Need help - or a shoulder shake

[1BunOldie]

Background needed, so sorry for the long story...I am mid 40s, with a H and beautiful 2 yo DS, the light of our lives. We are very very lucky: after a couple of failed rounds of IVF, with very low chances of future success we went for the better-odds option of donor egg (NHS+clinic abroad) followed by a wonderful pregnancy and easy birth. For the first time EVER I am now unable to make a decision...do we try for another? We have one egg 'on ice' and therefore it really is one last chance. H is in a quandary too but he will stick by my decision.

There are several factors for trying: (1) guilt about being older parents who will die earlier than some of DS's peers, leaving DS without sibling support (2) it will be a little bit harder for DS, being a 'donor egg child'; having a sibling would probably make it easier to deal with (3) it would be lovely to have another child...

And there are several factors against: (1) H is freelance and usually works very long hours, often away up North and there are many weeks during which he doesn't see DS; I work 4 day weeks; childrearing is mainly on my shoulders and therefore I am really tired a lot of the time (2) our marriage has been under stress; we still love each other and no one else is involved, we have been going to counselling for over a year to resolve but there are still problems - we are trying to get on better but often not doing very well at all and we go round and round in circles (3) we realise the many benefits of sticking with just one...

Please help, or shoulder-shake! I don't mind being pointed to something glaringly obvious that hasn't occurred to me but please be gentle because I am feeling fragile. TIA

[Squirrel78]

I think that as long as you've got that egg on ice, you're always going to wonder about it. I can't tell you what to do but if guilt is your number one reason for doing something then it's probably not a good idea. Sounds like you have enough to cope with right now and it's perfectly fine to acknowledge that and make the decision that's best for your relationship and your mental health which in turn will be the best for your daughter in the long run.

[unmapped]

My Dh is an only child in his mid thirties whose parents are both terminally ill. He is living through what we all (me included) fear for our only children. But he is ok. He has friends, extended family and of course me. He is not going through it alone. So I would discount that reason from your thoughts.

Instead, concentrate on his life and happiness. Will your marriage cope with two children? Are there changes you need to make to ensure that happens? Can your husband's career be a bit more stable for a few years? Can you get regular childcare during maternity leave? All of your son's coping strategies for when he is older (eg dealing with the donor egg issue) will be helped by him feeling loved and secure as a child. I would prioritise that above giving him a sibling, but of course they are not mutually exclusive!

In short, if you want another baby and think you can adjust your lives accordingly, then go for it. If you are doing it out of guilt and a sense of what if? then I would spend more time talking and thinking it over

[Squirrel78]

Sorry I meant son not daughter!

[1BunOldie]

Thank you Squirrel78 and unmapped. I really appreciate your thoughts. It is helping a lot to share. DH is finding it very useful too.

We have until November to decide whether we pay for another year's storage for the egg. I'd like to decide by then because I feel we are in limbo and can't move forward. Our situation will remain the same as my husband is not in a position
to change careers without starting from scratch which we can't afford right now. It's not during the daytime that's the struggle, as DS is in nursery when I work, but it's early mornings and evenings - and some weekends - the times when I'm on my own trying to cope.

We have a lot to mull over but I am veering towards sticking with one since pouring out my heart here and having seen your replies. I haven't completely made up my mind because my head says 'no, impossible' but my hormones say the opposite (heart is divided!). I guess many women pang for another baby at times, even when they actually don't want/ can't have another.

Thank you.