DH and I are fighting about no 2 or not

(19 Posts)
olympicsrock Sat 19-Apr-14 00:46:54

I think I'd like a second child in 12 to 18 months. DH is adamant that he doesn't want any more. It makes me sad and angry that his wants and needs trump mine and that I don't have a say in such a big thing in my life.

DS is 2.4. I have a career which is important to me. I'm now 36. DH and I both agreed that we wanted a family before marriage and planned on 2. Having DS was harder than we expected, despite Ttc for 6 months, DH was in shock when I got pregnant and didn't want to come to scans or antenatal. Then I had crash section, DS went to Scbu and I got pnd (mildly) Despite being used to night shifts I found sleep deprivation tough. DH' s business went through tough times. We have both found the baby and toddler years frustrating but adore him. DH is a great father, very hands on 50 50. Our child care is expensive but we have a great Nanny. We have to be very organised, compromise work and social life but we do make it work. DS makes me happier than anything else and is easily worth the difficulties we've had. I think that it would we worth going through it all again to have another wonderful child. I do find it frightening and admit that it would be tough but I think we would take things more in our stride and would bottle feed and have a night Nanny one day a week etc.

DH is looking forward to being able to take holidays, sleep at night and just doesn't want to look back. Both our careers are going well. He finds weekends when I work very difficult and hates even a whole day of childcare. His reluctance to even consider another one makes me sad. I worry that I"'ll always feel resentful.

If you've been through this, how did you cope.

Misfitless Sat 19-Apr-14 18:20:36

I haven't been through it, as such, but to some extent I think I can understand.

In terms of finances, I was really shocked to find out this week, that when you have a nanny, it doesn't necessarily mean your childcare expenses double, or even increase at all...still can't get my head round it, but it's true (just in case you didn't know!)

My DH and I have been through some fairly difficult times when our DCs were small..he has been pretty rubbish tbh when it came to the hands on stuff (night feeds, though they were all ebf, getting up in the night when they were ill, taking turns at the weekend to get up early, changing nappies..you name it!) I was pretty unhappy at times, resentful and our relationship did suffer.

However, I was a SAHM, until about 20 months ago, and he had an extremely stressful job and worked all the hours God sent. I don't know how I would have coped if I was in a stressful job...we would probably have had less DCs and/or possibly even have split up, so I am grateful that things are as they were, because I wouldn't be without him or any of our DCs.

The thing is, things are very, very good now. I am more in love than I have ever been and he is a fantastic father and husband.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, is that, when you're in the thick of those sleepless nights, and up to your neck in nappies, it seems like it will never end, but you do come out the other end, and it's a small price to pay.

You know all this anyway, you've said as much yourself, I know. If there's anyway you can assure your DH that you will do the lion's share, would he be more willing to enter into ttc number 2?

Of course, you yourself might not want that, perhaps you only want to do it if you can be confident that he will pull his weight. IME, though, I worked through any resentment, and I'm so glad that I did, as we know have the family of 4 that we both initially wanted, and a very happy and equal partnership, too.

Good luck xx

Misfitless Sat 19-Apr-14 18:23:11

I do know, that when you've got a successful and demanding career, the idea of you doing the lion's share might be too much, but I forgot to mention that bit, sorry!

olympicsrock Sun 20-Apr-14 06:52:16

Thanks Misfitless. I couldn't promise to do the lion share. Last time I took a year off work and did do the lion share to start with plus DS was bf. But we were both so tired that sharing lie ins was the only way to go. Then from 11 months we both worked and both needed sleep. The sleepless nights have only just come to an end.
DH knows that the workload at evenings and weekends would be shared.

GiddyUpCowboy Sun 20-Apr-14 06:57:00

I suspect if you go ahead your marriage may suffer.

olympicsrock Sun 20-Apr-14 07:07:22

The problem is that I feel resentful now but DH would be resentful if we did go ahead. I have a mirena so I would have to make a conscientious decision to have it removed. There will be no happy accidents.

Morgause Sun 20-Apr-14 07:12:06

It has to be something you both want and feel positive about or your marriage will fall apart.

phoebeflangey Fri 23-May-14 17:45:34

I desperately wanted a second, my H didn't, our business suffered as he did nothing to help me with our daughter or our business. Although loved him and tried to get past it, it was one of the reasons that after 15yrs we split up. He now has nothing to do with our daughter, and I still resent him. If I couldn't have had anymore or even if we'd decided together if would have been very different, but I understand how you feel when it's them making the decision for us sad
Good luck whatever you do, and make sure you both want the decision.

alikat724 Thu 19-Jun-14 22:52:19

I understand exactly how you feel, DH and I discussed and agreed 2 before we got married but once I was pregnant he changed his mind. 2.5 years of turmoil and toxic resentment later he changed his mind again and agreed to another, but now I'm not so sure, I'm afraid our relationship has been irreparably damaged by the arguments we've had and how disempowered I felt by him taking away a choice that was so important to me. I'm 40 now so it might be too late now anyway, and DH also wants me to give up work if we have another, which I do not want to do. It's a horrible, shitty situation. I hope you have more success than we have had at resolving it...xx

JDD Sun 29-Jun-14 20:53:47

Same situation. DH is adamant that he doesn't want another as he has two older DC as well as one with me. I feel sad about the idea of only having 1. I'm ok with it at the moment as I'm enjoying my career and don't feel ready for another but I expect it will come to a head in a couple of years. I understand and agree with all his reasons for not wanting any more. Life will be easier if we stop at 1 but that doesn't stop me wanting another one day. I'm hoping he'll change his mind. Hopefully I've still got a few years if fertility left.

LalaLeona Mon 30-Jun-14 20:35:10

I have similar reasons why I only have one child, my husband has an older daughter from his previous marriage who lives with her mum. She was age 13 when my dd was born and found it difficult to adjust. My dh also worries about costs of more children. I too have felt resentment over not having a second, that bubbles up to the surface now and then. I have dealt with this by doing my best to encourage a relationship between my dd and my dsd, this is also supported by my dh's ex wife. We feel like, hey they are both 'onlies' at home and hope that they will stick together in the future. This has really helped me to feel more positive, so maybe focus on your step kids and try and do your best to foster good family relationships, by getting everyone together as much as poss, arranging visits, meet ups at Christmas etc.

LalaLeona Mon 30-Jun-14 20:39:51

Sorry that was to JDD. OP, I wish I could offer some advice, but it's really hard, I just hope that you can talk your DH round, and show him how important it is to you. Try and get him to project and think about the future when your child is older, and speaking from experience there is a lot of work involved in having one, it's not necessarily the easier option! Good luck xx

Sazorchard31 Wed 13-Aug-14 15:27:58

I can only sympathise as I am in the same position. Dd is 4, I desperately want a 2nd but dh does not. End of conversation. I'm heart broken and confused as was led to believe we'd have a 2nd when got a promotion (tick), moved house (tick), dd starts school (tick in 3 wks), settled into new house (tick), after my next half marathon (tick 3 later!). Now it's a form no. I'm worried I'll resent him forever. He'll resent me if I force him into it. No one can win so how can our marriage survive with so much resentment??

Kelly1814 Mon 18-Aug-14 16:16:04

Same situation here, but it's my DH who wants a second. I cannot imagine anything worse.

You both have valid feelings.

lighthouse17 Thu 12-Nov-15 10:17:32

hiya
same here too, our DD also went to nursery from 11 months and we both found it very tough to work full-time with a baby. So my husband doesn't want to go through this again but I feel like I am nearly ready to do it again. Also I am scared at the same time as it was very very hard. I just don't know whether we can cope with 2 kids, I am so scared of effecting our marriage as I love him sooo much so DH and my daughter is more important to me than another child. Our DD loves her daddy sooo much and I couldn't imagine being single and taking her dad away from my DD.
In the end I told my DH that I will wait until he is ready to have another child but I am also really scared he may never be ready sad

DetonationStation Fri 18-Dec-15 07:28:44

I'm in a similar place currently. DP always wanted a family, like, 20 years ago!! Our DD was 5 years in the making, required IVF, as we found out DP was carrying a chromosome issue.
We had a few surplus embryos from the cycle that resulted in DD so had those transferred this year, with no luck.
DP was apparently keen to have a second (using the embryos) but now has said he is happy to just have DD, and has closed the door on any more children. I can't argue with his reasons. The chromosome thing means that if we even managed to get pregnant (very unlikely for number reasons), the chromosome thing means I am highly likely to miscarry in the first trimester (and if I don't, a highish risk of stillbirth or death shortly after birth). I've lost 4 pregnancies so far, and mostly has been utterly devastating. He doesn't want to go through more losses (although there is the tiniest chance - i have seen it work out for others with the same condition) and I don't particularly want any more miscarriages.
He also has a debilitating health condition that he does not want to pass on to a child.
I can't argue with any of that, but I still feel very very unfinished. I see a space next to DD. There is a spare bedroom filling up with junk. There are 4 stockings for Christmas Day (somehow). I can't bring myself to pass on DD's baby clothes etc.

I don't have any advice for how to deal, because I am still 'dealing' myself. There's no compromise or halfway with this, is there, because its not like you can have half a child. You guys sound quite set up, and there's likely no 'arguable' reason for having one or not having one. I hate that we're so driven by biology, if its even that. So basic, yet so potent.

DetonationStation Fri 18-Dec-15 07:29:26

oh, just seen date on OP . . . how are things going, if you're still here. 18 months on?

frankiebuns Wed 06-Jan-16 11:02:56

Me and hubby fought about addibg number 2 to the family i won in the end the pregnancy was horrendous my pnd was too and honestly thought hubby was right yes its tirinv im on antidepressants but only small dose and i love it i gave up work and hubby works best thing i ever did. I was a carreer woman i love it now. My hubby was an only child and was desperate for a boy which we had first but my god hes glad i persuaded him

Borninthe60s Wed 06-Jan-16 11:22:49

Can you agree to a six month delay and then revisit it, things might get easier and DH might come round. Also hopefully you won't have two the same so you might get a sleeper this time!

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