I feel so inadequate.

[freshstart24]

I'm a lone parent to my 8yo DS. He is the light of my life, and luckily is mostly a lovely ray of sunshine.

We have come away for Easter with some very close friends- they are a family with a Dd (15) and DS (11). We've come to a place I know well, so the dynamic is that I'm sort of the host.

DS is an only child, not by choice. Complications when he was born meant I cannot have more children. He has lots of friends and I think he's pretty social.

DS idolises the son of my friends. Unfortunately the feeling isn't mutual and he has no interest in DS and sort of tolerates him. I guess I understand that he has every right not to have to interact much with DS, but it's quite hard to watch my enthusiastic little boy being rejected over and over when trying to offer a game of footie, DVD, windsurfing, tennis, crabbing etc..

Today has been really hard as my friends are a very close family, they are lovely to me but there have been lots of lovely family moments- group hugs, family photos, in jokes which have left me so conscious that what I have with DS is lacking in so many ways.

The saddest part of the day for me was when the dad of the family went to play footie with the son, who told my DS that he couldn't go because they needed some time just the two of them. I'm sorry if I sound bitter- I don't mean to be, I know they have every right to time together without DS hanging around. But it was heartbreaking to see DSs face. He asked me what he should do differently so he could join in, all I could say was sometimes older children choose not to play with younger ones, and perhaps if he backed off things might change.

I have tried to make up for things while we are away, by making my own fun with DS- but I feel a huge weight on my shoulders because I feel I'm not enough for him. Given the choice he would want a family like these friends for himself, and that is what he deserves.

I'm so sad, I love him so much and I'm so overwhelmed by all of this that I'm constantly on the verge of tears.

We do have fun just the two of us, and we have our own tiny group hugs. DS enjoys school, does lots of stuff and has plenty of friends. But when I'm around people like this I realise home is where the heart is and I feel terrible that I can't give him what he needs.

I need to pull myself together and make the most of this weekend. Any wise words would be so helpful!

have more children.

[Husbanddoestheironing]

It is probably more an age-related thing. 11 yr olds are v conscious they are more 'grown up'. You are 'enough' for him- you love him, care for him, are there for him. Families come in different shapes and sizes, better a happy small one than an unhappy large one (not saying your friends are unhappy, but some families definitely are). Does your DS do other activities outside school? Team sports like football, rugby or music/orchestras etc can be very good for a feeling of belonging if you can find one you like the feel of. Try and be confident because it rubs off. Your son is lucky to have you and you him. Hold on to that.

[Husbanddoestheironing]

Also maybe in future when with others make a point of you two also need 'special time' that no one else can come on? The feeling of conspiracy may help?

[Bluestocking]

You poor thing, I wish I could give you a hug. Of course you can give your DS what he needs - every child needs a happy family, and a family of two is just as much a family as any other.

I feel annoyed with your friends - we are a family of three with a DS of 11, and if we were on holiday with a mother and son who was a few years younger, I know that my DS would join in with most if not all of the younger boy's suggestions, and make plenty of suggestions of his own for things to do together. And I can be certain that my DP would include the younger boy in "dads and lads" activities. And the group hugs and in-jokes? Kept to a minimum, we don't need to display to anyone else what a tight unit we are. I wonder if it would be worth having a quiet word with whichever of the couple you know better and ask them to ask their son to be a little bit kinder to your boy?

It sounds to me as though you are doing a great job with your lovely boy. Don't let the feeling that someone else's family is "better" spoil your holiday.

[TerryTheGreenHorse]

It's pretty bloody mean of that dad to leave your DS out.

When we go away with friends we wouldn't exclude a child like that.

[53Dragon]

My health visitor once said to me 'Stop trying to be a perfect parent - doing your best is good enough'. Wise words You sound lovely - stop beating yourself up over this

[TerryTheGreenHorse]

Oh sorry was it the son that said that?

It's awkward younger boys do tend to want to hang out with older ones and of course they probably find them a bit annoying - I'd be annoyed if it was the dad that said it but as you're currently still there I'd make the best of it.

Could you suggest a big game for everyone tomorrow, rounders, day out something like that?

[freshstart24]

husband thank you for replying. It's lovely to see on a screen that I'm enough for him.

I will try to set up something just for the two of us, sadly I don't think DS will be up for it was he is so desperate to be with the others- but it's worth a try! Also, as I'm host I'm putting pressure on myself to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves, so disappearing off will feel a bit wierd!

DS does lots of things outside school, none of them are particularly team games though. I'm going to have a think about encouraging him to try a few things which may help him feel a sense of belonging. Thanks for the suggestion.

[Parsley1234]

I am a lone parent of ds 11 we went on a holiday with two other families with mum dad siblings and the two boys from each family were awful to my son it was heart breaking but my son made his own friends and had a great time. I totally get how you feal I think your friends have been insensitive and the boy rude for not letting your son join in the football. I have felt I the past not enough family for my son but it is what it us I love him so much and better a small loving family of two than unhappy larger.

[freshstart24]

Wow thank you all for being so kind- Mumsnet to the rescue!

I don't think I have the guts to say anything to my friends. Ontop of being a terrible people pleaser, I don't want to reinforce the stereotype of parent to an only child expecting everyone to bend over backwards to keep the PFB happy.....

[besterboo]

Don't cry. Your DS is lucky to have a mum who loves him so much. Count your blessings, and his. You are what he needs above all.

Age gaps are tricky, my only DS is 4 years younger than his big cousin- sometimes they play well, other times not so much. But that's just how kids are, don't take it personally.

Have a lovely time with your friends, don't let jealousy spoil your fun, you are doing a great job!

[TerryTheGreenHorse]

No I probably wouldn't say anything but I would be thinking about going on holiday with other people next year.

I go away with a crowd of people sometimes with different size families and different make ups and if there was a game of footie everyone would be able to play, it seems really mean to go out without your Ds when they know he's been keen to play with the other one.

You sound lovely, no family is perfect but don't let this make you feel inadequate because basically some other people don't have nice manners.

[sosix]

Op, its defintley an age thing, at 11 and 15, they won't want to hang with an eight year old.

Your friends actually spund a bit mean. You are more than adequate I'm sure. V. Mean not letting ds play footie.

[Alexandpea]

Don't have much to add to the great advice here but wanted to send as you sound like a wonderful caring mum. Agree with the suggestion up thread of arranging a group sport (football, rounders, cricket) so everyone can join in. It might be worth hinting to your friends that your son is feeling left out and would really enjoy a group activity.

[Joyfulleastersquad]

op don't feel like that!

I raised dd1 for 15 years by myself and felt guilty too about not being the perfect 2.2 family. But we muddled through and she is bloody fab (19) and its all my hard work .

You sound like a lovely caring parent which is all children need. He sounds in incredibley sweet!

They were mean not to take him

Don't let it spoil your time there and go off and do some stuff in your own so your not hanging about with them. When they have a group photo - get them to take some of you and ds together .

Don't feel down about it

[freshstart24]

Thank you all for the virtual hand holding. How ironic that I'm on holiday with practically my best friends, and Mumsnet cheers me up!

Joyful, it's always a huge comfort to hear positive stories from Ione parents of onlies. Thank you.

[Joyfulleastersquad]

Your welcome!

You will grow up together incredibly close. He's not missing out on anything x

[SavoyCabbage]

I think it's an age gap thing too. My own dds are these ages and it's the first time since dd2 was a baby that I am so aware of the differences in what they like to do. It seems so much bigger than it was just a couple of years ago. If your ds and this other lad were brothers the dialogue would most likely have been the same, going on my two.

Perhaps it's a testament to how strong your own little family is that your friends don't see it as an issue.

[Selks]

Oh love, please don't feel inadequate about being a single parent. You're clearly a fantastic mum and you have a great relationship with your son, who sounds a credit to you.
It's so easy to beat ourselves up and look at two parent family units with rose tinted specs, but it may not be so rosy in reality. They may have their hidden tensions, problems and difficulties.
It does sound as if they have been a little insensitive however. It is hard for your son wanting to join in and being rejected, but as others have said it may be an age gap thing. And it sounds as if your son just wants to join in some of the play rather than wishing to be in that kind of family set up...I bet that thought hasn't even crossed his mind. I think your explanation to him that older children don't always want to play with younger ones is a sensible one.
I hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday. And don't wear yourself out hosting - relax and have fun too!

[SoftKittyWarmKitty]

I'm a lone parent with an 8yo DS and quite frankly I think you'd be better off holidaying on your own, i.e. just the two of you. I've taken DS on holiday three times just the two of us and it's lovely. No stress, no having to consider/please others at my/our expense, no 'hosting' bollocks, no ostracism, no low level bullying. DS makes friends with kids around the pool, playground, kids club etc and we have days out and sightseeing trips. Perfect. Maybe just the two of you go the next time?

[Placeinthesun]

Op wees... You sound lovely.
I am reading with interest as I am holidaying next week with my 3 boys and a friend and her son. Her ds is 2 years younger than my dt's and 4 years younger than my eldest. I have to find the balance of letting mine be mine, including friends dc, letting friends dc have snuggles and time solo with his mum etc etc. Sometimes mine are brilliant, sometimes their own dynamic of 3 works sometimes it doesn't, eldest flips between model big bro behaviour with friends dc and being an obnoxious twit totally uninterested in younger boy. Dts can be super twinny and exclude everyone or the opposite.

Friends dc wants so keenly to join in he resorts to bossiness sometimes and doesn't get why mine don't want to play his games (which sometimes they too old for), he is also bemused by how tough mine can be with each other (which I am enured to) and the "tough, we're a big family" attitude I take to somethings forget that little kids can't read and be fobbed off with back issues if the beano/Harry Potter books if I have stuff to do, I forget that for a singleton a trip to the park requires adult interaction. I forget that little ones get tired, need cuddles, that it's important for him to press the button at the crossing first (or whatever)... Stuff that I just blank having 3.

Friend is lovely and close with her ds. Mine largely get on with it and aren't much interested in me.... They have each other. I will feel inadequate for not giving mine cuddles and having to split myself between the 3 of them continually. I will envy friends bond and closeness with her one, I will feel guilt that eldest had his world turned upside down when the dt's arrived and must constantly share his things.

Sorry not helpful but my point was it's swings and roundabouts.

I hope you have a fab rest of holiday.

[SisterConcepta]

You sound like a fantastic mum.
However your friends sound rather inconsiderate. My single mum friend joins us on holiday and we dont do family in jokes and group hugs in front of her. I would feel it's rude and making a point. Also the DC play well together but if they were excluding her DC they would get a stern talking to. It wouldn't kill them to be inclusive for a few days - they might even grow up to be considerate adults.

[jessie98]

Hello I just wanted to send you a hug too! can't add anything much to the fantastic responses above. We'll be away soon with family (three of us, one DS in our family and two teenagers in the other family) DS's cousins are good with him most of the time, but the scenario you describe with the football does happen, often because the teenagers kick the ball very hard and don't want to be hindered by the young one (my DS is 6). So we try to have a few days where we do our own thing over the week. We have learnt from experience. And because they are family, I know that outside of all the group hugs etc, they also have moments where it isn't such a tight unit...you are doing an amazing job, moments of doubt always creep in, I have had many moments like you describe. It sounds like you're an fantastic mum, you said your son has loads of friends, that is the important thing. Enjoy the rest of your hols x x x

[MrsGPie01252]

I think they are being insensitive. I smouldering get my DS and DD's to include. Let kids get away with selfish behaviour and they don't learn!
Start a game of capture the flag. They all love that and you need a group. Kids v adults.

Soon he'll be old enough to bring a friend and you won't have the being left out problem anymore.

It's a shame your friends don't see that they are with g inconsiderate to your DS.