and I just didn't notice?

Anyway, I think the key is to feel ok about your decision, or the situation if it wasn't your decision. People will always find things to criticise - currently it seems like anything other than 2 (or possibly 3 if you're apologetic) is considered odd.

[Adryath]

"I have one child -and would dearly love to have had more"

And in a nutshell, that's why, IMHO at least, you have a problem with the term "only child".

For me (and others like me I assume), who only ever wanted one child and so only had one child, I wouldn't bat an eyelid at the term "only child" and if someone asked me if my son was my ony child I'd reply "yes" and think no more of it.

For others I suppose, who have expereincved infertility or are otherwise unhappy about having just one child, I suppose the term encapsulates or brings home all the negative felings they have about their experiences.

I actually think something like "unique child" is horribly patronising because all children are unique, no matter how many of them you have.

I totally agree with you however, that the notion that there is some sort of "only child personality" is utterly preposterous, totally ignorant and misinformed.

I could also cheerfully strangle the ignorant morons who go around (and unfortunately pop up on this board from time to time) spouting all sorts of crap about only children being somehow disadvantaged in life.

[Sparks]

'Enfant unique' in French doesn't mean the same as 'unique child' in English. It's more like 'single child'.

OP if people judge you for having only one child, it's them who have the problem.

[HelenMeg]

Anyway, I think the key is to feel ok about your decision, or the situation if it wasn't your decision. People will always find things to criticise - currently it seems like anything other than 2 (or possibly 3 if you're apologetic) is considered odd.

I think you are right.

[MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe]

I agree that it's not the "only child" tag that's the issue, it's the assumptions and other baggage that gets attached to it.

I've noticed in other threads here that some people assume that everything about an only child can be explained in terms of their lack of siblings. Disclaimer: the following are invented examples and no reference to anyone's real dilemmas is intended -

child is very confident and outgoing - Diagnosis: it's because they're an only child desperate for company

child is very shy and reserved - Diagnosis: it's because they're an only child who's never learnt to socialise

child becomes brain surgeon - Diagnosis: only children are high achievers, living out their parents' expectations

child drops out of uni to become a roadsweeper - Diagnosis: only children lack focus because they've always been the apple of their parents' eye and haven't had to work for anything

And so it goes on. What grates with me is both the only child stereotype (which gets trotted out with boring regularity) and the way in which people contrive to explain everything in terms of the child's status as on only child. Sometimes, things just are, and the presence or absence of siblings has got nothing to do with it (although I frequently have to remind myself of this, because I still tend to ask myself too often whether what my child is or isn't doing is because she is an only child).

This doesn't seem to happen so much in discussions of children with siblings. Do people come along on other parenting threads and say "Aha! It's because they're the youngest/the middle child/the only boy amongst four sisters". I doubt that anyone would be so glib and that, in the end, is what I find so irritating - the assumption that they know everything there is to know about my child because she's an only. Hey ho.

[daisy99divine]

MadBad I do wholly agree with you on the "only" stereotype-as-explanation-for-all-things

But I think there are other "placing" stereotypes, in particular with first born

"he's shy/ stiff/ anxious" - because he's the first born and carries the weight of parental anxiety/ expectation

and middle borns
"he is emotionally overthe top/ closed up/ anxious/ laid back/ attention seeking - because he's trying to find his place as the middle child...

I think the truth is people comment by stereotype a great deat

[colditz]

My ex was an only child and he does feel that he was disadvantaged by that. He remembers feeling very lonely as a child.

To get a clearer picture, why don't you ask some adults if they feel badly or positively about having been an only child?

[MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe]

Daisy - Yes, but do you think the birth order stereotypes get wheeled out as frequently as the only child one? My impression is that they don't, but maybe that's because I haven't been looking hard enough.

Colditz - I don't mean to disparage anyone's feelings, but I feel more and more strongly that (as I read somewhere else on MN recently) the plural of anecdote isn't data. The difficulty, I think, with anyone's autobiography is that we are not reliable witnesses to our own lives. Of course, it saddens me when any adult without siblings reports having been lonely as a child, but it also raises the question for me of whether there are personality factors involved - some people are by their nature reserved and self-contained - and whether having a sibling would actually have made any difference. Siblings don't always provide much company for each other, especially if there's a big age gap and/or they're the other sex. So I can see why anybody might feel that a sibling would have changed their life in whatever way, but that's actually unknowable because it's the life that hasn't been led. I'm not sure that I'm explaining it very well, but what I'm trying to suggest is that we all project backwards - my life would have been different if this had happened - but we may be mistaken.

We do quite often hear on here from adult onlies, who have had a very wide range of experiences, from the negative to the very positive.

[navelgazer]

Some anecdotes!

My mother was the youngest of nine and has frequently said she was very lonely as a child.

A very good friend has 2 brothers (without a big age gap)and says she was lonely/spent a lot of her childhood on her own.

And while we're at it - I have the full 'burden' of looking after my elderly mother, she is lucky to get one yearly visit from my brother.

[BigGapMum]

I tell people that I have two only childs! DS1 was 22 and had left home when DS2 was born. How bad a mother does that make me then?

[paisleyleaf]

I have one. I prefer 'only child' to singleton.

[MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe]

BigGapMum - Wow! Ooops, sorry, was I supposed to be condemning you? What is like, starting again after such a big gap?

Navelgazer - My mother was the youngest of several too and also felt lonely. Children her age had mostly been evacuated (wartime) and her older siblings were leading their own lives.

[BigGapMum]

It's like being a first-time mum all over again, only now I'm enjoying it much more as I'm much more relaxed about everything and we don't have the money problems that we had back then. Also DS2 has a different dad to DS1.

[SmallSCREAMCap]

I agree with MadBad about anecdotes not equalling data, but since I haven't time to do a survey my experiences are these: when DD was an only and looked set to stay that way, I was astonished at others' expectations that she would be lonely or unhappy for it. Any misbehaviour on her part would be attributed to being an only, e.g. "not knowing how to share with others" (what 2 year old truly does?!) and any good behaviour also attributed to her need to adapt, e.g. if drawing a picture quietly "I expect she has had to learn to entertain herself, hasn't she?" in sad tones.

6 years later, here is a surprise DS and I'm astonished at how many people have expressed their relief for DD that she now has a sibling. One person insists that our family is now "completed" . We haven't spent the last 6-7 years of our lives pining sadly for a sibling, but it's hard to convince anyone else of this! To complicate things we miscarried an unplanned baby after DD, which was of course very sad, but not in the straightforward "desperately trying to complete family and failing" way that some wanted to paint it.

As usual, young families are targets for projection from others about what they feel to be correct, & what their hopes and fears for family life are. Try and recognise any criticism or judgement as being about the other person's issues and not about yours where you can.

My 2 best friends are both only children and they both say that they loved it. One says that she was often asked by strangers "Don't you want a brother or sister?" and she would reply "Not likely!"

I once read an article about only children that ended "Only kids are all right - get over us!"

[MadBadAndWieldingAnAxe]

That's a lovely post, Smallscreamcap. And you made me snort with laughter at your description of other people's attitudes - "I expect she has had to learn to entertain herself, hasn't she?" in sad tones.