I want a second.. Partner doesn't :-(

(9 Posts)
Liviloulou Mon 27-Jan-14 08:28:14

Hello,

My partner already has 2 children from his previous marriage (7 and 10 but they rarely come to visit) He's 14 years older than me. Anyway.. We've got a little boy who's 6 months and I really want another one in a year or 3.
He's known this since we met and now all of a sudden he is adamant that he doesn't want any more. He's even mentioned getting the snip. He hasn't bonded with our baby at all. He resents him for taking me away from him and using up all of my time (even though he's a little darling and sleeps all of the time)
I really don't know what to do. I love him so much and I love our family as it is but I can't deny my baby a little brother or sister. I'm one of 4 and I've always pitied my friends who have no siblings.

Help :-(((

Holamum Mon 27-Jan-14 22:07:34

Hi.
Well your son won't really be an only child as he will have older half-siblings. But I understand what you mean if they don't have much contact.

It has to be a mutual decision. Trust me. My friend was in a similar position, so she took matters in her own hands and stopped taking the pill. She got pregnant but her husband was furious and demanded she abort or they would split. She wanted the baby more than her husband so kept the baby. He eventually came round to the idea. But she felt rejected by his initial response, and she felt guilty because she felt she had tricked him. She had severe post natal depression as a result of the guilt and the marriage eventually broke down due to the pressure.

It is up to you. But if you want another child, and he doesn't, you can always find someone else to give you what you want.

Fairylea Mon 27-Jan-14 22:13:17

I think you have much bigger issues than having a second child right now... your partner hasn't bonded with the baby and resents him?! That's awful. There's no way I'd want to have another baby with a man like that. You need to tackle that head on first and if it doesn't change seriously think about leaving him. It's terrible behaviour.

scarecrow22 Mon 27-Jan-14 22:22:47

I had a very similar problem, and posted here too as didn't know where else to go.... I really feel for you.
Our dd was a first child for us both. When I started talking about another dh announced he'd only ever wanted one child. Phew claims he'd told me that but I genuinely have no memory. In our case dh bonded well but had to do a lot of child care (4 eves a week) because of my work, and he was worried about space at home and money for childcare ( we both earn above average wages though we qualify for child allowance).
After we reached an impasse I was so unhappy I wrote him a letter explaining I wanted his child, not just any child, and I wanted to do this with him - I wanted him to want another child more than the child in some ways: I felt so lonely thinking our priorities were totally different and he would put holidays and a new car above another child, and if we tried and did not succeed the fact we tried together was enough for me. Every problem he raised I said I would pay, or cope, or do the task... He eventually relented, us relented and relented again. Before he could change his mind another time I was pg.
the pg and early months were often very hard. I think he still resented me for the emotional pressure. I think he was panicked. I think he could not imagine loving another child as much as dd, though he denied it hotly. I was sick and exhausted and working late and he would more or less say "it's what you wanted". When I had DS he hardly came to the hospital and left me waiting hours when I was discharged because he was "busy"??!
BUT after a few weeks he began bonding with DS. He is now besotted, and we are gradually healing us and the imbalances in care, and I really believe we have survived and are happy as a family of four. I have sworn never to even joke about another, and I will not. Tbh despite my longing in some parts, I think we were meant to be four. I realised it would work when we were camping this summer, DS was only 3-4 mo!, and DH whispered one night, "can you hear our little children sleeping: isn't it amazing...."

Sorry that's so long. It's both a warning and I hope maybe a beacon of hope. But it might be a tough ride. If dh really doesn't want another you might consider some relationship counselling because imo that sort of fundamental difference will be corrosive and if you are not reconciled to the difference you might find the relationship struggling, which will impact on your existing child.

Good luck and I sincerely hope you find happiness

scarecrow22 Mon 27-Jan-14 22:29:06

Also if your partner hasn't bonded yet might he have some form of pnd? It's not uncommon.

orangepostit Mon 10-Feb-14 15:33:16

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it's an awful plight to be in. I'm in a similar boat to you but we're a bit further down the line and it's slightly different in that we had IVF, and DP was insistent he couldn't face any more of that. It has caused a huge rift in our marriage, and his refusal to even consider us trying again and failing (I've said I can handle the failure, I just can't handle the lack of trying, it seems such a waste when we have healthy embryos to use) has hurt to such an extent that I am now considering leaving him and raising my DS alone.

It's been much more complicated than I'm making it sound (we have had other problems, not just the one child angle), but it's not easy - how do you compromise on something like this?

Good luck.

JessMcL Wed 26-Feb-14 11:34:57

I agree with scarecrow. Maybe you need to have a chat with him about his feelings (and lack of them towards his son) instead of concentrating on another child- it seems to me you are very much focusing on your "want" and not why your DH feels the way he does.

My DS is 17 and my oldest girl is nearly 9- so he was an only child for a long time. He hasn't suffered from it either as I always made sure he was well socialised and behaved the way he should of done.

Regardless how often he sees your partners other children- I quite frankly think it's horrid your obviously forgetting about them. I don't see my family anymore but I don't forget that somewhere I have a sibling.

Sorry if I seem harsh- but you seem a little selfish.

badidea Fri 28-Mar-14 08:14:03

Agree with others that say the first issue to be handled here is the fact your DP hasn't bonded with his child and in fact resents it. That is unacceptable behaviour in my book and there's no way you can consider bringing in another child to be resented and ignored.

Was he like this with his older kids?

I don't think you can compromise when it comes to kids, especially if someone changes the rules. My sister spent all her reproductive years with a man who wanted kids, marriage etc, as time ticked on she started to raise it with him, turned out he changed his mind and decided he no longer wanted kids as they were 'too messy'...

She left him, but didn't meet her current DH until she was 38 and they weren't ready to try until she was 40 and it never happened, she is now childless and my heart breaks for her every day (even though she is the best aunty you could ask for and is incredibly pragmatic, never dwelling on it, she just would have made the best mum and it hurts me that he 'changed the rules' and it is her who suffered (needless to say, said ex then hooked up with a woman who already had 2 kids...)

If your bloke claims he's never wanted more than one with you (and has no interest in his current baby) I can't see that changing.

But, unless he gets help or starts taking steps to bond and not resent your boy, I'd be leaving him anyway, this might sound melodramatic, but there's no way I'd stay with someone who resented a baby - for me, that's something I just couldn't get past, how could you trust them to give your baby the care he needs, if you know he wishes he wasn't there?

Fairylea Fri 28-Mar-14 08:18:14

What were the circumstances for the split with his ex? Did he have similar feelings about his older children?

I think what you say about the bonding and resentment is awful. Massive red flags. I'd sort this out before even considering another baby.

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