Grieving over not having a second child

(69 Posts)
GreenFingeredGoddess Fri 01-Mar-13 10:50:37

I'm 44. For years I only wanted one. We went round and round in circles trying to decide whether to have another and decided we were happy as we were. I just couldn't face having another baby as I found it so hard the first time around.

I don't know why, but in my heart I always thought another one might come along or I would suddenly feel at peace with my decision. I never have.

It plays on my mind all the time. I talk to friends about it, I obsess about having only one and how many children other people have, it goes around in my head all the time.

DS is now 8 and a half. I'm very old to be thinking about another. DH does not want another. It would be hard but I can't STOP thinking about it.

I know it could be that I'm probably too old now and it's suddenly hit me, I just don't know. I just want all the thoughts to stop-they are driving me mad! I have had counselling but it didn't really help. I was just told to deal with it or try for another basically.

Can anyone relate and how did you cope?

Kelbecks79 Fri 17-Apr-15 14:55:51

I'm sitting here in floods of tears and decided to google if anyone else feels the way I do. Then I came across these posts, I have only read a few but intend to read the rest tonight. I'm feel so confused, like I have a daily battle with myself about going for another. Mhusband and I found out my husband was infertile after trying for a lot a years we had icsi ( Ivf) and luckily it worked first time, and our perfect boy was born in 2009 for some absolute stupid reason (mostly money, as it always is) we decided not to keep our frozen embryos. I've always wanted two and if it happened naturally we would have had two some time ago. Now we have asked his parents to borrow money to go again when we received the paper work (once signed you are committed) I firstly see the cost of frozen embryo transfere and just broke down asking myself why did we get rid of them. We discussed the cost and how much to pay back a month and decided that perhaps we should just be happy and grateful for being blessed with the one as we will struggle with money....... My biggest fear ......... Regret. My little boy asked me daily "mummy when can we have a baby" a lot of mums up the scho are pregnant. The truth if it wasn't for money, we wouldn't even think about it and would just go for it, the other thin is we don't have time on our side I'm 36 and hubby 40 next year. I just wish someone had the answers for me I can't go on like it surely it's not healthy ��

mumforever15 Tue 14-Apr-15 15:49:34

Hi! I am 44 and have an amazing 6 year old little girl. I had her at 38 and found it hard to balance house, work and marriage being that my husband relocated from another country. We talked about a second but put it off. We moved when she was 2 and hoped to start trying, however I had a lot of allergy problems in new place and was taking antibiotics so didn't want to try. We started trying when I was 41 but I was still scared and my husband wasn't too sure therefore I have been fearful of having a second all along, even though I really wanted to. We tried for about a year and then I felt I shouldn't try after 42. A doctor friend of the family also told me that 40 was too old so that made me even more worried. Anyway, here I am at 44 and my daughter has asked me why she doesn't have a sibling and it breaks my heart. I believe it is too late now to try and can't get over guilt and feeling that she will be on her own when she gets older. Help????? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

CynthiaDelgado Thu 26-Feb-15 10:57:03

For the op sorry you feel this way. Just to say I have 4 boys so more children would not gave guaranteed you a girl. Mon of them like shopping. I understand you feel that way but just wanted to add that when we are out and about being noisy I look with envy and the quiet one parent families. I feel as though everyone else if judging us!

PattyODoors Mon 23-Feb-15 07:58:40

Frozenfairy I'm in the same situation at the minute, I feel so guilty for resenting hubby for not wanting another child. I'm trying so hard to concentrate on my DD and hubby and be grateful for what I have but I can't. I know we'll regret it in a few years time when it's no longer an option but right now nothing I say will convince him. I'm in my late 30's and feel time is running out. Every time we talk about this it ends in ferocious rows.

liz98 Mon 16-Feb-15 20:24:50

I just wanted to say hello...I still look at the threads every now and again to check how everyone is doing, it's a while since I was posting on here and it is a while since my last mc. I'm sorry you still feel so sad about the situation. I still have one ds, he is 6 and half now. I am happy with our family set up, there are still many moments when I think how nice it would be for him to have a brother or sister, but to be honest I just think I don't want to waste life wondering about what if's. You say that other parents feel sorry for you, do they say that or is it possibly in your head? I know lots of parents of three or four who may feel pity for me, but to be honest, I think they also have issues with their kids too. I don't think it is the number of kids you have that determines their happiness, I really don't. Do you think this pity that you think they have is also coming from what you think and you project it onto them? I'm really sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean that at all, I'm finding it really hard to write down my thoughts.
I bet your ds is really happy, yes he could be playing happily with a brother or sister but equally he may be arguing and wishing he had more time with his mum or dad. My ds loves time with his friends, and from talking to mums with more than one, the time with friends is very different from time with siblings, so just because he loves the company of other friends doesn't mean he misses having a brother and sister.
I've also felt wound up watching bigger families and thinking they are having a much better time. But it's not always like that, I also see mums struggling through playgrounds with a little one screaming, and one or two running off up ahead and looking so harassed...Last year we went on holiday with another family with one kid, so that my ds had someone to play with, and guess what?! They did play together, they also argued and sulked and they also ran off and played with other kids at the campsite, sometimes together but also sometimes apart. I guess that is the experience if you have two kids. This time we're going camping with the three of us and I am confident he'll make some friends to play with if he needs to. I also know that the three of us will have fun together.
One thing I will say about having an only, I honestly believe that it has made my ds more sociable. He is really coming into his own at the moment, has joined a few group activities in the last year and I am really proud how he has joined in with the groups and made friends and enjoyed it. His confidence has grown so much and he is a very sociable and popular little boy (and I'm not just saying that cause I'm his mum...;-) ). I bet yours is too, cause I bet you've put time and effort into making sure he makes friends and has chance to socialise. When I compare that to my childhood with a sister 3 years older than me who didn't want to play with me most of the time, I think it is so much better...
I didn't want to go on for so long, I hope that some of what I've said makes sense to you. I just really felt for you when you said you are crying when you were typing. I honestly don't think it is so bad, at least for your ds. And I think your counsellor is right, I think you need to focus on yourself and work out what you can do to make yourself happier, without focusing on one thing that is may not going to happen. Really sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it that way. I hope you read this and it helps, sending you lots of hugs x x x x

Kaydev8 Wed 11-Feb-15 18:48:46

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GreenFingeredGoddess Sun 01-Feb-15 10:45:06

I'm so glad this thread is still going! I haven't been on for ages but it really helps reading through the posts. My heart aches for those of you who have had such a hard time with this.

I have good days and bad-but unfortunately I am still really struggling with this. I'm 47 this year so almost 3 years since I posted the original thread-there is always a dialogue going around in my head-sometimes I can quieten it down, but lately I have just been feeling very low. I seem to have come to the conclusion that everythinng that is wrong in my life stems from not having 2 children-sounds stupid I know.

I feel judged by others and think of them as "proper" mums for having more than one. I think they look at me with pity for having "only one". I hate it when they ask me if I have any more. I look at other families when we are out in restaurants and there seems to be lots of laughter and chatter and I can feel my heart sinking. I feel as if there is a big gaping hole in my heart and I feel incomplete, it can almost be a physical ache somtimes.

When I am out, I am always looking at other mums with daughters shopping (my DS hates shopping-typical boy!!). I am SO insanely jealous of mums with a girl-I think about what she would have looked like, what we would have called her.

I did go a see my counsellor again who advised I needed more of a focus in my life-I am in the process of trying to set up a business after not working for a few years-but it doesn't make the feelings go away.

I can't talk to my friends or family anymore about this as they have heard it so many times-they have run out of things to say to me. DH gets exasperated as he says "YOU didn't want anymore"

My DS seems fine but I feel like I've let him down when he loves being with other kids. My heart aches when I look at him playing alone.

Basically, I just want to rewind and start again-I want my family of four-not three. I am sobbing as I type and just don't know how to get myself out of this pattern of thinking. I think I'm going mad some days.

I'm sorry this isn't a more positive post. To look at me, you would never guess I have all this going around in my head but this morning I just felt like bursting, I just had to get it out.

DD(6) is an only and likely to always be an only. She has a disability that is probably genetic but not yet proven and although she has issues her quality of life is really good. She goes to mainstream school can walk short distances she's not that different. For years I've buried the want for another child thinking dp didn't feel the same however recently he admitted he'd love another too. I just wish it was an easy decision.

LalaLeona Mon 26-Jan-15 21:04:19

Frozen fairy I think you need to talk to your dh and make him see that this really is a deal breaker and you are never going to be happy in the marriage because your feelings are not going to go away. I have been having these kind of discussions with my dh and he has finally agreed to ttc even though he just turned 48 bless him. (I'm 12 years younger), my dd is 8 and I know there will be a big gap but I still feel it's the right thing to do. I have to at least try!! I'm so scared about it all, but I have to give it a go. My feelings when I watch dd playing alone are too painful. sad

Gr33dyeggs Mon 26-Jan-15 16:42:17

frozenfairy sorry you're feeling like this. No words of wisdom I'm afraid but didn't want to read and run.

frozenfairy123 Mon 26-Jan-15 16:08:42

I'm in the same situation and I'm having a really bad day. I just can't breath when I think that this is it. Want another soo much for me, our family and my son. We have no cousins locally. Time is running out as I'm getting older and I've considered leaving my hubby as I hate him for this soo much. But can't leave cos I still love him. It just feels so unfair xxx

MarysPrayer Wed 07-Jan-15 21:41:23

So very true sad

Gr33dyeggs Sat 03-Jan-15 15:42:47

marysprayer its so hard isn't it! Theres no middle ground - we 'win' and have a 2nd knowing every bump in the road will be all our fault because its what we wanted. They 'win' and resentment will set in and we will always wonder 'what if?'. sad

MarysPrayer Sat 03-Jan-15 14:59:36

I can really relate to your post Gr33dyeggs I have a 2 yr old dd and would love a second dc, but dh is unsure. Like you, we had a difficult birth and dd was not an easy baby but I can't help longing for another. I'm also in my (late) 30s so can't afford to wait any longer.

Like you my biggest feeling right now is fear. I fear that, either way, one of us could end up resenting the other. I worry about what effect this could have on our marriage.

It scares me that so many only children choose to have more than one child because they always wanted siblings themselves. I scares me that dd will have no family around her when dh and I are gone.

Sazorchard31 Fri 02-Jan-15 15:27:53

There is no reason why you would be blue lighted again or premature but I understand your fears as we have friends with lifelong problems and its something putting my husband off a second.

Your decision will not be wrong, do what feels right for your family and it'll be the right decision. Have a think over a few more months if you're not clear in your mind.

My dd is nearly 5, has her attitude moments but it's all part of growing up I hope! smile

Gr33dyeggs Fri 02-Jan-15 10:15:34

Honestly sazorchard my gut feeling is fear! Fear that whichever decision I make will be wrong. When we started TTC 2 I sensed it had 'worked' and I offered to get the morning after pill on the 5th day but OH said no because we'd made our decision.
I think he's scared of the birth because last time babies hb was lost and I needed blue lighting to hospital from a home birth attempt and a couple of our friends have had prem babies with various lifelong ptoblems. Plus our son has been a bit of a nightmare recently with his attitude and behaviour, but I think that's just his age?

Sazorchard31 Fri 02-Jan-15 07:35:49

I am so sorry to read about your mc, that must have been so tough.

What is your gut feeling about ttc again? And what does your oh really think?

Gr33dyeggs Thu 01-Jan-15 15:55:33

Hi all. I've stumbled over this and can really relate. I appreciate its old, but just writing my feelings down might help.

We have a DS nearly 6, and 1 mc prior to him. As an only child myself, I never wanted only 1 however he didn't sleep well (is still an early riser) and although we love him dearly some days are such hard work. So we put it off. I'd always mention it but OH adamant no more. Anyway my clock started ticking (34) and we had a very honest conversation. Ultimately he decided to ttc no2 for me. I did fall pregnant but sadly mc last November at 11 weeks. Straight away my OH said we can try again and although my heart longs for a sibling, I am wondering whether it is the right thing to do. Would 6year old be jealous and resentful? Can we cope financially and mentally? Will I regret not having another? Could I cope with another mc?

Thanks for all your honest posts.

Sazorchard31 Thu 25-Sep-14 14:12:59

Lalaleona can I ask something... Why do you want another baby (and not just hormones ).
I ask as I too am dealing with my dh not wanting a 2nd child but I do. I've been forced to evaluate my reasons for wanting another alongside his for not wanting and it's really made me think that hormones are not a good enough reason.

Try and think about it from dh view and talk to him!! You have to talk properly. I made the mistake of thinking I could change my dh mind and I was silly.

Please know you're not alone xx

LalaLeona Thu 25-Sep-14 12:48:20

Sorry this is an old thread to re activate, but have just been reading through it, as my hormones are making me really low and really desperate for another one. My dh is adamant though, he just won't have any of it, he barely even discussed it with me. He just says he can't, he's too old, he can't cope. (He's nearly 48, I am 36). We have dd7 and also dsd 20 but she lives with her mum. I just keep wondering if there's a way I can present it to him that will change his mind?! Sometimes I feel fine about things but days like today the feeling is unbearable!

vikky4 Tue 13-May-14 15:25:22

McZeba,

Alot of people I know seem to refer to their cousins as brother and sister (I live in London, alot of African people, they don't seem to distinguish between sibling and cousin so much). I try to do the same with my son. He is an only child and he spends alot of time with his cousin. Actually there are two cousins (they are brothers), the younger one is closer to my son's age than he is to his older brother so they play better together. So maybe your daughter, in time, will take comfort from the fact that she is the same age as her cousin

vikky4 Tue 13-May-14 14:10:43

Greenfigeredgodess

This conversation is really striking a chord with me. I too am 44 with an 8 year old only child and like you have recently started obsessing about another one, and beating myself up that this didn't occur to me earlier! I never wanted just one child, felt it unfair for DS, but somehow it always felt that it would be like that, so I tried to align myself with that idea. In my case, the reason was due to a rocky relationship. My partner and I are now getting along better (mellowed with age?) which is wonderful, but I was simultaneously struck by the thought - if i'd known we were going to end up together, I would have had another child! If it can work now, why couldn't it have worked before? Perhaps I was the difficult one?

I guess the lesson from that is that we make decisions based on the way we feel at the time and how you think you might feel in the future. What else do you have to go by, so you shouldn't beat yourself up. we are trying for another child, and though the chances are slim, I think I will feel better to know that I tried (so thank u PennyN for the above links!). To help with my obsessive thinking, I will shortly be starting a meditation course - if I were able to master that, to focuss on the present moment, I believe all my problems would dissolve...

McZeba Wed 05-Mar-14 17:39:49

Thank you Liz, your post is very kind and had given me comfort. I do hope that you can eventually have the baby you wish for and I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs right back at ya!! xx

liz98 Tue 04-Mar-14 19:29:40

McZeba I just wanted to say hello & I know how you feel. A very good friend texted me to say she is pregnant on the very day I was miscarrying. I haven't told her about my miscarriage and I'm not sure I can. She has had a lot of grief over pregnancies herself, so I sent her an as upbeat message as I could but it hurts so much. ..as you say it will be less raw as time goes on. I'm just working on enjoying what I have with my DS, we have a very close relationship, and building up family relationships for him. I know my DH doesn't feel the issue as strongly as I do, and I know where you're coming from when you talk about choosing a loving hard working father. It's important that everyone is happy in the family unit and sometimes that does involve a lot of compromise, it certainly has for us. I hope you work through it ok. Sending you hugs x x

McZeba Tue 04-Mar-14 17:52:17

Thank you for both of your kind replies Ladies. I think the nastiness on the weekend was his way of defending himself, he can see I'm hurting and knows that his barrier is the reason, I don't think he could deal with the out pouring of grief. I have always been happy in my marriage and I know in the long term I will be again. He is 99.5% of the time a Loving, hard working Father and Husband and I have chosen this rather than another child. I have to work through this and I often use reflection as a tool to help. I think the next year will be a testing and trying time for myself and my Husband and also Our DD. I will try to celebrate the happiness within my Family and the news of the two new babies but I know I will continue to feel this pain, it just may not be as raw as it is now xx

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