I really dont know how I feel.....do I actually want another or not?

(8 Posts)
MortifiedAdams Mon 02-Sep-13 10:04:05

Pre kids, Id always insisted "one only". DH knew, and he said he would prefer more than one, but that he would be happy with an Only. Just after the birth (horrific!), we botb wanted an Only.

Throughout the first year of DDs life, he became more keen on an Only (said perfect dynamic, house suits an Only, wages suit an Only etc), and I became broody. He agreed to another.

We fell pg with DC2 when DD was 18mo, but sadly miscarried at 11 weeks. During amd after the MC, I felt reticent about becoming PG again, as I found it both emotionally and physically draining.

Recently, I have been thinking again about whether and when we TTC. DH and I have said we will have a discussion at Christmas, as to what we want to do, giving mind and body a chance to.recover from the MC.

Whenever I think of another DC, its the 'fun' stuff - the pregnancy, the mat leave off with DD1, the name choices, the build up to the birth and anticipation. I see the practicalities.of a second baby as a negative - the night wakings, the inevetable guilt, the toll it will take on my body, the squeeze of.an extra child in.the home (and on the bills)....

Does.this.mean I want an Only? Are these reasons the same as what you feel when deciding on an Only?

I dont worry about DD not having a sibling - she has plenty little friends, a cousin we see regularly of the same age, can entertain herself etc. If we have another, itll be for dh and I.

MortifiedAdams Mon 02-Sep-13 10:55:31

Bump

Yorkieaddict Tue 03-Sep-13 16:37:30

I suspect whatever you decide you'll end up quite happy with it. If you have another DC you'll muddle through, and once they are here it will all seem worth it, despite possible tough times for the first few months. If you don't then things will stay as they are, which sounds like a happy family set up. Sorry, that probably doesn't help you much though!

MortifiedAdams Tue 03-Sep-13 16:44:48

Haha its better than no response!

I dont think we would regret having a second.....but I dont think we would regret not either.

Decision of 1-2 is so much harder than 0-1!

Smoutebollen Tue 03-Sep-13 16:55:32

It's such a difficult one. And I agree with Yorkieaddict - there probably isn't a "right" answer.

Fwiw though, if I'd had the choice, I would have definitely had a second. I'm in my forties now and have such a fabulous relationship with my sisters - we all can rely on one another in a crisis - and I desperately wanted the same for my dd.

Had dd when I was getting on though (with quite a problematic pregnancy) and subsequently had 3 miscarriages and I couldn't really face going on with it - either health-wise or emotionally. Now it's probably too late.

And as it happens, both dh and I have had some health problems since and it would have been difficult to cope with more than one - so it's swings and roundabouts.

If you read threads on here, people feel the same ambivalence about stopping at no. 2, 3 or 4, so I think it's an issue that everyone faces, never mind the number of dc involved (if that's any consolation!).

Hope you can come to a decision that (eventually) feels right for you and your dh!

hostelgirl74 Wed 04-Sep-13 16:04:57

I am in similar position, cannot decide. As i am 39 i feel like i do not have the luxury of time. I think that the fact you are thinking through all the negatives mean you are just taking it seriously. I would just think of the day to day interactions. What do you enjoy about the day to day stuff now? Do you like playing with your child, spending time, telling stories etc? If it's all a bind then maybe you are best leaving it at one. If you like it then maybe its for you.

I was just thinking about starting exactly this thread. I'm 40 and DD is nearly 6 weeks now. I'd always said I wanted 2 and DH wanted 1. Pg was easy (ish) labour was horrific and I'm still a car wreck down there.
DD is relatively easy but it is still the hardest thing I've ever done. Also, bf'ing is hard as 8 have fierce let down and I drown her / she fusses constantly on the breast latching/relatching time and again each feed!

The thought of doing it all again with a toddler and potentially having a harder Pg or poorly baby doesn't bear thinking about. I hate the thought of not being able to respond fully and immediately to DC2 as a newborn or neglecting DD1 even for 10 mins.

That's all very short term though vs a sibling for life sad
Cue my head exploding.

Sorry, didn't mean to hi-jack the thread but I feel your anguish over the decision thanks

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