Grieving over not having a second child

(62 Posts)
GreenFingeredGoddess Fri 01-Mar-13 10:50:37

I'm 44. For years I only wanted one. We went round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around.

I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have.

It plays on my mind all the time. I talk to friends about it, I obsess about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time.

DS is now 8 and a half. I'm very old to be thinking about another. DH does not want another. It would be hard but I can't STOP thinking about it.

I know it could be that I'm probably too old now and it's suddenly hit me, I just don't know. I just want all the thoughts to stop-they are driving me mad! I have had counselling but it didn't really help. I was just told to deal with it or try for another basically.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope?

DD(6) is an only and likely to always be an only. She has a disability that is probably genetic but not yet proven and although she has issues her quality of life is really good. She goes to mainstream school can walk short distances she's not that different. For years I've buried the want for another child thinking dp didn't feel the same however recently he admitted he'd love another too. I just wish it was an easy decision.

LalaLeona Mon 26-Jan-15 21:04:19

Frozen fairy I think you need to talk to your dh and make him see that this really is a deal breaker and you are never going to be happy in the marriage because your feelings are not going to go away. I have been having these kind of discussions with my dh and he has finally agreed to ttc even though he just turned 48 bless him. (I'm 12 years younger), my dd is 8 and I know there will be a big gap but I still feel it's the right thing to do. I have to at least try!! I'm so scared about it all, but I have to give it a go. My feelings when I watch dd playing alone are too painful. sad

Gr33dyeggs Mon 26-Jan-15 16:42:17

frozenfairy sorry you're feeling like this. No words of wisdom I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run.

frozenfairy123 Mon 26-Jan-15 16:08:42

I'm in the same situation and I'm having a really bad day. I just can't breath when I think that this is it. Want another soo much for me, our family and my son. We have no cousins locally. Time is running out as I'm getting older and I've considered leaving my hubby as I hate him for this soo much. But can't leave cos I still love him. It just feels so unfair xxx

MarysPrayer Wed 07-Jan-15 21:41:23

So very true sad

Gr33dyeggs Sat 03-Jan-15 15:42:47

marysprayer its so hard isn't it! Theres no middle ground - we 'win' and have a 2nd knowing every bump in the road will be all our fault because its what we wanted. They 'win' and resentment will set in and we will always wonder 'what if?'. sad

MarysPrayer Sat 03-Jan-15 14:59:36

I can really relate to your post Gr33dyeggs I have a 2 yr old dd and would love a second dc, but dh is unsure. Like you, we had a difficult birth and dd was not an easy baby but I can't help longing for another. I'm also in my (late) 30s so can't afford to wait any longer.

Like you my biggest feeling right now is fear. I fear that, either way, one of us could end up resenting the other. I worry about what effect this could have on our marriage.

It scares me that so many only children choose to have more than one child because they always wanted siblings themselves. I scares me that dd will have no family around her when dh and I are gone.

Sazorchard31 Fri 02-Jan-15 15:27:53

There is no reason why you would be blue lighted again or premature but I understand your fears as we have friends with lifelong problems and its something putting my husband off a second.

Your decision will not be wrong, do what feels right for your family and it'll be the right decision. Have a think over a few more months if you're not clear in your mind.

My dd is nearly 5, has her attitude moments but it's all part of growing up I hope! smile

Gr33dyeggs Fri 02-Jan-15 10:15:34

Honestly sazorchard my gut feeling is fear! Fear that whichever decision I make will be wrong. When we started TTC 2 I sensed it had 'worked' and I offered to get the morning after pill on the 5th day but OH said no because we'd made our decision.
I think he's scared of the birth because last time babies hb was lost and I needed blue lighting to hospital from a home birth attempt and a couple of our friends have had prem babies with various lifelong ptoblems. Plus our son has been a bit of a nightmare recently with his attitude and behaviour, but I think that's just his age?

Sazorchard31 Fri 02-Jan-15 07:35:49

I am so sorry to read about your mc, that must have been so tough.

What is your gut feeling about ttc again? And what does your oh really think?

Gr33dyeggs Thu 01-Jan-15 15:55:33

Hi all. I've stumbled over this and can really relate. I appreciate its old, but just writing my feelings down might help.

We have a DS nearly 6, and 1 mc prior to him. As an only child myself, I never wanted only 1 however he didn't sleep well (is still an early riser) and although we love him dearly some days are such hard work. So we put it off. I'd always mention it but OH adamant no more. Anyway my clock started ticking (34) and we had a very honest conversation. Ultimately he decided to ttc no2 for me. I did fall pregnant but sadly mc last November at 11 weeks. Straight away my OH said we can try again and although my heart longs for a sibling, I am wondering whether it is the right thing to do. Would 6year old be jealous and resentful? Can we cope financially and mentally? Will I regret not having another? Could I cope with another mc?

Thanks for all your honest posts.

Sazorchard31 Thu 25-Sep-14 14:12:59

Lalaleona can I ask something... Why do you want another baby (and not just hormones ).
I ask as I too am dealing with my dh not wanting a 2nd child but I do. I've been forced to evaluate my reasons for wanting another alongside his for not wanting and it's really made me think that hormones are not a good enough reason.

Try and think about it from dh view and talk to him!! You have to talk properly. I made the mistake of thinking I could change my dh mind and I was silly.

Please know you're not alone xx

LalaLeona Thu 25-Sep-14 12:48:20

Sorry this is an old thread to re activate, but have just been reading through it, as my hormones are making me really low and really desperate for another one. My dh is adamant though, he just won't have any of it, he barely even discussed it with me. He just says he can't, he's too old, he can't cope. (He's nearly 48, I am 36). We have dd7 and also dsd 20 but she lives with her mum. I just keep wondering if there's a way I can present it to him that will change his mind?! Sometimes I feel fine about things but days like today the feeling is unbearable!

vikky4 Tue 13-May-14 15:25:22

McZeba,

Alot of people I know seem to refer to their cousins as brother and sister (I live in London, alot of African people, they don't seem to distinguish between sibling and cousin so much). I try to do the same with my son. He is an only child and he spends alot of time with his cousin. Actually there are two cousins (they are brothers), the younger one is closer to my son's age than he is to his older brother so they play better together. So maybe your daughter, in time, will take comfort from the fact that she is the same age as her cousin

vikky4 Tue 13-May-14 14:10:43

Greenfigeredgodess

This conversation is really striking a chord with me. I too am 44 with an 8 year old only child and like you have recently started obsessing about another one, and beating myself up that this didn't occur to me earlier! I never wanted just one child, felt it unfair for DS, but somehow it always felt that it would be like that, so I tried to align myself with that idea. In my case, the reason was due to a rocky relationship. My partner and I are now getting along better (mellowed with age?) which is wonderful, but I was simultaneously struck by the thought - if i'd known we were going to end up together, I would have had another child! If it can work now, why couldn't it have worked before? Perhaps I was the difficult one?

I guess the lesson from that is that we make decisions based on the way we feel at the time and how you think you might feel in the future. What else do you have to go by, so you shouldn't beat yourself up. we are trying for another child, and though the chances are slim, I think I will feel better to know that I tried (so thank u PennyN for the above links!). To help with my obsessive thinking, I will shortly be starting a meditation course - if I were able to master that, to focuss on the present moment, I believe all my problems would dissolve...

McZeba Wed 05-Mar-14 17:39:49

Thank you Liz, your post is very kind and had given me comfort. I do hope that you can eventually have the baby you wish for and I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs right back at ya!! xx

liz98 Tue 04-Mar-14 19:29:40

McZeba I just wanted to say hello & I know how you feel. A very good friend texted me to say she is pregnant on the very day I was miscarrying. I haven't told her about my miscarriage and I'm not sure I can. She has had a lot of grief over pregnancies herself, so I sent her an as upbeat message as I could but it hurts so much. ..as you say it will be less raw as time goes on. I'm just working on enjoying what I have with my DS, we have a very close relationship, and building up family relationships for him. I know my DH doesn't feel the issue as strongly as I do, and I know where you're coming from when you talk about choosing a loving hard working father. It's important that everyone is happy in the family unit and sometimes that does involve a lot of compromise, it certainly has for us. I hope you work through it ok. Sending you hugs x x

McZeba Tue 04-Mar-14 17:52:17

Thank you for both of your kind replies Ladies. I think the nastiness on the weekend was his way of defending himself, he can see I'm hurting and knows that his barrier is the reason, I don't think he could deal with the out pouring of grief. I have always been happy in my marriage and I know in the long term I will be again. He is 99.5% of the time a Loving, hard working Father and Husband and I have chosen this rather than another child. I have to work through this and I often use reflection as a tool to help. I think the next year will be a testing and trying time for myself and my Husband and also Our DD. I will try to celebrate the happiness within my Family and the news of the two new babies but I know I will continue to feel this pain, it just may not be as raw as it is now xx

BerylThePeril44 Tue 04-Mar-14 07:11:34

I was unable to have any more children after my first. I loved dc1 with all my heart and we have an incredible bond..much closer than relationship friends seemed to have with several children. However that empty chair at the dinner table kept staring at me! So we took the plunge and adopted six years ago. Now my family is complete. The chair is most definitely full!

Misfitless Tue 04-Mar-14 06:58:26

I meant to say, that he really should be supporting you and trying to be understanding, although I don't think men can come close to understanding how the desperate need for a child can be all encompassing, to be fair to him.

Misfitless Tue 04-Mar-14 06:56:34

McZeba,

I hope it's not insensitive of me to reply (I have more than one, but your post has really struck a chord and takes me back to where I was once was.)

I have felt your pain and anxieties and understand how you feel.

You are not being selfish. I used to find comfort in knowing that there were other one-child families in mine and DC's life. I think it's perfectly natural and to be expected that you're feeling this way, when the two families closest to you are not going to be one-child families for much longer.

After having time to reflect on the weekend, are you still happy in your marriage, or do you feel that he has crossed a line?

McZeba Mon 03-Mar-14 10:41:30

Hi, I am in so much pain right now. I have one beautiful daughter from my previous marriage, I have for many years now wanted a child with my now Husband, he has never wanted this. I can go for long periods of not even thinking about it, accepting that I would rather have a happy marriage and just one child and then BOOM it hits me. In the last week I have found out my Best Friend is pregnant (a long awaited event), this I could cope with and was so happy for her but now my Sister is also pregnant. I am happy for both of them but broken hearted for myself. Selfish I know. My DD is the same age as my sisters daughter - she is also very upset and I have found diary enteries pouring her heart out about her sadness of being an only child.

My DH will not even contemplate it, we have had terribly upsetting conversations about this over the weekend and he has said some hateful things. I am so hurt, so upset and so low but I have to continue to show my happiness and support for the two women I am closest to. I cant talk to anyone about this, not my Mum or my DH. I am hurting and I dont think it will ever go away.

liz98 Thu 20-Feb-14 07:02:25

Hello I just posted a message about my second miscarriage, and started a new thread as this seems like such an old thread to add to. If anyone is still watching this, I'd like to say thanks for all these messages, they are helping me a lot at the moment. I'm trying meditation too, and feeling more positive as the days go on. I think the message from babybear that it's about how parents feel as the kids don't know any different is very true indeed.

babybear2011 Sun 22-Dec-13 21:51:37

Hi I was in a simler sitution to you. I had two children but always wanted a third but after my daughter I kept miscarring. I had so many emotions, one minute I was angry and thought never again then id be, so emotional and upset and feel empty. I would look at everyone else and feel like there was something wrong with me. Then l turned 40 and thought thats it im too old! I started studying and working part time. We had family holidays, my hubby and I started really enjoying eachothers companey again then when I was 42 I had a beautiful healthy babybgirl! She really is the best thing thats happened to us. My oldest is a boy of 22 and a girl of 16 so also understand about the only child thing as my babybear will grow up on her own but I try to keep things social for her and lots of little play dates with friends. Shes a very outgoing child and loves companey, even adult visitors, but I also see her happy on her own with her own things. I think its more to do with how we as parents feel because the kids are fine, they dont know any differant. Hope this has helped a little

regalsteph Thu 19-Dec-13 05:47:53

Glad you posted recently, GreenFinger. This thread is right on target for me, as it is for you all, and I hope there will continue to be discussion - even if it's just more of the same! I feel deep regret about not having another child. My husband simply did not want to have another, and I could not convince him. I resent him for it, but I feel absolutely awful for that. I feel like a terrible person that I can't just forgive him, get over it all, and move on. I feel that not having another will always be the biggest regret of my life. It's not that I think badly of only children or their parents. I absolutely believe that those who choose to have one are perfectly happy and wonderful. It's just that I didn't choose that path and so it feels all wrong. I can relate to the swings in perspectives, as I also find occasions in which I am peaceful about not having a second. But so often I torment myself, imagining the joy I would have with a child in each arm. I want to move past this, but I am not able to. The same ideas and thoughts just cycle. And that's why I hope you all will continue posting, even if it's just more of the same.

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