Pressure to have a second(16 Posts)
We've just got one (only 11 months) but constantly being asked when we're having another. I'd love a house full of kids but had a rubbish pg (a problem which would definitely arise in any future pg and which v nearly killed me and DS) a prem emcs, an ill baby and my usually lovely DP was completely unsupportive during pg for reasons he can't explain so won't be doing it all again ever!!
Even after i explain people still say 'ah, but DP would love another' yes he would, as would i but we'll wait till he can bloody do it eh??
Grrr - sorry - enjoyed the rant though!
Less than a month after I have my one and only child and hearing nothing but non-stop comments about having more, I told my MIL and FIL that if they wanted more babies in the family then they had better get busy themselves, because I won't be having anymore. That shut them up. May have been a tad sharp, but they got on my nerves. Who the hell are they to tell me how many to have? That was 15 months ago and I think they got the hint.
i get asked constantly as only have 5 yo ds and 2 stepchildren who live with us half the week. i have gone from being polite to borderline rude i like to coo over a new baby then walk away, i dont enjoy the baby days. i used to make off the cuff comments about money,space, time now i just dont bother
Thanks everyone!! It helps knowing I'm not the only one getting constantly bombarded about this!! Find it so annoying that people think its ok to question our decision- again today had someone say that my little boy was so gorgeous and well behaved it would be a real shame not to have another!!!! Grrrr- anyway rant over! Guess this isnt going to stop anytime soon!
I love having an only child and I am an only child so I never thought I would ever have more, for a while I didn't think I would ever have one so she's amazing!
I hate the way people think they have the right to question it. The most recent one I had was someone saying Ahh she's such a good, well behaved girl you really must have another and I couldn't hold myself back from saying that her youngest was a total pain in the arse so she should have stopped there!
... Sorry meant to say things just move on a bit and people will let the subject drop!
Ignore/joke/change subject/be embarrassingly frank/turn focus on them, or just start spouting about how wonderful your child is! That'll bore them !
My DD is now just over three and it is easier now. You are probably at the prime time for those questions, they start to give up after a while. Also as they get older other things in your life - career, social life- start to come back and that gives you other things to focus on and
No we are happy with one. So did you pick up any bargains in the sales?
I feel your pain OP. My DD is 19 months and will be an only child for a whole host of reasons. We are happy and feel lucky to have her. I work in a very female dominated industry and the number of comments I am starting to get is quite irritating - "time for another?" being probably one of the most annoying!!
Initially I was getting very with the questions and the anger was probably showing in my responses to them which ranged from "why do you want to know?" to "Not sure". But lately, I've just started to smile and shrug my shoulders and say something whimsical like "life is a mystery" or "yes, babies are cute" and just not answer their question. People tend to wander away looking confused. I got tired of using up energy getting worked up about what were essentially banal questions from people who are probably just making conversation. So I figured I would respond to banal with banal.
I suspect these questions are going to keep coming for a long time!
BTW, I work with a lovely older lady who had one DD. Her daughter is getting married next month and is a completely normal, nice human being with lots of friends and a v close relationship to her parents! I asked her the other day what it was like having one child. Her response - "wonderful". She said she always just wanted one. So, I guess it's wonderful to have the number of children you want/are given (I know some people have unexpected surprises)- whatever that number maybe!
Good luck OP!
valentine - couldn't agree more! I have a lot of friends who barely managed to have one baby and I'm so happy for them!
I feel it's outrageous to say 1 is not enough, as if those absolute miracle babies didn't matter at all as they don't come as a package deal of 2 or more!
makes my blood boil!
sometimes I want to say to the rude ones - well, never mind they had "only one" - we have 6, so it will still be 2.3 kids/ family statistically!!
we did have a version of the are you having more?
my 5th pregnancy ended in MC and it was a girl ( wasn't public info).
we had 4 boys up to that point and whether they knew about MC or not people kept constantly asking if we are going to try for a girl.. (as if I could choose, you morons!)
so after much "we'll we are not sure.." I got pretty annoyed and started answering "well, if you must know we had a daughter, but she died, so..." that shut them up!
now we have 5 boys and baby girl, I'm being told constantly - " ah, FINALLY you've got your little girl!" again, as if that was the aim!
don't get me wrong, she's the sweetest and loveliest girlie-whirlie ever, but I truly would have been happy with another boy or boy triplets or whatever!
we are incredibly blessed to have 6 -- very naughty-- healthy children, and I love having a big family, but some people are incredibly blessed to have 1 and they are very happy, no doubt!
it's not a bloody competition, or the measure of who's the better parent!
(if in doubt, not me, I'd say just good enough! my kids think I'm the best, but children are easily fooled )
It's not just the people who ask - it's the comments by other parents of how they had more than one because "they didn't want their child to be an only child" because it's not fair on the child/boring/lonely/they grow up spoilt...
I'm sure my DD would have loved a sibling...I'm certain she wouldn't have liked me having PND again though. I have siblings and i'm not sure it ever stopped me feeling lonely - and when my DM dies all the responsibility will end up on me anyway so not sure what difference it would make if I was an only or not. In fact, looking at the way a friend's family are arguing over parental care I suspect being an only is easier in some ways!!
But it's horses for courses - one suits us, 6 suits Amazing...you do what's right for you and your family, not what other people think. But the next person to ask is going to get asked "how do you know we didn't try and fail?"
I thought of more - simplest thing to say is: "no, I can't and I don't want to talk about it"
or - "that's quite a personal subject, don't you think?"
happyhorse - good one about the manners, champion!
You don't need to explain or justify. If someone says you are cruel to have one child just say "I don't think so" and leave it at that. If they persist they are clearly lacking in social graces. Point this out to them and say you are glad you'll have the time and energy to teach your son good manners.
BTW - you do not have to explain yourself to anyone, since it's you and your DH are the only people involved in making that decision!
(same as why I don't feel the need to explain why we have 6 and if/whether/when we'll have more or not)
we have 6 yet still being asked constantly - are you having anymore?
best answer is to tell them to fuck off.....
as you won't do that (nor do I) here are a few of my tried and tested answers:
- no, we love having sex too much, another baby would ruin it
- no, are you having anymore?
- yes, but we'll need you to move in permanently to help
- why are you asking?
- why do you need to know?
- sorry, who put you in charge of making our decisions?
- none of your business
and of course you can just say - no, we are happy with one (not cruel!)
Ever since we've been married (6 years) my DH and I have only ever wanted one child, we now have a gorgeous, wonderful 16 month son and very much feel our family is complete! However a lot of our family and friends are putting on the pressure that we should have another- one person even suggested it was 'cruel' not to have another! So would love some good comebacks/reasons/positive stories from people who only have one! Thanks!
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