Reassurance

(22 Posts)
iheartshoes Fri 07-Feb-14 23:59:43

I don't want another child at all. As in I really, really don't want one (despite what well meaning friends and relatives think). Our only DD is an absolute joy to us, I love her to peices but I do not think I could handle giving birth / being pregnant / newborn again. However this is making me feel very guilty as we are in a position to move at the moment . We could easily afford a nice two bed house for the two of us plus DD and maintain a nice (ish) lifestyle . I would not want to try to cram four of us in there and a three bed house where we are (south east) would wipe us out. Also I want a career. I want a life outside of DD and I feel just having one child gives us a better chance at that. I suppose what I am asking is for reassurance that DD WILL be ok as one child. The only reason I would ever have a second would be for her and I do not believe that having a second child for the first is a good reason - I believe a child should be wanted for his or her sake only. Please someone say some reassuring things to me !

blacktreaclecat Sat 08-Feb-14 06:46:08

I'm an only and I love it. Never felt the lack of a sibling.
DS is nearly 20mo and I can't face more ivf or hideous pregnancy (I bled throughout, had SPD, placenta praevia and was generally crap at it) either. So we are in the one club too smile
Xx

Footle Sat 08-Feb-14 07:03:50

This is your life and your family. Do it the way you want. It seems wonderful to me that you feel so clear about it. Of course your child will be fine. She'll sometimes envy friends with siblings, and they will envy her singleness right back !

Dilidali Sat 08-Feb-14 07:16:54

Mine seems ok as an only child.

It will be ok, promise.

iheartshoes Sat 08-Feb-14 09:52:54

Thank you for the lovely replies . I think I just had a bit of a panic last night for no real reason at all given I am very happy with my decision it's just the slight guilty feeling that she "should" have a sibling. Lovely to hear all the positive stories.

I'm sticking at one. For different reasons to you (I had an horrific labour with DS and having a second would pose a lot of additional risks).

I also love my little boy and our family the way it is, and can't picture wanting to change that by adding another to the mix.

I get comments about it all the time. DS is now too, so obviously, I must be wanting another one hmm

I was once being lectured by a stranger in a coffee shop about only children when an elderly lady butted in and told me she was an only child and has never been sad about that. She told me it was wonderful. Made my day.

2, not too

iheartshoes Sat 08-Feb-14 10:26:50

wednesday I don't know why people feel they have a right to comment or tell anyone they "have" to have another child. Incredibly rude. What a fab lady I love hearing positive stories like that.

Me neither iheartshoes it's none of their business.

Imo it's worse when family start. Mil told me that neither husband or I had the right to decide yo have an only child as we weren't only children ourselves. I ignored her, but if she says it again, I'll be tempted to reply that as she's never had a labour like mine, she has no right to an opinion about how many children we have.

Arcadia Mon 10-Feb-14 21:44:17

I have one DD and it is fantastic. She has just turned four and I didn't think it could get better but it does! Meanwhile my career is going well, and my relationship is so much better than when she was little which put a strain on us both. I work part time but in quite a 'heavy' job.
I feel so free with one! We are having two holidays this year. We socialise a lot for her sake but this is good for all of us, at weekends we have friends round. Our best friends have one little boy the same age as DD and they play 'brothers and sisters' together. But DD is happy to have us to herself and I can give her my full attention and love.
DP and I both do lots of activities in the week - exercise etc. - and both get mornings 'off' at the weekends as we both like a bit of time to ourselves (though now DD is older I am needing it less). Sometimes his parents have her for a night or two so we can get away to a hotel (we're lucky, I know!). They couldn't manage with two.
DP is an only child and has a great relationship with his parents. I am one of three and never felt I got enough attention from my parents and was bullied by a sibling.
I have struggled with it, but the more time goes on the less I worry and the more I see it is right for US, in our circumstances, with our energy levels and other commitments, lifestyle, etc.
don't worry, enjoy! smile

Arcadia Mon 10-Feb-14 21:45:55

I am also lucky though that none of either of our families ever comment negatively ... They don't seem to see it as an issue which really helps.

Jackthebodiless Mon 10-Feb-14 22:23:44

All that Arcadia said.

We stuck at one for a few reasons and ds has been absolutely fine. I have an adorable sis, but dh had two vile bro's and wished he'd been an only, so you never know.

You do have to bring them up differently, though. Ds always had friends home, sleepovers, we always took a friend with us on days out and went on hol with friends with dc's.

Don't worry, it will be absolutely fine.

iheartshoes Wed 12-Feb-14 20:58:28

arcadia thank you so much for your response. Your set up sounds absolutely brilliant and I would love to think DH and I and DD could be in a similar position in a few years.

iheartshoes Wed 12-Feb-14 21:02:21

jack thank you so much for your reply as well. How old is your DS now? It is great to hear from
Someone who has been there and done it . Seeing the reassurance written down is lovely especially when I met up with friends today who have children similar she to DD and are both already talking about number two, but it didn't make me feel remotely wistful just that I am a bit odd!!

ashesgirl Wed 12-Feb-14 21:05:13

I only wanted one. But felt like there was a lot of pressure from other people to have another. Years later, I can say I have never regretted having just the one. I love it and DD does too. Do what's right for you.

iheartshoes Wed 12-Feb-14 21:21:04

ashesgirl there is definitely pressure from other people just makes me wonder how I will handle it over the next few years and when the questions will stop ! I don't see how it affects other people whether I have one child or ten and why all the interest but the past couple of weeks I have been asked about plans for number two by five different people - I know I am being over sensitive and people don't mean it nastily but I think because I feel a bit guilty over my decision even though I know it is the right one, it niggles away at me a bit, iyswim ? I hope that makes sense - bit garbled!!

ashesgirl Wed 12-Feb-14 21:22:58

I know exactly what you mean and it niggled me too, I thought I'd come to regret my decision. But didn't.

The questions stopped around 4 years old I'd say or when everyone got sick of asking me. Honestly it's really not an issue at all now.

I did find this forum v useful though to find other like-minded people!

iheartshoes Wed 12-Feb-14 21:33:54

Good to know the questions do stop at some point! I think I just probably had a bad week last week and bumped into some rather inquisitive people! Yes this forum is brilliant I love reading all the positive stories and thanks again for taking the time to reply , it's lovely hearing from people who have been there and done it and know it was / is the right decision

MrsRambo Thu 13-Feb-14 13:45:35

I have one DD age 2.5 and she is all I want. We are happy being a team of 3 here and have no plans to change it. There is a lovely lady in my office whose only daughter got married last year. One day, after someone asked me if no. 2 was going to be on the cards, I confessed to this lovely lady that I was finding all the questioning irritating. She said to me 'ignore them, it's wonderful having one'. Her daughter is a lovely, balanced, normal person who has married a nice guy! You wouldn't think it was possible the way some people carry on about only children....<including my MIL> smile

I think the key is to be happy in your choice and put two fingers up to the world and enjoy your family. ( I appreciate that for some it is not necessarily a choice to have one child and that this approach will not apply).

ashesgirl Thu 13-Feb-14 19:10:32

It's just a phase you have to get through. People have no concept how intrusive it is. They just keep trying to persuade you that you're wrong.

I found using some stock answers helped … just laughing and saying 'Ah, think not. Reckon I'm happy with one'.

Some people can't stand the finality of your decision so I'd say 'Am pretty happy with one. We'll see'. And that would placate them.

It's nuts you even have to do this.

But nobody asks me these days, thank god.

UniS Thu 13-Feb-14 23:11:43

We stuck to our plan to only have one child. I love being able to do things as a small family that can't be easily done by larger families with children at different ages and stages. I like being able to support DS in his sport with out having to try and be fair with time for a second child. I like having a quiet house and a garden that isn't entirely a football pitch.

iheartshoes Fri 14-Feb-14 08:10:50

mrsrambo yes I don't really understand all the fuss about why it is so terrible to be an "only" child - as if they are going to grow up to have issues! I have friends who are hellbent on having number two even though they (like me) struggle with number one because they don't want their Child to be an only child. What is wrong with being an only child - I just think that I can't see what is wrong with having one to me it seems a lovely balance . Yes I think you are right it's
important to be confident that what we are doing is the right decision for us and not to worry about anyone else's opinion.

ashes yes I think a firm "we'll see" is probably the best way to go. And then attempt to change the subject !!

UniS yes that is one of my reasons too. Now DD is older the house is slightly more presentable and I like it. I am awful with housework but can keep ontop of it with one with two I think everything would descend into chaos (for me I realise a lot of people are more organised and I know having more then one doesn't mean you live in a mess at all that is not what I am trying to say in case I offend anyone ) I also like the thought of like you said you can devote a lot of energy to DS sport - if DD is interested I sport or music when she is older it is nice to think we may be able lots of lessons for her if so inclined

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now