Help me to feel positive about my decision please!

(24 Posts)
Elvander Wed 16-Nov-16 17:51:08

I have one dd (2) who I love to bits, but we've had a difficult time with reflux, cmpi, generally pretty high maintenance and ongoing crap sleep. I've had PND (currently on ADs and have had CBT) and I honestly don't think I could put myself (or DH) through it all again. We have discussed it at great length and have decided that we're happy as a family of 3.

The problem is that all of my antenatal friends have either had baby no. 2 or are currently pregnant, and every pregnancy announcement makes me want to curl up and cry. I WANT to want to do it all again, but the thought of those early months in particular makes me feel incredibly anxious. I'm no spring chicken so unfortunately waiting for a few years isn't an option.

I'm so grateful to have dd - in spite of the difficulties she's the best thing ever - I'm just struggling to come to terms with the decision to not even try to have another baby. I know that it's the right decision for us as a family, but I just feel like a bit of a failure for not being able to cope sad

Please help me to put my big girl pants on, count my blessings and stop feeling so sorry for myself!

Famalam13 Sat 19-Nov-16 19:18:52

All I can say is that if you are a failure for not feeling that you could cope with a second then so am I! Please don't worry about what others are doing, you feel this is the right decision for your family and that is all that matters smile

Perhaps try to focus on the positives such as the time you can dedicate to DD as well as the fact that you are protecting your health this way?

Pumpkingirl Sun 20-Nov-16 20:27:13

Don't feel like you've failed - it sounds as if you are making a responsible decision for your family. Your DD needs a happy, healthy mum!

I am in a similar situation and the more time passes the more at peace I feel with the decision. Pregnancy announcements and lovely babies always spark a little sadness but we are a happy family of three and looking forward to the future!

Pocketsizedpixie Sun 20-Nov-16 20:32:18

My experience first time round was very similar to yours. I wasnt sure I could do it all again, but talked myself into it. I'm now 37 weeks with DC2, I thought after 9 months that I would be feeling better about it, but I think I have made the wrong decision. I should have been more secure in my feelings, I think you are very strong to not have given in to external pressures.

RandomMess Sun 20-Nov-16 20:35:40

My 3rd baby was like yours, it was the most horrific time in our lives I still remember vividly and she's 13!!!

If she had been my first I can't imagine there would have ever been another...

You are doing what is right for you as a family here and right now and that is all that matters.

If you need to grieve for what you thought would be that is okay too flowers

SaltyRock Sun 20-Nov-16 20:39:33

I adore having just one child. It was a difficult decision but the best one ever.

LifeLong13 Sun 20-Nov-16 20:42:35

We have one DD who is 15 months. We had CMPI, screaming, she still doesn't sleep for longer than 2.5 hours at a time! And we are trying for no2 in the new year- but I remember the hell of the first 4 months. I was a wreck. Maybe not PND but very close to it. I'm living in hope that no2 will be easier 1- because I'll know what CMPI is and won't spend the first 9 weeks of their life thinking WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS! And 2- I'm praying they'll sleep confused
But I understand where you're coming from. I hope this time I will have more self awareness and be better at asking for help
flowers

LifeLong13 Sun 20-Nov-16 20:43:16

And you haven't failed! No way!

JeepersMcoy Sun 20-Nov-16 20:46:44

We have stuck at 1 for very similar reasons. As others have said you re not a failiure, you have made the decision for the sake of your whole family. My dd has now reached the age where she is asking for a sibling and that has made me question myself, but in the end I feel it is far more important that she has parents that are happy and in good mental health than has a sibling, but a mother who can't manage. I just know I would not cope with a second child, but dd will be just fine as an only.

RueDeDay Sun 20-Nov-16 20:50:42

I was forced to stop at one due to relationship breakdown, and was sad about it for years. DD is now 6, and I really enjoy being able to invite a friend over for her to get social & play with, but take them home when it starts getting argumentative!! There are definitely bonuses to only having one.

Ellieboolou27 Sun 20-Nov-16 20:56:58

My first dd was very much longed for after several losses, however I had a terrible time when she was born. People would say " how wonderful you must feel, bet your in your element" all I felt was worn out and depressed! Even now at 4 she's very hard work and I think partly that was due to my anxiety which I suffered when she was born.

i have 2 now, but wasn't planned as had fertility issues, I really regretted having her for the first 3-4 months, I don't feel like this now, love her to bits, however it's so bloody hard.

I'm almost 40 with a 4 yo and 14 month old and I've lost who I once was.

Family of 3 is perfect if it is what suits you, there is no right amount of children but I do know the more you have the harder it is, and in my experience as they get older it gets harder. smile

relaxitllbeok Sun 20-Nov-16 20:57:02

I have one, now a teen. He's totally delightful, and he says he hopes to have an only child himself one day.

Elvander Mon 21-Nov-16 06:40:35

Thank you so much for your replies - I sometimes feel like I'm the only person in this situation (ridiculous, I know) so it's nice to hear from others who understand where I'm coming from.

I'm actually from a family of 3 myself - I had a really happy childhood so I'm not sure why I'm beating myself up about this! I guess it's because I'm choosing not to try whereas my mum desperately wanted another but eventually gave up after multiple losses. I definitely agree that a happy family of 3 is better than a miserable family of 4 with an unwell mummy.

I'm feeling much better about everything today - fingers crossed that there are no more pregnancy announcements this week! (Although I am of course delighted for all my friends smile)

Famalam13 Mon 21-Nov-16 14:58:45

I forgot to mention I often ask DH what is wrong with us that we can't cope with one in the way others can with multiple DC. You aren't the only one wondering about this flowers

Elvander Mon 21-Nov-16 15:34:44

Yes, that's a conversation that DH and I have had many times. I keep telling myself that every child is different, and indeed every parent is different, and so comparison with other families is pointless. It doesn't stop me doing it though!

flowers for everyone who has found/is finding it tough

Elvander Mon 21-Nov-16 15:48:59

Pocketsizedpixie I'm sorry to hear that you're doubting your decision to have baby no. 2 sad I remember reading something on here about how you manage (somehow...) because you have no other option. It's not how I expect anybody really wants to feel about an impending arrival but hopefully it will be as a pp said - pretty awful for the first few months but then you realise that you love them to bits and wouldn't be without them. Or even better, you might end up with one of those dream babies that my friends all seem to have!

snugglemelons Mon 21-Nov-16 15:58:13

We're only having 1 baby too. He's been a good baby, but of reflux but no major problems. To be honest I just can't imagine doing it all again, I can't bare the though of being pregnant and running round after a little one. Or giving birth again. Or having a newborn again.

I've loved every moment with ds obviously, good or bad, but I wouldn't do it again and I'm happy with my decision.

I'm was an only child until I was 17, and I really loved my childhood. I don't feel like I missed out on anything at all.

Just think, your baby will get more time with you, you will have more money to spend on just 1, maybe more opportunity to take them places etc.

Don't feel bad about it cakeflowers

Ellieboolou27 Mon 21-Nov-16 20:14:51

I totally agree famalam I have 2 and never seem to cope, I wonder why others find having more than 1 seem to manage, it's almost as if I'm wishing away my kids childhood, actually I can truthfully say I'm not coping well with 2. Stick to your guns there is absolutely nothing wrong with having one child and it's not selfish as some would imply, it's called saving your sanity smile

Joinourclub Mon 21-Nov-16 20:20:51

Two kids is a lot harder than one. With the first there are two of you working together to deal with this one little baby. When it sleeps you get a bit of peace / time together. But with two it's different. There are two of them! When the baby sleeps the elder child needs attention! You often find that parent A deals with one while and parent B is somewhere else with the other. There is much much less time to yourself or as a couple. I'm finding it much harder than I expected. I think it is easier to be a better parent and partner when you have only one.

qumquat Mon 21-Nov-16 20:28:45

I am loving having one. No way on earth could I do a newborn and maternity leave again. I love spending time with my 3yo so much and another baby would mean I couldn't relax and enjoy her in the way I do now. Unusually none of my Nct group have had second dc either. it does help to make me feel more normal.

Rockandrollwithit Thu 24-Nov-16 20:39:46

I have one DS, he is 2 and a half. I had a difficult pregnancy followed by a traumatic birth, DS had reflux and I had PND.

In my head I quite like the idea of having another child but the reality absolutely terrifies me. I'm scared to risk the happiness I have clawed back and worry about the impact on all of us if I developed PND again.

I haven't fully made up my mind but can't see myself having another child.

Rioriorio Mon 28-Nov-16 17:28:25

I'm glad of this thread. My first was a delight, we breezed through, she slept and fed well and I have no reason not to like motherhood....I just don't.

Have just had yet another 'uh oh' moment and tested 1 day before and 2days after my period was due - both test negative but still no period :/ The stress/relief cycle of this is putting me through the wringer all the time. I feel like my fertility is a boobytrap! I love sex and me and hubby have an active sexlife but it comes with such worry for me. I'm wondering if I should just stop messing about and get sterilised?

Hubby is very laid back, he would tolerate more children but is happy to stick at one. Like me, he's a good dad but doesn't enjoy it as such. He's a bit iffy about getting the snip just yet though...

kitkat321 Fri 02-Dec-16 22:33:46

Post like this really make me feel better!

I have a 2 year old dd. I have tried to have another but I have a habit of miscarrying in the early weeks.

When I think about my motivation for having another - it's not because I yearn for another baby - babies are ok - toddlers are much more fun (and hard work!), it's because me and DP have siblings so it feels like the "norm!! It's also partly to give dd some sort of family connection for when dh and I pass on - as morbid as that sounds.

There is also an element of pressure from peers - a fair few of the women from my NCT class are now pregnant with their second - again reinforcing that this is generally the norm.

These don't feel like the right reasons to have another - it doesn't help thought that the friends that I have that are an only child are all a bit odd and spoiled! However I love the idea that I can focus all of my love and time on my dd and give her all of the opportunities I never had having come from a poor backgroup. And although I have a sibling who I love, I rarely see him/speak to him - I'm probably just as close to some of my cousins.

If I could guarantee another dd and guarantee that they'd have a good bond when they are older than I'd be more inclined to go for it but you never know do you!

I think I'm going to hang around in this part of the forum more often where having an only child is not just the norm but embraced!!

TheABC Sat 03-Dec-16 08:52:44

Currently shattered as baby fed all night, then toddler jumped on me this morning as soon as it was dawn. Speaking as the mother of two children, I am only coping with massive amounts of tea and the faint hope of sleep in two years time!

It's hard when you see everyone else on the baby train, but that does not mean comforming to the average family size will make you any happier. It sounds like you have made a good decision and everyone in your family will benefit from it.

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