Help me decide while its still fresh

(14 Posts)
PuddingAndHotMilk Wed 11-Sep-13 05:52:41

I'm 40yo with a 6wo DD. I had a straightforward pregnancy, long and medicalised labour but a perfect and beautiful D at the end. I've found the first 6 weeks way tougher than I expected and the sleep deprivation is hideous! I don't think DD is especially challenging either tbh but have teetered on the edge of PND with a few dark days...

I'd always said it was 2 or none as I feel selfish denying DD a sibling but now I'm here, the thought of doing this again with a toddler fills me with horror and dread! What if pg2 is hideous or DC2 is a colicky disaster zone? How on earth do you sleep with a toddler too?! I can't leave a big gap as I'm already 40yo

With just 1 we can afford to do more, concentrate on her development uninterrupted. But after the initial shock having 2 would be lovely, right? Having a sibling to play with etc?

Am I being selfish or shortsighted thinking it might be better to stick with 1? I want to get my head straight while the newborn stage is still fresh in my mind.

DH has always been happier with the thought of 1 but he keeps asking me what I want and would happily have another as long as its asap due to our age. Help!!

DumSpiroSpero Wed 11-Sep-13 06:24:59

I am an only child and when DH and I married we talked about having 2-4 children. I didn't have a particularly awful time as an only, just thought siblings would be the ideal.

I had a horrible pregnancy, induction, EMCS, colicky baby, PND and other health issues post birth, hence we now have just the one beautiful DD who will be 9yo this Friday.

Honestly, it is fabulous! We both have so much more time, energy & financial resources for her. We are both able to work term-time only so have lots of family time and no issues with childcare.

My friends with multiple children are frequently a little envious of the fact that we are able to do things with DD that are impossible with siblings - either because of cost or differing ages/interests.

DD is perfectly well-adjusted and has lots of friends and no interest whatsoever in having siblings grin !

PuddingAndHotMilk Wed 11-Sep-13 08:03:17

Thanks Spiro, that's great to hear (That one is great not that you had a torrid time of course)
Happy Birthday to your LO thanks

armsandtheman Wed 11-Sep-13 18:53:12

We're planning on sticking at 1 gorgeous DD too. I love it, so calm, no arguing or fighting and you can just concentrate on them. My friends are great contraception. Those with 2+ feel guilty as they are always shouting and stretched for time. I think whatever you choose you feel guilty, but you have to choose for you, not them as you can never blame them for your decision.

There's a lovely thread on one parent families about all the wonderful things about having 1. I also read Dr Susan Newman's book that has advice about bringing up an only child and explains the myths about only children being lonely/selfish/weird are nonsense. Good luck whatever you decide!

I'm not sure you're onto a winner trying to make a decision now. Six weeks really is a short time (and yes, the six weeks post birth were the longest bloody six weeks of my life) compared to what you're trying to decide about. Maybe write down how you feel now, to look back at later?

That said, I felt much like you do, including the slight apologetic bit about really not having that bad a time ... It never got easy enough for me to think 'what the hell, let's have another one', but more importantly I never wanted another child enough to go through it again. Deep down, I knew guilt shouldn't come into it, or rose-tinted ideas about siblings.

And ... we're great. DD is 9, getting on well, happy, not weird (um, no weirder than would be expected, given genetics). She's never had much interest in having a sibling, beyond wanting an older sister (impossible, obviously) and given she yesterday declared her 30-something Brown Owl 'too old' to have a baby, I'm obviously off the hook at 41!

stowsettler Sat 14-Sep-13 08:33:18

Gosh you could be me writing this 6 months ago! I too was 40, had a great pregnancy nd a horrible birth, however I only ever planned one. At 6wo I was certain this was the right decision, and now at 6mo I really want her to have a sibling.
So it's definitely too soon to decide! I'm broody as hell now!
Congrats btw x

heidihole Sat 14-Sep-13 08:35:15

You cant decide rationally with a 6 week old baby. Honestly it's too fresh! Wait until you've forgotten what it's like and you've got an 18 month old helpfully poking other babies in the eyes and kissing them and then your heart will melt and you;ll be back to wanting to give them a sibling smile

Hi, I currently have one baby boy, although I'm open to the possibility of more children, I'm nervous as to the reaction of my first child, ill be watching for others opinions :-)

Arcadia Mon 30-Sep-13 21:15:51

I have a 3 y.o. DD. I could have wavered a bit at some points but DP has never wanted another. DD is a lovely sociable child and we make sure we do lots of things with other children including cousins, and families at the weekends. DP and I can pursue our interests (exercise etc.) because we only have her. Also her grandparents have her but probably wouldn't manage two so that DP and I can get away for romantic weekends every few months! I have felt a bit left out as friends have had their seconds, but another advantage is that I can help them out with their kids when needed and be like an 'auntie' to their little ones.
I also don't think I could manage my job which is quite demanding even though part time if I had two because of the illnesses etc. and because I set out on this career path just as I had her so have had to put quite a lot in.
Pretty fab all around smile!
It sounds like you are doing really well for six weeks (I was a wreck!) and don't put pressure on yourself to decide. Whatever you do decide there will be good points to it so relax and take it one step at a time!

Jellyboobs Mon 07-Oct-13 17:16:42

I used to want a huge family, and now we have one dd I can't think of having another (partly because my relationship with oh isn't the best now) She's so perfect, and more than fills my days grin . I see mums with more and feel no urge to make more at all.
Dd is 20 months old.

williaminajetfighter Fri 11-Oct-13 01:00:08

I have a 7year old DD and was always happy with one. Easier, affordable and still able to work FT.

Then my dad died last year and I started to feel bad about the idea that she and only she would have to look after both me and DH when older and that she wouldn't have much support. Not very rational but one usually isn't in grief. I also suddenly realised that I may never have more children at my age (43) so a slight panic set in.

A year on and I'm 44 and about to go into labour any day. Have I made the right choice? Who knows! I think it may be a choice of heart over head - or just plain madness as it was for me! - if you decide to get pg again.

Mellowandfruitful Fri 11-Oct-13 01:06:58

It's too fresh to decide! I would revisit it when your DD is 4 months old. This is often the point where babies are sleeping better, colic has subsided etc so you may feel more able to think - but isn't too far away with the age question in mind.

scurryfunge Fri 11-Oct-13 01:19:57

I have one. DS is 19 and I have not regretted it. He is the most sociable person I know, far more sociable than us. I loved my career and any more than one would have been unmanageable. Having siblings doesn't make you a better person. It's your choice- just do what is best for your family and take no notice of what others think.

phoolani Fri 11-Oct-13 01:28:05

Seriously, why would you feel guilty about having more than one or not? There are up and down sides to both, just decide where to draw the line. We took ages to decide to have ds1 because we both liked just having dd1 so much and were aware that ds would dilute that. In the end we had ds because we just wanted another one. And yes, it did dilute the relationship with dd for a while, tho not any longer. And yes, two argue, but they also amuse each other for hours on end with no involvement on my part whatsoever. Basically, it's a toss up. There is nothing selfish about not having another, just let go of that idea. Single kids are disadvantaged in some ways, advantaged in others, just as non-singles are. It's just a choice. Tho I don't know anybody who didn't question their desire to have another when the first was 6 wks! Nobody wants another then, so hold off on the decision making for a few months!

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