My DH doesn't want another...

(10 Posts)
lighthouse17 Thu 23-Jun-16 11:03:58

I am sorry for writing another thread about this but it's eating me up. It's getting worse as all of my friends are pregnant with number 2s sad
Our DD is nearly 3 and I am still thinking of another child constantly. I am sure there are lots of women can related to this feeling but I am obsessed. Here is the bad thing my husband feels the opposite, arghhhhsad
I managed to get some information from my husband as to why he doesn't want another child. He says time, money, how tired we are already, no family to help near by, I do agree with these but to me these can be overcome, Because I want to have another child, those things doesn't feel so bad to me and I just think that we can make it work. I am sure if he wanted another baby, he would make it work too.
Unlike some couples we never talked about kids before getting married as we were 21 years old when we got married, and we travelled, and did sooo much for like 15 years before even thinking about kids. He is saying to me if it was up to him he wouldn't have any children but because I wanted one and he agreed and he loves being a dad and sooo happy with our DD but he doesn't have any urge to have another. Oh by the way he is sooo hands on with her. He actually wants to do more with her and loves it.
My husband is sooo happy with the family he has now. Who wins this argument? Do I just need to get used to the idea of having an only? I think its looking that way as I don't want to upset our current family. It's just soooo hard, and I am also 38 years old and time is not on my side. I already feel better writing my thoughts here as I don't have anyone to talk to , all of my friends are having number 2ssad
Anyone else is obsessed like me? is this normal to be like this? Why can't I just move on with my life? Would I ever feel content?

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 23-Jun-16 11:16:12

As to who wins, no one really wins I think, but the bottom line is you can't force your husband to have another child.

It is so unfortunate that you feel differently about having another and I can see why that would turn into an obsession. The danger is it will turn into a resentment of your husband, especially in 10 years time when another may be impossible for you die to your age.

This is the kind of situation there is little or no helpful advice for, another child isn't an option without your husband's agreement so it's plan b time - learn to accept or leave for the possibility of meeting someone else who wants kids?

lighthouse17 Thu 23-Jun-16 11:30:20

I love him sooo much to even thinking of leaving him. He is the best person and best husband. We don't usually disagree with anything else, and he is a very calm and understanding person. I don't think I can meet anyone else as kind as him, thats why I wouldn't leave him and thats why I find it really hard to accept that we are so different when it comes to having children. I actually think that if I force him he might (might!) have another but this might put pressure in our relationship so thats why I am really scared into pushing him. I wish were younger where I had years in front of me to have another child but we are not and I can feel that we are getting older as we haven't got the same energy as before and having a second child at 40 without any family help is quite scary.
arghhh I wish it was a simple and I could just move on

MyKingdomForBrie Thu 23-Jun-16 11:45:44

Definitely don't force him. Your only option is acceptance - how you get there I'm not sure but it needs to start by getting your head round the fact that you cannot change this - you will only have one child.

EthelDurant123 Thu 23-Jun-16 13:08:38

I have one, she is nearly 10. After she was born, I didn't want another. My husband kept on and on about it but I had a bad experience giving birth to her, I couldn't handle babyhood very well, we lived in a tiny two bed flat and were financially stretched with childcare costs. My husband was still broody, maybe he still is, I think, but there are practicalities. I sound cold, I don't mean to be, but I had to put my foot down. My daughter is happy and has a good relationship with us both, and goes to play with her friends nearby regularly, so she isn't lonely. I know it's hard, you imagined a larger family, but you cannot change your husband's mind. It's impossible.

lighthouse17 Thu 23-Jun-16 14:43:24

Yes, I don't think I can change his mind and even if he agrees , he would be doing it for me and I wouldn't want that. What's your opinion on that? Is there anyone that their husband agreed to have another child for their wife? is this such a bad thing? can your husband resent you for this? Or would it be that he would fall in love with the child and be happy?

So I just think I need to find a way to accept it and move on. I might need counselling for this because I just don't think I can do this on my own sad

chalky3 Thu 23-Jun-16 14:48:57

It's not about who 'wins' the argument, it's about what is best for your family. As others have said, you cannot force your husband to want another child so sadly, you'll have to accept that if you plan to spend your life with him.

I, like Ethel have one Dc and although I originally wanted two. That changed after suffering failed pregnancies, one of which nearly killed me. Sometimes DH suggests having another but though my pregnancy with DS went smoothly, I'm not prepared to risk going though the trauma of TTC again, besides which, there are several other reasons for us not to. DH understands this. DS is happy and extremely sociable so we're not worried about him being lonely at all. Yours will be fine too, please don't worry about that.

If need be try to arrange some counselling to deal with your feelings about this, and avoid you possibly resenting your DH as time goes on.

MaGratgarlik1983 Mon 11-Jul-16 17:41:51

I don't have any advice but wanted to say that I am in a similar position. DH and I met at 18 and married at 24. We barely talked about kids. I turned 30 and like a switch I knew I wanted children and when DH finally agreed two years later he made me so happy. He isn't good with change and worried what would happen to our relationship etc. Now DS is almost one and he is so happy, a really great dad. But it's eating me up inside that I want to try for another and he has said no. I'm feeling quite upset about it. I'm not really sure what the answer is. It's the lack of control over the future that gets me and my best years to conceive slipping by. I hope you can make peace with it all.

Lirogiro Sun 24-Jul-16 09:21:59

Hi lighthouse, I am in the same situation. I met dp in my mid twenties and we talked about having 2 children. We then had a traumatic time when ds was born as he had to be in a neonatal unit which affected dp badly.
He doesn't want to have another child, partly because of that and partly because he's happy as things are.
I feel devastated. I respect his decision but I really did want another baby so feel angry that he is making a decision that effects me so much.
Hope things improve for you.

branofthemist Sun 24-Jul-16 09:33:36

This is one of those situations where no one wins, as po have said.

However I think forcing people into having a child is a very bad idea. For the relationship and for the children involved.

Also, how do you know if you have number 2, that you won't still want more and still end up broody? Even if is not physically possible?

You could end up with 2 kids, a crap relationship (or separated) and still feel desperate for a third.

My mum is still broody now at 62. Se believes it will never go away regardless of her age or how many she had.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now