Please tell me about your one-child families (infertility-related)

[cinnamongirl1976]

Hi all

I've dipped in and out of this part of Mumsnet but never posted before. I am sorry if this sort of thing has been posted before, but I would love some reassurance that having an only child is okay.

My DH and I are very lucky that we have a beautiful daughter, now 2 years old. His sperm count is zero but, amazingly, she is biologically his thanks to some very clever surgeons, consultants and embryologists. We had 3 cycles of IVF (ICSI) and he had 2 surgical sperm retrievals. I miscarried twins. We had to pay for our final cycle (the one that gave us our daughter) and because our case is complicated I think we spent nearly £10k.

Anyway, we have one frozen embryo and went to the clinic today. They advised that it might be worth doing a fresh cycle first if we can afford it because (a) it may give another embryo to freeze, and given my age - 39 next week - they would consider putting 2 back or at least having another in reserve in case the first one didn't thaw properly and (b) if we were going to do a fresh cycle at all - and I had considered it as a "one last go" type thing if the frozen cycle were to fail - it would be better to do it sooner rather than later because of my age.

DH is quite cautious with money and (for my sins) I am not. I have no savings because it all went into the last round of IVF. He has about £5-6K.

A fresh cycle of IVF would be about £5k, I think. A frozen is more like £1200 and we can afford that. But DH doesn't want to spend the money on a fresh cycle, only a frozen one. He does consider it "our" money but he doesn't want to spend it on IVF. He wants it in the bank in case anything happens to either of us and we can't work. I can understand why - it is not about him not wanting to spend on IVF at all (we used my money for IVF because we used his money for the house - we had a lot of building work done and he paid for most of it; it cost more than the IVF so I don't feel as though he doesn't contribute financially - he probably contributes more than I do but he wants the money in reserve in case either of us loses our jobs/health etc).

So it looks like for financial reasons we may have to disregard the clinic's advice and just do the frozen cycle. If it doesn't work (30% success rate), then our DD will be an only.

I feel sad about this because I really enjoyed growing up with my sister - Christmases, holidays etc. And now we are adults I cannot imagine my life without her. We go on holiday together sometimes. We will be there for each other when the dreaded day comes that our parents are no longer with us.

I guess I want all of that for my daughter and am feeling really sad that I may not be able to give her that. Oddly enough if I only had myself to consider, I would be happy with my lot - I don't "need" another child...I have all I need. But I worry about her. So I am hoping people on here can give me a bit of perspective....

[Ohbollocksandballs]

I am an only child and I honestly haven't ever wanted siblings. Not that it would have been my decision anyway.

She will not miss out at all, she knows no different. I can understand why you're sad, but honestly I very much doubt she will be affected at all.

[jessie98]

Your story rings a lot of bells with me. I had 2 rounds ivf and DS was born when I was 41- a true miracle. Never even thought about siblings. We decided not to try again for financial reasons and also emotional ones too, we found the ivf tough and I'm not young. I am happy with 1, I feel more under pressure from other mums / society than myself. I have fallen pregnant naturally twice since having my DS and have miscarried early. That was a rollercoaster of emotions, just when I thought it was settled and I'm happy I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't over the moon either time, but came round to the idea just to lose it. I am now trying to just enjoy my family and not wish for what ifs. I do worry about my DS not having siblings especially when we're older. I do a lot of socialising to make sure he has playmates etc which I have found stressful and tiring at times, but he seems very happy and sociable. Has not once mentioned missing a sibling (he's 6). Not sure what else to say, I can fill pages! It is a very personal choice but i don't think our family life is suffering because we have one child.

[cinnamongirl1976]

Thank you both for your kind replies. It is reassuring to hear and I think perhaps we do put ourselves under too much pressure when actually our children wouldn't even think about wanting a sibling.

My dad is an only child and he said he didn't miss what he's never had, but I wanted to hear it from other people too (just in case he was saying what he thought I wanted to hear!). So thank you, and jessie98, I am glad you are enjoying your family.

[jessie98]

You're welcome, think there's nothing else that I've worried about more than since I had DS - part of the job of being a parent isn't it - to worry?? I had another thought too, I remember thinking after my first miscarriage that I have two friends who were only children, they are both amazing people, they seem very happy with life and are really confident and adventurous. When I had a chat to one about all my worries about having an only child, she said that she had a very happy childhood. It's much more common now, I think maybe half of our friends with kids have one child. It's not unusual any more.
Take care

[Ilikesweetpeas]

I'm very like you OP, one DD from IVF. I had an further unsuccessful attempt when she was 3 and grieved a lot after that. I am also close to my sister and so wanted my daughter to have that relationship. However we don't know that our children would be so close to any siblings if they had them. The pain of not having a second has diminished a lot for me, and I accept that my DD is having a different life from mine. It still hits me sometimes, especially when other people announce pregnancies. Mostly I am able to focus on the positives of having 1 child, spend lots of time with her and now she's getting older (7) we can have lovely holidays which we probably would struggle to afford if we had more DC. It's really hard at times OP but I try to remember that her life will be different to mine, she will have different opportunities and experinces.

[TheVeryHungryScreamerpillar]

We struggled for 5 years to have our son due to genetic issues and reduced fertility. We had IVF, fertility drugs and a miscarriage at 12 weeks caused by a genetic abnormality. We'd been planning another round of IVF when I fell pregnant again. We were naturally very cautious when we found out we were expecting but have just had our beautiful boy.
Although we had originally wanted a big family we don't want to face the pressure we felt TTC again. We'll just give our boy everything we can and focus on making memories for him.

[mumtosammy]

hi cinammongirl, I know how you feel. we have a 4 yo ds and we have been TTC for 2.5 years for another, with no luck. I'm now on clomid as I don't ovulate but no sign of success so far.
I really want a sibling for my ds too and it can eat away at you. I too had a really close sibling growing up.
Good luck with deciding what path to take next.
I keep telling myself that there isn't one way to have a family, they come in all shapes and sizes and there's no guarantee about sibling relationships either.

[jimijack]

We struggled to get our ds, it took 3 years and 2 miscarriages.
After 10 years & a further 5 miscarriages we made the very difficult decision to stop. I was 42. We considered ourselves very lucky to have our son & we had a lovely family life together. Plenty of cousins & friends kids around ds, he wasn't missing out hugely.

I got the pill after the 7th miscarriage and waited patiently for af to arrive.
Feeling more & more unwell I concluded that the last miscarriage must have been incomplete.

I had to have a scan to check the lining of my womb for retained products.
There, strangely was a little 7 week baby.
This obviously meant absolutely nothing to us, I just shrugged and enquired if I would be able to have surgical management when the bleeding and pain started.
Assumed that any day this too would end.

So I now have a 12 year old & a 2 year old.......I am amazed every time I look at my miracle boys.
We were accepting of our lot. But we were thrown a huge break!

Happy story I share with anyone who will listen

[Clodagh1]

I turn to the internet every now and again when I'm feeling a bit down on this subject and just came across your posts.
It's a sad and tricky journey which is unplanned but has thought me so much about myself and life. My DD almost 8 came naturally when planned and it was a natural step in my life and relationship with my fiancé. Our or more my quest for a sibling has almost wreaked our relationship and my belief in myself as a woman. I have grown up a lot now since those naive assumption days and am hugely compassionate to the world of infertility that I had no idea about. Although my dd wishes for a baby sister upon every birthday candle and blow flower I am now in a place of acceptance and gratitude for what I have in my beautiful dd.
You have to trust life and the great qualities you help instil in them thereafter that they will lead a very full life as an only child.
There are ups and downs in every situation, celebrate and grieve as you must.
Big hug