My 11 years old son can not keep his friends anymore, What is the problem!!!!

(12 Posts)
Pani6161 Mon 18-Jul-16 11:11:43

Hello Everyone. My Son is 11 years old, he is a very bright boy, doing really well in school both in academic and sport, however, I have recently noticed that he struggles to make friends. He almost complain about every other boys and call them mean. I can see that his circle of friends is become tighter and tighter. his teachers absolutely love him, but he is no longer popular between his mates. I have started to think maybe there is something wrong with him! I would appreciate to share your experiences with me if you have ever been in this situation.

Pani6161 Mon 25-Jul-16 18:06:13

Any idea please?

FaFoutis Mon 25-Jul-16 18:10:01

Is this recent? I have an 11 year old and his frienships are shifting a lot at the moment. He is finding out what sort of person he is, what he likes, and his old friendships don't seem to fit so well.

Clutteredmess Mon 25-Jul-16 18:14:31

Is he perhaps being big headed and arrogant about his abilities?

EveryoneElsesMumSaidYes Mon 25-Jul-16 20:22:59

Will he be in yr 7 in September? That will be a huge change for him and maybe in a good way. Many children aren't really sociable so as long as he's got one or two friends that's fine. At this age they go through a lot of changes, whereas once just being the same age and liking the same tv program would make them best friends he'll no start becoming a little more selective, you may find that he goes through a stage where he barely leaves his room!

Pani6161 Wed 27-Jul-16 22:45:05

EveryoneElsesMumSaidYes yes he will be in year 7 in September. apparently he call everyone mean and annoying, teachers, friends, everyone.
I can see that he is not part of boy's circle inside and outside the school anymore. That makes me worried that he becoming a loaner, how on earth he call everyone mean!

WeAllHaveWings Wed 27-Jul-16 23:42:38

Ds friendship circle is changing a lot just now, he seems to be ok, but I can see one or two of his or the groups previous friends becoming a little isolated and their mums are worried.

In some cases it's because the dc regularly won't compromise if the rest of the group want to do something else, they refuse to engage with what the majority want to do and go home calling the other children mean or annoying (ime other children get fed up with this easily), then it gets to the point the child stops being involved and eventually the friendships diminish. They expect their friends to be loyal and battering down their door to get them to come out to play, but 11 years olds can be fickle and play with whoever is most fun at the time. Ds has been guilty of coming home if the group doesn't want to do what he wants, but thankfully not too often so far.

Another reason is when some of the group have more freedom/independence. The larger group want to spread their wings and don't want held back by the child who's parents won't let them go to the local shop/country park in a group. The child is embarrassed they aren't allowed so don't vocalise it to their friends and again start to lose the connection to the group or individuals in the group.

these are, like ds, usually only children, who need to learn the world doesnt always revolve around them or have parents who are more protective, or they are slightly behind in social maturity from the rest of the children. Hopefully they'll find new likeminded friends, or will reengage with the groups as they mature and are given more freedom.

I find ds, so far, stays connected with his closest friends by having sleepovers and inviting a couple of them to activities occasionally. If he was having trouble with his group I'd encourage him to invite over/out other children who are maybe of the same ilk.

user1469425584 Thu 28-Jul-16 05:41:39

Tell your son to not to listen to what others call him, just tell him to ignore them. It is a phase that every kids go through. Kids don't mean half the things that they say.Just tell your son to hold his head high and not bother them and stick with the friends that really appreciate having his company.

WeAllHaveWings Thu 28-Jul-16 09:21:57

user op doesn't say her son is being called names, he is calling the other children mean, annoying etc.

Pani6161 Thu 28-Jul-16 12:10:45

WeAllHaveWings thank you very much. you are absolutely right about other children who have more freedom, but I don't give that freedom to my child since I think he is still to young . his friends parent don't mind if their children watch those you tubers who are swearing all the time or go to park or... on their own,however my dc is not allowed. I can see he becoming more isolated these days. Do you think I should be more relax and give him this freedom?

WeAllHaveWings Thu 28-Jul-16 14:52:19

Do you think I should be more relax and give him this freedom?

Every 11 year old is different and maturing at different rates, some 11 year old dc I know are way too immature for extra freedom, only you know your child (and the type of areas he would be playing in, and the children he would be playing with) and whether he is ready for more responsibility.

I am a worrier, but I recognise that so I always give ds just a little bit more freedom than I am comfortable with.

ds has not long turned 12 and we've been giving him more and more scope this year. I won't lie and say its all been okay, he or his friends have made some bad decisions or got into slightly sticky situations, but tbh I think that is the only way they will develop and learn. I am lucky that he is very open with me and we can talk through situations and how he could have handled them differently.

If you think it through and don't think your ds is ready yet for a little bit more freedom, there is nothing wrong with that but if you can try to help him find other friends who are at the same stage as him so he does continue to develop socially. I think parents should be actively giving their dc more responsibility all the time (whether it is more freedom for life experiences or more household chores!), if they handle it great, if not rein them back in a bit.

Spud90 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:26:14

I changed my friends a lot at that age too. I think I had different friends every year until I was 13/14. I don't ever remember my mum asking me why or what was going on and I have no idea what I would have said if she did. I don't think you should give him more freedom just to fit in with his friends. He will find other friends. Do what you're comfortable with and what you think is right.

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